Great Christian Diaries

2004-04-14 - 11.45am  previous entry  next entry

Thanks everyone for your sympathetic messages about my Easter grumbles! :) I am over my irritability about no church service now!

I had to write again because last night I had a dream about Cameron. It was reeeally vivid and realistic. I am getting a lot of vivid and realistic dreams now that I'm pregnant, much more so than before. Anyway, this one was weird in a way. Cameron was little, younger than when he died. At first he was just around 3 and I was doing lots of finger painting and stuff with him, and we were just chatting and I was just being completely in love with him like I always was, especially when he was that age and I saw him so frequently. We always talked and talked when we were together. Usually about anything that came into his head, which was a LOT of different things, very random!

The feelings in the dream were just so amazing. Like I was at my most content I could ever be in my whole life, just sitting there and being with Cameron. It's how I uesd to feel with him. In the dream I kept telling him I loved him. I did that a lot in reality too, every day I saw him usually, and more than once. But I just kept saying it in the dream, and it was like a drug every time I said it, it gave me such a wonderful buzz and I would immediately want to say it again and again for the same buzz, and just because it was true and I wanted him to hear it.

Then he was older, maybe around 7, and we were talking. The conversation was so.... I can't think of a word for it. It gave me goose-bumps when I woke up and thought about it. I was telling him that I loved him, and if he ever had to go away then that was okay. He was just listening to me and being quiet, just taking it in. He would say things like he didn't want that to happen, or wouldn't I miss him if he did? etc. But I just talked to him so calmly, like I wanted to take away anything that might make him uncomfortable, and never show him how sad I would be if he went away, so that he didn't get hurt. I said it might NOT happen, but if it DID then he should not worry, he should just go if he had to go, and that it would be okay. That *I* would be okay.

I told him I would miss him so much and that I love him, but he should not worry about leaving if it was the right thing to do at the time. Even if he didn't get to say goodbye to me first, it would be okay and he shouldn't worry about me being hurt by it. I told him, "I love you Cameron." and he said, "I love you too." and then I just repeated myself and he repeated it back, and this went on and on, and it sounds crazy, but in the dream it was normal.

I wanted to hug him, he was so close to me and I could have reached out and put my arms around him and held him like I used to, but for some reason it felt like I couldn't physically do that in the dream. But then he went home to his mum, and after he left it was like I missed a part of the dream because I was physically buzzing, like I had been hugging him, and the feeling of my arms around his little frame was sharp and familiar in my mind, so I must have hugged him. I watched him go from my front door (at my parents' old house where I used to live when he was alive).

Then I woke up. First I lay there smiling and thinking, "Ahhh, a lovely dream about my lovely Cameron!" and honestly the weirdest thing - I forgot completely that he had died, for ages. Well probably not ages, but a good few minutes. Then I remembered, and that's when the conversation in the dream seemed so uncanny and deep. I'm glad to have had that dream though. But it's made me crave hugging Cam again. He was the most cuddly child, seriously. Sometimes, especially after a dream like that where all my strong feelings of love for him are brought to the surface, I feel like I might just about burst with how much I love him. Not burst exactly, sort of like my heart or something in there might tear, rip, with longing for him.

I know he's where he's meant to be right now, and his quality of life was going to be limited if he stayed alive - possibly even very poor if he'd survived his heart virus - so I am now at the stage where I would not wish him back. But that's a different thing to wishing to hold him and squeeze him (he was very squeezable!) and tell him face-to-face that I love him. Or not just that, I'd LOVE to talk to him face-to-face, about anything and everything like we used to, for hours. I'd love to do that again. And hear him laugh, that was a wonderful sound. He had an infectious laugh. Ohhh I miss him so much this morning, it aches and aches. So weird because it hasn't ached or hurt for months now I think, and all of a sudden it aches like crazy and pulls and stretches on something inside that I don't think is meant to stretch and pull (hence why it aches). But I think it must be normal after a dream like that.

The weather is so beautiful this morning. I think it's going to rain later but it's gorgeous right now. Neil has taken the car to work, which is perfectly reasonable since I never go out at the moment due to feeling too sick and yucky, but of all days.... I am feeling desperate to go to the cemetery and just spend a while in this nice weather before 3 days of rain hit us (!!), not doing or saying anything in particular, just "being", and somehow feeling nearer to Cameron physically than I am here and now. I know it's only his body there, but all the same, that's where I want to be today. The cemetery is so pretty around now, with all the blossom on the trees, and especially when the weather is pretty. But I can't go. I have no transport and it's far from local to here.

I have a cold sore on my lip. It came up in the night. Urgh. I hate having cold sores, they are so ugly and painful, and they remind me of a nasty pushy 14-year-old who forced himself on me (I was 13) and did things that I am only just coming to terms with, and now I get cold sores and it's all his fault. They are not nice reminders when they surface, but thankfully I only get about one a year, and always in the same place. Yuck. Last year it was sunshine that triggered it, the first really hot day in May I think, and we spent the day in the park and I got loads more sun on my face than in the whole 8 months previous!! And that evening, bam, up came the cold sore. Pfthth. I don't know what's triggered this one. Maybe being pregnant? Sometimes periods trigger cold sores for me, so maybe it's that kind of thing, with all the hormones flying around? Anyway, I am putting that cream on it and I can't wait till it goes away. At least I'm too queasy to go out much, that way nobody has to look at me and see it!

