Great Christian Diaries

2003-12-02 - 12.51pm  previous entry  next entry

Thank you Poppy and Meg for your guestbook entries! :) Poppy, I'm glad someone knew the song I was talking about!

I have had two nights in a row of dreaming about Cameron. Weird dreams too. It's been a while since I have dreamt about him I think. The one last night was particularly weird. Some kid was reading me one of those cryptic maths questions (!!) - he was saying, "A boat is X feet wide and Y feet long, and (a load of other variables). A raft is made of Y and Z, and measures X feet squared. A squirrel weighing N pounds sits on the boat. Cameron sits on the raft. Which of these will survive the longest in stormy waters?"

I told you it was weird. And not funny-weird either. It was a really scary-decision type of feeling as I tried (in vain!) to figure the answer out. Cameron just sat there on this raft watching me, completely trusting me. I felt unable to figure out the answer, and helpless to save Cameron, because I didn't know if he'd survive, or how long for. It was horrible. I somehow felt responsible for what happened to him and I couldn't manage it for him.

My hands are soooo cold. I have to keep stopping to warm them up.

Yesterday I took Neil to university, because he has another 2 days of study leave (today and yesterday). I decided I would go to the cemetery after I took him, so before we left, I picked a load of those purple daisies again (which are STILL going, despite it being December!!!). I tied them in a little bunch and off we went. I wish Neil would come with me one time. I keep saying I want to take him, but I never actually say, "Can we go now?" He never suggests it. Whenever we're near the cemetery, that's when I want to take him, but it's always when we're heading for uni so he can study, and twice when I've mentioned going to the cemetery at that point, he kind of says "maybe another time", or not that exactly, but that's what comes across. I guess he's in study-mode.

So yesterday I finally visited Cameron's grave - exactly 2 weeks since the last time. That feels sooooo long to me. His mum has put a yellow tub with a plant growing in it on his grave. I guess she figured nobody would steal that. It has a note stuck in the soil which says, "Cameron, my special boy always. Love always, Mum."

The rain has been soooo heavy recently, and so continuous for long periods of time, that the soil in Cameron's grave has sunk several inches!! It's below ground level now, and flat as a pancake. So I got to work turning the soil and gernerally fluffing it up and making it look neat and tidy. I talked to him as I worked, and felt quite happy and normal, which was very different - I think that's a first for me. I told him how I feel happy now, and how I think I've accepted that he is dead, and I know life has to go on, even without him, and that's okay. Not what I want, but I can live with that now, for whatever reason. I told him maybe it was to do with talking to his lovely mum recently. I told him how I still miss him loads and I can't wait to see him again. I talked about Michael's birthday coming up and how knackered me and his mum would be after looking after all those kids for the day - as Cam would personally appreciate! He always did say that Michael could be a handful, he knew all about it from a grown-up perspective.

The rain has made the earth fall away from under his paving stone - there's a gap of about an inch underneath it. The other kids' graves look okay, just a little flat, but maybe it's because Cameron's grave is so new and the earth so freshly filled, that it has compounded a lot in the rain. I think they top graves up when that happens, because I saw some signs posted at other graves asking the families to remove their flowers so that the graves could be topped up. We have had some pretty serious weather lately!

Today I took Neil to uni again, and I didn't intend to visit the cemetery since I'd just been the day before, but I ended up driving there anyway. That's why my hands are so cold, because I literally just got home from the cemetery. They're warming up now though.

I only stayed a few minutes today - my shortest visit by far. I wanted to see what my attempts at loosening the soil would have done after another night of rain. Well it's pretty flat again, but better than it was. I think it gets more water-logged if I've loosened it, but oh well. I told him I just wanted to stop by to say hi and I love you, and to tell him I was wearing my pyjamas under my coat and trousers, because I was (couldn't be bothered to wash and dress when Neil asked for a lift), and because Cameron would have found it funny. I miss him a lot today, and things feel a little weird again that he's gone. A bit more achy. But I think I am still doing okay about it. I crouched over the grave and laid the palm of my hand on the cold wet soil for a while, and just told Cameron that I miss him. I suppose I wanted to reach out and touch him, but touching the soil like that didn't really do it. Today is just a day where I miss physical contact with him, so it makes things a little more achy, and it also makes me touch his grave a lot more than usual, just because I want to be close to him and hold him again, and all I can do is put my hands on his soil or stroke his cross marker as I wipe the worst of the rain off it.

Bleh. But missing him is good, right? It means I love him.

Other news now.

After the cemetery yesterday, I went into town and ended up staying there for 4 hours!!! I meant to buy maternity bras (see my pre-preg diary if you're that interested in why - I'm still not pregnant though, so don't get too excited!). But instead I ended up going Christmas shopping! It worked really well because now I have bought (and wrapped!) presents for Mummy, Daddy and one for Neil. I have others for Neil stashed around the house (since mid-November!) so I ought to find them and wrap them soon! And I also got my grandparents' present. So I'm really pleased with all that. Just my brother to go now, and a couple of little things for Neil still. At school I used to have a list of dozens of people to buy presents for at Christmas, amongst all my family and friends. But now we just do family. Otherwise things can get extremely out of hand! If you suddenly make 20 friends then it gets difficult. Christmas in my family has always been sort of family-only anyway. Friends get Christmas well-wishes in Christmas cards, and maybe some socialising, but presents are for family. So that makes it easier to stick to that now I guess. Plus it saves a lot of money worries.

