I'm feeling ....
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More to follow....
Unofficial Christian Diaryland Webring!
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2003-10-27 - 11.55pm previous entry next entry Hello, hello! It's a better day today, and I have no idea why, but never mind because what a relief - today is so much easier than recent days! I am so relieved to be feeling like there isn't such a painful weight around my heart for a bit. It feels so wonderful to feel light and happy and okay with the world. I don't know why I do. But then this is how it was a week or so ago I think. Was it? I can't remember. But it seemed that all of a sudden I felt okay and wondered if I was done grieving and I felt awful for that. I am learning this is going to be more of a rollercoaster than I imagined. But hooray for the ups, where Cameron makes me smile and laugh and I feel okay about carrying on without him still being here. I looked up Cameron Anthony on a babynamer thing today. Cameron has two meanings, "crooked" which I've known since I looked it up when he was a little tiny boy, and something wonderful that filled me with joy - "individualistic". Do you know what individualistic means? In my dictionary it means "an individual of distinctive character or personality". I am so thrilled to discover this meaning because it just describes Cameron. But it gets even better! I then looked up Anthony and found that it means "inestimable; above worth". Woah. So Cameron Anthony means "an individual of distintive character whose worth cannot be estimated". That's Cameron to a T. I am amazed that his name describes him so perfectly. I wonder if his parents even knew how they were describing him when they named him? Lots of parents just name a child because they like the name or like the two together, or maybe they have a personal significance. But what a meaning! I like meanings in names. What a beautiful name for a beautiful child. That has really warmed my heart today. I didn't go to the cemetery today. I didn't get myself together till the afternoon, and then I thought actually I didn't NEED to go today. It's lonely to be at the cemetery and I was aware that things weren't hurting so much today, so I didn't know if it would be a good thing to go there or not. I decided not to go, and that maybe I will go tomorrow instead if I feel like it. I took a bath and then I lay watching the clock from half past four till five o'clock, when the cemetery closes. I don't know why. I do silly odd things these days! But I just allow myself to do things if they feel like they meet a need, even if they are odd. In the bath I started singing, and I haven't done any singing at all for a long time except to sing a bit at the cemetery, and then church on Sunday. Singing feels awesome, I have always loved to sing. It releases something in me and it lifts my spirit. I usually sing allll the time, but I hadn't noticed how that has stopped lately. Anyway in the bath I couldn't stop singing that song we sang at church on Sunday, the one that goes, "Great is the Lord, Sovereign King, we give you praise". That's the chorus. There's a verse that goes, "By grace I come, through faith in God, not by works alone but by Jesus' blood. Now you've filled my life with the Spirit's power, and you've set my heart on fire!" and then the chorus again. And I just kept on singing it, over and over and over, verse, chorus, verse, chorus, verse, chorus, and on and on. I tried to stop sometimes but I just couldn't help starting it up again. The words are so true for me. Even how much I love Cameron and how much it hurts that he's gone is part of God having set my heart on fire. But it's a wonderful thing, because God has FILLED me with his love. Something amazing always happens to me when I worship God, when I really do let go and worship him. No matter how I have been feeling, no matter what the circumstance I am in, joy and joy and more joy floods my whole being, and everything is wonderful. Only God matters and he is everything I have ever needed or will ever need. Nothing else matters and I feel complete and more alive than I ever ever felt before I became a Christian. So I worshipped God in the bath, hands raised, huge grin on my face, heart full to bursting point with love and joy. It was awesome. I have missed that so much. Maybe that is why I've had a better day? Maybe I've let God in again and started to draw close to him after a time away from his side. That would make lots of sense because with God I can cope with absolutely anything, since he is my absolute source and my provider in every way. I LOVE my God. Really big time. Well I haven't done much else today. I have chewed my fingers raw these last few days, and then last night I think I was clenching my teeth in my sleep because my teeth ached today, and then I chewed my fingers