Great Christian Diaries

2003-09-25 - 4.45pm  previous entry  next entry

This is a compilation of things I've written about my time with Cameron from the day I met him just after my 18th birthday in February 1994, to a while before his transplant, a couple of years later in February 1996. I didn't do much journalling after 1996 for some years, so I think this is pretty much all I have from that time. But I have compiled it together so I have a record of my little boy and how he made me feel and how I felt for him: The Cameron Diaries.

Friday 25th February 1994

I finally started my voluntary work at the hospital. Thursday mornings and Friday afternoons I work in the playroom at the Children’s Ward, except when Cameron comes in - the little boy I’ve been assigned to. I met him today. He’s gorgeous. He’s 22 months old now, and can walk if you hold both his hands or if he hangs onto something with wheels.

Monday 26th December 1994

Cameron’s family gave me a card and £20 Boots vouchers for Christmas! Isn’t that lovely?!! I was so overwhelmed by that - I really wasn’t expecting it. They also gave another card to “Alice and family”. Ooh they’re all so lovely!!!! I really miss Cam at the moment. I saw him last Monday (19th) in the morning, before he went home in the evening. It was normal respite but he had spent Sun 11th - Fri 16th at Birmingham Children’s Hospital undergoing tests like biopsies and the like. He had a lot of anaesthetics. His parents stayed with him in the hospital, so they were really knackered by the time they got him back to our local hospital. They managed to arrange an extra day of respite. Anyway, I really miss him. Again. I don’t know whether or not he’ll be in next weekend because it’s New Year’s Weekend, but I’ll see.

Tuesday 24th January 1995

It’s a Cameron Weekend. I think I can see Cam on Friday because I’ve been told I’m not working Friday afternoon. I hope not. Anyway, then if I skip Saturday morning I could see him in the late afternoon. Or if that’s going to be difficult then I could skip Saturday altogether and see him all or most of Sunday. I can’t wait to see him. I’ve missed him. I always do when I don’t see him. D’you know, last time I was with him he called me Alice. Properly. I mean, he’s been calling me Ali for a while now, but for the first time he said, “Alice”. He had walked round the corner and when I hadn’t followed, he said, “Alice?” It’s the first time he’s been able to pronounce the end of my name. It was a lovely moment. I love him completely to pieces.

Friday 24th March 1995

I have put on a bit of weight at last!! It could be building up muscles from all the work I’ve done with Cameron recently. He’s been in hospital with some liver trouble and I was in every day for a week.

Saturday 19th August 1995

It’s a Cameron weekend. I love this child so much I’m staggering under it. He calls Mummy “Drain” because he can’t pronounce the ‘J’ properly yet! I am very very lonely. I have numbed myself to it because it was so uncomfortable to bear before. I spend as much of my waking time as I am allowed to with Cameron at the moment, because when I’m not doing that, there’s nothing and no-one for me. Cam keeps me going. I feel so appreciated and needed at the hospital. Everybody likes me for what I do and I get a lot of love from Cameron.

Saturday 21st October 1995

I am feeling very panicky tonight. I was at the hospital this evening with Cameron and he was sick. I had to get myself into a position so that I couldn’t see him being sick, and I felt helpless and pathetic. One of the nurses comforted him, and I felt so angry at myself because it should have been  me comforting him and sorting him out. He didn’t know that nurse very well. I felt guilty that I’d neglected him when he needed me.

Sunday 22nd October 1995

Today I went back to the hospital and Cameron is fine. I felt better when I saw how well he was. But when his parents came to pick him up, they said he often vomits like that when he’s just been put on his intravenous feed, which he was having done last night. I was  so relieved!!

Friday 27th October 1995

I’m very happy. It has been a beautiful day, and I spent the afternoon looking after Cameron at the hospital. I feel very close to Cameron today. I’m quite overwhelmed by how much I love him. I feel I could be happy to spend the rest of my life being with him and taking care of him. I feel guilty tonight that I don’t love other people more than I love Cam. Tonight I feel like I love him more than my family, and more than my cats, and more than Katy, and - worst of all - more than God. I feel very guilty of that.

Sunday 29th October 1995

I feel sad because I won’t see Cameron for a whole three weeks. I stayed late into the evening with him. Somebody thought he was mine today, and told me so. That really made my day.

Friday 17th November 1995

I get to see Cameron tomorrow. Wonderful.

