I'm feeling ....
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More to follow....
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2003-10-11 - 7.59pm previous entry next entry I missed a day again and now I'm not sure what to write. Thanks so much to Kat and Meg for your guestbook entries :) I cancelled on Judith again, and she wants to know if I am being on my own too much. She is being a really good friend. We talked on the phone and she thinks I should definitely take my time to deal with how I'm feeling at the moment, but also be careful not to spend too much time on my own. So she is coming round in the week to check something on our computer, and she asked me if I would like to do a Pilates class with her on Friday mornings! I would really like that so I said yes, and now I have something to look forward to which feels nice and happy and normal. Plus Pilates will be good for me. I am getting less fit again, and I need to pull myself together (again). Plus it's always way more fun to get fit (or toned in this case!) with someone else than on your own. So I'm really looking forward to Friday. I got my second-hand Sims games in the post for the new PC - allll of the Sims games, that is! So needless to say I have been playing The Sims for two days solid. Pretty much. It's totally sad of me, but it does make the days pass without hurting, which I know is not the healthiest approach but it helps a bit at the moment. Yesterday I tried not to think about Cameron, and today I only mentioned him once to Neil, so that is an improvement. If I were not so distracted by a game then I would be thinking of him and talking about him ALL the time like before, and I've been doing that since he died which is now 2 and a half weeks, so I surely need to start thinking and talking about other things now? So I don't know... I am trying not to dwell too much on him. It makes me sad to push him out of my mind but it makes me sad if he's there too, and I'm aware that to people around me I am being extremely Cameron-focused without any breaks, which is starting to make me worry that they are getting tired of hearing it and want me to get a life. Which probably isn't true but it's just an inner worry. He is on my mind more today, probably because I have been wanting to take some breaks from playing the Sims all the time so I've had more time with my brain intact! I went to the supermarket today and did a huge food-shop. We were out of everything so it was necessary. And I'm glad I got out and did it. Neil had a migraine on Thursday evening. He came home with a headache but insisted on going to his lectures (why do wives see these things coming but husbands insist they'll be okay?) and when he came back he looked really really pale and ill and was in soooo much pain. He went to bed for the whole evening and he was all pukey with a bowl and everything :( Poor Neil. And I was my usual quakey self because it scares me silly when people get sick. I tried to be all grown-up and calm but honestly it didn't work and I just stayed in the furthest part of the house from Neil (not very far in our little house!) with my heart banging and my fingers in my ears. *sigh* I really need to get over this. Not least for when I have children. Um I can't think of what else I'm meant to be writing. I owe a million people emails, I'm really sorry. Some are really important to me to reply to, but I am just not getting in gear over emails at the moment. I mean to but I just never get there. So Ainsley, Emily and Meg (and there ARE more of you so please don't worry that I didn't name you!), please forgive me and I will get back to you asap. When you say asap it sort of means imminently because it's "as soon as possible" but in this case I literally mean "as soon as possible". Which might not be straight away. Urgh sorry. But I really will reply. Tomorrow is church, which for some crazy reason I thought was today since I was convinced it was Sunday today! But anyway it's tomorrow, and I have to go because I need to get the book to prepare for next Sunday's youth group. Right now I don't want to go to church or lead youth group (ever again) or anything. There is also a Freedom in Christ thingy before church tomorrow which I would normally be expected to attend, but Sue was so sweet and said if I felt up to it I could go, and not to worry if I didn't turn up. So I think I won't turn up. I just don't want to do anything. I don't want to see people. I don't mind going there and singing praise to God and learning about him. I love that part. I just don't want to socialise in any way. I don't want to see people, to have to smile and talk and basically wear a big huge mask because I don't want the effort involved with doing so. I would just much rather stay at home. But I'm sort of glad I have to go to get the book, because I think I need to be with people even though I don't want to. Alpha last week was a nightmare with all the people and putting the front on, and you know when people ask, "How are you doing?" and you just lost one of the great loves of your life because they died and you weren't ready to lose them, and