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2004-06-27 - 6.53pm previous entry next entry I have just realised how I never updated after that grumpy entry! Ugh, I am sorry about that, because what a horrid entry to leave on the opening page of my diary! Plus it wasn’t “me” at all. It was completely hormonal and it didn’t last more than a day. Phew! :) Thank you so much for the guestbook messages with wise advice and healthy reminders! And thanks Lois for the advice about the TPS – I will definitely follow that up so we stop getting so many sales phone calls! Well I am not sure what to write about, but I just wanted to follow on from my previous entry to say how happy and blessed I am. I have these hormonal times now and then, and I’m just so thankful they aren’t constant or regular because I read with pregnancy it could be quite normal if that happens! But I am generally happy and fine, and occasionally I get stroppy for a day or two, or super abnormally irritable, or evvverything makes me cry and I’m highly oversensitive to everything. But only ever for a day or so, and that’s a relief! I guess my hormones must be generally rising steadily, and when I get weird moods that I can’t seem to control then I must be having a bit of a hormone surge or something! I don’t know. But anyway, things are very good in my life at the moment and I am very happy! :) It’s raining and thundering right now, which I absolutely LOVE. We went to church this morning and then we all went straight on to a church family picnic in the park. It was soooo nice. The weather was lovely and we just sat on a patchwork of dozens of rugs and blankets, and everybody brought too much food and shared it with everybody else, and it was just lovely. I wore some pretty summery maternity jeans and a top that flatters my bump, and today is the first time I have been big enough to fill those jeans, and people complimented me on how I looked and I just felt…. blooming. And wonderful. And isn’t it funny how all the difficult early part of pregnancy is just magically erased from memory when you get to the blooming wonderful stage? I love it. This morning in church I enjoyed the worship time so much. I only stood for one song because I get tired standing up and singing, but sitting down I sang with all my might and it was so lovely to sing and sing and sing and hear everyone else’s voices all soaring around me. Lovely. In fact I feel kind of throaty since then, so I guess I’m not used to singing so much! I think it was really good for us to spend time socialising and chatting with people at church, at the picnic. We haven’t really been at church much this year what with morning sickness and bleeding and so on, and so we feel a bit out of touch. But that’s why the picnic was so nice today. Also I made an effort to chat with mums and families who I don’t normally chat with a lot, because I am about to have a BIG thing in common with them! So I do want to start making closer friends in those circles before the baby is here. I know everyone to say hi to or ask how they’re doing anyway, but it’s so nice to get to know people a bit better. They are all interested in my pregnancy though, so that helps! I love that part :) My big ultrasound scan is on Thursday this week, so we’re excited about that and hoping to find out if Bean is a girl or a boy. We’ve been looking forward to it for like 8 weeks (!!) or however long since we booked it. Can’t wait! :) I love being pregnant. Love it to bits. Other than that, not much is happening. We are going to France for the last week of July, I just booked the flights yesterday. I can’t wait to see my parents, particularly my mummy, since we haven’t seen her since the positive pregnancy test in February! Daddy came to stay with us for a night in May so we’ve seen him more recently than Mummy. I speak to her on the phone at least every other day, usually for about 40 minutes (!!) but it still doesn’t make up for hugs and visual contact! I am so looking forward to our visit because hopefully it will be a lovely break for us both – Neil really needs a holiday after his first year on his MSc and how snowed under he’s been at work. He loves it where they live. It’s so peaceful and “away” from life as we know it. That’s why my parents went there though. Anyway so yeah, a nice break would be wonderful. And I am longing for my parents to feel the baby kick and see me with a bump and all that. Mummy says she can’t imagine me looking pregnant, so I sent her photos of me at 20 weeks (which are posted in my pregnancy diary by the way) and now she says she can picture me better. It feels horrid that she can’t picture me and I have to send photos, I really miss having her so nearby. But they are so happy out there, so that is good enough for me. We are still watching our way through Friends a couple of evenings a week, so I am getting plenty of laughter medicine! I love that show. I just laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh (ad infinitum). Laughing is so nice :) Neil gets his results tomorrow for his first year in his MSc, and his exam results. His tutor says he is headed for a first, and I am so proud of him, he has done so well with work on top of that, and a pregnant wife (!), and he is top of his class. My clever hubby! :) Hmmm, what else? Oh I am surprisingly managing hot weather okay! I guess I was just being moany or pessimistic or something. I don’t feel too good when it’s hot, but oh well. That’s all. I still get through hot days fine, but then it hasn’t really been roasting hot yet this year. Well, maybe for like a week or two! Anyway it’s Wimbledon now so it’s next to impossible