I'm feeling ....
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More to follow....
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2004-08-16 - 11.18am previous entry next entry Oh wow, I think that is my longest ever gap between entries! Sorry! I have started to lose a feeling of connection with this journal because I am soooo into my pregnancy journal and I update there all the time. It's become my regular place to offload, and I notice I am starting to write a bit about non-pregnancy stuff here and there, so yeah, this diary is getting a bit neglected! But I totally plan to be back here like before I was pregnant - eventually! I really don't want to keep writing in my pregnancy journal after the baby is born, so I will need to come back here. I think I will need a new look though - what do you think? When I come here now, the look of my diary doesn't feel like me anymore, it feels like me a couple of years ago. I guess I have been changing during my pregnancy. Mind you, how can anyone stay the same during the transition from person to parent?! It's a biggie. Well, just incase there's anyone out there who happens to not read my pregnancy journal, I am now 28 weeks pregnant, and due in under 3 months! We had our ultrasound and the baby is a healthy (and active!) little boy, named Arthur Cameron. I am so delighted to be able to use the name Cameron with my first child, it means sooooo much to me. On Cameron's birthday (July 1st), I went to his grave, and I haven't been back there since. I don't know why. Anyway it was okay. A little sad because I wished he was here being the birthday boy as always, but he wasn't, for the first time in over a decade. I took him a really pretty pot of flowers and bought a cute little flower pot for them to sit in. I made a label and stuck it on a stick in the soil to say happy birthday and how much I love and miss him. I went in the morning before my scan, and nobody else from his family had been there yet, so his grave looked untidy and bare, and his flower vase was empty. I'm glad I got there to brighten it up with birthday flowers before his family came to see it that way, I think that would have been painful to see a bare, untidy grave on his birthday. I found it so anyway, so I'm glad it was me and not them. It must have been a hard day for them. I haven't been in touch with them since - I really should but I wonder about giving them space? I don't know. I don't know why I haven't been back to his grave either. There has been lots on my mind I guess, what with pregnancy and that. I still love him though. Saturday was our 5th wedding anniversary! There was a card propped against the bedroom door when I woke up, from Neil (he always gets up before me) and it was so sweet. It has a badge on the front saying, "Number 1 Wife"!! Hehe! I wore it proudly all day :) He wrote a cute message about how he likes that we are having our first baby on a special milestone year (5 years of being married) and that he is looking forward to many more years with me and Arthur and his brothers and sisters! He has relaxed about the number of kids we might have lately. He was always cautious and not wanting to think beyond 2 originally, but lately he's been saying that if we can be secure in a big enough house (ie 4 bedrooms!) then maybe we could have 4 kids? Yay! I have always wanted four children :) But one at a time! Anyway we did not do anything much for our anniversary which for some reason I felt a bit down about. We never normally do anything major to mark the occasion but this time I felt bad because I was the reason we didn't do anything. I just felt exhausted and groggy all day long and wasn't up to anything. I have been feeling like this quite a bit lately, so I think it must be a pregnancy thing now that I'm into the 3rd trimester. It was a shame though. We had thought of taking a walk in the park because there are woods there and the 5th anniversary is apparently the "wood" anniversary! But I wasn't up to a walk. In the end we got pizza and went to the video shop. We watched Along Came Polly. It was okay. Neil enjoyed it. Too much toilet and sex humour for me really, but it was okay. I love being out with Neil, and holding hands with him, and I love having a bump that shows we're a family now. It's the proudest moment ever when I am out in public with him, holding his hand. We don't really get out together much. We should try to more often, before the baby is here. But then I am getting more tired and less up to going out, so maybe not! I don't mind. People are telling us to go out NOW while we still can, but we're homebirds anyway, we never really did go out much. We like movies and cosy lighting and a nice meal in the evenings, in the comfort of our own home. We even like playing Scrabble and just talking for hours! I guess we are a quiet couple, but that suits us both really well. What other news? Oh, we went to France to visit my parents for a week at the end of July. That was lovely. I miss them so much already. They are coming over at the beginning of November for Arthur's birth and staying a couple of weeks, so that is the next time I'll