Great Christian Diaries

2003-08-29 - 2.45pm  previous entry  next entry

Thanks so much Helen for your encouragement in my guestbook! It's great to get feedback :) FRANCES!!!!!! Thank you so so so much for signing my guestbook!! It IS me, and how glad am I to see you well enough to type a guestbook entry!!! I have thought about you so often over the last couple of years, and seeing your message made me all teary/grinny :) Please let me know your email address so I can get in touch, I can't wait to hear how things are going for you! Yay!!! :D

Wow, the last few days went by fast! I couldn't really update because my MIL was staying in the room with the computer, and during the day we were busy or I felt kind of odd rushing off to spend hours on the computer!

Well, I finally changed my poll!!! The summer clothes one was interesting because I had 46 votes which is my record I think!! Probably people voting twice because they were thoroughly bored with it still being there or something! But anyway, it seems most people like to wear shorts or jeans with a t-shirt, or else a summer dress, when it's hot. How very normal of you all! Mind you, some of you voted "nothing" or "a bathing suit", so that evens it out a little! Anyway, the new poll is terribly thrilling, but I just get curious about when people have had enough of summer weather. Today it's raining heavily and it's quite cool for August, but I am finding it really nice, like I have been waiting for autumn to set in. I have actually loved the summer this year, even with the record temperatures, which is unusual for me. But I still look forward to crispy mornings and the prickle in the nose when you breathe frosty air in. Mmmm.... But yay for summer, I've enjoyed the summer! :) So anyway, are you ready for wintery weather, or are you sorry to see the heat die down? Vote away, and I'll try to change it sooner next time!

I have had a good few days with my mother-in-law. On Wednesday we hit the local charity shops. She is really keen on shopping at those, and since I found some seriously nice clothes there this year that hadn't been used and yet were only a couple of pounds, I like them too. Our local high street has five of them, all really well stocked with different things, so we spent over 2 hours there!! I found two pairs of jeans that fit me, both looking completely new, for £3.99 each. Yay!! Finding jeans to fit me is a hard task. I guess I am not a "normal" shape or something. My legs are so short, but I am too curvy for the Barbie-shaped small jeans (!!). Anyway, I found an M&S pair and a Next pair that fit me fine, so I was really pleased. Plus I got four books. The Railway Children, because I don't seem to have it, and I love that story. It was 25p. And some short stories by Rosamunde Pilcher (love her writing), and a hardback dressmaking book, complete with patterns (for 80p!!!), and Sheila Kitzinger's "How to Breastfeed Your Baby" - hardback for 75p, and it doesn't look opened or anything! I am so pleased!! :) Oh and a little top that goes well with the jeans.

Then yesterday we packed up a load of clothes that we've been setting aside for charity for the past year, and Neil's mum and I took them to the shops we had just bought from! Today we went back AGAIN, because Neil's mum said she wanted a blanket she had seen in the Marie Curie Cancer Care shop. So we just dropped back in, and wouldn't you know, a ton more jeans had arrived in my size, so I just had to try them on (!!!), and I came away with two more pairs (one never worn), for £2.99 each!! Yay, I am soooo sorted for jeans now! I don't think I will need any more jeans for years. Normally I have the 2 pairs of blue jeans (which I live in), and one is always in the wash while I wear the other, and they wear out really quickly because I just always wear blue jeans. So it's really nice to have quite a few pairs, and they are all different too, some are really faded and others are dark denim with a different cut. But they all FIT ME, yay!!!! And two of them have never been worn. Oh yes. Very happy.

