I'm feeling ....
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More to follow....
Unofficial Christian Diaryland Webring!
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2004-02-15 - 10.15am previous entry next entry Ohhhh I have too much to write and nooo time to write it!!! I am going to church this morning - bit nervous. I don't think Neil is joining me, he's still in bed and I have to leave in about 10 minutes. Mind you he can get ready to go pretty quick. Unlike me, who has pyjamas on the top half and jeans on the bottom half! I need to get ready and go out, and waaaaaah I really really wanted to update my diary first. Cause I know there will be soooooo much to write after church, and I already have a ton of things I want to say about the week!! THIS is why I shouldn't leave it so long between entries! I went to the cemetery yesterday - Valentine's Day. Cameron has been on my mind so much this week. Well, the week before that too, but more so this week. I don't know why. I think of him as I'm falling asleep again, and sometimes when I wake, and often throughout the day. The last few days I have kept thinking how I can't believe he is gone, and that is a weird thing to feel, now that it's been a while since I felt it. I thought that stage was over with? Anyway. Just recently I keep seeing him the last time I saw him, in his coffin. It's not a horrible memory, but it pains me when I have it. It sort of makes me squirm and want to shut it out, but I can't because.... I don't know why not. Partly I don't really want to. My head boggles when I see him in my mind's eye in his coffin again, because it seems impossible that he's really gone and that I really saw him without any life in him. Boggly. I don't know why this is all happening over again. Well it's not nearly so painful as before. So yesterday I finally told Neil I really wanted to go to the cemetery, and he said go. I printed the photo out of me and Cam at my wedding, the one of just the two of us with my arm round him and we're both just grinning with happiness. This will sound corny. I cut it into a heart shape (well, it's Valentine's Day!) and covered it with weatherproof tape. I put a hole through it and ran some red thread through that. I drove to the florist and bought Neil some gorgeous flowers (can you believe I was the only woman there surrounded by a zillion men - some had brought their little boys!). I bought him red roses and white freesias and hmmm, something else I don't know the name of. Anyway, all but the "something else" were in my bouquet at our wedding. Plus they're lovely flowers anyway! I took one of the (expensive!!) red roses and cut it to a good length, then I tied the picture of me and Cam to it, and drove to the cemetery. Sounds so corny but I'm so glad I did it. I needed to. When I got there, I tidied his grave a bit. There were flowers of various ages in the sunken vase, so for the first time I set about sorting those out, which took me a while. I threw away the dead ones, and put back the pink and yellow tulips, which were looking nice still. I put my red rose in the middle of the vase with the picture showing. I stayed about an hour. I talked to him a bit, like I used to, but not much. It was soooo bitterly cold, I got cold right to my bones, especially handling the wet flowers. I refilled the vase with water and cleared all the old leaves off his grave. I touched all the things his friends and family have left there. I lingered with my fingers tracing his name on the marker plate for ages. I just really miss him at the moment. It's weird. I remembered suddenly that Valentine's Day is also his mum's birthday, and so I prayed for her right there and then at Cameron's grave. It must have been a terribly hard day for her, without her special boy. Well anyway, that is my update about Cameron. And I took 2 photos. One of his grave (after I tidied it!) and another of his row from further back. I don't know why I take photos, but I guess maybe I can't take photos of him anymore (which was sort of a hobby, he was that lovely!), so I take photos of the seasons changing around his grave without him. Morbid huh? Oh well. I still love him too much. Anyway, here are the photos and I'm late for church!! Will write later!   |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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