Great Christian Diaries

2003-11-14 - 11.18am  previous entry  next entry

Aaaaaaaaagggghhh!!!!!!!! AOL is driving me NUTS!!! I thought I would never get online this evening. I've been trying for the best part of 3 hours (THREE HOURS!!!!) and it has timed out trying to connect over 20 times. Grrrrr. It has frustrated me to tears. Even worse is that I moved the whole computer and all the zillions of wires downstairs to test the AOL bloke's theory that all we need is to buy a different cable. If it works downstairs plugged into the main phone socket, then that theory is correct. But since it is just as useless down here, he was obviously talking out of his bottom, wasn't he? (Sorry, that was rude. But grrrrrr-rrrr-rrrr!!) Soooo annoyed with AOL!!! Anyway what I've done (in desperation) is completely uninstall AOL and then reinstall it, because last time that worked for a few hours (!!), but it didn't work this time. I just kept on trying, and eventually here I am. Phew. What a relief. I hate AOL. But if it works then I love it to bits, so I guess I will just phone them up and be really cross tomorrow and hopefully they will wave a magic wand and everything will be hunky-dorey again. Hmph.

So I am typing this on the floor in the lounge, with my back against the armchair and the keyboard on a lap-tray on my legs! Stupid AOL.

I get cross way out of proportion these days. Neil says I get any emotional response more to extremes these days. I am guessing that is to do with my little monkey leaving when I wasn't ready for him to. I am getting more, "Why did you have to go and do that?" with him in my mind at the moment. More selfish in my thinking, like why do I have to deal with Cameron dying, because it forces me to have all my emotions up in my face where I don't want them to be, and there is no easy way out and I have NO choice in dealing with something I can't bear to deal with. Now why did he have to go and make me feel like that? Except I'm not actually angry with him at all. Just all whiney inside sometimes and like, ohhh whyyyyyy?! Yuck.

Well.

What else have I been doing? Ooh ooh yes, I went to Emily's yesterday with Judith!! And she is happy for me to write about it, so yay, I will!! :) It was good. I was really looking forward to it because Emily is so exciting to be around - she is so fired up for God and so new to it in many ways. It reminds me how amazingly exciting it was to be a brand new Christian with alllll this new wonderful realisation going on in my head all the time! And actually FEELING God's presence - what is that when you never knew of such a concept before?!!! It's fantastic. I love to be reminded. There's something about an excited new Christian that is infectious. I need some of that zeal and passion back in my own life. Especially lately.

Judith and Emily had never met before, so they had lots to chat about. This was good as I was feeling a bit quiet. I felt kind of awkward sometimes because I did sort of feel like a bit of an odd wheel at times, because I wasn't joining in the conversation much and that. But that's just how I feel anywhere that I shy out of the conversation. Only this was different because they were really talking about important stuff and Judith had so much wise stuff to say. If I had been needed in the conversation maybe I would have found that harder? Sometimes it feels weird to be in a social setting. Like an out of body experience, like I'm just watching me and not feeling anything, and thinking how surreal it all is to be chatting and being normal. I don't think of Cameron all the time as such, it's just that since he died, my head still booms like when your ears ring after a big explosion, so I know that something huge has happened because my head is still ringing with it. Which is why carrying on as normal and chatting about other stuff sometimes seems a weird thing to be doing when my head is booming like that. Even if I'm not consciously thinking of Cameron. It's all so weird. Today and yesterday it is all beginning to weird me out again.

I am cold because this floor is draughty. I am just going to close some doors and shove the draught excluder against the front door (also known as the sausage).

Ahhhh.... now I'm draught-free, and I've pulled the armchair up to the computer so that I can sit back in it with the lap-tray on my lap, typing in absolute luxury, hehe! Except hmmm, I can't really see the screen that well. It's a bit far away. Ah now that's better. And I made a slight detour fixing the draughts, because now I have a big mug of hot chocolate beside me as well :) Just going to take the laundry out of the machine. It's just finished and I might as well, since I'm okay once I'm actually online. It's only if I switch off that it takes forever and a day to get back on. So just talk amongst yourselves for a moment..... What a funny concept!! :)

.....