some more, and then I sang loudly and grinned in the bath (!!), and by the evening my jaw hurt more than it has for a long time. It throbbed and ached and radiated down my neck and up into my head and across my cheekbones, and urgh it was horrid. Neil threatened to puree my dinner if I didn't stop biting my fingers. I really need to sort that out. The Bible says my body is the temple of the Holy Spirit. I am not treating it with a lot of respect, and I want to sort that out. Anyway, paracetamol, codeine, and ibuprofen later and it is much more comfortable! So I am going to try laying off my fingers for a while. I hadn't noticed I'd been going so crazy on them lately, till now. Last night I dreamt that Neil died - probably why I was clenching my teeth so much! It wasn't like when I used to dream about people I love dying when I was younger - after those dreams I would wake absolutely distraught and in tears, and need much hugging and reassuring. But this one was like my first Cameron dream, it was full of the empty heartache feeling that I've had lately about Cam. It was horrible. My dreams are very vivid lately and they are completely accurate to the day and up to date with events, so it's as if they are really happening in real time, which makes them kind of disturbing if they are bad dreams. I remember in my dream feeling like I didn't know how I could cope with losing Neil as well as Cameron in such a short space of time, and I couldn't believe it had really happened. I picked Neil up from the station this evening after he worked late. I am kind of clingy and protective around him lately. I had felt too embarrassed and silly to admit this for the last 2 weeks, until I read on that bereavement site how normal it is - phew! So now I can say and not feel so silly - I have been terribly anxious about Neil's safety these last few weeks. I watch him go out of the front door even when he's going to take a video back to Blockbusters, and I wonder if I'll see him again, or if this is the last time I'll see his smile or the twinkle in his eyes, or hear his voice. I always say as he leaves, "take care!" and "I love you" in case it's the last chance I get. Life has been feeling fragile and easily snatched away for me since Cameron died, and I fear losing Neil when I least expect it like Cameron. I don't want to miss him hearing me tell him I love him like Cameron did. I get afraid that a car will hit him or someone will murder him, and I'll find out when he is late home or when someone calls to tell me. I try not to be so fearful, because if I am afraid then I am not relying on God. So I pray after Neil leaves to go somewhere, and ask God to cover him and protect him and keep him safe. Then I feel okay usually. I am relieved that this kind of anxiety about loved ones dying or being taken from me suddenly is a normal part of the grieving process. It makes it a lot easier to live with if I know it's just part of a process that will get easier with time. Another great and wonderful thing about feeling more like myself today is that I am not irritable with Neil!!! Yay!! I hate feeling irritable towards him. It feels so wrong and horrible. I know it must be to do with how much I hurt and can't bear being touched or too close to somebody, because as the pain lessens I want Neil close to me again and have no urge to push him away. He worked late tonight, and then I had a sore head so he made dinner. I feel so bad about that, my poor husband :( But after the drugs kicked in we had some lovely chats and just enjoyed each other's company and were cheeky with each other and laughed and joked. I can't tell you what a relief it has been. I love my husband! He has gone to bed now and so should I, because it's late AGAIN, and last night I couldn't sleep till after 2 so I overslept BIG time this morning! I don't want to start sleeping late and going to bed late all the time. And I need to get out more. I want to. Oh I am so glad to be feeling this way. I know it's going to hit me again sometime soon that Cameron is gone and the hurt will come back painfully again, but for now I feel suddenly more able to cope with that, and I will ride that train as long as I can. It's like waves that I can't forsee or control, and some of them are tidal waves, I am amazed I do not drown. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning but God always keeps my head above it enough to keep me breathing somehow, even though I go under a lot. I have a lot to thank God for. He is everything and I'm so relieved and glad of his presence in my life. Phew! Oops I almost forgot to thank Meg, Alison and Helen for their guestbook entries! Thanks girls, I really appreciate your words and prayers. And thanks Helen for the link to the beautiful poem. xxx |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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