Saturday 18th November 1995

I saw Cameron today and it was so lovely to see him. His parents have separated. His mum phoned me this morning and told me. Even though it wasn’t necessary for her to come to the hospital and look after Cam because I’d be there, she suggested we both look after him. I knew that meant she needed to talk. We took Cameron out and walked miles with him in the pushchair. She talked for two out of three hours. I am amazed that she is so open with me about her feelings. She can’t cope looking after Cam on her own, so he is staying at the hospital until something can be sorted out.

My “problems” seem so incredibly trivial compared to hers. I ache to help her more than I am at present, but I’m totally inadequate to the task. I never know what to say when people are upset. It’s always frustrated me so much. But I can’t bear for her to go through all this, and for me to just watch. I feel so helpless and I find it quite upsetting. I am praying for them all the time. It never seems enough, but I don’t know what else to do.

Saturday 25th November 1995

I have spent the whole day with Cameron. I brought him here and we played all day. He even had a nap in my bed. I just sat and watched him. I feel like I have such purpose when I’m caring for Cameron. Today I told him, “Cameron, I love you. I love you all the time and I’ll love you forever and ever.” And I meant it. Even when he throws tantrums at me! He said that he loved me, and I could have burst.

I am aware that I go on about him and how much I love him, but that’s what I keep feeling. It’s a big thing in my life. But I’m wondering why I am so obsessive (because sometimes, that’s how it feels) about giving so much love to a child. I’m not trying to say that any of the love I feel for Cameron is false. Just that maybe I’m trying hard to give something to him that I wish I had for myself, maybe as a child, maybe now. Or both.

Monday 27th November 1995

It is late and I have to get up very early in the morning, but I doubt I’ll get much sleep. Cameron’s mum just phoned me at 10.30 this evening to tell me that she and Cam are being taken up to Birmingham Children’s Hospital. There is a possible donor for Cameron’s transplant. If the transplant goes ahead, it will begin at about noon tomorrow.

Her phone call threw me into a complete state of panic. I felt sick and I was shaking. I was absolutely petrified, and I was really panicking. I didn’t know what to draw on for strength. At the time it didn’t even occur to me to turn to God. In a very unemotional manner, I informed my parents, and later on my brother, of what was going on. They have all met Cameron many times and they think he’s lovely.

The very next thing I did was to phone Katy’s family. It was the first thing I thought of doing. After the phonecall and some panic relief drops, I felt a lot calmer.

The next thing I thought was, “Where is Teresa when I need her?” I know that’s unfair, but it’s also unfair that these things will always happen when Teresa is away.

I don’t know what to do. I am so frightened. I don’t know how to cope with everything else that’s going on and this at the same time. I will pray as hard as I can. But I am finding prayers frustrating because I can’t find the words to express what I want to express to God. I know it doesn’t matter because God knows and understands, but I still find it very frustrating. I wish I had people to pray with me. I would feel so much more strength towards Cameron if I knew there was a net of people praying for him. If Teresa was here I’d call her and ask her.

I have no way of knowing tomorrow if Cameron’s transplant is being performed or not. If he has it done, I will only know afterwards when his mum calls me to let me know. It’s a 12-15 hour operation so it will be a long time before I know. If it doesn’t go ahead Cam’s mum says they will be home on Wednesday or Thursday. He was due to go there tomorrow anyway, for liver biopsies.

I love him. I’m so frightened that I’ll never see him again. There are exactly four weeks until Christmas, and I know it’s pessimistic, but I keep wondering if he’s going to live to see Christmas. It’s all so sudden. I’m afraid to cry because once I start to let go I could lose control. The fear could easily engulf and suffocate me. I don’t want to be alone. More than ever I feel the need to physically hold onto someone and never let go.

Tuesday 28th November 1995

Because I didn’t get much sleep last night, I overslept considerably this morning. I missed quite an important lecture first thing, and I wasn’t going to go at all but I knew I’d go to pieces if I didn’t. I went in for 10.30.

I am spending so much time praying for Cameron that nothing else gets done. This morning I was in such a state of panic. I was as nauseous and shaky as I was last night, if not more so. I prayed and prayed, but my efforts felt so weak and helpless. I felt like I was trying to move a ten ton weight with my forefinger. It took a lot of courage, but I phoned the pastor of my new church this morning, and asked him if he would pray for Cameron. He was very nice to me and he said he would pray for Cam. I felt such relief - I can’t describe it. I felt much more calm and stronger.