Back. Warrrrm laundry. It's just tumble-dried. Mmmm....

Oh maaaaan, AOL just kicked me off. I had a sneaky feeling that it was being a bit odd for a moment so I quickly copied and pasted what I've written so far into Word. Boy am I glad I did. I am going to try to reconnect while I type the rest of this entry, but I don't know if I will be able to get on again tonight to post this entry. Grrr.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, at Emily's. It was lovely. We decided to share communion together, and Emily only had Ryvita and water, so we shared communion with that. When Emily went out to get the things, Judith said to me that I should lead us in communion. But I asked her to do it instead, because I just felt awkward, like really odd and detached from God, and like I was waaaaaay not in the right mindset, etc. But Judith said she thought it would be good if I did it. It really is no biggie so I don't know what I was getting all funny about. I guess I am happier opting out at the moment, in general. But Emily came back and I took the Ryvita and broke it and prayed and we all ate some, and then we prayed some more. I just felt like I was going through the motions. And then I poured out the water and spoke out more thanks to God for what he has done for us, and started to relax a bit more, and that's when I felt more like myself - with God that is. I felt the change, because suddenly I wasn't just "praying through the motions" any more. When I pray (when I am close to God), God prompts me to pray all sorts of stuff that I didn't think of praying about. Things just pop into my head. Especially when I am praying about other people. But anyway, this time I was reminded to thank God for things I had been forgetting about for a while. For his Holy Spirit in us. The water reminded me of that, and suddenly all these "watery" Bible verses were in my head, like the streams of living water flowing from God to us, and also there's this verse about anyone who is thirsty coming to Jesus to drink from the water of life that he offers. All of a sudden that was really "WOW!" to me at the time! Anyway so that was good.

Emily gave me a hug before we left, and we did not really say much about things with me - well, she asked if I've been okay (she reads my diary) and I sort of said yeah, because it's not really true but you know, it doesn't all need saying, and she will have a pretty good idea anyway from my diary. But then I got a really great hug, which was lovely because there were no words said at all, but I knew from the exact squeeziness of the hug that she knew things were hard for me and she cared tons about how I was doing, and somehow that hug conveyed compassion and empathy and loads more stuff, just in one short hug. Isn't that lovely? So that was nice beyond nice. It's quite a relief to have the diary thing going on in a way. Because I don't need to explain or anything. There's little chance of anyone misunderstanding my feelings if they read my diary. Everyone else seems to misunderstand a lot, especially where Cameron is concerned, but that's probably because I don't get all open with anyone like I do with my diary, so they wouldn't be any the wiser. But phew, how nice to just not say a thing and still get a hug of all understanding, because the hugger has read my diary and just knows. This is a new thing for me, because I don't generally meet people "in the flesh" who read my diary! It's weird and it has it's uncomfy sides, but this part is a relief.

Anyway, thank you Emily. You are lovely :)

After we left Emily's I drove Judith home and I had plenty of time before I had to pick Neil up for therapy so I ended up stopping at Judith's for an hourish. It was good. We chatted about camp and stuff, because the dates have just been booked. Already!! It seems crazy because we were only at camp the other week - well, it feels almost that way anyway. Soooo recent. Ah. I was meant to go for a picnic with Cameron after camp, before he started back to school in September. Ohhh. Weird things trigger memories of normal stuff. Like the other day I was flipping through the calendar on the wall, looking for something or other, and bam, right in me on July 12th it says, "To Cameron's, 10.30am" I gave him his birthday present that morning. His birthday was earlier though. I got him Theme Park World. He loved it. I wonder how much he got to play it? Silly thoughts like that. There are more dates for activities with a very much alive Cameron in August too. I couldn't possibly have known, could I? But it feels somehow like I should have when I look back at it. September 24th just reads, "Cameron's day."

It's Grandmummy's birthday in two days. The first one since she died. I asked Mummy tonight on the phone if that was going to be strange for her. She said maybe a bit, but not too bad. She would have been 84. I can't imagine how unbearable it's going to be on Cameron's next birthday. He should be here. He really should. We shouldn't be celebrating it without him, because without him, what's it about? If he's not here, there's this great empty chasm instead. And I can't begin to imagine how painful that's going to be.