for the weather to be good! ;) I lovvvve Wimbledon, every year I love it. I like the sound of it on the TV, the quiet and the sounds of the tennis balls being hit, and the crowds clapping. I think as far back as I can remember we’ve had Wimbledon on TV in the house, and the sound is so soothing to me now! Plus I just love it. Tennis doesn’t thrill me that much to watch otherwise, but I love Wimbledon. I love that it’s down the road almost, and so when a plane goes over here, the sound is fading out as it starts fading in on the live game on TV. I just like that :) Ahhh Wimbledon. Shame it’s only 2 weeks. I am getting keen to swim and walk more. When I have had my scan and get the all-clear on my cervix and so on (see pregnancy diary for explanation!), I plan to start going to the local swimming pool, and also to go out for more walks. It’s so much nicer to do those things in the summer too. I love how this pregnancy has fallen in the year, winter to winter, with the summer slap in the middle. I went shopping in town on Friday which I haven’t done for a while, and that was nice too. I got really tired quite quickly so didn’t get loads done, but I enjoyed being out and didn’t feel ill or anything. And I’m back to attending church regularly and going to housegroup too, so that is lovely. I feel great at the moment. I am getting closer to God again which is wonderful. I knew I needed to just go through the motions (sort of) to start with, just to get back to church and housegroup, to get myself out there amongst other Christians and surrounded by worship songs and prayer again, and learn about God again through the sermons. That didn’t really bring the feelings back though, so I have been making a point of going forward for prayer at the end of every Sunday service, to ask someone to pray with me that God will draw me closer to him and that I will just “enjoy” God again, like I used to. I know he’s faithful and he’s gonna draw me close to him if I ask. So I am positive and expectant when I go for prayer. I don’t immediately think, “Well? Did the prayer work? Do I feel closer to God?” because that’s not what I’m aiming at. I just know that if I keep asking God to draw me close, and keep getting others to pray for me that I’ll feel closer and closer to God again, he will draw me close, and those feelings that I miss WILL come back. I’m just gonna keep getting soaked in prayer over this until I’m red hot for Jesus again! :) Until then I am going to enjoy fellowship with my lovely church family, sing songs to God that I really do mean the words to, but which I could definitely be more passionate about – though I am going to sing them with pleasure and enjoyment, not worry about whether I am being passionate enough in my heart. And also I am going to accept and seek out prayer wherever I can from other Christians. I am just enjoying being back at church. I am thrilled that for some reason I am not guilt-tripping myself, which I would normally do I think. I don’t read my Bible at home or set time aside to spend with God outside of church, but I am not going to get guilty about that because that will just add a burden when God wants me free. I am finding that as I receive prayer each week and immerse myself in church more and more, without even noticing it while I’m doing the laundry or taking a shower or something, I find myself singing a worship song. So I know God is working on me, and I know he accepts me just as I am. And I know everything will be cool. It’s Cameron’s birthday on Thursday. He should be 12. I am going to send his mum a card and I think I’ll send a photo of him playing the piano at my parents’ house when he was about 3. I think I might have posted it in the entry where I posted a page of photos of Cam in September/October? Anyway it’s so cute, and I don’t think she’s seen it. When I am this happy and fulfilled I feel so much stronger about Cameron’s death and the fact that he’s no longer here with us. I can talk about him and laugh about funny things he did, on the spur of the moment, without feeling any pain. I miss him but that’s somehow completely separate to how I feel about things we did together in the past. It’s become separatable now. That’s not a word probably, but never mind! I am going to his grave on Thursday before the scan, and I think maybe I will feel a lot sadder then, that he’s not here and that I wish I could be hugging him with birthday hugs and looking at his smile and shining eyes the way they used to when he looked up at me. A big thing like a birthday makes bigger feelings come up I think. I have been dreading it for a long time, but I think it will be okay. It’s just another day, even though it’s Cam’s birthday. It will come and go, and there will be more birthdays where he’s not here, and they will come and go too. What’s permanent and unchangeable is that I love him completely and I know that he loved me completely. And I know I’ll see him again. I can wait, even though I miss him, I can wait. I have a wonderful life to live and more children to love and live for, so I can wait. But boy I am looking forward to seeing him again, all the same! Anyway that is about it for today. I can’t think of anything else to say really, and I need to update my pregnancy diary and things. I wish I had updated earlier to say that the grumpiness was just a 48 hour hormone blip (!!), but anyway, I’ve said it now, and I’m happy and doing fine, and THIS would be a good entry to leave up for a while! But I’ll still try to remember to update again sooner this time! :) |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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