When my friends at college asked me why I was late, I told them about Cameron and I was quite surprised to find I really had to struggle to suppress an emotional outburst that suddenly came upon me. By huge coincidence I met two nurses from the children’s ward where I look after Cameron, in London today. We talked about him and they - or rather, one of them - said, “He really loves you, you know.” It made my heart melt with love for him, but it didn’t make me feel like crying. I have been strangely calm ever since then. I am so calm and rational about it this evening that I can’t quite believe it. As I write this diary, Cameron could be undergoing a transplant. That is a very frightening thought but it’s almost as if there is a wall at the moment, between panic and me, physically separating us. I have now reached the stage where I am optimistic about Cameron. That he  will have this transplant, and he  will make a good recovery. I don’t know whether that’s realistic or not, but I am beginning to prepare myself for supporting him and his family if they should need me during his recovery. I can’t start to think of anything else or the panic comes back and I can’t cope with it. It is distracting me from my studies, but that’s to be expected. I guess I just have to wait. Waiting is horrible and extremely stressful but I am coping at the moment. I don’t care much for the rest of my activities though.

Wednesday 29th November 1995

I am still thinking about Cameron a lot but I’m still calm. I can’t stand waiting and not knowing though.

Thursday 30th November 1995

Cameron is home. What a relief! I feel unexpected sadness that he didn’t get his transplant though.

Saturday 9th December 1995

An amazing thing happened today! I have been at Cameron’s house, looking after him. In the evening I helped his mum put him on his intravenous feed. I’m always a bit worried about being around when that happens, because sometimes he vomits as he’s being linked up. This time he did vomit, a lot. His mum was wearing sterile gloves so she couldn’t touch him and I had absolutely no choice. I was watching him suspiciously for a long time before it happened, constantly worrying about it. I was worried right up to the moment when he said he was going to be sick, and his mum said, “Sit him up, quick!” So I did, and because she couldn’t touch anything,  I got him a bowl, and  I held it in front of his face, and  I put my arms round him and said “Good boy” every time he vomited! I am  so proud of myself. I was very shaky afterwards but not because I was frightened. I  was afraid while it was happening though but I didn’t panic. And it hasn’t worried me that I might catch something from him like it normally does. I don’t know what the reason for this is, but I was praising God for hours afterwards! The Lord is doing some incredible things in my life, I can tell you! I came home and told everybody! I called Katy’s family as well.

The other wonderful thing about today was (apart from being with Cam) that Cameron’s mum talked to me about her many problems. I like it when people feel they can talk to me. It makes me feel needed and valued. If I’m the only one that needs to talk I feel pretty pathetic.

She told me the most lovely thing. She said she wished I was Cameron’s godmother, because I’m so good to him. Cam’s godmother is someone who she was friends with when he was born, and they’ve lost touch, so doesn’t do much for Cam now. I was so touched by that because - well, you know how much I love him, and I’d give anything to be closer to him. I don’t want him ever to forget how much I love him.

Saturday 16th December 1995

I spent the day with Cameron again. He is so lovely. I feel very close to him - he’s a very special little boy. He was a bit sick again and he seemed more distressed by it than he normally is. I was okay. I comforted him but my heart was beating very fast! Cameron’s mum is going to have me trained to do his intravenous feeds by myself so that she can go out some evenings and I can babysit. That’s pretty scary but I’m always eager to do things that will bring me closer to him.

Saturday 23rd December 1995

I had to cancel going to look after Cam today because I’m still not well with this tummy upset.

Saturday 30th December 1995

I spent my afternoon looking after Cameron as he is in hospital this weekend. He is exhausting but it is very obvious that he loves me, and that really lifts me up. Other people notice it too. Cameron is also a very good distraction from other things that are hard to deal with at the moment.

Sunday 31st December 1995

I looked after Cameron this afternoon, and he is very clingy to me at the moment, which I’m afraid I’m inclined to boast about!

Monday 1st January 1996

I felt very happy earlier, because I took Cameron out from the hospital. Katy and her sister Emma came round to meet Cameron and play with him, and we all stayed at my house all afternoon. I enjoyed spending time with Cam so much, but I especially liked having other people meet him. I seem to take any compliments that people make on him very personally. I feel so proud that he is so delightful. Everybody loves him. He tired me out though!

I took Katy and Emma home in the evening, and then I drove back to the hospital with Cameron. I hope I never forget a part of that journey because it’s a lovely memory. I hope I can explain it as clearly as I feel it.

