I'm feeling ....
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More to follow....
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2003-12-10 - 8.20pm previous entry next entry I'm having such a bad day :( Neil is out this evening at his work thing, which is probably a good thing now actually. I already felt so low. I have almost finished my Christmas cards, and writing my summary of the year's news in some of them is so saddening. I think I wrote this last entry actually. Oh well. You'll have to read it again then. I was writing them thinking, in Febraury my parents moved out of the country when they've always lived practically within arms reach. Big loss for me to adjust to, though it wasn't as hard as I'd expected in the end. In March Grandmummy died, which was hard but not so bad considering she was a close relative. Since June we've been trying for a baby that we've failed to conceive, which is another loss. Then Cameron died in September, my biggest loss in life so far, and it's still with me as you know. So I was looking at my year thinking, "What is this, the year of loss or something?" I got nervous that another loss would occur before the year is out or something, all paranoid. But that's superstition so I refuse to give in to thoughts like that. But I just got off the phone from Mummy who told me tearfully that they think Percy (one of my baby cats who I love SO much) will have to be put down on Friday. He has been ill for weeks, though they thought it was just an infection of some sort and that he was getting better. Now he's really ill and the vet couldn't feel his kidneys today. He has lost so much weight, and the vet gave him this HUGE shot of cortisone, and said he has only treated one cat with Percy's condition before, and that was a much younger cat. The cortisone worked and the cat survived, but the vet said it was an absolute miracle. There is little hope for Percy. On Friday he goes back to the vet and if he hasn't improved or if he has lost any more weight then they will put him down. Which is apparantly the most likely outcome. I can't believe bits of me are being torn off like this, one after the other. I don't know how I can cry anymore, and when I do, which I am now, I feel sick to my stomach. I feel sick all the time anyway, today and yesterday particularly. I have been worrying about it today because I also feel so tired out and low. But I figured maybe it's IBS being awful (which it is anyway) or just the period taking it's toll. I don't know. All this emotional drainage is wearing me out physically. I can't even cuddle him goodbye because he's in France with my parents and I'm here in England. But I don't want him to suffer or be in pain, so it will be for the best if they decide it's necessary. Mummy says she and Daddy have been crying on each other all day, but staying cheerful around the cats. Our cats are so sensitive, they get anxious when we aren't happy or if we're anxious ourselves. I really love my cats. I can't believe this. It feels so unfair. I hurt like my stomach is falling out. I think being sick would be almost pleasurable compared to this. I never felt like that before. My hair is wet and my face is wet and my neck is wet and my sweater is wet and I can't stop crying or sobbing or anything. I feel like I'm bleeding when I cry, ever since Cameron died. And this is.... I don't know how to explain how I feel. I had a dream a month or so ago, that I was crying real blood from my eyes. It was so gross, but it wasn't about how gross it looked, it was about how painful it was and what loss it was causing me. But right now I feel like - gosh it will sound way over the top dramatic if I say it like I feel it. But who cares. I feel like when Cameron died it was like a hard punch in the face, the type that causes damage and injury and you reel for a while but you can still see the world around you, albeit with blurry vision. Now I feel like I'm still reeling but someone punched me full in the face again, and this time I can't see anything anymore, all I can do is feel how painful it is, but I don't have the relief of having been knocked unconscious. About 15 minutes before Mummy phoned, I was sitting sewing a curtain and watching The Sound of Music, because that always picks me up and distracts me when I feel unhappy. And a lady from church phoned me. She said another lady at church is feeling low and has a family member in hospital right now, and the church is organising meals to help her out. She asked me if I would make a meal and take it to this lady's house. Not tonight or anything, just commit to making one and freezing it or something, and taking it over so they can heat it up whenever they need it. I think that's a great idea. But I feel so.... so pftthththth, there's no word really. I feel bad because my gut feeling was no, I don't want to make any meals or give anything of myself to anyone right now. I feel so bad. I know I am going through a lot but I still feel selfish for not wanting to help someone who is genuinely having a hard time. I feel like it makes me a selfish uncaring person. Which I know I'm not normally, but maybe I'm getting that way now. I don't know. But I said yes. I couldn't say no. And I DO want to help this lady, or rather, see her receive help and encouragement. I just wish I didn't have to do it. Man I suck. People don't know that I'm struggling and I don't fancy having to use it as an excuse when someone asks me to help someone. I wonder when Neil will come home? It's 8.40pm now, and I've no idea when their evening will end. Maybe soon? Or maybe he's still in the middle of a meal in some restaurant somewhere. I am better on my own when I get bad news and need to cry about it. You know me. I do better crying on my own. I don't even feel like I wish he was here to hold me, or anyone else for that matter. I just feel like I want a big injection of something to numb how I'm feeling. I don't want to bleed my feelings all over someone, I just want to stop feeling. It's too hard. How can God keep taking things away from me? But, simultaneous thought: I know God's not being mean or unfair. The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. He has given me so much already, and then there's all the giving he has stored up for the future. It's okay when he chooses to take away therefore. I just wish it didn't have to hurt like this. I wanted to write because I don't know what else to do with myself. I can channel my feelings into the keyboard and watch the words appear on the screen, rather than everything caving in on me while I sit on the sofa on my own. But I've run out of things to say now. I'm going to pray like crazy that Percy will somehow be another miracle, but I don't know. What will be will be, and I know God is in control. I know it's harder for Mummy and Daddy too, because at least I haven't been used to cuddling Percy and looking into his eyes and feeling my insides squidge with love for him while I do so, and seeing him around the house every day. At least I've become unaccustomed to that in the last year. So it's way harder for them. I still love him though. Wake me up when this year is over. |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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