I'm feeling ....
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2003-12-13 - 10.28pm previous entry next entry Sorry to keep you waiting on Percy-news, I didn't have any time until now to write. Thanks SO much to Heather, Nicola and Poppy for your guestbook entries, and Meg for the lovely real live letter/card!! :) And to everyone who has been praying for Percy too. He's still alive!!! Yay! But hmmm, it's not all good yet. I've been phoning Mummy all the time to see how he's doing. I couldn't stop thinking about him, so I had to keep checking. They took him to the vet yesterday, and he had lost another 100g of weight which is very bad, since he is almost just skin and bones now :( We were all sure he would be put to sleep, but when the vet examined him, he said he could feel his kidneys!!!! Daddy says that when they went on Wednesday the vet couldn't feel them, and he said that they were..... well, I don't want to write either the english or the french word, but in english it rhymes with clucked (!!). If you see what I mean?! Anyway the vet said that in human terms Percy's only hope would be a kidney transplant. So a) I love LOVE my God for answering our prayers and making a miracle! and b) I love cortico-steriods :) They also did blood tests and the vet said every single reading was "impecable", and his eyes are still not a great colour but they are better than Wednesday. His gums were pale but now they're pink, and his fur is still glossy. I am soooooooooo (billions more 'o's) relieved, I cannot tell you!! But my parents did stress that Percy is still really really ill. He finished his antibiotic injections last night and hadn't been sick for 2 days, but today I phoned and he's been sick 3 times already :( :( :( So I don't know what will happen now. The vet is away till Tuesday. Percy won't eat because he throws up a lot and it bothers him, poor little love. So that is bad news. We don't understand why he's being sick though, because there is no trace of the original infection in his system now, and no sign of organ failure (according to the blood tests). So it's weird. But I don't know if he will survive the next vet appointment (on Tuesday) if he hasn't improved by then. So hmmm. I don't know what to think. But I still feel terribly relieved for now. I knew he was still gravely ill yesterday but I couldn't help being smiley and happy all evening anyway, and singing my heart out! I was just so happy that he was alive. Granny and Grandoug came round for dinner last night which was nice. They saw all my nappies and fabrics and baby clothes, and it was such fun to finally involve them. They were really nice about everything too, and we felt no pressure at all. I made a rice pudding for dessert but it kind of went a bit solid (!!). That was the only disaster with dinner though, so not bad! :) Today I have been to Cameron's house again, to help at his little brother's 4th birthday party. About 15 kids turned up and we had a magician and played pass the parcel (twice) and musical statues as well. It was good, but soooooo tiring! I held Nathan for ages as well, which my arms are complaining about since he's getting bigger now, and I had to round up kids with one arm and hold him squirming and filling his nappy with the other! Love it though. Can't wait till it's my own kids I'm herding/holding. Nathan reminds me of Cameron so much, more than last time I saw him. He is mastering a lot more expressions now, and so many of them remind me of Cameron when he was very little, when he used to be absorbed in something or when I used to watch him sleep. Once or twice I found myself suddenly un-surrounded by children (they blow in and out like the wind!) and it was just me holding Nathan, and I took some time to watch his face making those expressions and told him how much he reminds me of Cameron. Every adult there was saying how much he looks like his daddy (who isn't Cam's biological father), but I keep seeing Cameron in his little face, although I do see the resemblence to his daddy too. I missed Cameron today. He should have been there giggling at the children's funny reactions to the magician's tricks, and generally being all grown-up making the kids sit in a circle and helping me and his mum with pass-the-parcel. His absence was sorely felt for me, and it must have been a really hard day for his mum. Michael was such a sweetie opening his presents, which reminded me sooooo much of Cameron again. Cameron was always so genuinely delighted with any present, no matter what it was, even when he was very young. Impatience to open the next one never got the better of him. I remember on his 3rd birthday I was at his house with his family, and I gave him clothes, because his mum was so short of money in those days that I would always ask what he needed at birthdays and Christmas, and she would always say clothes. So he always got clothes. I got him jogging bottoms and t-shirts, that kind of thing - useful stuff, but not very interesting for a little boy to open up on his birthday! But he always ripped the paper off and there would be this gasp of excitement, and he'd go, "Ohhh look, CLOTHES!!" Hehe, bless him!! It was always so sweet. He always held each item up and thanked me for it, and described the picture if there was one on the t-shirt. He always got up and gave me a thank you cuddle before opening the next thing. Man I love him so much, more squeezily when I remember things like this. Anyway, Michael opening his presents brought that all back, because he was soooo sweet. He ripped paper off and then there was a gasp of great excitement just like Cameron used to do at his age, and he said, "That's JUST what I've allllways wanted!!!" with great feeling and passion! I thought, awww how sweet! But then he opened the next one, and guess what? It was JUST what he'd allllways wanted! Hehehe! It was quite funny! Sometimes he varied it, like, "Oooooh a Bob the Builder phone! I've alllllways wanted a Bob the Builder phone!" It's such a grown-up thing to say which is why it sounds so sweet coming from a 4 year old who had never conceived of such a thing as a Bob the Builder phone till the paper fell off it 2 seconds before. He's so sweet. I notice I am beginning to find myself increasingly fond of Michael these days, when I used to only focus on Cameron with enormous adoration (!!) and Michael was just a child in the background to me most of the time, if Cameron was there. Now I'm beginning to focus more on Michael because Cameron isn't there, and he really is a sweetie. A BIG handful, but a sweetie. But he still isn't anything to Cameron, in my eyes. Cameron was just toooo special. His parents gave me a lovely box of special chocolates for helping, and sort of for Christmas as well. And a Christmas card, which is heartbreaking to read, simply because it says, "To Alice and Neil, (card message) Lots of love from Sharon, Geoff, Michael and Nathan" That's really what I've been dreading about Christmas cards this year. I still haven't written them one because I can't bear to write to the family without Cameron's name in it. It's just as bad receiving a card from the family without Cameron in it though. I did steal a peek at some of the Christmas cards in their house though, just to see how people were addressing them. They mostly just wrote the four names without Cam's, though one or two were addressed to the whole family without naming any names. That's the easy way round. I think you have to just say it like it is, because it doesn't help anyone to dodge the issue or tread on eggshells. Cameron isn't there anymore so you have to just write all their names as you normally would, but leaving Cameron out. I am not worried about what the right thing is to do. I am struggling with how hard it is to write to them without acknowledging Cameron, which I haven't been able to do yet. It literally comes down to putting the pen in my hand and making myself write their names without Cameron's, which doesn't sound very hard, but believe me I am having such a huge issue with it. So far they haven't got a Christmas card from me as a result. But I am going to give them one, I really will. I'll get there soon. I think I will need to write something relating to Cameron in my message, because then his name will be in there somewhere. I can't bear to just blot him out of the family in things like this. I will think about it. When I got home I was soooo tired out that I went to bed and slept for 4 hours!!!!! Hehe! I dreamt vividly of Sharon and Cameron from the moment I dropped off it seemed. Most of it seemed to involve being in their street and everything starting to become unfamiliar so I didn't know where I was going, and wanting to hug Sharon and hold her hand all the time, and never let go. Weird. We were always looking for Cameron but we never found him because the passages kept getting too narrow to go any further, or else doors kept being too far in corners to open up enough to let us through, etc. And that's about it I think. I'm sure there were other little details I wanted to write about, but I can't think of them right now so that's it for now. I hope I won't have bad news of Percy, and that he'll get better. |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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