Great Christian Diaries

2003-11-05 - 1.41pm  previous entry  next entry

Not sure what is going on with me. As you can probably see, it's 12.30pm (although by the time I finish this it's probably going to be an hour later), and I should be at work, but obviously I'm not.

I am shaking and crying and sobbing and feeling exactly like Cameron just died yesterday. ??? Also v. confused therefore.

Yesterday evening after I wrote my diary entry, I watched some TV while I waited up for Neil, because I just wanted to wait for him before going to bed. He got home and we chatted a bit. Everything was all normal. We went to bed, and once the lights were out I just started talking instead of letting us go to sleep. I said I felt horrid going to work and hated that it was restricting me from going to the cemetery. I told him how I'd had to squash my feelings back in on my way back to work after visiting Cam's grave, and how I hated having to do that, how it was wrong to push that kind of thing down anyway. I said how I felt like I was failing because I just couldn't get on with a normal job and not feel depressed about it, and I felt I was letting him down because I wasn't doing my share. He listened and here and there said things to assure me I wasn't a failure, nor was I letting him down, etc. Then I cried and Neil held me. We talked a bit about work and stuff again and I stopped crying and felt okay.

Then we were going to go to sleep and all of a sudden I started crying again, saying I missed Cameron, and Neil gave me cuddles again. It was so much easier to be that vulnerable about my feelings in the dark. Is that weird of me? Anyway I could not stop sobbing and all this stuff came out about how I couldn't believe Cameron was gone, how I believed two opposite things as I stood at his grave that afternoon, that I wished he would just come back. I said his flowers are dead and brown and mouldy and I can't move them because that's for family to do, and that everything hurt so much and I couldn't deal with it. Neil is such a good listener. He just listened and listened and held me and stroked my back. I said these must be the feelings I squashed down at lunch time. I can't keep feelings down that are so big.

After I calmed down a bit, Neil said he thought I should not keep working. He said he thought I should stay home and do what I felt right doing, not feel I should be working to keep me busy or "do my share". He said I should have complete freedom to deal with Cameron's death as things came along, not to be tied down to something that would get in the way when things were so hard. It was such a relief to hear him say those things, I can't tell you. I just want him to be happy with what I do. I don't want to feel like he resents anything about me or doesn't like something. I feel I need his approval on how I live my life. It matters to me hugely. I told him how I felt about him working so hard and having such a horrible time sometimes, and me sitting on my butt at home. I said, "You work and I sit. You earn and I spend!" We both laughed about that even though I had been serious, and the laughter was soothing.

But I asked him, if he was being asked some survey questions and he was asked what was the ideal home for him to "come home to" at the end of a stressful working day - practically speaking, you know, not about the people in it or anything. What would he say? So he thought about it and said home was fine. But I made him say what he really really needed to de-stress as far as he possibly could after work. I said ignore stereotypes or what he feels is right to say. So he said he had come to realise that when the house is tidy it feels easier to relax the moment he walks in. He said if the kitchen is clean and tidy and ready to cook a meal in, that is a nice thing too. I asked if it would be a de-stressor if his meals were taken care of and all he had to do was flop on the sofa for the evening. He said actually he likes it when we cook a meal together, so long as the kitchen is ready for cooking in. He said he doesn't mind cooking for me sometimes either. Isn't he lovely?! He's been cooking for me a lot over the years, what with my illness first and then lately with recent events.

I asked him about laundry, and if it would help him feel at ease if he never had to think about where tomorrow's shirt might be, or if he had any clean black socks left. He said he feels bad at the idea of not pitching in with the laundry. I told him that was crazy because I am at home all day, I should definitely be the one to do laundry! But he said he felt like he wasn't doing his share if he didn't do SOME stuff at home. I said, "Ah-ha, now you know how I feel about doing my share a bit more at work!" and he hugged me and said, "You're lovely, you know that?" I love my Neils.

And this would normally be way too personal for me to write here but it's relevant I suppose and I want to record it with the rest of the evening's news - after all this chatting and crying and hugging and being listened to and listening to Neil, I realised how much I felt like I wanted to give to him more than I wanted for myself. That is how it should be in a relationship I think. And the other thing I realised is that it felt completely normal and fitting to make love at that point. Not have parsnips. Make love. It has been a long long long time since that thought occurred to me. I KNEW we just needed some more vulnerability in our relationship!! I think Cheryl will be pleased to hear how we chatted and got more vulnerable with each other. I feel so much more in love with Neil when we are that open with each other, and that combined with physical closeness makes making love a completely natural follow-on. But we didn't though. I told Neil about how things felt, and he agreed. But it was 1am, and we were happy just to hug and be close.

Then I felt so much better about things, like a weight had been lifted inside me and my heart felt lighter. If I thought about Cameron for even one second, or saw his flowers in my mind's eye, tears came immediately, and I didn't want to hurt anymore now that things were feeling so right between Neil and I, so I kept Cameron out of my mind. I did not allow myself to think about the fact that I was doing it either, because the idea of shoving him aside in any way hurts a lot too. He kept popping back but I kept popping him out again.

Then I was suddenly sooooo hungry that my tummy was cramping, so I left Neil to get some sleep, and went downstairs and made a chicken and salad sandwich and ate it with a bag of crisps and a glass of milk at the kitchen table. I was so hungry! That was my fourth meal of the day! Then I brushed my teeth again and went to bed.

