I'm feeling ....
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2004-04-02 - 10.41am previous entry next entry It's been a while again! But finally I have something non-pregnant to write about! I finally went OUT of the house this week so I wanted to write about that. And other stuff. The weather is sooooo nice this week - spring is here! There are buds on the trees and my daffodils and tulips are looking past their best now. I am overjoyed to see signs of spring. For some reason it felt like a lonnnng winter, and then I have been feeling so morning sick all of March, so I have a lot of incentive to get to spring! By the end of April I will be in my second trimester of pregnancy and I am soooo looking forward to that. And it just feels like forever since there was any warm summery breezy weather where the air smelt nice. Don't you just love the smell of wax crayons? I do. I could just breathe them in forever. I love the smell of stationery and art supplies. I went to the cemetery on Tuesday. I haven't been since the day we went to France to stay with my parents, in mid-February. It feels like ages. Since then I have been pregnant and stuff has happened so that I haven't been able to go to the cemetery for a while. But I have been itching to "tell" Cameron that I'm pregnant. So I went at last, on a beautiful spring day with cool breezes and warm sunshine and birds singing and blue skies, and when I got there I found daffodils in the grassy banks and blossom on the trees. So different from February. It's so tranquil and beautiful there. The weirdest thing happened. I parked my car where I normally do, past the children's graves so that I have to walk back past them all to get to Cameron's. I like to see them all. I have come to feel familiar with all the children buried there and I like to let my eye rest on each grave and it's marker as I pass them. I walked up the row slowly, looking at each grave, and as I did, from the very first one I passed, I had this amazingly weird feeling inside. I felt completely "aware" of my own baby inside my body, even at this early stage. Not literally physical, but I felt like I could almost feel or hear my baby's heart beating inside me as I walked past those children whose hearts were no longer beating. Just a strange awareness. It occurred to me that I have never been a mother before, when I walked past the children's graves. And now I am, in a way, for I have my own child growing inside me now. Somehow it made things feel very different. Everywhere I go now, I feel like there are two of us. Nobody knows yet by looking at me. I love it! But sometimes, like at the cemetery, it feels so strange and unfathomable. Especially when it's somewhere so poignant. Anyway, I came to Cameron's grave and it looks just the same. The photo of me with him on my wedding day is now sitting displayed on some earth in a little flower pot :) I wished I had taken him some flowers because the ones in his vase were past it and wilting all over the grave. But he has some nice flowers planted in his earth so that's good. I told him, "I'm going to have a baby!" and then I was hit with this feeling of, what if he already knows? I just felt like he did, if that's even possible. I don't know what is known and what isn't in heaven, but I reckon he knows. If knowing stuff about life on earth is even relevant after you die. But if it is, then Cameron knows I am having a baby, and he probably knew before I even got pregnant. That idea completely deflated my excitement at "telling" him!! But I like the idea that he knows. Maybe he even met my baby already? Okay that's a bit deep! But who knows? I chattered away about the baby to him anyway. I know he can't hear me but I don't care. It feels nice to talk to him. I miss him so much. After a while I went away from his grave to sit on a bench. I was tired and needed to sit down. There was only one other family at the cemetery, an elderly couple with their grandchildren - a little boy on a tricycle and a baby in a pram. They walked round the whole place and then they left, and it was just me. I like it when it's just me. Nobody was there at all, and I was right in the centre of the cemetery, too far from the outer walls to be heard by passers-by. Songs were pressing in my head, louder and louder so that I couldn't ignore them, and it was all I could do not to sing out loud while the family were walking around. So as they left I started singing, and I sang and sang and sang for about an hour, sitting there on that bench. I sang just whatever came into my head, and that happened to be a song by Kevin Prosch called, "Come, let us return unto the Lord" I don't know where it came from, but there it was. Maybe it was all about me that day. I have been much further from God than I should have been for a while now. On Monday night I was lying in bed and for no particular reason I started praying out loud that God would draw me back to him again, and telling him how I long to be close to him and.... I don't know. I just prayed that God would restore to me the joy of my salvation. So Tuesday at the cemetery he did. God is so faithful. And at the CEMETERY too!!! What a place for God to bless me. A place where six months ago I thought I would not survive the pain I was feeling. And here I was feeling like the bench was floating, I felt that much joy. I just sang that