Great Christian Diaries

2003-12-26 - 10.40pm  previous entry  next entry

Hello, I'm back!!! I hope everyone had a good Christmas!

Thanks to April and Meg for your lovely guestbook messages! And your prayers. xxx

I have a new poll (be calm, people!), and I know you're all delighted that I've got rid of the last question, which 18 of you - bless you - took the time to answer! Not too surprisingly the overwhelming majority were pleased that I'd got a new poll question. Ahem. Anyway, the new question is as thrilling and imaginative as previous polls have been (!!), so please do vote! :) I just want to know if you had a nice Christmas. Aren't I sweet.

Well I survived the trip to the in-laws, and we just got home a couple of hours ago after driving since noon. Neil's dad did not die, which is great news, and he is quite coherent, but still terribly ill. He looks so frail and helpless, and it makes me feel all tender and sad inside when I look at him in his chair with his blanket over him and his drool napkin tucked in his shirt :( He's such a totally lovely Godly man with a wonderful sense of humour and a kind heart. It's terribly sad to see him like this. But I know he trusts in God and I know he is gonna be raised up and healed, no matter whether it's here where we can see it happen, or in heaven where we can meet him later. So that's comforting.

Neil and I took the glyconutrient powder to the doctor's surgery on Tuesday and left it there with a list of questions. We phoned the dietitian and both of us spoke to her, and she okayed the powder from a dietary and tube-feed point of view. On Wednesday we went back to the doctor to pick up the powder and found that he'd given it the all clear too! Yay! So then I phoned Judith to double check a few things about a high dose for a critically ill person, and Neil's mum started him on it today! I really really hope and pray it will make a huge difference to his health. Neil's mum also started the arthritis glyconutrients a couple of days ago, and I'm hopeful about that for her too. Last night Neil and I were praying together in bed before we went to sleep, and I just started praying and praying for his parents to be healed. I just suddenly felt so passionate about it. So I really hope God will use this nutritional stuff and touch them and heal them both. All the glory to God though, if he does. He provides the means.

In the end it was just Neil and I, Neil's parents, and his youngest sister for Christmas Day. His brother couldn't make it as he had a tummy bug (phew!). But it wasn't bad in the end. I would even call it a good Christmas I think. I'm not actually sure about that, but given that it was happy and I had family around me, I guess that was a good Christmas.

But I have been having a terrible problem with anxiety the whole week - after praying about it with Judith and starting to take a stand against it. Well if you know anything about the devil then this would not be a surprise, because obviously it's going to be a battle. So at least I knew that. But it was sooo difficult all the same.

I am sooooo glad to be home. I always find staying with Neil's family a bit stressy. Sometimes a lot stressy. Sometimes by the time we've been there a few days his mum or his sister drive me up the wall! But this time wasn't so bad, and I don't have any irritable hormones affecting me this week which is nice (and helpful!). Neil's family are such lovely people, I am really glad to have nice in-laws. Also they are Christians, and not the passive kind either, which is soooo wonderful for me, since none of my family are Christians. I get to spend time with a family that LOVES Jesus, and are always talking about him or bringing God into things, or praying aloud. I love that. They always give me books about a relationship with God or about Jesus or the Holy Spirit. I love that too. One of the first times I ever went to stay there, Neil and I had only been going out a short while, so I was a pretty new Christian, and I was having real problems with depression in general, and not sure what to do with my life. I remember before we left to go home, his mum and dad sat with me in their living room and laid their hands on me and prayed for God to touch me and heal me and draw close to me. I'll never forget that. It felt so weird (but wonderful) that it was "family" praying for me like that! So alien to what I'd always known.

But EVERYTHING there is so different to what I've always known. The way they live and do things is poles apart from how I was brought up and how my parents do things. So some of it rubs me up the wrong way, naturally. My parents liked a tidy house and they hate clutter. Not that our house was neat as a pin, but yeah they hated too much furniture clogging up space in a room, or piles of things everywhere. My dad says he can't relax in mess. I feel the same, though it's often messy here! But I'm sooo much more relaxed and comfortable with my surroundings when they are tidy and ordered.

