I'm feeling ....
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More to follow....
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2003-10-01 - 12.45am (2nd) previous entry next entry It's October, and Cameron really is gone. A new month and everything. I'm sorry about my diary. I am beginning to feel that alllll I do is go on and on about Cameron and how hard it is without him, and to be honest I am starting to feel that if I wasn't me and I was reading my diary, I would be getting bored and irritated by it by now. I feel the same way with Neil. I mean, there are other things going on in life, especially for Neil, and yet ALL I want to do when he's home from work is talk to him about Cameron. We do get onto different subjects when we're chatting, but Cam is on my mind all the time, and I mean ALL the time, so whenever there's a pause in the conversation another thing seems to pop out of my mouth about him, and off I go again. I am worried that I'm becoming hard-wearing or a bore about it all. I don't even know why I should want to talk about him so much, because normally people would just find it too hard wouldn't they? But I just want to go on and on and on and on talking and thinking about him, and I don't feel comfortable at all when I'm not talking or thinking about him. I could honestly talk all day and night without running out of things to say or wanting to change the subject. It's weird. This evening we went to Judith's house for a special dinner for all the leaders from camp this summer. I did not want to go at all, like last night at Alpha, but we had to go so I did. It was good in the end. I seemed perpetually distracted by thoughts of Cameron and sometimes feeling empty like being there and just getting on with normal things was so irrelevant somehow. It's not irrelevant, of course, but sometimes I feel that way. I did relax as well though, and sometimes chatted normally. I just kept on being distracted though, especially with a lot of talk about kids around Cameron's age, and we tossed around ideas for starting a boys' camp (we have just done girls' camps so far) maybe next year, or the year after, for boys aged 11 upward - Cameron's age. I had considered him in my mind to invite in the future when we started boys camps. I wasn't sure what with his medical needs, if he'd be able to go, but I had considered asking his mum all the same. So it's weird, talking about it with him very much out of the equation. Steph asked me what I was up to these days and if I'd thought much more about part-time work, and I had been miles away feeling empty and thinking of Cam, and I absolutely could not answer her questions. I couldn't make sense of my thoughts on part-time work, it is just so far from my mind and I fumbled over answering her until eventually I just told her and the other 2 in the room about losing Cameron and how I am a bit distracted at the moment. I shook. They were very nice about it. At the end of the evening Sandy talked to me about us meeting up like we'd planned to a while back, and she asked if I was free the rest of this week or next week. I could not get my brain to figure out what was going on in my week next week, apart from Cameron's funeral, and I couldn't think what Thursday and Friday could possibly be about this week either. I just felt so weird and removed from my brain. She and Judith asked if I was dealing better with the little boy's death, and I said no. They seemed totally surprised, which for some reason I found.... weird. Like almost offended, I don't know why. I explained to them as quickly and simply as I could what Cameron meant to me, because nobody understands at all. Nobody. Everyone thinks he's just some kid I looked after once and now I'm sad that he's died. But it goes so much deeper than that. I told them I considered him my own, and we had a really close bond. I felt all defensive, like I wanted to shout it out how close we really were so that everyone would stop just talking like he was one of loads of kids I know. Nobody's done anything wrong, but I just feel angry, and like I want to lash out and even hurt people who make light of my relationship with Cameron. It's totally wrong and awful of me, and irrational too, because like I say - they couldn't have known, and they're nice about it when I tell them. But even so I feel like they STILL don't see - I can't explain it well enough so that anyone could know or understand what he meant to me. People who don't know, who can't understand, who show in their lack of utter shock when I tell them of my loss, it makes me so so so angry and I want to lash out and scream and shout that he was mine in my heart and why can't people respect that. Again, awful of me, since they aren't lacking in respect at all, I just have these weird feelings is all. But they have a "that's terrible" response, like if I'd just read about it in the paper and told them. They do seem shocked but not for me - is this really selfish? If I were a close relative of Cameron, they would be shocked FOR me and expecting me to feel like I do, and they would surely just be reacting completely differently to me. Why SHOULD I be dealing with it any better now that a week has gone by? That's the kind of thing that would be "expected" of someone who just "knew" Cameron or something. Why can't normal people around me see that it's not a cut on the surface of my skin, that it's more like a 12 inch knife splitting my whole torso from front to back, and wounds like that don't feel better in a week like a cut on the hand would. I feel so angry