everything feels completely numb or pointless and you wish you weren't there or anywhere else for that matter, but you say, "Fine thanks, yeah. How are you?" That sounds like it's fairly easy, but actually it takes such a huge amount of emotional energy that it puts me off talking to anyone ever again. And the alternative is saying, "A little boy I love died and I'm not coping too well" which I HAVE said to some people, but strangely that is harder still so I don't want to see people to be faced with having to say that either. Urgh. Anyway so for that reason I didn't go to Alpha this week. I will go on Tuesday though because I shouldn't really be missing them. I'm meant to be a "helper" in a group, so.... I just want to opt out of everything I have any involvement in at the moment and hide till things feel less horrible. Is that so bad? I don't think it is. But to arrange that means to tell people about Cameron, and to do that means a) pain, and b) embarrassment. I feel embarrassed that I am creating such a big deal about him when he's not mine, not even family. Of course you know he is more than that to me, and mine completely as far as my heart is concerned. But nobody else knows that or will understand it. So it's best unsaid. I think? Today someone online seemed to understand and suggested that I contact CRUSE bereavement thingumy. That really stunned me, the very idea. I don't know why. I never thought of doing anything like that because again, I feel like I haven't got the "right" to that depth of grief. I know that's a really stupid thing to say but it's still how I feel. I've got no idea where to put my feelings since the bond between Cameron and I was never known to anyone but us, and a couple of my closest friends. Other friends and family knew we were close and that I loved him, but I don't think they realised how much. If Cam was really mine, in a way that was obvious to the world, then it would be easier to talk to people wouldn't it?? Or at least I wouldn't have to ask to opt out of things. People would assume it on my behalf. Why does this have to be hard? I feel stuck in a place I have no ownership of, but all the feelings. Urgh, anyway, other news. My parents are in England!!!!! Yaaaaay! They have been busy though, and they've only been here a few days. They hired a van and went to auctions and shops for furniture for their house in France. They have bought lots of stuff. And also they have visited my grandparents, stayed two nights with them, and then driven "oop naarth" (up north for those of you who don't speak northernenglishaccent!!)to stay a night with my auntie. Today they drove back down to London and tomorrow they are clearing out the loft in my childhood home (a HUGE job since it hasn't had a single clearout since we moved there in 1981!!!). They came over tonight to borrow our ladder for the job, and they only stayed a few minutes but it was SOOOOO wonderful to see them!!! Especially my mummy! I have missed my mummy like I can't describe. It was so good to hug her, I did not want to let go. I haven't seen her since May, and before that March, and before that it was any time I wanted since she lived a few roads away from us. Neil is doing a lot better today, though he was off work yesterday and still very pale and shaky. Poor love. Today he has worked on the front door a lot, and seems to be well. My parents are coming round in the week for dinner!! I can't wait to see them again already! And I'm gonna cook for them. I'm pleased about that too. We have never had them round for dinner before, can you believe it?!!! We've been married FOUR YEARS!!!! But the first three months we lived with them, and then I was ill for the next two years, and then we were in a new house with stuff everywhere and decorating half-done, and then after that they were in France every other week with their new house being renovated, and THEN they moved, and that's that. Except Mummy came to stay with us for a couple of nights after Grandmummy's funeral in March, and we cooked for her then. But Daddy was in France. And then Daddy came over to stay in June and we cooked for him then, but Mummy was in France. So yay, we finally get to have them round for a meal TOGETHER!!! I can't wait. They are also coming round tomorrow evening to drop the ladder back here. They were meant to have it for all of Monday too, and I was going to help them clear the loft that day, but then we remembered we are having our shower re-wired on Monday :( So that means I have to be home all day while the bloke fixes it all, and also we need our ladder for him to get in our loft. So that's a shame. But oh well, it can't be helped. Plus we get to use our shower at LAST!!! I love baths but I'm excited about our shower! I had something else but I can't remember. Oh well. I think I will stop now. This entry is pretty long. And my entries have been epic lately! I have just needed to write down all of my feelings that's all, and there have been a LOT of them. Well no doubt I'll write again soon :) |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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