I'm feeling ....
More to follow....
Urgh, I just lost an entry that took me over an hour to write, and it was all about going to Cameron's house for a barbeque on Sunday, and how it went and how I felt. I am so sick with digust at losing this entry, I can't write it again. There was so much in it and it all flows as I write it, and I can't reproduce it. There was valuable stuff in it, things I was discovering and understanding as I wrote my feelings about stuff. I hate computers. But I guess I like them enough because otherwise I wouldn't be able to keep an online diary at all. But poo.
I can't write anymore. I'm too hot (it's hot weather at last!) and my eyes are going boggly and I need to eat again. But here's a basic outline - Cam's mum invited us to a BBQ on Sunday, just us and her brother and the next door neighbours. It was lovely, but painful because Cameron wasn't there. Man I hate this stupid buggery keyboard. There's something I press that I can't figure out what, but it instantly makes this "add new entry" box blank again like I'd never even written anything in it, so I can't retrieve anything. Stupid stupid poxy buggery keyboard.
I wrote sooo much. I miss Cameron. We had to drive past the cemetery where he's buried on the way to his family's barbeque at his house because it's en route, and that just felt sooooo WRONG. It makes pain drag at my heart and my eyeballs when we pass him like that on our way to be all merry with his family at his house where HE should be. But I know he's where he SHOULD be, because I know God doesn't make mistakes. It's just hard to come to terms with, that's all.
His family are doing well. Michael (4 years old) has the energy of 10 four-year-olds and seems happy and lively. Nathan is 7 months and cute as a button. Neil spent an hour (I'm not kidding) playing with him and cooing over him. I've never seen Neil like this! Maybe it's because we haven't had access to little babies before, or maybe it's because we are expecting one of our own now? Cam's parents laughed and chatted and seemed very much like their old selves, though I know you can't tell how they are feeling underneath. Cameron's mum talked about him a lot throughout the afternoon. She would say things like, "That's just what Cameron used to say" (referring to something Michael said) or "D'you remember Cameron used to..." or "Cam used to drive me MAD with...." etc. I'm so glad Cam is talked about like that so easily, because it's very healthy for his family and it shows they are going through the grieving process healthily I think. Also it's good for the little ones to have Cameron talked about all the time so he doesn't disappear. And it's good for me, I guess, to be there and hear lots of chat all about Cam as if he was just upstairs fetching something he wanted to show me from his bedroom. But it was painful, because he wasn't there, and it felt like a ripped hole in the scene. Someone was painfully missing from the gathering and it was hard not to feel sad about it. But then, it was such a nice afternoon and everyone was in good spirits, and the weather was nice and the food was good, and Michael was lively and Nathan was super-cute, and everyone talked and laughed. It's hard to hang onto sadness when there is joy all around you.
I really miss him. His birthday is not too far off now (July 1st) and I am dreading it. I can't imagine how hard it will be for his family, I can't bear how painful it will be for them. He would have been 12 this birthday, which seems CRAAAZY, I could never believe how fast he was growing up. I have my scan that day where we will hopefully find out if our baby is a girl or a boy, but I also want to visit his grave and think about him a bit that day. How weird it's going to be to be filled with joy at seeing the little life growing inside me and finding out if I have a daughter or a son, and yet on the same day to mourn for an honorary son who should be celebrating his birthday and getting hugs and presents from me. I think it will be a weird/happy/sad/difficult day, and I'm not looking forward to it, as much as I'm looking forward to the scan.
Well I have to pee and eat so I will finish for now. I had so much more to write but I'm all typed out and I'll have to write again another time. Hopefully sooner this time, but you know how I am!
Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24