Anyway, Neil's family home is the complete opposite. I feel kind of claustrophobic there, like I can't move for clutter. I have never ever ever in my life seen a home with so much clutter. Way too much furniture for each room so that in our bedroom, for example, I had to climb over two chairs just to get in my side of the bed at night, and wardrobes in the hallway upstairs so you have to turn sideways to get past the top of the stairs into a bedroom! And every wardrobe in the house (there are several) is piled on top with boxes, papers, games, old clothes, right up to the ceiling, and all haphazardly so that it all looks like it's gonna fall down any second. The bathroom is the same. The bath is full of a million bottles (I counted 64 whilst on the toilet one afternoon!), towels (mostly wet and used) and the chair to help Neil's dad take a bath, because if it was stored next to the bath you wouldn't be able to get to the sink. Every cupboard is packed full to overflowing, with extra stuff piled on top of the cabinets. It's one of those homes with Hallmarky phrases in frames on the walls that say "God bless this mess" or not-so-cute little poems about dirty dishes meaning a blessed household, etc. Warm and lovable and welcoming, but all the same it gets riiiight under my skin and ends up driving me crazy in no time at all. I don't know why it should, but I am guessing it is to do with how I've been brought up or something.

I am really picky about things being clean too, and I hate soggy hand towels in the bathroom, wet puddles on the floor, cracks in the soap bar with dirt in them, rugs that look like they were last hoovered when they were purchases in the 1970's and leave more pile on my socks than on themselves, dishes piled up to the taps in the sink, etc, etc. But like I said, I am picky. And probably being kind of mean really. I don't say anything of course. I don't say much to Neil about it either because he takes offence at anything that sounds like a complaint about his family or the way they do things. I'm probably being snobby. But it never feels like it. It just feels like I don't want to touch stuff, especially in the bathroom, and I want to keep my shoes on all the time to save wet patches on my socks which, as anyone knows, feels horrid! And I miss my uncluttered home with space to move and clean surfaces and a gap between the contents of the room and the ceiling.

Small intermission there to take my sweater off (too hot) and put another load of laundry on! There's always loads of laundry after being away, even for a short time it seems! Plus I only have 2 days in which to wash our favourite things before we fly to France for the week. But mostly I just love laundry. It's one of my favourite household jobs. I have this thing about unpacking completely and starting the laundry when we come home from being away for a while. It drives Neil crazy when we've just come back from like a transatlantic flight and we're jet-lagged and had no sleep on the flight (overnight flight), and I refuse to take a nap first, insisting instead that I unpack WEEKS worth of clothes and other holiday items, sort it all into piles and put some laundry on! He finds it most irritating but I just can't function until I have made myself feel at home by getting some closure on the "being away" part, which I do best by making things clean and smelling like home again.

Anyway, where was I? Ohhh I think I was being kind of complainy about my in-laws. Hmmm I think I'll stop that. But it wasn't personal actually, it was just that I can't bear living in clutter and uncleanness. Also their house has LOADS of rooms, but because of how it's been arranged and also the clutter (!!), there is only one room that anyone can be in for the whole day. Unless you want to go to your bedroom, which I don't if it's full of furniture and shedding rugs! And the one room is the living room, which is full of sofas, and always has the TV on. I hate the TV on all the time, but again maybe that's how my parents did things. There were rules about the TV when I was growing up. It was only on if someone was in the room watching it. If you went out, you switched it off. You didn't do anything else while watching the TV - it was not to be a background noise/activity. We never ate in front of it because we ate every meal at the table and that was in a different room. This was relaxed by the time I was in my teens, because sometimes we got a take-away and watched comedy together as a family with fish and chips or pizza on our laps (not literally of course). These rules made times like that soooo much more of a treat, I really cherish my memories of those occasions. Plus we grew up with quietness in the background, either than or music, which I think is a lovely thing.

Anyway so yeah, another peeve for me, the TV on all the time. And if I actually got interested in what was on and started to watch it, that's when everybody would hold a long conversation, because I've noticed that in a household where the TV is always on, people get accustomed to talking over it all the time. VERY annoying!! And I couldn't snap, "SHHH!!! I'm TRYING to watch!!" like I would want to at home, because nice daughter in-law and all that. Instead I tried to pretend I was sooo into what I was watching that I couldn't hear anyone asking me questions. I don't mean totally ignore people, I just had to show that I was interested in watching this programme (since I could hardly miss it) and did not want to lose the plot to talk about popping down to Tesco's later. Is this really bad? I feel kind of guilty. But then I think it's right/normal to find this annoying at the same time.

