I'm feeling ....
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More to follow....
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2003-09-29 - 9.30pm previous entry next entry All change. Since I wrote earlier, that is. I felt like I turned a corner today, or from last night maybe, but I guess I am not on a road with a bend in it - I am actually in a maze with a lot of bends and turnings that don't necessarily lead to the way out. I didn't go out today after all. I DID paint the door with three coats, but only on the ends so I have more to do on that another day. I put some laundry on. Neil got on the MSc course - well done Neil!! He is officially a student again, which he says feels very weird! We are getting a new PC later in the week, maybe tomorrow or the next day, I'm not sure. Judith phoned me today to ask if I wanted to meet her for a coffee or something in town. I said yes because I am not good at saying no, but then I realised I really didn't want to go out and be chatty, so I thanked her for the offer but said I had things I wanted to do in the afternoon. Which I did - I was planning to go shopping for food and finish the door and take a bath. Not much, but that's what I wanted to do. She was really nice and said she had just wanted to make sure I wasn't alone too much while I was trying to deal with Cameron's death. That's so lovely isn't it? But in the end I didn't even go anywhere. I did do the door and I took my bath, but I didn't go out. I feel bad because Neil left me the car and everything, and also because I haven't been out since Cam died, except for church. I should go out. I just don't want to. I talked to Neil a lot this evening. I don't know what to do about going to see Cameron's body at the chapel. Right now I just feel I can't bear to, but I think I will want to see him in the flesh as it were, to say goodbye properly. I know that's what the funeral's for, but it's different just me and him in a room - I know he's not really in there, but it's still him in a way. I can say goodbye more intimately that way. So I think it would be good to do that. But partly I am scared to, and partly I am sure I can't cope with the emotion of doing it. So I don't know. I have a week till the funeral is likely to take place, so maybe I'll feel differently later in the week. I seem to feel differently every few hours or even minutes sometimes. Today is not a crying day, it's much more of a numb day, although I did feel quite normal earlier which was nice. How I wish it was all just a bad bad bad dream though. If it was and I could wake up, I would be round Cameron's house like a SHOT. I would just throw some clothes on and go. I would not be able to get there fast enough to fling my arms round him and hold him close to me and kiss the top of his head. I would visit him all the time. I would talk with him for hours like he used to like me doing, and I would not go home when I felt tired or wanted to do something else or have some dinner or something, like I used to when I visited. I would phone him, all the time, well every week anyway, to catch up on his news. I would tell him how much I love him without getting all worried that he was getting a bit old to mind me saying that so openly anymore. He wasn't though. He was never like that. He was a child who was sensitive and open and mature beyond his years. He was never squeamish about hugging me or saying I love you or anything. A lot of boys aged 11 will be funny about that, but not Cam. He was special. He had a lot of love for people. So I would tell him I love him - I wish I had told him that the last time I saw him. I don't know what else I would do if it really was a bad dream. I would just want to be near him and tell him what he means to me, that's all. And show him that I love him. But it's not a bad dream, it's real. So I can't do all that. I am still grateful to have known him and I am still trusting God, but it just feels so awful that he's gone, and all these things involving saying goodbye to him are just so painful to deal with. I feel like a kid who is on a ride and I don't like it anymore, I don't like it one bit. I want to get off, and to make matters worse, I just realised that the ride is never ever going to stop. Which makes me feel closed-in and frightened and out of control. I don't want the ground to keep moving so stomach-lurchingly all the time - I want to stand on steady ground and be still again. I want things to be like they used to be, not like this. I know the time is right for Cam to be with God now, but I wish it was different and that he could be here instead. I'm gonna read last night's entry again, from when everything seemed so much better, because maybe it will help. Thanks so much to those of you who have let me know you are thinking of me or praying for me, or just to say something sweet about Cameron. It means so much to me, I can't even tell you. I feel somewhat without walls since Cam died, so your support is greatly valued. I have Neil and my family and God and people at church who I choose to let in, but just supportive messages and things make so much difference. I feel like a lot of people are avoiding me which feels a bit odd / hurtful, but maybe they are trying to be sensitive or something. More people said "happy birthday" to me this year than those who have dropped me a note about Cameron, even though this is a far bigger and more significant event in my life than a birthday. So I don't understand people. Maybe it's easier to say happy birthday than to get into supporting someone when a little boy has died. Or maybe I lost a lot of readers and emaily people since my birthday! :) I have to eat dinner now. And things are gonna be okay. I'm not sure how at the moment but I know they will be all the same. If you have a moment and you pray, please pray for April's little boy, Lucas. His temperature has been 105° for days and she is so scared. And Poppy, who lost her uncle this morning. |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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