I'm feeling ....
More to follow....
It has been so warm today. I had a shower last night, and that is pretty groovy in itself because I had a proper stand up shower with HOT water!!!! Yay!! And I didn't feel ill during or after it!! This is most unusual. I was so chuffed. So today I washed and went to get dressed, and that's when I realised that I didn't bring any warm weather clothes with me (we are cat-sitting at my parents' until tomorrow). So I opened loads of windows and the back door, and I put on a t-shirt and jeans. I have too much hair. I haven't been able to go and have it cut since last spring so it's all down my back and too thick, especially when it's just washed. So I found a couple of hairbands and plaited it in two plaits like a schoolgirl!! Hehe! It got my hair off my neck which is the important thing. Amazingly my arms held up to all that combing and plaiting, which is good. It felt odd because I haven't done anything with my hair at all for a year. I barely even comb it between washes normally, it just takes too much energy. So plaits is a huge deal!!
Then, because I felt so normal in the hair department, I felt like wearing my watch and my wedding and engagement rings. I haven't done that for months either so it felt very strange. I still have them on now and it feels very awkward. I still keep looking for a clock instead of realising that a watch is on my wrist! I didn't know which wrist to put it on at first so I tried it on both.
Then when I felt nice and normal with all that done, I thought how nice it would be to go outside and pretend to be normal! But I was nervous of going out because I was starting to feel tired just having got dressed and plaiting my hair. Also I didn't know where to go. I thought I might walk down the road and back, but that seemed a huge challenge because I haven't managed to walk that far this year. Not even half that distance. I've no idea how far it is, maybe somewhere around 300 metres there and back? I might be way out though. So I fidgetted in the house for about 20 minutes, thinking, "Shall I go? Shall I not go?" etc, etc. I worried that it would be too much and that it would set me back, but then I thought that it wasn't exactly acting on faith in God's healing to hold back so fearfully. So I went!
I took £2 in cash to spend on a treat in the corner shop, and I took the housekeys and that's it. It felt like such a big deal, when I shut the door behind me I felt all squeezy in my stomach and I was kind of excited that I was actually going out to do something! And on my own too!!
But when I got down the path and closed the gate behind me, and turned to look down the road, I got scared. I could almost hear the Olympic music going in my head (!) and the road looked so long, it kind of seemed to disappear into a point and the distance looked impossible for me to manage. I stood there a moment too long I guess, because a guy kind of stared at me as he passed me, as if I looked a little weird. So I started out. I figured that I could always turn back if I felt unwell on the way. I can't believe I am saying all this about such a short distance as my road! But it is a whole different ball game after all this time and illness.
Anyway, it was really weird - I didn't know how to swing my arms as I walked. For a quarter of the road I was trying to decide when I should cross the road to the other side, as the shop is on the other side from my house at the end. And crossing the road was strange too, there were no cars but I didn't know if it was safe to cross all the same. I can't explain it. I was in the sun on the other side and it became quite a pleasant walk! I didn't walk that slowly, quite a normal pace. Near the end of the road my legs felt a bit shaky and I felt slightly dizzy but that could have been the fact that my eyes weren't used to focusing on such distance, what with being inside all the time, and also it was very bright in the sun. I began to get really excited as I got near the shop because it felt like such an achievement! I went in and said hi to the shop owner, and got a Strawberry Split ice cream. I didn't know if prices would have gone up since I was last out and about buying things like that, but it was still 65p. It was odd making a cash transaction too. I got given change for a pound, and I held it in my hand all the way back because it felt nice just to do that, so normal. I didn't eat the ice cream, I put it in the freezer when I got back and ate it later.
When I got out of the shop and looked back up the road, again the distance looked impossible, and I felt a bit nervous, but I couldn't just stay there so I came back. My legs were a lot more shaky by the time I got home and when I opened my fist to examine my change nearer the house, my hands were shaking too, but I DID IT!!!! I was so pleased with myself! It wasn't just the physical thing, it was a kind of mental block before today about going out. I'm so glad I was able to do that today! Thank you God!!!
I haven't felt too bad since, a bit shattered and dizzy but nothing too drastic. That's all really, I just wanted to record this amazing event!!!
Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24