I'm feeling ....
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More to follow....
Unofficial Christian Diaryland Webring!
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2003-09-18 - 1.40pm previous entry next entry Ohhhhh my goodness, it has been such an AGE since I last wrote an entry!! More than 2 weeks, which might just be a record in my whooole 2 and a half years of this diary! Wow. Well the same thing seems to happen every menstrual cycle now - I spend the last couple of weeks of each one writing in my pre-pregnancy journal and I just don't seem to want/need to write in here while I'm doing that. And things have just been weird for me a bit, lately anyway, so I guess I haven't known where to start or something. I feel so out of touch with my own world now that I haven't been touching base here so much!! Usually I keep a short account with this diary and come back frequently to write my thoughts or what I've been doing, so when it's been a while, I feel sort of disorganised in my mind, like I haven't organised my thoughts in a while so I don't know where to start! Well, needless to say, I am not pregnant again. But that's a whole other ball game so read about that in the other diary if you must. And for a while I've been mostly occupying myself by making nappies (lots and lots of them), so again, the other diary. It has been a really bad time for me to neglect my diary. Sooooo many things are going on in my head - some of them really big things - and I haven't written them down, and now I honestly don't know where to start, or even if I can gather them all up now that there are so many. And I wanted to write random things as well, things that have caught my attention recently. But they are all mixed and jumbled and faded because there is too large a collection now from a couple of weeks. Grrr. Oh well, I will try not to leave it so long another time, and I'll try to remember things and post them here, even if it means a ton of bits-and-pieces entries for a while until I feel sufficiently purged! :) I lie awake at night and words intertwine with my thoughts so that they make miles and miles of strong thread that explains exactly how I feel and think so perfectly. I express myself so well at night. But it's gone in the morning and it generally doesn't return till I'm next lying awake trying to sleep at night. Funny that. So I never get to remember my clear thinking long enough to write it here. If I got up in the night when things were like that and wrote them down, I would just nevvver get any sleep! So I don't. But it's a shame, when things flow so nicely like that. So you just get to see the "er, where's a thesaurus?" side of me. Sorry about that! :) Ohhhh how frustrating, I have a TON TON TON of stuff to say!!! And not much time to say it, and for that matter I don't really have it organised in my head so I probably will just carry on waffling like this and never really get round to saying it. Tsk. Emily is coming round today!!!! Scary. But lovely, because I know it's going to be great to meet her and chat to her for a while. It's always scary when I meet someone who reads my diary and who I only know from the internet. The more people I meet who read my diary, the more self-conscious I feel about what I write here. It's so much easier when I can almost believe that all the people reading my diary and signing my guestbook are just virtual people, not real ones at all, like the Sims or something - like internet socialising is just one big virtual game. Muuuch easier. It always pops that bubble when I am about to meet someone and I think, "ohhhhh my goodness, they know about my sex life!!" and stuff like that!! Ahem. Difficult. But I make the choice to be really open and generally I like it, and I like the results of it - in that I seem to get a lot of contact from people who have been helped by something personal that I've said. Plus I don't like to have things about myself hidden. I don't like to feel that other people don't really know what I'm like and what things I am ashamed to admit. If it's out there then it's not lurking around making me uncomfortable, or lulling anyone else into the false impression that I'm cooler/braver/nicer than is really true, and that's better. Of course it helps that I am really happy with myself, otherwise maybe that would be harder. I did a really difficult thing today, for a friend - for me actually as well, but it was hard and I'm really pleased with myself for doing it. Something I don't have the strength to do, but I was so fed up with how I was feeling about it and how it was affecting me that I asked God to help me take the plunge. I reckon if I can just have the faith to put my foot out on the water then he can supply me with the courage and the strength and all the right feelings and stuff. And then I can walk on it without falling. So I did. And so far I haven't fallen. I trust God to hold me up which helps a lot. Can't get all detailed because the friend concerned reads my diary. You see? I'm sure things are getting more restricted here with more people reading my diary and more friendships being made through this place that start to affect me in my daily life. It gets harder to write about those things because they start to involve people who read what I write. It was so much easier in the first year I wrote here. Maybe that's why people are locking their diaries lately? Loads of my favourite diaries all of a sudden - locky lock lock. No passwords sent or anything, so I can't read about them anymore :( Maybe it's me they're blocking?!! Heh. Does anyone read erlenweg.diaryland.com? It's been ages since I've been able to read there. I know she has good reason to lock her diary, but if anyone does have the password and has been able to read it lately, could someone just tell me how Nolan is doing? I keep thinking about him and wondering if he's okay and how his treatment is going. We have some money. The last time we suddenly had some money like this was when we got married and didn't have anywhere to live or any money to buy a place with, so we lived at my parents' house for a few months. Then money just fell in our laps after we'd been praying for some help/guidance from God. Not quite literally, but like, all at once we got gifts and stuff - completely incredible gifts that we had no idea anyone around us had the finances to provide. Like enough to put a good deposit on a property and buy instead of renting, that sort of thing. Amazing. What a faithful God. So you guys know that in the last few months Neil and I have been praying together again, and asking God for stuff in our lives and for direction, etc? In the last few weeks, from absolutely nowhere, without asking anyone for anything or telling anyone anything about our thoughts or plans, we have received various gifts and we were also advised to change our mortgage policy, and we had no idea it would mean that we now have quite a serious sum of money available to us. Altogether, we now have more of a lapfall than the original "in our laps" thing back when we first got married. But this time we don't know why. We know God has given us a huge fund for something, but we honestly don't know what it's for. We are beginning to think Neil should be using some of it to fund himself through studying for a Masters degree. He is looking into part-time courses and has applied for one or two. We also feel that God wants us to give some of it back to him in some way, but we don't know how much or to whom/what. I don't think we are meant to be moving house or anything. It's so weird! But wonderful! Because when God does something like this, it means he has a great plan right around the corner for us, and that's so exciting. Could it be to do with starting a family? I don't know. It doesn't really feel that way, because we feel financially ready for a family already, we've waited until we made ourselves ready in that area. Neil has been longing to get into a different job/career for years, and has been talking about further study (which there was no way we could afford until now) for a year or so. So we figured that would be the first thing to do. But it's obviously from God, so we are desperate to do what he wants us to do with the money. We don't want to make any mistakes. So we are praying that he'll show us, and close any doors that we aren't meant to go through, etc. We are definitely paying the credit card off though, and cutting it up. We're having a cutting fest!! Alll our credit cards, snip snip snip!! Yay, it's gonna be so much fun. I want to make a collage and send them back to the credit companies that way, but I guess I can't because they have to be sent to different companies. Oh well. It will be very good for us to be without a credit card. This means that we have finally finished paying off our holiday in New York, which incidentally was this time last year. Well actually, the whole gap in my diary these last 2 weeks has covered the time we were in New York last year. It's amazing to think it was a year ago. It feels longer in many ways. I feel so different now. But I have a lot to write about how I am feeling in myself lately, it's a biggie for me right now. Good news though! But I feel like I've written enough and anyway Neighbours is on in 5 minutes and then I need to tidy a little bit for my lovely guest! :) So I'll be back later to write some more. Ah I almost forgot - thank you so much Alison for your honest and encouraging guestbook entry. It was so nice of you to write that. Have read your diary a bit. *hugs* to you. I think if God is there and you reach out to him, you will find what you are looking for. I can tell you he is real to me, and he is the author of my faith, so I only get what I have from him, it's not my own. If that makes sense! Anyway, thanks so much for the message. I will be praying for you. xxx |
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