Last night Neil's mum went to a Christian conference (which is sort of why she came down) in London, and Neil picked her up late at night. I hate him driving into London, it just feels not safe somehow. But I prayed and they came back fine, so phew! Thank you Lord! I have had loads of chats with Neil's mum while she's been here, and learnt a lot about how she brought up her kids, and lots of little things about her experiences and thoughts. That was really good. I've taken some of them in for myself, and others I've put aside for one reason or another. She is Scottish, and she has one of those soft voices which, combined with the accent, makes me want to listen to her talk for ever, so I have loved our chats. She calls me "little lass", probably because I am the littlest (of stature!) in the family. I like it though, it's endearing and sweet! :)

We had our Relate therapy on Wednesday, and I picked Neil up from work. His mum didn't know we had therapy so we just told her we were having marriage counselling, not that it was about sex. She said it was such a good idea for couples to have some form of marriage counselling, and she wished she and her husband had done so early on in their marriage, because they have had so many communication problems as a result. I am so proud that Neil and I have such excellent communication now. Our therapist is so pleased with us every week! She says in her line of work, she doesn't come across other couples who communicate so well, or who take the initiative so readily, instead of coming to her to ask what to do all the time. She said we should be really proud of ourselves, that we are doing so well, and that the way we handle things now bodes really well for our future. Yay! I really am proud of us. On the practical side, things are going great, which is so encouraging too.

Cheryl did pick up on something that I might still need to deal with, emotionally. She isolated some anger in me that I hadn't really given much thought to. I know it's there but I didn't really think it was a problem. It's sort of linked to the abuse/assault when I was seven, but I have done a lot of "dealing" with that situation, and I feel like I am okay with that now. Pretty much. I have done lots of praying about it too, and have forgiven the person who did it completely. So I think that is dealt with before God and that's good, but I will pray about it some more all the same. But surprisingly I seem to have a lot of anger regarding my treatment for my childhood kidney disease. There was a lot of painful invasive stuff that involved being exposed from the waist down for an entire medical team to inspect and hurt me with implements, and as a child and young teen, that was hard for me to handle. I guess I just saw it as a health thing and something that was necessary. I mean, it was definitely necessary or else my life was in danger. But I never considered that I have anger and hurt about it, and when Cheryl asked me more about how it made me feel, I realised how angry I am that people "invaded" me like that. It wasn't assault or abuse, but it has left me with a lot of the same feelings that came with the times I genuinely had to deal with those things. I never expected or considered that, and I think if I had, I would have quickly shoved it away again and thought it was stupid to have feelings like that about medical treatment. Anyway, Cheryl says I need to get in touch with those feelings and acknowledge them, and "deal" with them so I can move on. It wasn't sexual but it has kind of been getting in the way still, in that area, so I do need to sort it out if I can. I am going to try to do that while Neil is away this weekend. I don't feel anything now, but during the therapy session, I felt so so so angry like I wanted to hit out, and like I needed to cry. So I need to get that back I guess, and let it out, and then pray and find healing from God over it all. And then I hope things will be better. I am not crazy about dredging up painful emotions, but I desperately want anything out of the way that might hinder me or us in any way, and I know those emotions are there, so I will try.

Hmmm, let's change the subject! That's a bit weird and personal, and it looks kind of odd just written there without much feeling amongst charity shopping and new poll stuff!! I am funny like that. I seal my feelings off so that I seem to be able to chat away about stuff that is painful without any particular emotions. One of my therapists once commented on that. I can chat about sexual abuse like it's today's weather, face to face. I am completely open about such things, and I never feel awkward or embarrassed talking about personal issues, but I guess it should make me aware that I should not be guarding my emotions so closely. I developed a strong "shove 'em down" muscle in my teens I think, and it's hard not to use it when that's what you're used to. But I am sooooo much healthier emotionally these days! :) Plus I am just an open person anyway, so that will account for some of it. God is so good to me, he is just lifting things off me layer by layer, and I feel so free. Yay for God!!! :)