I went all over town looking in shops. I found all the things I'd wanted for family presents. The only unsatisfactory thing was that I tried a billion maternity bras on and didn't find that perfect bra that I had hoped for. In fact I got so frustrated that I tried a billion NON materity bras on as well, and none of those fit right either. So in desperation I got myself measured. That's the first time since a nice lady in her 60's measured me for my first bra when I was 11!!! Anyway, I am not what I thought I was, but even trying that size didn't work. I seem to be between all existing sizes. Grrr!! But changing size all month anyway, so that complicates matters. Oh to be pregnant and do away with all this inflate, deflate, inflate, deflate thing! So I came away with no bras, and am still stuck with a drawer FULL of bras that I absolutely cannot wear and will probably never fit me again, and two fairly tired maternity bras that fit me great (except they are now getting kind of small), and a pile of maternity bras that are way too big. Grrr.

Of course, in trying on all those bras, I had to be in maternity shops like Mothercare, with all the absolutely darling baby clothes and things. I am having a broody patch to match any previous broody patch that I've ever had. But I'm repeating myself from my other diary so I'll stop here. See the other diary for how church went on Sunday. Big long ranty stuff that I realised halfway through that I should be writing it here, but oh well. It's there, and I don't like to repeat myself too much so that's all about that.

I woke up with a determined feeling yesterday. I felt fed up with how I'm living at the moment, and convinced that God wasn't going to let me get pregnant till I pulled myself together or something. So I started writing a plan. I used to write plans all the time in my teens, a time when I was highly dissatisfied with myself a lot of the time.

This plan says I need to sleep and eat at regular normal times. I need to eat healthier, although I am doing pretty good at that anyway. I need to exercise regularly and build up my fitness. I need to build prayer times into my day, every day. I need to be more active in general. And I need to forge new friendships and have more of a social life. I need to get past this fear of vomiting, because it's restricting my whole life, just as it always has done.

Soooo, I wrote a plan. I decided that whether I hate it or not, or whether it seems really OTT, I know I need a strict schedule until I get used to it. I need boundaries set to help me with my own self-discipline. I am awful at sticking to things, especially things that I don't like, I mean REALLY awful. Even things that I know I need to do.

I've tried to fix all of the above things at various points throughout the year, but haven't succeeded at any of them in the long run. So I don't know what else to do but make myself stick to a regime till it's second nature.

So I started to write a schedule for myself, which is much harder than I thought it would be! It involves getting up at 8am, and going to bed at 10.30pm whether I'm tired or able to sleep or not. This will suck for at least a week, because I simply cannot sleep till between 2 and 3am, even if I go to bed hours before that, or get up early that morning so I'll be knackered by normal bedtime. It's driving me mad, so I need to get drastic about it now I think.

And I need to eat meals at exactly the same time each day, three times a day. I am as bad at eating as I am with sleeping at the moment, my appetite is not co-operative, and I am used to eating when I'm hungry, which is usually twice a day (plus a snack or two), once around 11am and again in the evening. I have noticed that my sleep and eating times go hand in hand, and if one is out of whack, it throws the other out too, or at least disrupts it. So even if I am not feeling that hungry I need to get used to eating 3 meals a day at normal times.

I need to fix up some exercises, realistic ones. I would maybe swim once a week, realistically. So maybe I need to do a bit of my aerobics video another time in the week, or take a walk when I go to the cemetery sometimes. But I need to make sure that whatever I do, I do it often enough.

I want to start my day with a good block of prayer time, to get focused on God at the beginning of each day. That puts things into the right perspective for the day to continue in.

And I can kill 2 birds with one stone if I join the ladies' fellowship group at church. It is basically a small-ish group of women who happen to be mothers, who meet mid-morning on Thursdays. I know a lot of the women already, but only to say hi to. Joining this group would give me social time, help me make new friends and build on existing friendships, and expose me to babies and toddlers in tummy-bug season. If I get a bug it will be an opportunity for God to help me deal with my fear of vomiting. Or at least to realise that I won't die if I'm sick. If I don't get a bug, at least I will know that God is protecting me. I don't know. I think allowing myself to be exposed is facing the fear so that's got to be good. Right? I think I will need a lot of prayer support if I do this, because I am not going to be naiive and presume that it's going to be easy, or that I'll realise how silly I've been, etc. This fear is a SERIOUSLY big deal to me, and Satan has had a huge hold on me through it for a long long time. He is not gonna want me to move on and get free of it, so I don't think it's going to be an easy thing, but that's why I need prayer support. The Bible says to take a stand against the devil, but I know I'm pretty weak so I need God's help to stand. But in his strength I can.