I got mighty scared about food while I was there. Partly it's because everything is done differently from what I am used to (again), but mostly it's because food is such an issue for me anyway, what with being afraid of getting sick, etc. They have a lot of food store-bought or frozen, and my MIL is an avid bargain hunter, especially when it comes to food! She buys from the bargain bins, even meat, which scares me silly, and the fridge is so stuffed with food that something always falls out when you open it - now that CAN'T be allowing the food to be kept at the right temperature. I sometimes wonder if it was a bad thing that I had to take and pass a food hygiene certificate on my nursing course, because now I know how food should be stored, handled, and cooked, and I see very little of the safety rules at Neil's home! So I worry a lot. But they don't get ill (amazingly!) so I shouldn't worry. But I really did worry all the same.

I completely freaked out about the turkey which was thawing in a washing-up tub when we arrived on Monday, and on Tuesday when I went to brush my teeth, it was in the bath!!! Still in it's tub of course, but IN THE BATH!!! Okay, calm down Alice, I know this is actually probably normal and many people might put a turkey there to thaw. By Wednesday I was frantic about the darn thing, and constantly asking Neil if it was gonna be okay and if it was thawed yet, or if it might be going off. All those adverts I've been seeing on the TV about making sure you thaw/cook your turkey properly to avoid food poisoning did NOT help. I worked myself up into a state wondering how on earth I was going to bring myself to eat it when it was cooked. But, having been around for so long that it was named George (!!) by Neil's sister, it was found to be thoroughly thawed on Christmas eve and so was cooked and served that evening. It looked good and seemed well cooked, and everyone was eating it, so I joined in, and it was fine. Phew. But that night I woke with tummy cramps and nausea. It was just a bout of my normal "night" IBS, but I couldn't even think about that and freaked RIGHT out, shaking and sweating till Neil woke up and tried to reassure me. I was constantly waiting to hear someone else get up and run to the loo to confirm my fears. It was horrible. *sigh*

But it was just IBS, and as usual it subsided after an hour or so, and then I went back to sleep. I really want rid of this IBS now. Anyway, the next day there was turkey for breakfast, lunch and dinner - you know how it is! It was out all night and that worried me so I didn't want any. But there wasn't anything else except maybe some cheese, and I got so upset worrying that I would offend Neil's mum, and generally being really frightened about anything and everything and wanted to go home. Neil seemed frustrated with me, and that is always the hardest thing of all and it makes me so sad :( He very rarely gets frustrated with me. He said it was obvious that I was being properly tested after praying and starting to say no to fear, and that I should stand against it more instead of giving in. I knew he was right, I really did, but it felt like an insurmountable wall to relax and not feel frightened. Which of course it would if Satan was doing what I'd expected him to do. But hmmm, it was hard all the same.

To make matters worse (and confirm the above), Neil's brother was supposed to turn up on Christmas eve (the day of the turkey-trauma!) and he phoned to say he had a tummy bug and felt awful, but he would try to drive up the next day. WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to get in the car and drive my butt all the way home to London that instant, I kid you not. With or without my husband, I did not care at that moment! I know that tummy bugs are still perfectly catchable the day after all the symptoms - that's how I caught the last one I had. And I also knew that I was completely and utterly trapped at the house with no possible way to escape, even if he turned up feeling ill. I know I have been worse with this fear lately, because I went straight into avoidance-strategy planning like I used to at my worst. I could stay in my room. Say *I* felt ill and couldn't see anyone or come downstairs. But that all went to pieces when I remembered I could not stop Neil from having contact with his brother and then coming to make contact with me. I hate fear. It's so pants.

By Christmas Day, this and the food worries had me in a total state and even Neil was despairing of me. I didn't dare to show any of what I was feeling to Neil's family so I kept going to our room for a rest or something so I could work through my thoughts and feelings and generally panic and be a pest to Neil when he came to see if I was okay. In the end he told his mum that I had this fear and it wasn't like being afraid of something, it was quite controlling so it made things difficult for me like food. I don't know if she understood that though. He told her I was upset about offending her with the food thing, and she said not to worry about it at all. Also he told her I was up in the night with bad IBS so I would prefer to just eat what I felt like today (lovely husband!) which probably wouldn't be turkey. And while he was downstairs doing that, I sat and prayed that God would NOT allow Neil's brother to come up if there was any risk of him passing a bug on. And I told God that if he turned up, I would know it was because he didn't have anything to pass on, and I would trust God over that and not be afraid.

Then I felt LOADS better, so I went downstairs and had 3 parsnips, 4 roast potatoes, two cream crackers and some cheese! :)

I feel so silly and embarrassed when I write how I am about things like this. It all seems so ridiculous after I calm down. But I just can't see it that way when I feel so afraid.