This evening when I was setting the computer up down here, I had to clear out a pile of stuff from behind the sofa in order to make space for the computer next to it. At the bottom of the pile I found a wrapped Christmas present with a tag on it for Cameron. I bought it for him last Christmas but in the end I didn't give it because it was a little science kit, and his parents got him a chemistry set which he'd been wanting for ages. So I am not kicking myself for never having given it to him or anything, but it's so sad to see it there in it's wrapping with the tag on it, wishing Cameron a great Christmas and giving him lots and lots of love from me. Sad to think I can't give him any more Christmas presents or love or anything. I think I will have to keep that gift, wrapped just as it is, forever. Christmas is not going to be as bad as his birthday though. But I am going to have to write a Christmas card to his family just as I normally do, and how do I write that without writing his name on it? I don't know if I can write all their names but leave his out. It's too weird and awful. And how must THEY feel, receiving all those cards next month, all missing Cameron's name. It just seems so wrong.

Urgh.

Anyway. I keep digressing! So back at Judith's, we chatted about camp. I realised that Neil and I will probably be able to go after all next year, because there is no way I'll have had a baby by then, like we had presumed we would. Camp is in July, and I just finished the period that would have been the July baby had it not been a period instead. But I SINCERELY hope I will at least be pregnant for camp! I desperately don't want to be trying to conceive all that time without success. Anyway, so unless there are complications, we should be able to go to camp. So that is good.

How is the internet doing? I will just take a look….. Ohhh my goodness, it doesn't look good. So far my computer has made 23 failed attempts to get online since I was chucked off. *sigh* I hate AOL. Did I mention that lately? And we are paying loads per month just for the "privilege" of Broadband, which really should be renamed, but I don't fancy letting my readers know how rough the language in my mind has been getting these days, so I will just leave it unsaid. I don't know if this is to do with feeling so detached from God lately, or just an overspill of anger and grief from Cameron's death. I never have a problem with swearing. I really used to at school, but I wasn't the mouthy type anyway after that, and any that was left just went out of the window when I became a Christian. It became totally unnecessary and there was no urge to say a horrible word anymore. But it's alllll over my head lately. And when I can't deal with my feelings it's alllll out of my mouth and over the air too. Yuck. But never, NEVER with anyone in earshot. I hate swearing. It is definitely an anger thing, whatever else it is, because if I get to that point, I am also shaking with anger or something. I see red. You know? Something buzzes in my head and I lash out with my tongue instead of just feeling in control of my emotions. I read that anger is a hugely normal stage of grief so I am guessing it's just that and trying not to worry about it. I think maybe it would help to ask someone to pray with me about it though.

After I left Judith's, I picked Neil up from work (he pretended to go all faint because I was actually on time, hmph!), and we went to therapy. Therapy was weird. It's stopped being so much about parsnips, because of the recent turn of events. I am just so wrapped up in raw feelings that parsnips is right out of the picture, and the therapy we are receiving has become more like grief therapy for me. This is immensely helpful for me, except that it's painful, but Neil is involved in the sessions too, and we talk about other things. It's just that it keeps coming back to Cameron and how I'm dealing with his death, because it's affecting everything.

Cheryl asked me how much I am crying at the moment. She asked me how it makes me feel when I am feeling distraught over Cameron's death. These were hard questions but I answered them terribly matter-of-factly. And then we got onto the long-continued discussion (from previous counsellors) of how I have a tough wall of protection when it comes to my own emotions. And Cheryl asked some interesting questions that made me stop and think. She asked me what I'm afraid of about crying with people. She asked me how it makes me feel when I cry. She thinks my problem is that I feel that people see the worst, the ugliest, of me, both inside and out when I cry. They see the rawness of my insides, and the ugliness of my outsides when I cry. Crying makes lots of people feel awkward, and that is something I feel I'm doing to them if I cry in front of them. Cheryl asked me whose feelings I was more responsible for when I am crying. That was helpful, because of course the answer is "mine". It's helpful to make myself have to think of these things.