song over and over and over till it wasn't pressing me to sing it anymore, and then another song popped straight in my head, which is one we used to sing at church a lot. It's beautiful. I want to write out the words: Lord, how majestic you are You are my everything There's another verse too. I sang this song for 20 minutes, over and over and over, because it wouldn't stop. I could have lifted my hands right there and then and had a good old praise and worship time in the cemetery, but I just wanted to sit and drink in the air and the birdsong and the way the trees moved in the breeze, while I sang. Every time I sang the line about Jesus having conquered sin and death, I got this huge surge of joy because it's true, and because of where I was while I was singing it. Wow. When I was all sung out, I walked back to Cam's grave and sang him his favourite school hymn (If I were a butterfly) just because I think he would have liked that. Then I got in my car and sang it all the way home again. I can't get over how HAPPY I felt at the cemetery, at Cameron's grave even. It felt so weird to be happy there. But good. And it confirmed to me in my heart that God is faithful and good, and no matter what pain we go through, it is never God's plan to hurt us. If we must suffer then he is right there to help us through. And to bless us and fill us with joy when we emerge from the pain. I could not have imagined ever feeling joy again when I sat at Cameron's grave six months ago, and most especially not AT HIS GRAVE, not ever. I thought maybe the feelings of pain would mellow and things might start to feel bittersweet eventually. But I thought his grave would always be a painful place. But God sat right there with me this week and blessed me with joy like I couldn't contain. Not connected to Cameron particularly, just pure joy, even standing looking at the place that this child I love so much is buried. I think God is wonderful. Wednesday evening Neil was playing on the computer and I felt like watching a movie, but I couldn't decide which one. I went to our video collection to see if any of them grabbed me, and the moment I was stood in front of them, worship songs started to play in my head so loudly that I couldn't concentrate on movies at all. After about five minutes I gave up on movies because I knew God wanted me to spend some time focused on him. It has been a while since I felt God this close and I am so happy to feel this way again. So I watched my Stoneleigh worship video in the end and worshipped along with it in my heart. I wanted Neil to go away (poor Neil!) so I could feel free to worship without him shooting planes out of the sky on the computer a couple of feet away from me. But I just watched the video and listened to the beautiful music and marvelled at my God. Thursday (yesterday) I put the video on while Neil was at work, and really worshipped God, and sang as much as I wanted, and it was wonderful. I feel like it's been a long time since I gave God praise. I haven't been to church in a while because of the complications with my pregnancy earlier on. I am really missing it actually. I wanted to go last Sunday but Neil couldn't go because he had so much of his study to do, and I felt sick and yucky and didn't feel up to driving myself there, so I didn't go. In a way it's easier not to, because whenever we DO go, it will be very hard not to tell everyone I am pregnant, and I would prefer to leave that as late as possible until the risk of miscarriage has gone down (a few more weeks). Still, I really miss church, and worship with other people around me. I love God. I pray a lot at the moment. I sing to God a lot because songs about how great he is are always in my head. God is so faithful to answer my prayers! I mean, I asked him to draw me close, and then did nothing much about it. It was his Spirit that drew me close, not my effort. I am amazed at his faithfulness to me, and mostly at his desire to spend time with me, and how he loves me. I told him I feel scared in a way, to open up to him fully, to allow him to bless me like I know he is waiting to, because I am scared of being overwhelmed by his love. Now that would be a GREAT thing, of course!! But every time I start to feel how much he loves me when I'm singing praise to him, I feel like I can hardly breathe for joy and love, and tears start pushing out of my eyes and it actually hurts, and I get scared of the feeling and back off a little. I shouldn't do that. God would never hurt me. I can't think why I should be so scared of love. I am afraid of being overwhelmed or out of control with anything, even good things, I suppose. Well I am praying about that and trying to just let go and let God love me, because wow, if he loves me so much that I feel like I'll die from it then that has GOT to be a good thing! Maybe I am just gonna have to accept that I will have to just cry if I feel overwhelmed enough to cry. Emotions scare me. Not other people's, just mine. But I need to get over that. Anyway that is pretty much all I wanted to say. Just about the cemetery and that God is wonderful. I think I will write more again soon because as I get out more, I will have more to write about because going out is a distraction from my giddy world of pregnancy! :) |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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