see them. I can't wait till then because I'll get to see them again, but I am getting slightly nervous about the actual birth! My mummy is going to be at the birth which I'm glad about. I hope - if he arrives when they are here that is! Other than that I am very uninteresting these days. I hadn't been to church for a few weeks until yesterday, and I don't like what's going on in my head about that these days. I am so unmotivated to go. Throughout August my church does special Sunday services for the kids, and last year I was involved in the work and it was so much fun! I loved the puppet shows and the video clips and the fun songs and everything. Yesterday we went to church and most of the regular people were away on holiday so that made it all feel a bit different. And they had fun songs and video clips and puppet shows, but they all bored me silly, and I just wanted to go home. I don't like that. Why should I feel so different to last year? Last year I was feeling more excited about my relationship with God though maybe? I am so unmotivated there at the moment. I still sing the words to the worship songs and close my eyes to focus on God and really mean what I'm singing. But I miss the rush of wonderful feelings that I used to get from feeling like God was under my skin and all around me and just full of love for me. I know he still IS, but I don't feel it at the moment. It's hard to stay motivated when the feelings aren't there. But then, that's what faith is, isn't it? Jesus said when he was here that people saw him and believed, and how much more blessed would be the people who didn't see him but still believed. Well I guess the same thing goes for feelings. How easy it is to feel love and excitement and passion for God when all the feelings are there, and how easy it is to put your trust in him. But when there's just nothing... that's when faith speaks for itself. If you feel nothing but still choose to trust in God then that's something I know he will bless you for. So I'm trusting God. And trying to remember to pray and focus on him and thank him for things. I have soooo much to thank him for in any case! God has been so good to me :) Okay well that is my update on the last month or so! It's easier to write when I don't have the mindset that I need to write a 50.000 word essay to catch up on every single thing that's happened since I last wrote! Just to write what's in my head is much easier. If I have missed stuff then oh well. But I don't think I have. I have been pretty boring lately! All caught up with pregnancy and my little boy and all that! I am starting to find small talk with other people boring, which I think is a BAD thing! I am so wrapped up in my own head with having a baby that I am finding anything else boring, even talking with other people (like yesterday at church) about their work or something. I used to happily chat with people about what was going on in their lives. But lately it's like how other people's work is going or their study, is feeling so dull that I almost want to avoid chatting to anyone after the service. It rang alarm bells for me yesterday and when we got home I talked to Neil about it, because I don't like that I'm becoming so self-centred and bored with other people's lives. I mean, how awful is that?!! Neil reminded me that my pregnancy books told me that towards the end of pregnancy it is normal to become inwardly focused so that everything else seems more boring or trivial, and all you want to think about is the baby. It's slightly reassuring to think that it's normal and there's a reason for it, but I still feel bad to be so self-focused, and I REALLY don't like how I'm bored of other people. I would hate that in any other person, so I dislike it in myself too. Hopefully it's just a maternal blip and I will snap out of it and become super interested in people again when the baby is born! Or something. I don't want to be this boring and uninterested forever :( It's been too hot this summer. Not like last summer was, but too hot all the same. More specifically too HUMID. Yuck. I have sweated gallons over the past few weeks! Gross. I am LONGING for frosty weather and misty breath on the air and the slight sting of cold on my cheeks. But then I always long for that during the summer, no matter if it's a hot summer or not! I am not a summer girl. I like winter! This winter is slightly more scary because I'll be pushing another human being out of my body who will then depend on me to survive and all that (!!), but I am still longing for cold weather and cosy sweaters and all that. I want to wear my maternity cords! They are so nice. You just can't wear cords when it's warm. Okay that is all. I will probably update my pregnancy journal later too, but for now I am going to get a cold drink and put the fan on :) I will try to remember to update again soon - I want to try to feel more familiar with my old diary again, so I'll try posting here a bit more often (now where have I heard that before?!). Hope everyone is having a good summer! |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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