Great Christian Diaries

2003-10-16 - 6.30pm  previous entry  next entry

Thank you Valerie, Meg and Kelli for your lovely guestbook messages :)

Yesterday was a really annoying day. I made a big mistake in deciding what to do with my day, and the whoooole day seemed to be all messed up as a result. Well actually the beginning was fine, Neil overslept so I took him to work in the car, and then on the way home I went to the supermarket and bought some stuff for dinner (my parents were coming to dinner!), and then the butcher's because I was gonna make spaghetti bolognese, and then I stopped at a florist and bought some gorgeous yellow and purple freesias (I love freesias, I had white ones in my wedding bouquet, and they smell incredible). And then on my way home from there I stopped at Homebase and bought carpet tape (for when we laid the carpet in the small bedroom) and a gorgeous Christian calendar for 2004 with the most beautiful photographs in it, and a plug extension lead. And then I came home all happy with my purchases, so the morning was good.

But after that, I was clearing up after the electrician, and I had to pick Neil up from work at 5pm so we could go to therapy, and then come home and cook dinner for my parents who were coming round at 7.30. But after I polyfilled the wall and sanded it down when it had dried, I decided to start moving furniture from the small bedroom into our room, because there's a new carpet all folded up waiting to be fitted in the small bedroom, and I thought it might as well get fitted this week, since some of the furniture had been moved out of that room already for the electrician's work earlier in the week. Sooo I started clearing it out. And you know me (do you?), when I start something - especially houseworky stuff - I get on a roll and then I won't stop for anything. So I piled more and more stuff up in our bedroom, and then more stuff went in the bathroom, and THEN I stopped and realised that there was no way I could just leave the carpet fitting till another day, because our bedroom was full to the doorway with furniture and piles of books and stuff, and the bed was covered too. And the bathroom was piled up so that I couldn't get to the loo. Silly me.

So I moved the BIG pieces of furniture into the hallway (thus completely blocking myself off from the rest of the house!), things like the wardrobe and the desk (which I had to take apart and that was very difficult since it's heavy). Urgh. And then I pulled up the old carpet and it was sooooo heavy, I couldn't believe it. So heavy that I couldn't possibly get it out of the room, especially since I had blocked the way with the wardrobe. D'oh. I was so cross with myself all of yesterday because the more I tried to fix what I'd started, the worse it got. I got waaaay too tired and my muscles were hurting too much but I had no choice but to carry on, because I couldn't use the loo or leave the house like it was and go to therapy, because then we'd have too much to do before my parents got here for dinner. Urrrrrrrrrgh, I was so cross with myself. Everything just went more wrong after that. I realised I had left the new carpet in our bedroom, beyond allll that stuff that absolutely couldn't be budged now it was piled up in that order. So I clambered over it all (my legs are soooo bruised and purpley today) and broke something important off my sewing machine in the process, and managed to reach the carpet but of course it was waaaay too heavy for me to pull over all that stuff, but because I had no choice I somehow did it anyway and hurt quite a few muscles. Grrrr. Can't believe I was so stupid yesterday.

Anyway, I tried to clean up the floor under the old carpet so that the carpet tape would stick to the floor, but no matter WHAT I did, the $*&%$£*# tape would not stick to the floor. So I wasted the stupid tape and it ran out before I'd covered half the floor. I looked at the time and it was after 4, which meant I had about half an hour to finish laying the carpet and move all the furniture back in (hahahaha) before going to pick Neil up and head on to therapy. Yeurgh. So of course I started rushing, and decided to lay the carpet where I'd already "stuck" some tape because then I could put some furniture back on top of what I'd already laid, thus clearing the way to the rest of the house. Good idea huh? Nope. I stuck the carpet down sooo badly, I mean, I am absolutely amazed at what a completely rubbish carpet-fitter I am. I am pretty good at most things when I try them, even first time, but not this. It tiddled me off so much. The carpet stuck down all bumpy, and the tape round the edges of the room just peeled right off the floor. I tried to rip it up and start again, but that just ripped the foam backing off the carpet. And when I decided to just lay it there and leave it, I cut around the edges to make it neat, and made a huge booboo with that as well. So the edge looks poxy. Man, I was so cross. I never swear and I hate swearing in every possible way, but I broke all my rules yesterday in that bedroom, and that made me crosser than ever with myself.