When I woke up my head hurt and my eyes were stinging and I felt nauseous - I'm not ill at all, I just didn't get enough sleep and I ate in the middle of the night and I cried half my water content out of my eyes before going to bed! My pillow was so wet afterwards, and so was Neil. But Neil said I shouldn't go to work. He said I should phone the agency and tell them I had had a bereavement and I could not cope with work, and that I should even cancel the work I've got lined up and come off the agency's books. He said I shouldn't go back on them, but it was up to me whether I told the agency it was for good or not.

So I phoned them at 8.30 to give them some warning before I was meant to be at work. The receptionist took a message to give to the lady I need to speak to (who had known me since I did my first temping there in 1997!!!). She said she would let the company know I wouldn't be in, but would I be able to ring them back later with a decision on whether to do the work that I'm signed up for over the next couple of weeks? I wanted to talk to Stephanie (the lady who knows me) about that in person so I said I'd call back later. Then I fell into bed and slept for 3 hours. The postman woke me because he had three videos to deliver - I found someone selling three Christian music videos "free for postage", so I only paid the cost of postage and I have a Deliriou5 video from 1997 - which happens to be the year I was totally into them and went to their concerts a lot, etc! And I got a Michael W. Smith video which I can't wait to see. And a video of The African Children's Choir. Yay! So I might watch those later. Might do me some good actually.

Then quite randomly I started crying because I remembered Cameron. It was triggered by a memory of the exact sound of his voice when he says my name. He always used to say it sort of like he was half asking a question, that kind of tone. And in his voice, which of course is unique to Cameron. I always treasured the sound of his voice and especially the sound of his voice saying my name, after all, that was one of the most lovely moments in my whole life the day he first pronounced my name and said it properly. I will never forget it. But in my head I suddenly heard him say "Alice?" exactly how he always did, almost as clearly as if he had been standing next to me. So that made me hurt and cry for a while. Then I phoned the agency back and Stephanie was so nice to me. She said she had also had a bereavement recently so she understood. She asked if it was someone I was close to, and I told her it was a little boy who I considered mine, which was all I could say. She said she would sort out my timesheet and I shouldn't worry about a thing, and she asked what I wanted to do next. I asked if it would be okay to cancel the work I have lined up, and to come off the books for the time being. She was really nice and said to phone them again in the future if I ever wanted work and they would find me some. I offered sympathy over her loss and wished her well and then we said bye.

When I came off the phone I cried till my legs went buckley. I looked at Cameron's photo and told him how much it hurt that he was gone, and why can't he just come back. Which I know he can't but still. I have carried his photo around since then. I cried to God asking him how much longer this was going to go on. And then answered my own question aloud, that it would be forever, because it would surely feel this way as long as Cameron was gone and that would be forever. I have generally been a complete soggy mess, and it's like the past few weeks haven't happened, like I'm back in the exact same early grief that I thought had passed a bit now. But I know that's how these things go. One thing I did ask God about when I was crying was, how come everything doesn't stop now that Cameron is gone? I knew as I was asking it that it was a stupid question, but it's like Cameron was the centre of things for me for a long time. For the first few years, when I was depressed and had nothing else to live for, Cameron was literally life to me, he was the reason my world kept turning. So now it doesn't always make sense that the world hasn't stopped turning because Cameron is no longer here. If everything revolves around someone, how come it doesn't all stop revolving if that someone disappears? It feels to me like the sun and the planets. If the sun suddenly disappeared then the planets would have no cause to keep revolving, and they'd probably float off into space or crash into each other with no gravity pull to keep them orbiting. So why doesn't that happen now that Cameron's gone? I don't like that things just carry on, that the world still turns, that the season is changing, that a year he never knew is right around the corner, that we carry on ageing beyond how he would have known us. It doesn't feel right at all. I would like to make it all stop so nothing ever changed beyond Cameron's experience of this world. I don't know why but that's how I feel.

Well I guess that's all. Just needed to write about work and that. I know this is just another wave in the series, and I was sort of expecting it I guess, which I mentioned after the last wave. I am beginning to see a pattern now. But I never expected the strength of it to be so great I suppose. I thought maybe it would be less each time. I think this could go on for some time.

And I am relieved to feel free of work. I also feel happier about "working" properly at home, getting the house nice for Neil and things. I want to work at it better, and I think it has helped me to have a small reminder of full time work and how it must be for Neil. It has helped me appreciate things a bit more.

Today we have therapy, but Neil has the car because he would have been late for work otherwise. So I am going to walk (my poor hamstrings, calves, foot-arches and hips!!!) to the nearest station, about a mile away, and get the train to Neil's workplace and then we'll go to therapy together in the car. That's later on though. First I need to have a menthol bath or something and get dressed. I feel as though I could sleep another full night's sleep right now! But then my period is due tomorrow so drugged-tiredness is normal for me right about now. I am still looking forward to those supplements!

Thank you so much to lovely Meg for the very moving guestbook entry *hugs* And also to Alison for yours - of course you can pass my details to your friend, just so long as she knows I am thoroughly useless at emails right now! Thanks for the survey link. Will get there eventually. xxx

Recent entries.....

Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24
Update - 5th Anniversary and other stuff! - 2004-08-16
Church picnic and being happy and things :) - 2004-06-27
Barbeque at Cameron's house... - 2004-05-18
To Tara... - 2004-04-19