I'm feeling ....
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More to follow....
Unofficial Christian Diaryland Webring!
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2003-12-04 - 12.51pm previous entry next entry Back, but just briefly because I don't have much time to write. I just wanted to update slightly before I go to Cameron's school for the presentation of his commemorative bench by his class. I still can't believe I've been invited to that, with just his mum and his uncle. I feel wonderful for being included. They must know I love him. I hope the whole world does by now. I don't know how this afternoon is going to be. Feeling kind of odd about it, to be honest, but I can't explain how. Today I have stayed in bed till noon, just lying there thinking. Not even sure what about. But I wanted to write some general updatey stuff because after I've been to Cam's school, all that stuff will probably feel kind of trivial and I won't want to write about it. Maybe. So here it is. Period is due today - how marvellous. I know it's coming, I feel rotten and crampy and basically like someone extracted the hormones of a raging bull-ess and injected them into my blood stream. But never mind. It will be better when my period gets here I hope. My hormonal symptoms are worse this cycle than ever. I should go back on those supplements, but I'm a bit hesitant because of how this is the worst cycle ever AFTER I started taking them! Maybe it was always going to be, but I happened to start taking them before they could have an effect on this cycle? Hmmm. Anyway, yesterday I felt like I wanted to pull my own skin off. I swore a lot, felt horrible about myself for it, threw things when I couldn't sort them out (like items of sewing that didn't work like I wanted them to), and generally got reduced to tears by how frustrated and irritable I felt all day. Pththth. We had therapy in the evening, and Cheryl asked how our week had been. Neil replied, "Well I've got one word for you - PMT!" Bah. I feel horrible. Cheryl asked me why I felt so bad about myself for being hormonal and irritable. She said I shouldn't, because I can't help how I feel when I have chemicals making me feel that way. Which is true I suppose. Anyway therapy went well. We laughed a lot actually, but I can't tell you why here ;) It was a really nice session, and I feel doubly glad because I know Cheryl was happy and cheerful in it too. How she feels matters to me a lot. We made her laugh a lot :) Our therapy sessions feel more like an appointment with a friend now, it's so nice. What else? I didn't do the prayer and fasting yesterday :( Which I feel soooo bad for, because I put my name down for it and everything. Urgh. I just.... didn't do it. I felt so far from God and so irritable, and like I simply could not sit still or think of any one thing for more than a few seconds ALL day long. I just had to keep moving and doing different things, otherwise stuff made me want to hit and throw and be highly grumpy. But I feel rotten that I didn't pray, especially when I made a commitment to. It's probably hormones, but I am noticing that I'm having a "boo sucks to Alice" time over these last few days. Come on period. I'd much rather be pregnant, but I hate waiting for periods when I know they're coming. I know this one is because I feel like it is, and also I had a negative pregnancy test. Which sucks. Again. When will I EVER get pregnant? My house is a mess. I am totally too lazy to do anything about it. I just sit in it all angry at the mess, and angry at myself for it being so messy. And still don't do squat about it. I desperately need to get a life really really soon. But I am more lacking in general oomph than ever at the moment, which makes getting a life difficult. I am still sleeping till late morning and falling asleep around 2 or 3am, which doesn't help either. But mainly I just can't be bothered to do anything other than sit in a chair and wander aimlessly around the internet. Even when I have emails aplenty to answer or people to contact, and I'm bored surfing for nothing in particular, I STILL carry on surfing and don't do the replying to emails, etc. Why? That doesn't make any sense. Same with the real world. I stay indoors, even when I know it's bad for me and I need to go out and see people - even when they offer to meet up and I know I should be grabbing it with both hands. I still stay in and make an excuse not to meet up. Now d'you see why I am so "boo sucks to Alice" at the moment? I am being annoying and rather pathetic, that's why. Tomorrow we are going to the pantomime with G&G and my brother and Sarah. I need to figure out when Neil should leave work and how long it will take to get there, and what route we should drive. But I can't be bothered. I'd rather put a movie marathon on and watch TV till my eyes fall out. I shame myself because I remember having no choice about staying in bed or seeing people or anything, when I was ill. And now I'm well, and CHOOSING to lie around doing nothing. Which is shameful. But then again, maybe I'm being too hard on myself? Maybe I am just getting the mother of all periods, and then I'll bounce back to my normal self? Maybe it's actually okay to stay in and not get dressed and watch TV and generally take it very easy, when I'm building up for the mother of all periods? I do hope it will be here soon. Yesterday and today I have felt pretty faint, which is a good indication that this period is coming from another planet altogether. I'm rather dreading it, but the sooner it's here, the sooner it goes, and then maybe maybe maybe it will be my last one. I can't think what else I meant to say, but I need to get ready to go to Cameron's house (which it will always be to me), and the whole thing is suddenly a bit.... big. Somehow. It feels strange. I want to go, I can't WAIT to go, but I want to hide from it and not go all the same. It feels like it's going to be hard, emotionally, and I haven't been finding things so hard emotionally lately have I? So it's uncomfy, thinking that it'll make things hard again. Plus I feel emotionally pfffft, I guess from hormones, so I feel like I'm not strong enough for an emotional battering today. But I'm going. And I'm sure it will be okay. I will write about it later - or tomorrow if I don't feel up to it. Sorry this entry has been so moody! I will be normal Alice after my period gets here. You may breathe a sigh of relief. |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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