I'm feeling ....
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More to follow....
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2003-09-27 - 9.03pm previous entry next entry Thank you again for such loving messages and emails. I am not great at answering right now but I am so grateful. Thank you so so much. *hugs* Today is a really different day to all the others since Cameron died. There's chinks in my armour and it's like one chink appears and then another, and another and another, and it just gets more and more frequent until the whole thing crumbles. I slept badly and all my dreams were fragmenty and weird. I'm so surprised Cameron hasn't been in any of them yet. Yesterday evening was the first time I got upset looking at Cam's photos. Today I have been crying like a funny on / off switch has been fixed to my heart or something. I expected something to "hit" me like everybody says with grief, like the phrase - "It's hasn't hit me yet", but it's not like that at all. I feel exactly the same. It doesn't feel like anything "hit" me - nothing has happened to give me some huge revelation of immense sadness or anything. It's nothing like I expected grief to feel. It's nothing like when Grandmummy died. I was sad then and it hurt that she'd died. But this is so completely different. I feel like a part of me died and it's not just how I feel at the moment, it's like it will never come back again and the scar tissue it left behind will always ache and never heal. I feel okay with things one minute, numb and detached like I have felt since he died, and then the next minute I am crying and crying. And then I mop up and I feel fine and detached again and I can laugh and chat normally over mundane stuff with Neil. Except that's another thing, mundane stuff is making me irritable and angry today, like I'm so cross that anybody bothers with stuff like that when my boy is dead. Right now is a crying patch. I have had six or seven of these today maybe, and I just cry till I'm drained and then carry on with something normal, and feel like I can't remember how much it hurt when I was crying. It's all so weird and not like I expected. I can't stop crying at the moment. Neil is out fetching a video that I need as part of my thing for the youth group tomorrow. Today I have been planning what to do with the youth group tomorrow morning at church. It has been so hard. I feel like I want to talk with them about Cameron and about God's place in unexpected situations and suffering, and about life and death, and faith. I want to know what THEY think about it, and I want to tell them how much I trust God and how things like this, which hurt me so much, just make me love God all the more and trust him more. I don't even know why that is at the moment, but that's what is happening. I just trust God and love him. So I'm meant to be following a set course for the youth group, and following it in a book. But if I do the thing about Cam then I'll be abandoning that book. I don't know what's best to do, since I have so little experience, and the only thing I feel is that God's poking me to follow my heart with these kids. So I phoned Sandy, a wonderful lady from camp who is so good at being real and honest with young people about God. It was harder than I thought, to tell her about Cam and to ask for help. She was wonderful. We chatted for 40 minutes and I felt so much better about just chucking the book and talking from the heart about Cameron and about God. But I felt I should call Paul, who is one of the kids' dads and who oversees the youth work. So I phoned him. I had to explain afresh about Cameron, and then state my dilemma. He was very kind about Cam and also very encouraging about my idea, but said that maybe I should phone Anna, who recently took on the role of leading the youth group, I mean she takes charge of the course we're working through and Paul oversees. He didn't want to make a decision for her when she was new to the responsibility so he suggested I call her. He said if she wasn't there I could always call him back. So I called Anna but the message thing was on. So I left a message saying I needed to talk to her about leading tomorrow's youth group. When I put the phone down I just got overwhelmed with crying because suddenly it all just felt too hard. I hadn't realised how draining it was just having to call person after person and have to explain about Cameron and hear their sympathy and sort of ask permission to talk about him and then get passed onto another person and have to do it all over again. It just felt too hard, too much, and I didn't want to deal with anything anymore. Nobody meant to pressurise me at all, it's just how it turned out in the end, and they were perfectly right to suggest I call someone else. Since then I had a couple more bouts of crying and when those weren't happening I have pottered around. I haven't done much really. I've spent most of the day thinking about or preparing tomorrow's thing, but I am seriously doubting it all now. I phoned Anna again just now, a few hours after I left the original message, and she's still not answering, so I left another message saying I needed to talk to her pretty urgently, and maybe I'd call again in another hour. It's 8.30pm now though, and I feel exhausted so I don't know. I phoned Paul back right after that, and his wife answered. He had popped out and when he came back they were going out with friends for the evening, and she asked if she could take a message. I started to explain that I'd called Anna - urgh, why does this have to be made so difficult? - and Paul had told his wife about Cam which I'm really glad about because it meant I didn't have to step around the subject or explain it another time. She was so nice about it. I told her that I would prepare both the book and my own thing about Cameron, just incase I needed a back-up on the day, and she asked if I was okay with that. I said I don't know, because I really don't. I am having some doubts that I can do it tomorrow, whether it's talking about Cam or not. It all just feels too hard right now, even though this isn't how I felt earlier. She said it sounds like I shouldn't be doing it at all, like I could do with taking a week out from doing the youth group. I feel a bit like that too right now. But who could possibly take over at this late stage? Plus I told her that it felt like it would be easier to do it this week than to be on the rota next week or the week after, because then I would have just been through the funeral. She was so nice but there wasn't much she could say really. She said she'd pass the message on. I put the phone down and bawled because it's too hard again. Why did he have to die? Ohhhh but not that I am blaming him, I never never would, it's just that I wish everything was like it used to be and that he was still happy and alive and laughing and I could be too instead of feeling like this. Now I am up here flooding my nightshirt with tears and getting tummy ache from sobbing, and wailing that I want my boy, even though he isn't mine, and feeling like I can't take feeling like this another second. It's emotion like I never expected really, like it takes me by the shoulders and shakes me for all I'm worth - I can even feel the grip - and then stops for a while which leaves me feeling a bit dazed. Another weird unexpected thing is that I seem to be able to do normal stuff while I cry - I don't have to stop and sit and do my crying until I'm done like when I normally cry. I just carry on and it carries on too. I haven't got dressed today. It's not a big deal because it's Saturday and I haven't been out anywhere or had much to do, and I don't want to give the impression that I'm not coping or anything! It's just comfy in pyjamas, and comfy is good right now. I received the most lovely card from Nim today - thank you so much Nim! It was so odd to receive a card in the post about Cameron. All of this whole thing is so so so odd. Neil has worked on fixing locks to our new front door today. He is being so lovely to me. I think he is anxious about doing and saying the right thing. He is kind of apologetic around me and he is probably having a rough time of it because I seem to be kind of snappy with him today. Poor Neil :( I appreciate his love and support so much. But when I cry he reaches for me and then I just prickle up and get cross so he jumps back. Urgh. What is that? And he talks about normal stuff like the door and how we are getting a new computer because he's got an interview for an MSc course on Monday which they have told him is just a formality, but I am just so on edge with him. I don't care about the stupid door or the darn computer. I don't care about much at the moment except Cameron and for some reason my kids in the youth group. When I think of them I get tearful as well, and I can't understand why. I did watch Fame Academy and the end of Pop Idol with Neil this evening, and it was all okay and normal while I was watching that. It didn't feel trivial (even though it is) because, I don't know, I guess I was distracted and enjoying it or something. But things have been more difficult since then. Urgh, it's all so weird and draining. I am positively frightened of the funeral because if things hurt this much now, how on earth am I going to cope at the funeral? Also I feel so selfish being so "me me me" about all this. I can see it even as I'm doing it. The funeral for me will probably be a piece of pie compared with Cameron's family - his poor mum. I can't imagine how hard this is on her. I just can't imagine. God help me to reach out to others instead of reaching in and getting too self-focused. I don't want to lose what you're all about. Help me love like you do. |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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