I'm feeling ....
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More to follow....
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2003-09-26 - 6.36pm previous entry next entry Thank you for more guestbook entries and emails. I appreciate it so very much. I am wondering about this Sunday. I am supposed to be leading the youth group, and I have all this material I need to prepare. It's good stuff. But somehow I keep being drawn to the idea of talking to the kids about Cameron, I don't know why. I just want to be real with them and not like a teacher. I learnt that at camp from Sandy, who told me that to respect children you need to be yourself in every way, real and honest with them. Cameron was the same age as lots of them, and one of the girls knew him because he was in the year below her at her school. I don't think she knew him well, but I remember she recognised him at our wedding. And the death of a kid their age, well, surely that's a big subject. I want to talk to them about God's part in how we cope and in life and death. I don't know what I'll say. I just know that I trust God and love him completely, and that I love Cameron completely, and that it's on the level of these kids because they are his age. So I guess if I talk to them then maybe we'll end up having a discussion that will be meaningful or that they won't forget, and I trust God to give me wisdom and sensitivity. I think I am in a good place to speak to these kids about this subject right now. But I don't know. It would mean chucking aside the stuff we're meant to be following, and it would mean I was stepping out into something I haven't a clue how to carry out. I'll have an adult helper, who I don't really know at all, so I don't feel able to phone and discuss all this with them beforehand. I don't know. It's either that or just push it all aside and focus on leading the session as it's set out in the book, which I could do. But I keep on being drawn back to reaching out to other people about Cameron. Not just keeping it all inside myself. I could even do it and retain control of my emotions at the moment, which would be helpful for a discussion. I think. Today is odd. This morning and afternoon were the same as yesterday. I felt detached and normal and like it was quite easy really. Almost complacent now that it's been a couple of days and I'm still just breezing about feeling not a lot. I know it's Friday and Cam's mum said I could call from Friday if I wanted to. But I don't dare to. I don't want to barge in. I don't want to be insensitive. I want to give the family time, and let them come to me. But I also want to let them know I'm there for them. I am still taking an age to get to sleep with all the pictures of Cameron in my head. And this morning I woke at 6.30 and the pictures started again immediately, whereas yesterday morning I didn't remember he had died until I was a bit more with it. As I lay there this morning I suddenly thought I need to send a condolence card. It never occurred to me until then. But that feels like such a hard thing to do. I only ever go into the card shop to buy a birthday card for Cameron, and I never thought I would be going there to buy a card to tell his family how sorry I am that he died. I don't want to send them a card with a lily on it or swirly writing saying "deepest sympathies" or anything like that. That's not Cameron at all. And it's not me either. I am trying to think of what might be appropriate, but I am not coming up with anything yet. I am beginning to think more about the funeral, and I hope so much that they choose to make it more of a celebration of his life. I hope it's not formal and traditional, because that's not Cameron. For some reason I'm beginning to feel almost afraid that I'll get there and it will be unbearable because somehow it won't be right, won't reflect anything of him, and he's the one we're all going to see. It's his last party, so to speak. I hope we can remember him with laughter as well as tears on the day. This afternoon I have received some emails from people asking if they might see a photo of Cameron, just because he was special and they want to see what he looked like. I had no idea people would want to see him. It feels right to post a photo in my diary now. I don't know why, it just does. Because maybe it's a tribute to him that I post them because people are asking for him, because they want to see him and have been touched by his life in some way. That's different to me just posting photos because I felt like it. So I went through all my photos again, picking out favourites and scanning them, and something weird happened. I feel a bit crazy, but here it is. I started talking to his photos. Remembering the occasions on which they were taken, and laughing about them. Some of them are so funny, full of mischief, and some were taken when he was in the middle of absolutely hysterical laughter on my bedroom floor, because I had been doing banana impressions or whatever it was on that occasion! They make me laugh as I re-live them in my mind all over again. I was laughing and suddenly I found a letter from Cameron where his mum had also written various bits of news. Just one little line from her said quite simply, "Cameron is well and is going to the science museum as a reward for his school work." And I read that and looked at a cheeky photo of Cam next to it, smiling at me, and I said to him, "I had no idea you were going to die, you little monkey!" like it was another of his mischievous games. And then I cried, and the more I looked at him smiling and laughing and just being Cameron, the more I cried, and I'm crying now because I miss him so much without even being angry that he's gone. He just is, and it's not that it's unfair, it's