I'm feeling ....
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More to follow....
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2003-10-24 - 11.30am previous entry next entry Entry number two today. Don't read too much into it, I've just got to unload. I just got back from the doctor's - well, from seeing the nurse-practitioner. She was really nice and it was surprisingly easy to talk to her about parsnips. But she said (very apologetically) that I need to see a doctor about it. So she booked me in with my favourite doctor for 4.10 this afternoon, which I'm pleased about, although not too thrilled about having to have an internal examination. And at least it's today. And she also made me go and pee in one of those test tubey things that completely defies the likelihood of getting any pee in the tube, since it's so narrow and they don't give you a funnel or anything. But I managed okay. It was completely normal and clear of any problems which is nice to know. And now I am home again and crying. I started as soon as I walked out of the doctor's surgery, I don't know why. My eyeballs just did their own thing. I did drive safely though, and waited till I was home to let go a bit. I feel unbearably lonely. I feel like everyone is far away from me, everyone I love, and I don't have anyone to talk to when I really need to. Neil is too stressed and drained and he has enough on his plate. Besides I feel prickly around him at the moment, I just want him to leave me alone all the time. I wouldn't want to worry my parents, and anyway they are far away. That would make it worse. I actually don't feel I want to talk to close family anyway. Better if it's someone who is a close friend but also somehow detached. Judith and Sue are the only ones I think I would turn to if I got desperate, which I do feel at the moment, but Judith has a friend staying with her till Thursday and last night on the phone she said we'd meet up and pray after that. That feels like forever away. But I didn't tell her how I felt so she wasn't being insensitive. And Sue left for a weekend away today. Cameron has been gone a month today - I realised it lying in bed trying to sleep at about 3am. It was weird to think, a month ago he was still alive, but not really alive if you think about it, because he was being kept alive on a machine and he died a couple of hours after. I feel like I'm going to rip in two with how much I miss him, with all my feelings. Crying hurts the worst of any of it. It makes me press at my breastbone with my knuckles, because that's where it aches, like something way too heavy is sitting on it and physically crushing my ribs. I say "Ow" a lot when I cry. It really hurts. Breathing hurts. I have his funeral order of service in front of me, and his photo, but with the cover over it because looking at him hurts. Looking at the funeral thing, I feel right back in the "I can't believe it" stage. I can't believe this has happened. I can't believe this is happening. I can't believe life is unfolding this way. It's too weird, and too surreal. I wish that dream was true. I keep thinking of it. It was so real that I feel like I've been round to his house to see him yesterday or something, it's the same feeling as when I really HAD, in the past. But at the same time, I knew it wasn't real. It's so monumentally unfair that he is gone. When I was crying and hurting, I instinctively talked to Cameron to tell him how much I miss him and love him and how much it hurts that he's gone. But I remembered God, and started to talk to him instead after a while. I read on one of the Christian bereavement sites yesterday that God weeps with us when we mourn the loss of a loved one. I know he does, I believe that. But suddenly I thought differently and I told God about it. I said how could he really be crying with me? Jesus cried at the grave of Lazarus, his friend, but Jesus was on earth, and Lazarus was gone from the earth. God has Cameron with him so why is he crying? He hasn't lost anything. God gets to always be with us, whether we're here or in heaven. Where is the loss in that? I know Jesus knows how I feel, which is comforting. But although I feel stupid for this thought, I suddenly feel like it's so unfair. God gets Cameron and I don't. How selfish. That picture down there on the right hand side at the bottom is doing my head in. It makes me feel jealous even. How messed up is that? When Cameron died that picture was a comfort, but now it hurts. This is so hard. Today is a hard hard day for some reason, I don't know what. Ever since I left the house for the doctor's this morning I have wanted to be at the cemetery. But I only went yesterday. And the empty loneliness will be worse there for sure. And even if it's better somehow, that makes it harder because how will I come home and leave the cemetery if it's like that? I am glad to be crying because I have felt stuck and unable to this week, and like I needed to all the same. So I'm glad of that. It doesn't feel any easier but that website said we need to weep out our pain, sort of like draining it out. So maybe it will help in the long run. I don't know what I'm about today. I don't know why I keep wanting to write here. I just feel desperate for comfort and contact in some way, but I have none, so this is the nearest thing because I know people read it. Not that I'm writing it for anyone else at the moment, but just because I need to. But there's comfort in knowing that I'm not just speaking my feelings into thin air. Thank you Nicola for your email. I needed it like you couldn't have known when I came home today and switched the computer on. Love you. xx |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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