Cheryl is just the most fantastic therapist. She is incredibly wise, and I told her so at the end. She knows me deeper than anyone I've ever known. How does she do that? After a while of these questions and thoughts, she just started talking, and normally it's Neil and I talking and she occasionally talks to us about things, but this time she just started to talk about me, and she talked for ages and we just listened. About who I was inside and about what my deepest fears were. About where those fears have come from and why they are unfounded and can be dealt with successfully. About all this stuff, it was amazing. Even about how God can help me - and she is not a Christian. I have never come across anyone who is not a Christian with that kind of understanding of who God is. But what boggles my brain most of all, is how deeply she sees into me and knows me.

Okay the BAD news is that this makes me want to cling to her and never let go, which is a completely totally utterly BAD thing that I need to shake off asap. But she sees me and she knows me, everything, absolutely everything, and yet she doesn't seem to get tired of me and she doesn't reject me. I know that's because it's her job, but it feels more than that somehow, like underneath the professional side of things, she actually likes me as a person, even knowing all this stuff about me. I feel very safe with her. There is no sense of her having to use immense effort to drag my inner thoughts and fears and emotions out of me - like some of my therapists have admitted to! In rare situations like this, I have to fight very hard not to form a huge and potentially damaging attachment to people who are like this with me. I have a really big history of developing attachments to my therapists. So far I have managed to be "normal" about this one! But it's hard because I go on "auto-cling" if someone sees the worst and the ugliest of me and still seems to love me. And to love me is persistence. You can see all that and love me, but I won't feel safe till you're still there loving me despite it all after a good long time. Even with Neil I have my feelings of anxiety. But mostly that is going now. Cheryl has not seen me cry yet though. I don't feel I could cry in therapy, but I still feel pretty safe in other ways.

I am so weird.

Neil brought up the issue of how we're not really focusing on parsnips anymore at therapy, and asked Cheryl what she thought about it. She seemed glad he mentioned it, and said she would have had to bring it up herself soon. She is very sensitive to our needs, but this IS meant to be psycho-sexual therapy, not grief counselling or relationship whatsits, or anything else. Obviously it's all interlinked, but we are hardly focusing on the parsnip side of things at all anymore. She said perhaps we need to go away and chat about where we are going with it. She said maybe we should have a time-out from therapy for a while, well, she and Neil were discussing the possibility anyway. I was sat there in a panic, thinking, "Nooooo!!" partly because I didn't want to stop seeing Cheryl, and partly because I felt like we would be failing if we had to take time-out. It's the story of my life - I never complete anything successfully. I never complete anything full-stop. My mind was yelling at them, "No wait! Give me another chance!" and crazy things like that! I did voice these thoughts to them in the end, because they asked me what I felt about the idea and I was honest with them. So then we discussed my issues with failure AGAIN.

I felt like I would rather force myself on the parsnips front, rather than stop therapy, if that's what therapy relied upon us doing. Obviously that would be stupid, but that's how strongly I feel about it. I do NOT want to stop having this therapy. Our sex life is not fixed. I do not want to stop the therapy until it IS. Things have been improving but they are way from fixed. I have issues with expectations in general. We talked about that in therapy too. Man I feel a mess sometimes when all this stuff comes up! But Cheryl is great because she always makes me feel like it's conquerable, and perfectly understandable in the first place.

Anyway so we came home and chatted about all that some more. I have a ton of other stuff to write about concerning the grief side of things, but I am aware I've written an enormous entry and this would be another lonnnng part! Stupid AOL has now denied me 47 times. Tsk.

But it's basically just wondering how much of what I'm feeling is real grief, and how much is a subconscious desire to "prove" my bond with Cameron by making sure I grieve good and hard over him. That sounds (and feels) awful, but I am worried that something like that is going on. I am so desperate for the world to see that he was more to me than just a little boy I looked after and loved. I want them to see that, look, I lost a child. A child of mine. That's who he was to me. Mine. Evident grieving is the loudest way I can shout it out to the world around me, and it feels like the best evidence of what he meant to me. I WANT people to see. I want them to know. But is that just a feeling that's there anyway, on top of what is genuine grief? I know I am genuinely grieving. But I worry that part of it is me being determined to grieve or something. Something that I should be letting go of? Neil said maybe it would help me to pray and chat with Sue or Judith or someone at church. But that's when I realised I felt afraid to in case God puts his finger on something like this and tells me I have to stop it or something.