Neil went to see The Passion last night with some friends from church. I chose not to go. I am so curious to see it in a way, but I know I couldn't deal with the amount of violence in the movie, realistic or not. I can't watch violence in any movies or TV programmes, I just can't tolerate it. Neil can, so he went. He started saying he didn't want to go, but that just made me encourage him to go more, because sometimes if God is gonna really bless him or speak to him through something, he is very good at getting really cold feet about it in the day or so before. I have seen this pattern with Neil ten thousand times at least! So he went, and he hasn't said much about it but he seemed to have a good evening and he said the movie was "thought provoking", and yeah, it was really violent.

Yeah it's clouding over now. I knew rain was forecast for later. Oh well, I like rain too :) Maybe I can go for a little walk round the (smelly) streets in a while? I just want to go out today. Or maybe I could phone Neil at work and he could bring the car home at lunch time (something he often does) and I could still go to the cemetery today? That would be nice.

Oh Neil and I had an argument the other night! I was feeling sick like never before and I was in bed trying not to get to the pukey stage. Neil said to call down if I needed anything, so after a while I realised I had to eat something or it was just gonna get worse and worse. So I called down to him. No reply. I called twice more. Nothing. I yelled. Nowt. Now, it doesn't seem to take much to get me super-PMSy irritable at the moment, and I knew Neil had put headphones on and was shooting planes out of the sky on his computer game (a super pet-peeve of mine!) which was why he couldn't hear me, and I COULD have got out of bed and walked downstairs to get his attention, but I felt too sick to move and I was annoyed, so I threw a bottle of lotion from my bedside table down the stairs. THAT got his attention, hehe! But he was really cross at me for chucking things down the stairs. So, PMSy-irritability at the ready, I was cross back, and then he did this thing that I HATE HATE HATE, he called me "young lady", and I yelled at him (we never yell, ever) and urgh.

Anyway he was a sweetie and fetched me some food - he's that lovely - and then he got ready for bed, and I sat up in bed and waited for him so we could talk it through. I thought he was gonna refuse to talk, because he used to do that whenever we argued and it drove me crazy. But he came in with a rather sheepish look on his face, and I said, "I want to talk about some things that were said" and he said, "Okay then" and sat on the bed. Wow I love my husband, and I love what we have together. And I LOVE our therapist for teaching us things that keep our relationship so healthy.

So I apologised for being stroppy and unreasonable, and then I told him a couple of things that I really wasn't happy with. One, I don't want to feel like I have to apologise for asking for help/food if I need to. Right now, that's pretty much all the time, because I feel so so so so sick ALL the time. I need help through this patch. I feel like my side of carrying this baby involves a lot of sacrifices, mostly physical, that I don't have any control over. His side should really be to help me through it, not to have no sacrifices to make whatsoever. We are both in this together, and I need his help when I feel this awful. I felt like recently he has started to become desensitised to how I'm feeling, because it's the same every day. Every day for weeks, I say (all day long), "Urgh, I feel sick!", and now it's like he's hearing it but the meaning has worn off. He can't FEEL how sick I'm feeling, so it's just becoming words to him. He's started to get a little bit pull-yourself-togetherish about it, and I don't like that because it's horrible to feel this sick all the time. I am getting really tired of it myself, and if HE is getting tired of it, it's nothing compared to how I'm feeling about it. So I said all this to him. He listened and like the sweetheart he is, he agreed and apologised.

I promised him it's not for much longer, because I am sure to start feeling better in the next few weeks. I hope! Then the other thing - I told him I have a huge issue with when he calls me "young lady" or other such things by which he implies that he is the parent and I am the unruly child. I hate that. HATE it. It's so wrong in a marriage. And I told him that. I know it sounds strong, but although I see a husband as authorotative and the head of the household in a way, I don't think he has any right to talk to me like that, using language that treats me like a child that he has authority over. So I told him all this. He listened again (he is good at listening) and considered what I was saying, and said he would try to work on that.

Phew, I feel so much better for having talked it through. It's great to be able to say how you feel about things. And I have such a wonderful husband who is willing to admit things he does wrong and try to change. I think that takes a lot of courage and humility, and I'm proud of him for that. I know I struggle with it myself. I am gonna try to be less crabby and demanding, but I think it will be difficult given how HUGE my hormones are right now and how yucky I feel all the time. I know it's gonna be better when I am past this stage and in the second trimester. Boy I can't wait till then!

(edited 10 minutes later to add...)

Guess what?! Neil just brought the car home anyway, and he's gonna leave it with me for the afternoon so I can go to the cemetery!!! Yay! I am happy :) I love Neil.

Recent entries.....

Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24
Update - 5th Anniversary and other stuff! - 2004-08-16
Church picnic and being happy and things :) - 2004-06-27
Barbeque at Cameron's house... - 2004-05-18
To Tara... - 2004-04-19