I'm feeling ....
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More to follow....
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2004-01-05 - 4.30pm previous entry next entry This is not being a happy new year. It's not a bad new year either, but for some reason I can't get happy at all, infact everything, even crazy stupid trivial things, is making me sad. I am sitting here crying so much that I can heardly see what I'm typing, and why?? Because I still can't use my email, or sign in at Amazon to buy my mum a book that she really wants for her birthday. I am not TRYIGN to make a bit deal out of nothing, it's just happening all by itself. Today feels like a whole lot of closed doors when I feel lost already. I freaked out in the middle of the night, worrying about endometriosis (see pre-preg journal for freaking-out-in-the-middle-of-the-night entry). And cried a lot reading websites. And then decided I would definitely need to make an appointment to see my doctor this morning, so I could see him TODAY and not spend the next few days driving myself crazy. I want tests and reassurance from him over not getting pregnant. But also to ask him about endometriosis. Which I may not even have. Anyway, obviously it's not too easy to get an appointment at my doctor's surgery when I am no longer eligible to go there due to having moved away ages ago. I've been using my parents home address anyway, and now they've moved and the new family who have moved there have registered with my very own GP - wouldn't you know it. So if I even try to book an appointment there will be a flag on my name because I'm not allowed to get one anymore. So I thought maybe if I tell them I NEED to see my doctor TODAY, and can't get registered with a new surgery in time, and anyway he did tell me to come back and see him about a couple of things, and he was the last person to examine me internally, so he would know more stuff than notes could tell a new doctor. I guess. So I want to see HIM. TODAY. It stresses me out to have to leave this doctor anyway. He is so understanding of me, and I've been there since I was a baby. It's hard to move somewhere new and not be sure if the doctors will be nice or understanding, or if I'll even get on with them. My doctor is almost like a friend, ever since I told him I was the student nurse who had blown the whistle on those nurses who were abusing patients. Of course he already knew about that because it was all over the medical grapevine before the press got hold of it, and he had no idea it was me. He has been a perfect angel to me ever since, and he was the only person who ever looked me in the eye and thanked me, really heartfelt, for what I did for those patients. So I hate to leave him as my doctor. But I have to, because I don't live in the right catchment area anymore. I had to phone when the surgery opened at 8.15am, to have any chance of getting an appointment, and I woke at 8.20 from a dream about phoning to make an appointment with my doctor (!!), and phoned the surgery only to find that he isn't in today. He might be in this afternoon. He's definitely in tomorrow. This should not be a big deal, but it panicked me just thinking of waiting one day. So this afternoon I got the phone book out and phoned all the (4) surgeries in my area. One didn't answer. One is too far away apparantly. Another one is not taking new patients for the forseeable future, and anyway, the lady said I am outside their catchment area (what?!! They are my NEAREST surgery!!). The last one said they can take my details but that's it for now, and if I need to see a doctor they can see me, but not as a registered patient, and not with any of my notes or history to hand. I don't know when they are taking new patients, the lady just said not now. So then I phoned my doctor's surgery again and found that my doc is in this afternoon, but only for emergency appointments. He is in tomorrow, and I need to phone again at 8.15am for another lottery of "scramble for the doctor's appointments", a bit like when you throw a few crumbs of bread into a bunch of about 100 pigeons. She can book me in on Friday though, but I said I can't wait till Friday. I really can't. I am going out of my mind for some reason. And I really really don't understand why either. I feel like I'm going mad. So then I got off the phone and cried, because it felt.... I don't even know what it felt like, for once I can't really describe my feelings. It just made me cry, that's all, like when a child cries easily at anything that seems "not fair". Even when it's not that unfair at all. It really was no big deal. But it sure felt like it at the time. Then I decided I would FINALLY try to install the replacement AOL modem we got last month, after all that palava with connecting to Broadband. It's been sitting here for weeks, and we're still using the Ethernet one that the BT engineer lent us, so it's high time I installed it and gave the Ethernet one back. So I installed it just now. EXACTLY. THE SAME. PROBLEM. AS BEFORE. No connection to Broadband at all. Can't get on AOL yet again. So I cried again. And when I mopped up, I tried to call Neil at work, but he was on voicemail so I cried again. So when I got over that, I plugged the Ethernet modem back in and tried accessing my email again and my Amazon account. Nothing. So I cried again, and when that subsided I decided to write a diary entry since there's nothing else left to do, and now I'm crying again, just because. What is the matter with me? I'm just so tired all the time and downright miserable, and I just feel like withdrawing and withdrawing, and withdrawing again, and hiding where nobody can see me. Except I want people to care about me, so I want them to ask if I'm okay and I fear being forgotten. But other than that I don't want contact with people at all. Last year was nothing like this, not even when I lost Cameron. So what is going on? I wish I understood because then I don't think I'd be so worried. If anyone at church ever contacts us it's to ask for babysitters. Which is rare in itself, but anyway. Or another rare thing is that we get asked to provide something, some sort of support for someone who is having a hard time, or some service to the church of some sort. Never demanded, but we get asked. And then what can we say, but, "Okay then"? I sometimes feel angry that nobody is seeing our pain and struggles, and nobody phones just to ask how I'm doing lately, or if I need prayers for anything. Judith does sometimes, but that's because we have started to have a friendship that now runs direct from one of us to the other, not using church as a go-between. So that doesn't count. It's not Christians not phoning me that is the problem (!!), it's church feeling unsupportive again. But then I feel bad and think, "How COULD they know to give me support when I keep myself to myself and don't let them know?" But then the next second I think, "But they DO know about Cameron, and many of them know about the general hard year last year, and a few know that we've been trying to conceive since the summer." So why are they acting like they don't? Why do I feel forgotten by them, or else like I have to be the one to make a huge effort if anyone's going to reach out to me in the slightest way. Or, alternatively, why I am being so self-obsessed and expecting everyone to focus on me me me? Yuck. I don't do anything all day. Yesterday I ate once, at lunchtime, and today I have horrible IBS which is not surprising really. I have such a headache at the end of each day from staring at the computer screen all day, whether I'm playing a game or doing stuff like this online, or just wandering around aimlessly online, having run out of useful places to go. But if I think of doing something else, there's nothing else to do except laundry. Well, the house is a tip so I should do that too, but I just want to blot it out. I am scared that I'm slipping into a pit with slippery walls so that I won't be able to climb out again. I am worried that I'm getting depressed because of my long and horrible experience with depression for all those years before, and it's been so long since I've felt that way. But I never used to cry at all when I was depressed before, and now I can't seem to stop. So maybe it's different. I hope so. I can't bear the idea of depression again. But I can't see a single thing worth doing in my life right now. And I'm not sure why I feel that way all of a sudden either. I'll probably write later if I need to. |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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