I'm feeling ....
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More to follow....
Unofficial Christian Diaryland Webring!
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2004-02-04 - 12.22pm previous entry next entry Oooh another gap, sorry! I have been writing loads in my pre-pregnancy journal as usual at this time of the month, which has passed now and I'm STILLLLLL not pregnant. Well actually, it looks like I probably was but had a very early miscarriage. So at least I can get pregnant. But back to square one for now. I'm not in the best of moods. I don't know why. I don't think it is to do with the possible pregnancy or getting my period again. In fact I seemed to cope with that surprisingly well this time around. I feel terribly hormonal for some weird reason, though this is when my hormones should be at their lowest and therefore least bothersome. I have been having the most terrible mood swings since getting my period though. I smashed my printer on Monday! Seriously. It wouldn't work, so I picked it up, held it high, and smashed it down on the ground. Sooooooooo not like me! I feel kind of ashamed of that! It still works though, fortunately! Monday evening and Tuesday evening I have been really really weepy and miserable and lonely, but I can't understand why. Last night I was too sad to eat my dinner, my throat just was too tight, and I needed loads and loads of cuddles from Neil. He asks me what the matter is, but I don't really know, so we think maybe it's hormones. Perhaps if I did get pregnant that would make sense, because my hormones would be getting back to normal. I just feel sooooo isolated and lonely. I feel angry at church at the moment which is something I haven't felt since I was housebound with M.E. and the church didn't particularly reach out to me. Well now I haven't been since late November and has anyone bothered to call to ask if I'm okay? Nope. That really sucks. But don't mind me, I'm in a grumpy mood. What can I say that is nice and uplifting?! Oh yes, Neil had a nice birthday - thanks to those who asked/wished him happy birthday! I was Mrs. Super-wife all day long :) I hoarded his cards that came in the post that week, gave him all of them plus a load of presents in bed when he woke up, made his favourite meal, got the house tidy, let him play half the evening on his violent computer game, and provided bedtime parsnips! ;) You won't have a clue what I mean by parsnips (well you might, given the reference to bedtime!) unless you have been reading here for a while. I hate to give google a chance to blab my private life over the internet for gross people to find. So, parsnips. Who's gonna search for that?! :P So he had a nice birthday. And now he is 30!!! I'm married to a man in his thirties!!! This is not actually that weird, given my age, but I never ever feel like I could possibly be that old! I don't mind getting old. Just so long as I have some children around me, then I can wrinkle and fade as much as I like! I can't think what else I've done in all this time.... Surely something! Waited for my period. Been symptomatic of pregnancy - well at least I have a fair idea that I will get morning sickness! Grrreat. And that there's nooo point having any tomatoey things in the house when I do get pregnant. It's good to have a heads-up. But that's all I've been occupied with lately I think. I have been to the doctor twice, once to have blood taken and the other time to get the results. But they are fertility tests so I'm not repeating myself here when it's all in the other diary. I went to the cemetery. Did I say that already? I can't remember when I went now. Cameron's grave has Christmas things all over it - cards with the ink all blurred from the rain, a little Christmas tree with brown needles, and a little Father Christmas statue. He has a new neighbour - a baby called Kyle David Junior. The earth on Kyle's grave is fresh and I only knew his name because he has two funeral wreaths on the earth - one is from a big sister who is only just old enough to write three '+' signs for kisses, and the other is from his parents. I wonder if he was stillborn, or if he died as a newborn? I probably shouldn't wonder such things, but they get under my skin and I do it anyway. It's weird to see that Cameron is no longer the last child to be buried at the cemetery. It makes his death feel like really old news. Which I guess it is becoming, but that's a weird feeling in itself. I miss that little boy so much. But I guess I'm getting used to it. That sounds so cold of me. But that's how life goes isn't it? You have to get used to things like this and carry on, and it doesn't mean you love the person who died any less. I do think about him less now, which I feel terribly guilty for, but I don't know how not to. He just isn't here. I can't keep hold of him in my thoughts all the time like when he was here. He's not here to remind me to think of him. But I feel so bad. I do think of him a lot still, I'm just noticing it's not as much as I used to. Anyway, I am glad that if there HAS to be another poor little one buried next to Cameron, that it is a newborn baby boy. Cameron missed his new baby brother by 2 weeks, and somewhere in my confused mind I am comforted thinking now he is able to look after a little baby boy whose parents can't reach him right now. I know he is the absolute BEST person for the job. I wish I could tell Kyle's parents that. But maybe that wouldn't be right either. Grief is such a weird thing, you can never tell what's right to say. I'm wearing pink velour trousers. I won them on eBay and they arrived today. I like them :) They are not really my thing for wearing out of the house, more like a thick warm pair of pyjama-type bottoms for lounging around the house, which is just my thing when I need something comforting! So I'm happy with that. I need to get fit. I want to be fitter for pregnancy. I am just too lazy for words! I can't seem to get motivated to do ANYTHING these days. I don't want to socialise at all. But that makes it hard to feel happy or motivated to go places and do things, especially exercise. I feel like I don't really have any friends. I have loads online and that I keep in touch with but don't see, but other than Judith, who let's be honest, I'm not always 100% comfortable with, I can't really think of anyone who is my friend at all. That makes me really sad :( I keep thinking I need to do a class or something, to make some new friends, but realistically I know what I'm like. I sit and learn while other people pal up and go to the pub together afterwards. I hate hate HATE pubs, like, not just dislike, but truly utterly loathe pubs. I have never liked them, if I have to be in one then I sit there utterly uncomfortable and all I can think about it how soon I can leave and go home. And since the entire British public seems to think pubs are the place to be if there's more than one person in any given situation (okay slight exaggeration, but I'm peeved, okay?!), I am pretty much the odd one out in all social settings. I hate pubs. Grrr. So I don't know what to do to improve my situation. I am so lonely but somehow I'm still not motivated to go out and spend time with people, even one on one in the comfort of my own home or someone else's home. I'm weird. I don't understand me. Oh well. I've run out of things to say, and this entry has been really blah - sorry! I will hopefully write something more cheerful next entry, which will hopefully not be so long this time! Hope everyone is okay :) |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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