Well what else can I write about before I finish? Neil and his mum just left for Yorkshire :( I came straight here to write my diary when they left, because I felt a bit sad and lonesome (out come the violins!). But not in a bad way at all. I am soooo fine on my own when Neil goes away, and that is so cool because of how difficult I used to find it when we were first married. I am happy with myself and God, and I am not afraid of anything like I used to be. I sleep well and I have time to just be me, and do and eat and sing whatever I feel like whenever I feel like it. I have been ultra-close to Neil lately though, and I just feel so in love with him. I am not clingy, but I just can't wait to see him at the end of the day, and I can't get enough cuddles because I love love love to be physically close to him all the time. He is so lovely. I love him so much. He is so kind to me all the time, and now I don't know who I am without him. But I like that. I like that he is part of me and together we make up an identity. My identity is my own, but he is part of it, and we can't be seperated because it's all too mixed in now, like the ingredients of a cake. How can you seperate butter and sugar once the cake is baked? I like that analogy for my relationship with God too. Wow I love my husband so much. Way too much to explain in writing. And that is so unbelievably wonderful because of how far we've come since things were so difficult. I think I have never enjoyed being with Neil so much, not even in the early starry-eyed (!!) days of our relationship way back when. Marriage is good! God is good! And my husband is precious.

So I hope they drive safely in this rainy weather all those hours up to North Yorkshire. He is coming back on Tuesday. I can't wait to see him! And he only left 20 minutes ago!! :) I have a ton of housework to do which I am happy to get on with, and then hmmm, I think I will sit back and play the Sims a bit this weekend, because I haven't really had much chance to just have nothing to do for a while. I have things I could be doing, and I have a load of emails and things to catch up with online, but I just want to kick back and do nothing for a while I think. But I will definitely get to them soon!

Neil has the car and - oh! We sold the Honda the other day!!! We were expecting someone to charge us to tow it away, since it's on it's last legs and it seems to be too old for anyone to want to buy it, but the other day I phoned a car place and they came and took it away, and paid us £40!!!! Yay!! So, one down, one to go! We are placing an ad for the Citroen in the church newsletter though. If someone can afford to fix the clutch then we'll give it away. We could sell it for a couple of hundred, but we feel like God is asking us to give it away. So we'll see what happens there. I have already phoned two people at church and offered it to them, but one had just got a new car, and the other couldn't afford the insurance :( So we'll put it in the newsletter and see. And then when that one is gone we will just have our new car which will be nice for the driveway not to be so loaded up! But anyway, I can't use the Citroen because it needs fixing first and also I am no longer insured on it, and Neil has the new car, so I am without transport until Tuesday. I am going to phone around to see if anyone can give me a lift to church on Sunday, because I am doing the kids' work again (the last one). Hopefully someone can give me a lift because we now live very out-of-the-way from church and it would mean two different buses (on a Sunday schedule) and a long walk at the end to get there. So hmmm. If I need food shopping, I can get the bus to the high street though, so that's okay. And it's only till Tuesday.

It was my Daddy's 55th birthday yesterday! My present was the only one that arrived on time, because the postal service from England to France seems to be completely useless. I had already discovered this earlier in the year when I tried to send his medication, so this time I posted his present and card before we left for camp (almost 2 weeks early!) and it got there in plenty of time. I phoned him while they were having breakfast, and it was so nice because he said his present from me was on the table, and then he handed me over to Mummy while he opened it. I could hear the wrapping paper getting torn off it and Mummy was describing his expressions, etc (!!), so I felt like I was almost there with them. That was such a lovely feeling because I miss them so much. I told Daddy I love him. I love telling people that. I'm sure it gives me more joy than them! :)

Well I think that's it for now. I need some lunch so I'm going to go and have some. And then maybe I'll read or something. It's nice to have the house quiet and still, and it's nice to have the chance to wind down from camp, which we didn't really get because Neil's mum was here so soon afterwards. I hope Neil will be okay. It's gonna be really stressful because his dad is in poor shape, and I know Neil finds that so upsetting. The family are still praying for healing and their faith is so amazing, but they have also paid for his funeral because they don't have the money for it all in one go, so they have been paying in installments for a while. It's such a weird and disturbing time for them. I hope I can be a good support for them all, especially Neil.

Okay I'm going. But I'll update again soon! Hope everyone is okay. xxx

Recent entries.....

Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24
Update - 5th Anniversary and other stuff! - 2004-08-16
Church picnic and being happy and things :) - 2004-06-27
Barbeque at Cameron's house... - 2004-05-18
To Tara... - 2004-04-19