I'm feeling ....
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More to follow....
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2004-01-04 - 7.23pm previous entry next entry Hello. Happy New Year and all that! Sorry I haven't updated in soooo long, even though I meant to update before New Year from France. We are back from France now and we had a nice time staying with my mummy and daddy, and it was nice with my brother and Sarah there too. It was hard without Percy there, but not as difficult as I had thought it would be. What WAS hard was seeing Paddy still searching for him, and looking so unhappy and lonely in the evenings :( My poor baby. I couldn't make it right for him and he couldn't understand me when I explained. He just kept begging me with his eyes, and then he'd start off and want me to follow him, but he didn't know where we were going. He didn't know what he was asking me for. He just kept starting and stopping and starting and stopping and swishing his little tail, and then eventually just looking thoroughly miserable and doing this sad little miaow as if to tell me so. He didn't purr much while we were there, and he only smiled once. For non-cat people who might not know, cats do smile. You can actually see the corners of their mouths turn right up towards their ears when they are relaxed and happy. Percy's smiles used to be really really obvious. Paddy had such a straight mouth the whole time we were there, and just the way he sat and stared without really looking at any of us showed he was unhappy. The only time he smiled was one evening when I was sitting in front of the open fire on the sofa, and he came up and sat on my lap and I cuddled him till he dozed off. Then he was all smiley and Mummy said how nice it was to see him looking happy. Poor baby. Mummy cried quite a bit while we were there. She is still finding it hard that Percy is gone. Daddy hasn't played the piano for weeks. I didn't hear piano the whole time we were there, and that's never happened before, not for that length of time when there's been a piano and my daddy in the house together! Yesterday I phoned Mummy and she said Daddy was standing outside by Percy's grave, and then he suddenly came in and sat and the piano, and started writing a new tune. So maybe things are just starting to heal a bit for them now? It's hard when a much-loved member of the family dies. Our flights were good. We only had a bit of turbulence on the way out, and we had a fantastic flight home on Friday. The sky was clear over England and it was nearly 10pm so we had the most beautiful views of all the twinkly lights that made up cities and towns and villages. Approaching England across the Channel, you could make out the exact shape of the south coast all the way along, plus the Isle of Wight, because of the lights making it stand out so clearly from the black waters. Our trains and tubes home from the airport were smooth and there were no delays, and we got home at about 12.45am, so that's not too bad really. We were soooo tired though. I'm really glad the flight times are changing permanently by the time we fly again, because we'll get back much earlier in the evening from now on. I booked those flights to France for Mummy's birthday, while we were in France. Her birthday is January 16th, so I fly out again in 12 days!!!! Wow. That seems crazy! I am staying from Friday (her birthday) to Monday. I'm hoping to fit all my packing into a SMALL backpack, so that I can take it on as hand luggage and avoid the long waits for the baggage arrivals at the airports. Plus it will mean less to carry on the journey to the airport on all those London trains and tubes. I'm so glad I had the idea to surprise my mummy on her birthday like this, because she was sad to see us go on Friday. She said it was more bearable because she knew we'd be back in February, and that is soonish. As we parted at the airport, I said, "I'll be back before you know it!" and she nodded and agreed, having nooooo idea!! Hehe! I looked at my daddy and he winked at me :) I love giving nice surprises. Well let's see, what else? Much of my time in France was spent riding the emotional rollercoaster that is Trying To Conceive, as my period was due while we were there, and I had been having unusual symptoms that made me all hopeful. It has been especially emotional for me this last cycle, because it was the end of the year that we had planned to get pregnant. And maybe because I was with family as well. But mostly because I wanted it SOOOOO badly. Anyway, for all the above reasons, I updated my pre-pregnancy diary a LOT while we were there, but I was completely unmotivated to write anything in this diary, since getting pregnant was all I could think about. So catch up there if you are interested, or if you don't normally read there when I update. But to save you the time, I got my period yesterday, and am currently recovering (physically!). I am really tired with it, and it has had me awake in the night and v. painful, etc. But all that should be past by tomorrow. I am having a really hard time today with things. I guess it is to do with not being pregnant. I don't know really. I just feel really really down and unmotivated, much more so than if I ever get that way normally, like when I have hormones, etc. Neil went to church today and I didn't. Mostly because I couldn't wake up till after noon, but if I had woken earlier I wouldn't have gone to church. I