If I let go of grieving to any degree, it feels like I am letting go of Cameron to the same measure. I don't want to do that, even if it's a good idea. I went to the cemetery today and talked to Cameron about it. Don't know why, I just did. Talked to thin air, okay, but it was good to sound off, and feel like I was sounding off in the general direction of the little boy in question. I told him I knew I had to let him go, but that I didn't want to just now. I couldn't see myself ever wanting to, but I knew it was normal to let him go eventually. It didn't mean I would ever stop loving him though. I told him life felt on hold at the moment for me, that I wasn't carrying on with life as normal because I was so sad all the time that he was gone. I told him I was too busy being sad to want to think about doing things, because I want life to stay as he knew it. I don't want to carry on without him. I don't want to acknowledge that Cameron's life is now in the past, and that everything else is in the future - where I'm headed. That feels too awful and sad and empty, so I am not getting on with life. That's what I told him.

I don't know where I'm going with this really. This is just where I'm at today. I turned his soil and cleared the leaves off, and I took him another posy of daisies. I anchored it down well with a paperclip, because the weather report at lunchtime said it's going to be stormy with gale force winds. Mostly in Ireland and Wales and northern England, but still, it's going to get pretty blustery here too. Just in the last half hour, the wind has started moaning and making whistley noises against the front of our house, which is such an eerie sound.

Neil went to bed at 7.30 tonight, poor love. He is tired out. I hope he has a good catch-up tonight. And it's now 1.20am yet again - I really must go to bed at a decent hour. It's not good to have a bad sleep pattern when I needn't have one. I am just realising that I'm feeling distinctly sneezy. Hmmm. Just in the last 10 minutes though, so maybe the wind is driving things in that make me get my "hay"fever. AOL is officially completely rubbish - 55 failed connections now. Now that I've written this entry, I feel desperate to actually post it, especially since it's going to be this impossible to get online tomorrow, or worse, until I get something sorted out with AOL on the phone (if anything - three phone calls so far and none of the advice has worked yet). So maybe I will just try uninstalling AOL AGAIN and reinstalling it, because maybe that will give me a slightly better chance of getting online so that I can at least post this entry. I hope so. It will be absolutely typical if Diaryland is down when I finally get online! I will be steaming mad if that happens, and will likely need a repair helpline for the PC as well as help from AOL in the morning! ;)

Anyway, I will try that, and if you are reading this tomorrow or the next day for the first time, I probably didn't succeed and then spent half an hour trying to calm down enough to go to bed. But if you're reading it tonight (or in the day) then I've probably been successful! Here's hoping. And oh, thank you Meg, Helen and Shelley for your guestbook entries! Shelley, Delirious IS the band that did "I could sing of your love forever" - that is one of my favourite worship songs. Thank you for mentioning it, because I was singing it all day as a result and that lifted me up a lot and made me feel closer to God! :)

Okay, wish me luck now…..

*************

It didn't work. It's the next day now and I have been on the phone to AO-stupid-L all morning. They say "it doesn't look hopeful" - what?!!!!! They are getting BT to check the line which will take 2 days (and probably not turn up anything), so in the meantime I can't get online at ALL, except the lady said I can use the computer's modem to get online briefly, but it costs money for the call. I can NOT believe how rubbish this is. We are paying them LOADS per month for this!!!!! GRRRRRRR!!! Anyway, just to warn you that I won't be online a right lot for a couple of days. I suppose I can still write my diary entries offline if I need to, and come online briefly to post them. So that's the update. Boo.

Recent entries.....

Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24
Update - 5th Anniversary and other stuff! - 2004-08-16
Church picnic and being happy and things :) - 2004-06-27
Barbeque at Cameron's house... - 2004-05-18
To Tara... - 2004-04-19