I'm feeling ....
More to follow....
It's Christmas Eve!! When I was little I would be practically fainting with excitement at this stage of Christmas! Ah to be little again.....
Well this entry can't be that long because it's already 9.55pm and I am trying to get sleep at the right times, plus I need to be over at my parents' house at 9ish tomorrow morning. More of the 'ish' I reckon for me! Last night was so frustrating, I was absolutely knackered when I got into bed (at 11pm, thinking "Weyhey, I'm actually keeping up this bedtime thing!"). But at 1am I still could not sleep and was more restless than when I went to bed, so I got up. But pfthth there was no point really so I lay down in bed and waited to sleep. And then Neil woke me at 7.30 to open this present he got me, but in the end I managed to convince him that I REALLY don't want to open anything before Christmas, so we are opening it with our other presents for each other when he gets home from Yorkshire on the 29th or 30th. Then I slept an hour and a half more a bit later on. So today I feel very sleepy! The reason I couldn't sleep last night is that my brain wouldn't switch off. It was just racing about with a zillion thoughts about - you guessed it! - having babies and stuff. Even though I love to think about these things, I was getting kind of annoyed that it wouldn't switch off and let me sleep, but I don't know how to make it stop whirling around my head at night at the moment. I am too caught up in it and excited. The only other time this happened to me was for three days and nights after Neil proposed to me, and I was a wreck! A happy wreck though.
We did go to the "social" last night and it was very good in the end. It always seems to be a good idea for me to go to these things, even when I don't feel like it at first. I always relax as the evening goes on, and I end up enjoying it and feeling closer to the people there than before, and, I don't know, just loving being part of a community. We had good food, and me and Neil brought waaaay too many French loaves, so lots of people got to take spares home! We played a charades game which was great fun in teams, and I neeeever get to do things like that so it was great. There were kids there and they were adorable (if noisy!) and Amy (the baby) surprisingly did not make me feel overwhelmed with broodiness. She is gorgeous but I am busy focusing on the idea of my own child now and for some reason I've started to notice that this is stopping me longing to hold other people's babies so much. Hmmm. It feels like a good thing though. Amy is still extremely cute!
Today I have finished wrapping presents and stuff. Neil came home at lunchtime (when work let him go at last!), and packed and then drove off to Yorkshire. I will miss him a lot, but it's weird, I am happy enough with my space as well. I am amazed how much I have come on since dreading being alone even for an evening when we were first married. I feel safe and secure in the house on my own, ever since the first time Neil went to Yorkshire when I was too ill to go with him. I got loads of people to pray for me because I was so scared, and in the end I prayed to God and asked him to be my company. And the most amazing peace came over me, and it was like..... I don't know, I KNEW I was never alone. I never am, because God is always with me, but it was such a major thing for me at the time. When I ate dinner I felt like I had somebody round to eat with me, it was that tangible. And I had someone to talk to in bed who was right there with me. It was great. So I always know God is with me, even when I need him most and feel the most alone. God is so good.
I didn't do too much today. Oh wait, I did laundry. Lots of laundry. And I made a pre-conception journal!!!!! Soooo excited!!! I decided to keep track of those dietary changees and vitamin supplements and stuff like that, so I could discipline myself more effectively to keep it up every day. So I thought I'd dig out a tiny notebook that I haven't used yet (got loooads of them from over the years) and keep note in that. THEN I got to thinking I could record how much exercise I do as well, and the more I thought about it, the more ideas I had. So then I needed to search for a bigger notebook, and when I did, I found THE most perfect book in the world!!!! I forgot I had bought it even. When I was ill with M.E, I used to occasionally shop online for little things to cheer me up. One of those times I found a largeish ringbound "Bang on the Door" journal with a fluffy purple cover. On the front is a picture of a girl in mid joyous leap, and underneath the picture is the word "yippee" in huge letters. That's it. Every page is lined and has a little image of the girl and "yippee" in the bottom corner. I LOVE IT!!! It is soooo perfect, because I really am a girl leaping joyously and filled with yippeeness (?!) about getting pregnant! So it's perfect for a pre-conception journal. These little things really light me up.
Anyway, I worked on it for hooours and I have a page for each day, with checkboxes for my supplements, and I have to put how much water I had, and how many servings of the five major food groups. That way I can keep track of how my nutrition is and alter it if necessary. I also have a space for exercise, and another for activities. There is sleep, mood, physical stuff, periods, IBS stuff, any medication I took, and various checks for ovulation like temperature, which I am starting to take every morning now. I have always loved making lists and keeping charts and stuff so this is right up my street and I'm loving it. I think it has to be a good thing anyway, because whatever happens it will mean I am getting a lot healthier in my lifestyle, and more in touch with what's going on with my body. I counted the pages to see how long the journal would last me, and it's so uncanny - given a page per day the journal runs out on August 18th 2003 (it's got lots of pages!), and if we manage to conceive at the end of July as we are thinking (and as my cycle indicates), then August 18th should be the time we would find out if I had successfully conceived or not, give or take two or three days maybe. How weird! So, anyway like I said, these little things thrill me!
Well what else, surely I've got something else to talk about other than conception?!! Umm.... thinking.... I'm not sure actually. I am doing okay. I will be over at my grandparents' for Christmas Day and Boxing Day but I said that last entry. I am really weepy today. I don't really know why. Not sad-weepy or anything, just I keep on welling up at the slightest thing. It was kind of like this yesterday but it's much worse today. I made myself dinner and felt like watching TV over it, so I switched on to find the last few minutes of "Free Willy". It only took about 30 seconds before I couldn't swallow my food for the lump in my throat and the tears were flowing! I know, "Free Willy" is a real tearjerker, especially at the end. But then later on I watched choir boys singing Christmas carols while I worked on my pre-conception journal, and that made me teary. And then Neil phoned me from home to say he'd arrived safely, and I told him about choking up with "Free Willy" and just telling him about it made me tearful again. Soooo weird. I had a sandwich meal this evening and put a movie on (I am feeling very curl-up-on-the-sofa-and-watch-movies-ish today) - I watched "The Santa Clause" which I love. It made me cry, even the happy bits, even the non-descript bits. It made me not be able to swallow my food again. I never get like this so..... Neil thinks it's hormonal but I am not due my period. Hmmm.
Wellllll..... I ate all my servings from all my food groups today! Isn't this just thrilling for those of you who aren't me?!! Mmm-hmm. Okay I am going to take a bath now and go to bed, and HOPE to sleep quickly. I am having lavender bubble bath which will hopefully help.
I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas tomorrow!!! Hope you are all well enough and able to enjoy it and be blessed and happy. Thank you to Laura-Ann for your message, and to everyone who has wished me a happy Christmas. Love you all loads. I will be back to hopefully write another entry on Boxing Day. Happy Holidays folks.....
Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24