So then I mountaineered over the furniture again, and called Neil at work in a big flap, and we decided we couldn't possibly go to therapy given the state of things at home and my parents arriving for dinner in a few short hours. So, feeling worse than EVER about it all, I phoned Relate and cancelled our therapy, which of course we had to pay for since it was short notice. Neil said he would leave work at 5pm anyway and come home as fast as he could (even though I had the car) to help. Urgh. I felt so bad.

Back upstairs I hacked away at the carpet some more and sliced my thumb with the stanley knife, which bled everywhere and it was hard to get it to a tap and a plaster quickly because of having to mountaineer over furniture. Grrr. I whacked my forehead on the wardrobe sooo hard that I felt quite odd afterwards. It made such a loud crash and made me shout out, but it didn't hurt that much. It's tender today though, but not black and blue yet. Hopefully it won't show too badly. Anyway I didn't see stars or feel dizzy so I carried on.

Neil got home and tried to help, but we got in this huge argument about how to lay the carpet, and I was mean and he was mean, and urgh it was totally horrible. He went to get more carpet tape and that gave me a slight cooling-off time. Then we finished taping the floor, and ripped the carpet up (again) to lay it properly, and fitted the carpet okayish. And then we argued again because the rest of the house needed seriously tidying and cleaning before M & D showed up (in half an hour by that time). Neil wanted me to clear up downstairs and I wanted to finish the mess I'd started upstairs. He was busy taking heavy things out of the way like the old carpet, which I couldn't lift, and so he couldn't clean up downstairs, which he felt was a priority. Anyway, we shouted at each other. We never do that, even when we argue normally. I phoned my parents to put them off till 8pm instead of 7.30, and then I carried on upstairs because I'm stubborn, and Neil cleaned the kitchen. But I cleared the bathroom and some of our bedroom, and the hallway, and made the small bedroom look half-decent with furniture before helping out downstairs so it was okay in the end.

I was so down on myself and cross with myself that evening, and I guess I was overtired too and I took it all out on Neil. Not that he was an angel because he was tired and snappy too, and kept saying things that wound me up, but urgh, anyway it was okay in the end.

In fact it felt the most normal it's ever felt after that. It's weird. A lovely feeling. My parents arrived and Neil was getting changed upstairs. They chatted in the lounge while me and Neil made dinner and moved the table in the kitchen. And while we were in there, it was like we'd never spent the evening arguing and rushing about. I didn't feel snappy or grudging with him at all, which in the past I would feel for a while after big arguments. He seemed the same. In fact, all I could think of was how much I love him, and we were making cheeky comments to each other like we always do when we're cooking together, and laughing, and I was just giving his shoulder a playful bite (!!) when I noticed how lovely his eyes look when he is laughing or when he has mischief in them. They sparkle and the lines that now fan out from them more than they used to are so flattering to his face. There was no feeling of "getting over an argument" at all. I just felt so in love with him at that moment and I thought, wow we're really getting into this marriage thing aren't we?! Silly, because I don't know what I mean by that, but things are mellowing out and maturing as the years go by, with our relationship. It's less "new" and turbulent. It's like old brick, without the sharp corners. The colours soften and it almost looks warm and crumbly. Well that's how things are starting to feel. I think it must take a while for marriage to feel that way. I certainly never thought it would feel this way for us a year or so ago, when we were practically ready to give up.

So that was lovely. And we had a nice meal, and a nice evening with my lovely parents too. They are going back to France tomorrow, but they're hiring a van to take furniture back and then coming back for their car after the weekend.

Today I went to the cemetery to see Cameron. I made a little posy of flowers from two of the purple freesias, and half a dozen large purple daisies from my garden, and some greenery, and I tied the stems together. I made a little card and laminated it so it wouldn't be washed away in any rain. I wrote "I love you Cameron. Alice xx" and put three stickers on it. I have piles of stickers that I collected over the years to put on letters to Cameron. He loved getting my letters all covered in stickers, and the envelopes too, and his letters to me used to have stickers all over them too. So I put on two sparkly colourful butterflies, and a big heart with flowers on it. And then I wedged it inbetween some stems and headed to the cemetery.