just that it aches. It's cloudy now but earlier on when I was looking at photos it was beautiful outside again, and looking at that through the window seemed to hurt so much more for some reason. Why does it have to be such beautiful weather? And why should that have any effect on me? I don't know. I talked to his photos a lot after that, which makes me feel a bit silly because obviously it makes no difference and he can't hear me. But I wanted to say to "him" out loud that I will always love him, as though I was really talking to him, not how I would say it to another adult or in my mind. I said, "Imagine living another 70 years and how much time that is! Can you imagine me as a little old lady, nearly a hundred years old?! Maybe I won't live that long, because I don't know when I'll die. But if I have seen the world change over 70 years it will be so weird to say or think, "Cameron died 70 years ago" or something like that. But even if I get that old and that much time passes, it won't ever make any difference to how much I love you. And it doesn't matter how many children I have of my own, because I will never love you less than I do now, and you will always have a special place in my heart." Now why couldn't I have found time to say that to him before he died? I just wish I could have. So I have been more emotional this evening. Neil isn't home yet, but that's fine because quite honestly I want to be alone with how I'm feeling at the moment. I am surprised how much it aches, but somehow it's a warm ache, even though it pinches. Anyway, I feel it's right to post some photos of my precious little boy, so here they are. The first one is Cameron when he was just walking on his own. He was almost edible at that age! I remember he was so squidgy and cuddly and gorgeous. He was so funny when he walked, all stiff-legged with his arms up like that. He always got a bigger and bigger smile the nearer he got to me. I loved cuddling him at that age, perhaps more than any other age:  This next one is so funny! This is Cameron aged three in my house, playing the piano. He absolutely loved it, and I am so glad to have caught him in action at this very moment because his expression says it all! He's so adorable:  This is Cameron after the afore-mentioned (see The Cameron Diaries entry) green goo episode! He was wearing my apron that I made at school, and I had to stand him in the bath to get it all off him. You can't see clearly enough in this photo, but there was green goo hanging from his hair! :) Ah we had such fun that day:  This is Cameron in my bed after a nap. He is giggling over something or other, as many of my photos of him keep showing. The one after it (which I haven't posted) was an "after" photo, if this was the "before" one! In the "after" photo, he's on the floor wrapped in the duvet cover, completely helpless with laughter - head back, laughing his head right off - I could see his tonsils in the photo, his mouth was so wide with laughter, and his nostrils were all flared like nostrils do when you laugh so that you can hardly breathe!!! The last time I spoke to him on the phone he was laughing like this as he was struggling to tell me what the graphics looked like on the computer game, "Theme Hospital". He was just totally helpless with laughter. He thought that game was the funniest thing he'd ever seen. He was the funniest most lovely child in the world:  This is Cam on the stairs, just being Cam. I think he was four here:  Here's the one I mentioned a few entries back - it's a photo of me and Cameron on a day out that was organised by the children's ward. We went to Thorpe Park. This was taken in the hospitality tent after the kids who could eat had their lunch. I sent him this photo when he was away from me in hospital after having his transplant, and he has had it on his bedroom wall ever since. I think it's still there now even:  This is the last photo I am posting. It's from my wedding day. Cameron was our page boy, and I had requested this photo loooong before the wedding, with our photographer. I wanted one of just me and the little man in my life on our own together. He was an absolute star that day. I am so glad I have it all on video - my favourite memory of the day ought to be something to do with my husband (!!) or being a bride or something like that, but it's not. My favourite memory of my wedding day is dancing with Cameron to the Jackson 5's "ABC" on the dance floor at my reception. There were people all around us but we were looking at each other right in the eyes and dancing and clapping, me in my big dress and him in the little suit I got him, looking absolutely gorgeous. He was grinning at me when I boogied as the chorus started :) He was a groovy little dancer! And it's all on video. I am so so so glad. Although I don't think I could bear to watch it at the moment. Anyway, he was 7 in this photo:  Well those are the photos. I hope you can all see a bit of why I love him so much. I have so many more photos but I only wanted to pick a few, so here they are. I don't have photos of him from the last couple of years which is a shame. I'm just so glad I have some at all, because otherwise I feel like I would need some and I would not want to have to ask his mum, I don't know why. When I was picking his photos out to post here, I was telling him that everybody wants to know him, everybody wants to see him. Even people in America! I think he would be amazed and happy about that. I told him that everybody loves him, absolutely everybody, and that there's nobody around who DOESN'T love him, which is pretty rare and special. What a lovely little boy. I miss you Cammie. |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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