had already decided I wasn't going. This evening Neil has gone out to Gordon's birthday party (our housegroup leader who has the 13-weeks-pregnant wife). I told Neil before he went out that I had no intention of going back to church or housegroup until I felt easier with Gordon and Katie expecting a baby. I want to avoid seeing them till it doesn't hurt so much. Which of course might be never, so that's stupid. But oh well. It's how I feel. It's not that I'll sit there in church loathing them or anything. I just can't bear how sad I will feel to be around them. No, strike sad, that's not the right word. Gutted, perhaps? Anyway, whatever the word, it's a feeling that seems unbearable to me at the moment, and I have every intention of avoiding it at all costs, even if I go to stupid lengths to do so. I obviously need to get a grip and sort this one out, but right now I'm not. Maybe I will tomorrow. Or another day. But not today. It's 2004 and I am physically empty of baby. I feel so empty, I'm just aware of it all day long and any time I'm awake in the night. Last month it wasn't like this because it was still within the year we had hoped and planned to start a baby growing inside of me. But now that time has elapsed and we failed, we lost the thing we hoped for, because it never came to be. So now I start another year, which is a good, hopeful thing, but acutely aware of the emptiness of last year, because it echoes and never shuts up. I don't know how much of this is purely difficulties over not getting pregnant (now eight months and counting), or how much of it is continuing to come to terms with all the other major losses of last year. This is just one of them I suppose. I feel like I don't know what to do with my life this year. I have no purpose at all, no sense of direction, no desire to make anything of my days. By now I should be getting ready for my baby to be born, and everything about me should be absolutely shouting new life and new beginnings, and activity to be taken to get ready. I had not planned for emptiness and blank pages of days with no plan or purpose. I feel like I am on hold because there's nothing else to do until I have my baby. I don't want to start a career, or study. I have those things in mind as a backup for later, once our children are grown. But I don't want to start something now, only to have to leave it unfinished (yet AGAIN) because I am pregnant and about to have a baby. It depresses me to think of doing something I'm not interested in just to pass the days, like a boring part-time job, or even voluntary work. Voluntary work interests me a lot, but I can't do it now, because of Cameron. It would hurt too much. So what do I do? So far this year, I have played Railroad Tycoon for many hours, watched some stuff on TV, and wandered around aimlessly online. My email isn't working so I can't see or send any email, I don't know why. Maybe it's just a glitch today? I hope so. I just can't shake off how I'm feeling. Neil goes back to work tomorrow. Christmas and New Year are over. I am so glad about that - they are becoming just big stressy times to me these days. I am very glad to see the back of 2003. I am glad all the travelling and visiting is over. But normality sets in tomorrow, and I don't have anything to tie me down to a routine or anything normal. Last year I felt like I sort of did, I don't know how or in what way, but at least it felt like I was always working towards a goal. Now I feel like the goalpost disappeared and I realise I have absolutely nothing else left to do or focus on. I know we are still trying for a baby, but I feel the pain of last year too raw still. I feel like we'll probably never get pregnant. I feel like, yeah yeah, we'll keep trying, but we'll probably be just like this a year from now, and what else am I going to do between now and then, what else have I to live for or focus on? I know the answer is LOADS of things, but I can't see or feel those at the moment. Life suddenly feels bleak to me and I don't know why or where that came from. Maybe I'll feel different tomorrow. But I no longer know what I'm going to do with tomorrow, or the next day, or frankly what the point is. What's the point in just passing time? Neil won't talk to me about sad things. I wanted to tell him about Julianna (who is 3 years old and has leukaemia) having relapsed today, but he wouldn't let me. He said there have been enough sad things and he didn't want to talk about any more sad things. I get to thinking crazy things like, when (not really "if" anymore) something appauling like that happens to us, like we have a 3-year-old like Julianna who is dangerously ill, is he still going to be all shove-the-emotions-away-ish and am I going to have to hold the two of us up and be the strong one, or is he going to get over this method of dealing with things and be a support to me so that I don't have to always be the strong one? I feel like (besides that being really selfish) I shouldn't think that way, but I can't help thinking that if it can happen to Cameron, it can happen to anyone. Even our own children. Even us ourselves. Please visit Julianna's site and pray for her. She is the most precious little girl. So that is all I have to say really. Except I've been writing this diary for three years in a couple of days, which is pretty impressive, right? :) |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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