His funeral flowers are still going strong!! I can't believe how well they've lasted, and his grave is still covered with them. Somebody has been there and put a glass vase into the soil and filled it with water, and there are some beautiful lilies in it at the moment. Some of the flowers that were in bunches like you buy at a florist were dying and smelling a bit naff, but the ones that had been arranged in oasis stuff were looking quite fresh still. I said hi when I got to his grave, and I talked to him a bit about how I miss him and how weird it is to come to the cemetery to see him. I wandered around a lot more this time. I took a walk to see if there were any containers at the water points that I might use for my flowers so they would last longer at his grave, but I couldn't find any, just a flower pot but that had a hole in the botton. I put them in it anyway. And I took a long walk round a large part of the cemetery, just looking at gravestones like I used to. I like doing that, I always did, but it's kind of weird with someone I love buried there now.

Nothing felt real this time, it was all a bit over my head. I didn't feel weepy or numb, it was just like I was there but not really connected to why I was there, so it didn't bother me very much. It felt weird. In a way it felt like maybe I am getting used to the fact that Cameron is dead, and that his body is there at the cemetery and that's all I'm visiting. But - this will sound silly - I didn't like that feeling at all. I preferred pain and sorrow, because this nothingness is more like I've forgotten to hurt over him, and I don't like that feeling. I don't feel ready to stop being sad that he's gone - in fact I feel like I am betraying him to stop crying and start being okay about it all like I was when I visited him today. I didn't like it, which is crazy since I've been hating the hurt and the numbness soooo much. It's been so hard to bear, and so I should be loving this in comparison. But I don't. I feel like I would rather be feeling the pain than moving on. I don't want to move on. I know I need to, but I don't want to just yet. I want to hang on just a while longer, whether that's unhealthy or whatever, because I absolutely cannot justify alllll my immense love for Cameron resulting in three weeks of pain and then being all "Okay then!" after that short time. It doesn't justify the depth of my feelings for him, and I won't let go of that just yet. I feel guilty letting go this soon, no matter what you guys might tell me after you've read this. It won't make any difference, I am determined not to stop mourning him yet. That sounds a bit of stupid thing to say, but I didn't like how things felt slightly normal today at his grave. It scared me somehow, and I don't want Cameron being dead to feel normal yet. I miss Cameron, and yet I feel scared that it's slipping away and that I'll stop missing him. I know it's normal for the pain of grief to ease after time, but I'm scared that it's gonna be this soon, and I don't want it to be this soon, even though it's horrible when it hurts. Because I want to.... I don't actually know what I want. I don't know why it scares me or what I want to gain by staying sad about his death. It just feels out-of-control scary if I let go and carry on with life, without thinking about him and feeling sad about how he's gone every day. He will disappear, maybe that's my fear? I feel like I'm keeping him alive by hanging onto the feelings I've had since the morning he died, and if I let those go then what's left? He truly disappears and there's nothing left to cling to. I'm scared of that.

Anyway that's how I feel about that.

Well it has been the most beautiful day today. Clear blue skies the whole day, and now the horizon is peachy-coloured because the sun has just set. The breeze has been strong and chilly but it hasn't been too cold today. The sun is still warm enough. It was the perfect day to visit the cemetery because weather like this is so heart-warming / breaking when you are thinking about someone you love.

Anyway I have run out of things to say all of a sudden. Oh I have my first pilates class tomorrow with Judith. And I phoned Sue at last today and told her how things have been going with me, and asked if we could meet to pray and chat, so we're going to arrange it properly on Sunday, but I think we'll probably meet up on Tuesday, which will be nice. Again it was weird because I feel okay, and felt silly for asking her to pray and chat with me therefore. She was still so sympathetic about Cameron, saying what a shock it must have been, and I was agreeing but feeling almost detached, like it was all fine and it didn't matter anymore. I don't like it, I don't like it, I don't like it. I would rather be hurting than this. I don't even feel numb, so it's not like my feelings of grief are hidden behind that numb wall I had in the first week or so. Where have they all gone? This can't be it. Surely Cameron meant more to me than three weeks of mourning. I can't bear to let him go like this :(

Recent entries.....

Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24
Update - 5th Anniversary and other stuff! - 2004-08-16
Church picnic and being happy and things :) - 2004-06-27
Barbeque at Cameron's house... - 2004-05-18
To Tara... - 2004-04-19