It was dark and there was hardly any traffic. I felt very peaceful. I started singing a really beautiful song from one of my Christian music tapes, and then I noticed that Cameron had fallen asleep in his car seat. I felt such a surge of love towards him. When I feel like that, it always feels like he is the centre of my world and the very purpose of my life, but this time, although my feelings for him weren’t any less than before, I felt that God was the centre and purpose of my life. My love for God has never overwhelmed my love for Cameron. I thought it would be uncomfortable, knowing that I could love anything more than Cam, but it was lovely. I still love Cameron the same, but God more. I felt so at peace with the world.

And at the hospital, qualified nurses are beginning to look to me with respect and they ask  me about aspects of Cameron’s care. They report things to me when I arrive. So many people mistake me for his mother. Parents of other children in the hospital confide in me, as a fellow “parent of a sick child”, then realise I’m not one. I get so much out of all this. It lifts me up, it makes me happy and it makes me feel worthwhile. And I enjoy Cameron’s company.

Wednesday 3rd January 1996

This afternoon and evening, I have been with Cameron at the hospital. His mum was supposed to be with him because he had to have lots of tests done, but she was so stressed out and she just couldn’t stand to be there anymore, so she went and I stayed with him.

It was exactly what I needed to lift me up because I felt very much appreciated by everyone, and most importantly by Cameron. I held him while he was sedated, and I went with him to have his scans done. I was even allowed to stay holding his hand and wearing protective clothing while the scans were taken. He wouldn’t go anywhere without me today. I stayed long after his sedative had worn off.

I don’t know what I feel today. The only thing I’m sure of today is that I love Cameron.

Friday 5th January 1996

Today I have spent all my time with Cameron and his mum. She needed me today. Cam was in hospital for an operation and she called me from the hospital. She was so stressed that I went to pick her up and we went shopping for a couple of hours. She talked almost non-stop about Cameron and his dad, and other things that were getting on top of her. I drove her back to the hospital and because she didn’t have any transport to get Cameron home, I stayed to take them. Cameron was very excited that I was taking them home. When he had recovered from his sedation, the doctors came round to talk to his mum about the operation and other tests they’ve done. I felt wonderful because I was included in the discussion. I felt so privileged.

I took them home and let his mum talk some more. I ended up staying to do his TPN feed. I feel very proud of myself that I gave so much today to help them, just because Cam’s mum had called me to say she was stressed at the hospital. I feel like I made a difference.

Saturday 6th January 1996

I went straight to Cameron’s this afternoon, to look after him while his mum had a sleep. Again I stayed to do his TPN. He was sick this evening. I don’t even feel an adrenaline rush anymore when he is sick. His mum talked to me a lot again. I really care for her, and obviously for Cameron too. I’m glad that I’m able to help her like I do, but I wish there was something I could do to make things better.

Saturday 20th January 1996

I spent nearly all of today with Cameron. He isn’t well. He’s got a line infection and his temperature was so high that he was fitting. But today he was so much better that they let me take him out. So that was uplifting. Cameron always is.

Thursday 8th February 1996

My decision-making skills have reached an all-time low. I feel very confused and unsure about my feelings and emotions. I don’t know what else to write. I miss Cameron. He always lifts me up when I feel down.

Sunday 11th February 1996

I feel so confused about my feelings. Sometimes I can’t quite identify them. But this feels different to when I normally feel depressed. I’m beginning to wonder whether I’m safe to do things, like take responsibility for Cameron. I don’t feel stable or secure in myself. I don’t know what I might do. It scares me. I feel very out of control and it makes me sad that I’ve come to this.

Tuesday 13th February 1996

I dreamt about Cameron last night. I love when I dream about Cameron, but this time my dream made me feel insecure and uneasy. I don’t know why.

Saturday 17th February 1996

I am very tired today. I spent the day with Cameron. I brought him here. We mucked around. We made green goo with water and flour and oil and food colouring, and we got into a terrible mess. I always end up regretting doing that kind of thing with Cam, but this time it was different. I felt like a child again. In a way that I haven’t for a long time, except last night. We laughed and played. We got goo in our hair and on our faces, and all over our clothes. I had to put him in the bath and change his clothes! It was such fun. When I took him back to the hospital he was holding my hand and went very quiet. He suddenly stopped and said, “Alice is always here.” That’s wonderful to hear, because that’s what I’ve been wanting him to know and be aware of, for a long time. I love him so much.

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