I'm feeling ....
|
More to follow....
Unofficial Christian Diaryland Webring!
|
2004-01-05 - 5.01pm previous entry next entry Okay, another entry just about 20 minutes after the last one! I just phoned Sue to ask her to pray with me, because I didn't knoww hat else to do and it seemed like a good idea. She had some family round but she prayed with me for a while and I just cried and cried and sobbed and didn't care one bit that someone else was listening at th eother end. She said after she prayed she felt that I should really be pushing open some doors in my life, not standing behind closed ones. She felt strongly like I should be making an effort to push doors open. I didn't tell her that I have been feeling all day like doors are closing all over the place and I'm stuck, but I probably should have, because maybe it would have encouraged her. Anyway, I felt like I can't push any doors open, and angry that yet again I have to muster up the effort to do something to get out of my own unhappiness. I feel worn out with trying things. Can't someone else pickk me up?/ And anyway, what are the "doors" that I need to push open. I probably need to ask God about that, but I am finding prayer so hard these days. I open my mouth to have a sensible time of communication with God, and end up crying and wailing for God to hellllllp! Which probably isn't ideal. Sue said she would put me on the prayer chain (which is only about 3 people at the moment I think!) and at least then they will be praying for me about how unhappy I am and about the pregnancy thing. Judith is one of the people on the prayer chain. Sue said she would ask Judith to ring me and check on me more anyway. But I said she does sometimes, and sometimes I turn her down on an offer of meeting up. I just had nothing to say to Sue after we prayed. I felt stupid, but I had nothing to say. All I could do was sob and offer her some nice deep sighs down the phone. If she asked me a question she got a yes/no answer and more sighs. I just feel all out of words and anything useful for forming a conversation. I just feel miserable to my core right now, like nothing can ever be right again, which obviously is stupid, but there it is. Then she said she was really sorry but she couldn't stay any longer on the phone, so we said goodbye and then I put the phone down and cried myself silly. I am tired of it. Well here are some positive things I have done today: I have taken a bath and washed my hair. I got dressed. I ate breakfast and had toast at lunchtime too. I at least TRIED to sort the new modem out. I also TRIED to fix things with a new doctor. I asked somebody to pray for me. I opened the curtains. I put a tumble dry load on. I folded a few clean clothes (out of the enormous pile!). Plus Neighbours and Doctors started again today so I watched those :) I really need God. |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
 |
