I'm feeling ....
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More to follow....
Unofficial Christian Diaryland Webring!
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2004-03-13 - 2.09pm previous entry next entry Wow it's been a while since I updated here. I did try to update about a week ago, I wrote a long entry, but just as I was ready to post it, Diaryland went down for an hour and lost it for me. I was really unimpressed!! My current news, for anyone not reading my pregnancy diary, is that I have been ill with some fluey thing for a week - much better now though - and started bleeding on Thursday, which was diagnosed after a scan on Friday as a threatened miscarriage. The scan showed everything is still inside me, but it's too early to see a baby, so we can't know if the baby is alive or not. I have another scan on Friday which will tell us once and for all. I don't think it's going to be the easiest of weeks. Today, of much greater significance, I learned that Abby died last night. This is one of the two little girls I have been writing about in the last couple of months. She was 8 years old and somehow I had become extremely fond of her. I can't seem to stop crying since I read her parents' message in her journal, it's heartbreaking, even though I know she is free of pain and cancer now. She was such a lovely little girl and I prayed so long and so hard for her healing. I am not angry with God though. I trust him completely, even when things seem terribly wrong. For Abby, he was merciful and loving in releasing her from her suffering. Now I just pray and pray for her parents. The ward I had my scan done on was directly below a ward that I did a long placement on when I was a student nurse. It was identical in layout. It was so weird. There was a call buzzer going that nobody was answering, and I was overwhelmed with the urge to go and meet that person's need and press the button that switches the call buzzer off. Man I must have done that a million times on the ward above. It's all exactly the same. But I didn't like being there as a patient. It was scary, I guess because I had been there as a person in control before, and now I was the person out of control. Or something. Thankfully it was just an appointment. I don't know how I'd cope if I was admitted and had to STAY there. I really don't know how I'd bear it. I never realised how much I am scared by hospitals. I have always been DRAWN to them, they fascinate me, all that activity and all those opportunities to help people and be there for people. All that learning to be had. I can't think of a career more rewarding or fascinating than that of the health care profession. But I don't like the other side of the coin, when it's me being looked after. Urgh. I have done very little lately, obviously, since I was too ill to get up for a week, and then have been pretty much on bedrest since I was bleeding. I am on the 3rd round of watching Pride and Prejudice (5 hrs long!)!!! That has been a very useful birthday present! I also watched Sense and Sensibility twice. I am on a classics kick it seems. We have a bed permanently made on the sofa downstairs, since that's where I am most of the time. My legs get restless and fidgetty because I'm not ILL, I'm just meant to rest a lot. It's not like when I was permanently on the sofa when I had M.E, because then I was just too ill and I felt it, I had no energy to move at all. Now I can go to the loo easily if I need to, wherease when I had M.E that was a huge ordeal and sometimes I had to crawl. I can still nip up the stairs. I could not do stairs when I was ill. If we visited my parents, sometimes Neil had to carry up their stairs. So I thank God for my health. I also thank God for my baby and my pregnancy, knowing full well that I can trust him over the outcome, whether it is a healthy baby or not. I just trust God completely. If I didn't I would be a wreck right now. So God is good. Even when bad things happen, God is always good. It's an unchanging fact. Abby has died and I may have lost my baby, but God is good, and I will always praise him for his faithfulness. In fact, I get such joy out of being in a hard place and praising him nice and loud ANYWAY!!! It gives me such a buzz! And such a giggle to think how mad Satan is when I do so! God's faithfulness and goodness to me is not dependent on how happy or easy my life is, and I refuse to measure it that way any longer. Life is as it is. God is able to bless and comfort through anything. It has nothing to do with whether God is "nice" or good or loving. He doesn't send bad things. Sometimes that's just how life is. God remains GOOD and I know his will for me is great things and a wonderful future, no matter what else happens along the way. So I trust him, and in him I am satisfied and content. What a way to be! Sometimes I can't believe I am really living this way!! It's strange, because I remember only too clearly how I used to feel before I was a Christian, before I believed in God really. What a way to be, to live, to think, now. I am so grateful. |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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