Yesterday I got part-way through making a timetable for my week (yuck, but I think it's necessary), and was even having lots of fun colour-coding it (!!), but then Neil needed a lift to uni so I put it down, and since I got home I haven't wanted to do it anymore :( And also yesterday I was all, "Today is the first day of the rest of my life!" and I picked up the phone to call Chris to ask her if I could come to the fellowship group this very week, but the line was engaged forever, so I decided to try later. Thing is, now I am getting chicken. It's so hard to stick to good intentions. Especially when they are brave or life-changing ones. Hence the need for prayer support!

Ooooh, quite a long break there, because guess what?! Sharon (Cameron's mum) just phoned me!!! I love to hear from her. I wanted to talk about Cameron and say how I was just at his grave a couple of hours ago, but I don't know if she is ready for that kind of chat yet. I don't know if I would have been a few weeks ago, so I don't want to make anything difficult for her.

She says she is "getting there". Nathan had his first vaccinations this morning, poor little chap! Sharon is going to have counselling, which I think is a really good idea. I hope and pray that it helps her a lot. She asked how I was doing, and I said much better since our last chat, and she was glad about that.

She was phoning to say that Cameron's school have finally got the bench and plaque that will be set up to commemorate him, and they are having a little ceremony to unveil them on Thursday afternoon with the kids in his class. Sharon said that she and her brother are going, but she's not sure if her husband will have to work that afternoon. She asked me if I would like to go!!!! I feel so honoured! :) Of COURSE I would like to go, I can't think of anything more special than to be invited to such an event in Cameron's honour, and I am just so flattered to be asked. I know Cameron would have loved to see me there with his mum and school friends, if he'd been standing among them. I remember going to a little concert that his class did when he was in nursery school. I felt so proud! Proud of him, and proud to be considered that close to the family. His eyes searched me out amongst the audience of mums just as much as they searched for Sharon as he sang his songs with his class in front of us. Ahhh it was a proud moment! :) So I know he'd be pleased to see me at his school.

So NOW I am glad that Chris's phone was engaged yesterday, because I would have arranged to go to fellowship group when I need to be getting ready to go to Cameron's. His mum said I should come over to their house around 1.30, and we could walk to the school together. The presentation is at 2pm. She said she will introduce me to Cameron's friends, particularly his special friends. She says they are all lovely kids, and they say hello to her when she goes past them to take Michael to nursery. She suddenly said, "Oh! But only if you're not busy!" To which I replied that I would drop anything I was doing to go to Cameron's school for something like that. But I wasn't busy anyway :)

Sharon asked me whether I'd started work or anything since we last spoke, and I said no, but that I was thinking of going to a ladies' fellowship group, because I wanted to socialise a bit more with mums, even though I wasn't one yet. She asked if it was to do with my church, and I said yes. She said that was a great idea. She said Cameron would have liked that idea too. She said he would have had a million questions, like, "What do you do? How long have you been there?" etc! He always did ask a lot of questions! But I like that she said that to me.

Then Nathan woke up so she had to go. I can't wait till Thursday. But it feels kind of like Cameron's funeral all over again for some reason, which is a little bit weird. It won't be though, on the day. It's just that the last time I went to his house was to an event that honoured and paid tribute to Cameron, and that was his funeral. But it will be better, I hope. Sharon says she hasn't been to anything like this before so it will probably be a very weird experience, but good. I hope it will be lovely.

Anyway that is my update I think. This week is busier than usual. Tomorrow is a day of prayer and fasting for a local youth project in our area - all the churches are supporting it, and each church is picking a day to pray and fast from midnight to midnight. This way the project is being covered in prayer continually for 40 days, which was their plan. Different people at church are praying at different slots in the day, and some are fasting. I am praying for an hour, but I am not sure whether to go into the church office to pray with one or two others, or to pray at home. God is already doing amazing things in the work of this project, and the prayer time is only halfway through so far!!

And we have therapy tomorrow. Then Thursday is Cameron's thing at his school. It's also free listing day at eBay, and I have probably got a ton of things to sell, so I might try my hand at selling instead of buying for once! On Friday I am going to Judith's to type up an application form for next year's camp - her arms are bothering her so she can't type at the moment. And then in the evening on Friday we have our traditional family outing to the pantomime!!! Yay! Granny and Grandoug are treating us, and Bennie and Sarah. It starts at 7pm in the middle of London, which will be an absolute nightmare to get to in standstill traffic. Bleurgh. I still haven't quite figured out what time we should leave or what route to take. We are all making our own way there this year. But it should be good. It's Cinderella :) But sort of.... modernised, apparantly. We'll have to wait and see! Saturday will be a frantic day of DIY scrambling, because on Sunday we are having Granny and Grandoug round for dinner - the first time ever!!! I think I am going to make a roast dinner. Either that or salmon fillets in white wine sauce, which is yummy and I am good at it. But we need the house to look vaguely finished (!!), so the front door absolutely MUST go up this weekend, and I must sew the curtains and put them up, and loads of other little jobs.

So that will keep us busy this week! And that is all. But I'll write again soon.

Recent entries.....

Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24
Update - 5th Anniversary and other stuff! - 2004-08-16
Church picnic and being happy and things :) - 2004-06-27
Barbeque at Cameron's house... - 2004-05-18
To Tara... - 2004-04-19