I'm feeling ....
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More to follow....
Unofficial Christian Diaryland Webring!
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2004-03-24 - 12.46pm previous entry next entry I just noticed that it has been 6 months today since Cameron died. I was reading Abby's site today and thinking how much her parents are going through. Her burial is tomorrow. I think it gets harder once all that is over, because while you are arranging burials, receptions, visitations, etc, you are still doing things "for" the person who died. It's once they are buried and there is nothing else to "do" for them anymore that it gets unbearably hard. Not that I know this, I just.... figure it must be. Plus what I remember feeling with Cameron, though he wasn't my own child. Anyway I was just thinking these things when I realised the date - the 24th - and realised it must be another full month. I didn't think of it being six months till I counted them up in my head. How weird that he has been gone that long. I still miss him. It scares me to imagine myself back 6 months to the day, because of the pain I felt that day and how it was so overwhelming. I couldn't bear to feel it again. Things are a LOT more bearable now, not even comparable to then. I haven't visited his grave since mid-February. I thought about wanting to visit him last week but I have been having such a hard time with morning sickness that I haven't been well enough to go anywhere lately. I will go when I feel well enough, which will be soon hopefully. I know he won't be able to hear me, but I can't wait to "tell" him that I'm pregnant! In the first month or so when I used to visit him all the time, I used to picture myself at his grave, telling him I was going to have a baby. Crazy. But anyway, it's so nice that I'll be able to now. Even though I still feel weird talking to a child who isn't alive anymore. I just do. Neil and I dug the scanner out last week to scan my ultrasound photo onto the computer. I haven't used it for ages because I usually use my digital camera to put images on the computer. Anyway, when we finally got it all set up and switched it on, the preview image that was saved from the last time it was used popped up on the screen, and it was a picture of me with Cameron on my lap, my arms all around him, and him doing that huge grin. It stopped me in my tracks but it didn't stab me painfully like I'd expected. Neil looked at me all concerned, but I just said, "Oh it's Cameron!" and smiled at his crazy grin. It hurt, but there was warmth in the feeling too. I think this is just how it should be, and I'm glad that things are progressing "normally" with my grief over losing him. I am still kind of dreading his birthday. I can't imagine not seeing him or speaking to him or hugging him or figuring out which present to get him on his birthday like normal. It's July 1st so I have a while to wait, but I think of it a lot because I know it will be hard. Well I don't really have much else to say. Most stuff is written in my pregnancy journal at the moment because nothing else is happening other than things to do with my pregnancy right now. I know this will ease off in later months and I'll have other things to write about, so you can be sure I'll update this diary a bit more then! At the moment I don't go out or anything because I have been feeling so sick and have lost a lot of weight (11lbs!) and am therefore much weaker. I am putting it back on though, and my first trimester is slowly but surely creeping by. I just had to update about Cameron. I could have 50 children and still love Cameron as one of them. He will always have a special place in my heart. |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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