and shaky and angry, and angry again. For not much of a reason, but still. Urgh. I am shaking a lot right now. I had a dream the other night, about Cameron. In the dream it wasn't about him, and he wasn't in it at all, but you know when you wake up and you know it was a dream about a specific person even though they weren't in it? I knew it was about Cameron. I don't know if I'm explaining it well enough. But anyway. In the dream I went to visit a little boy's body at a funeral parlour. When I got in there, this amazing strength came over me and I just had complete faith in God, and I just did what Jesus did when he was alive, and I commanded the boy to get up and he did. Out of the coffin and just stood there in the box with health in his skin and joy in his eyes. I completely lost it, hugging him and screaming with joy and thanking God. The funeral people were scared out of their minds. I thought, what happens next? Do they phone his mum or do I pop him in the car and drive him home? Woah. What a homecoming that would be! It was an awesome dream, although it woke me feeling weird. I have a million billion mixed thoughts and feelings about that dream. I guess I am wanting SO much for Cam to be alive again. I lay there when I woke up and thought and thought about it. I couldn't push it out of my mind. I thought, why not? Why can't I book an appointment to visit his body and just walk in there and raise him from the dead by faith in God and in the name of Jesus? Sounds totally nuts, but why not? Jesus did it. He sent his disciples to do the same and they did it. God still HEALS today like in the Bible - I have personally experienced it myself, as well as seen genuine miraculous healings in front of my very eyes. So why not in the same faith and by the same power of God, just march in there and see my boy alive again? But then after a few glorious moments of this lovely fantasy, I thought okay, I'm just so desperate for him not to be dead that I'm starting to grasp at straws. Really. If he died then he's meant to be dead. Ohhh you see what I mean? I feel like I am going a bit crazy. Before now I have recognised normal feelings and thoughts and just let myself go with the flow. But lately I've been wondering if some of my feelings and thoughts are starting to get a bit.... wacky.... or not so normal? Anyway that was my first dream about Cameron since he died. I am scared to dream of him properly, like with him actually in my dreams - the vivid type where it's completely real until you wake up and realise it's not. I guess that will come but the idea scares me, because of how much it will hurt to wake up. Unless the dream is a nightmare. I have had hunnndreds of dreams about Cameron over the years, plenty of them nightmares where I lose him in some way or he comes to harm because of me. It's always such a relief to wake all breathless and to realise it was just a dream, but even then the feeling is soooo awful. Now if I dream like that again, the reality will be just as bad, and I can't bear that. Bleurgh, I've got to start changing the subject. I did two more coats on the front door today - the final coat on one side and the first coat on the other. Two more coats to go and then it's done. I can't wait because it's getting kind of boring to work the stain into all those panel crevices! It still takes me an hour to do each coat so today I watched some TV while I did it, which made it less boring. I have flopped around being completely useless today, other than the door. I am so drowsy and tired for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Next door are fitting a new kitchen, and the (noisy!) work on that started around 9.30. I hadn't got out of bed yet, and even after the noise started I couldn't keep awake. I just felt sleepy and kept on dozing till 2 hours later when I finally got up because I felt too bad staying in bed a moment longer. But I haven't done much because I feel all sluggish and sleepy. I feel bad when I lie around without any reason, even if I feel tired, because of how I used to have no choice for years when I had M.E, and now I do. Anyway, yuck. I feel yuck with myself today. No post today because of the postal strike. And um. It was nice to see the camp leaders all together again. And dinner was nice. And I didn't stress about the food again - wow! I am wondering if I am suddenly not stressing about food this week because actually I feel very don't-careish about my normal worries. Like, who cares what happens to me if I eat something dodgy? Cameron died. Everything else is nothing, complete triviality. Even worrying about what I eat. Maybe that's why it's not bothering me right now? I'm enjoying feeling normal about food anyway, whatever the reason is! I am eating fairly rubbishly other than the times we've eaten out this week anyway - a further extension of just not caring about stuff right now. But then sometimes I feel fine and hungry and I eat well. I eat, anyway, and that's the important thing. We had stuffed mushrooms tonight, and then pork stroganov in this gorrrgeous sauce with rice and sweet potatoes and salad. And then homemade chocolate mousse. I was so stuffed! I helped stuff the mushrooms when I arrived. Anyway it was nice. That's all for now. I will write again tomorrow probably. I seem to find it helpful to write every day at the moment, even if it's late and I'm too tired, it always feels better to offload the day in my diary before bed. Goodnight! xxx |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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