Neil's brother phoned in the afternoon to say he wasn't up to driving so he was staying with Neil's sister and her husband who live 5 minutes from him. I'm glad he was with family on Christmas Day even if he felt ill. And SO glad that he didn't come up with a bug! Thank you Lord! Christmas went much better after that for me. We played games, Chinese Checkers, Monopoly (the Disney version) and Rummikub (the one with numbers), and it was really fun. We took our gamecube so that Neil's sister could play games with us and that was loads of fun.

I got some lovely presents! And it was so much fun to give them out too, and see other people's faces when they saw what we gave them. MIL gave us both money, and also gave us the same for our birthday presents (our birthdays fall in the next 2 months), and on the 23rd we went shopping at a little group of bargain shops! :) I spent ALL my money, even the birthday money, because I found loads of things I liked (all clothes). I got a GORGEOUS pair of pink pyjamas, soft and brushed, with penguins all over the trousers and three soft velour penguins appliqued to the chest. I also got a nightie in the same style, only pale blue and with sheep. Nightwear is my great weakness. Especially pyjamas. I have way too many for my drawer. I also got a PINK sweater with sparkles in it!!! Very girly. I put my faded jeans on last week and suddenly had a huge urge to wear a pink sweater with them, but I don't have anything pink so I couldn't. Now I do! :)

Then on Christmas Eve we took Neil's sister to the same shops to spend some Christmas money we gave her early (so that she could wear her presents on Christmas Day), and while she tried things on, I bought two really lovely hoodie tops. One is grey velour. I love velour, ever since I got converted to cloth nappies :) And the other is soft and blue and stripey, which I wasn't sure about, but they said it reeeeally suited me so I bought it and wore it on Christmas Day, and I love it! And all that used up all my gift money except for £2, so I'm pleased. Neil's mum was REALLY pleased!

Neil got me some PC games - Railroad Tycoon and Rollercoaster Tycoon with some extras, so um, that will keep me occupied again for some time on the PC! I love games like this so I am really happy with my presents! He got me some M&S gift vouchers, since I seem to have reached the age of appreciating M&S clothing, hehe! ;) And he got me Delta Goodrem's album, which I think is totally fab. I got him a gamecube game that he wanted, and some other stuff, and his sister got him a gamecube game too, so he is playing as I speak. It's worked out nicely that he has gamecube games while I have PC games, since we can play them at the same time. Not ideal for our quality time though! Heh.

Uhm, and I got other things, 3D noughts and crosses, a frame for putting several photos in, a scarf, socks, some aromatherapy bath stuff, oh oh oh and Neil's other sister (who wasn't there) and her hubby got us the complete Fawlty Towers collection on video!!!! Yay!!! I LOVE Fawlty Towers. I laugh till I cry. That's one of the treasured memories of eating take-away with my family and all of us practically choking on our food as we watch Fawlty Towers on TV. Ahhh lovely memory. So I love Fawlty Towers. I've seen all the episodes a million times but they never fail to crack me up.

Hmmm, there's probably TONS more, but I have beenw writing for nearly 2 hours (!!) and I am beginning to feel all news-purged now, so I think I'll stop. I may update again this weekend anyway, so I can write more then. If not, we'll be in France with my parents (YAAAAAAAAAY!!! I just cannot WAIT to see them!) from Monday evening and I can update from there if I have the time. I'm still not sure whether to stay longer than Neil or not. Monday to Friday seems way too short a time with my parents. I just know it will be over in a matter of seconds and then I'll feel so sad to be leaving. And it doesn't give us enough time to really spend time together and relax and stuff, before we have to pack to go home. So I really want to stay longer - and I can, that part is no problem. But I am torn because I can't bear to be apart from Neil for long - ahhh! :) No really, it's good isn't it? I really love him. I feel so amazingly special that he's MY husband and he chose me. I love him soooooo much. I want to be with him all the time, and it feels awful when I am without him. So I still don't know what to do about coming home. But I'll decide (I hope!) this weekend.

Anyway, hope everyone is okay and enjoying the holidays. I'll be back soon!

Recent entries.....

Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24
Update - 5th Anniversary and other stuff! - 2004-08-16
Church picnic and being happy and things :) - 2004-06-27
Barbeque at Cameron's house... - 2004-05-18
To Tara... - 2004-04-19