Great Christian Diaries

2003-09-23 - 1.29pm  previous entry  next entry

Thanks Helen for your guestbook entry! :)

Oooh the Alpha supper with the comedian was soooo good!! He is a Christian comedian and also a magician! I have never seen a Christian magician before. He did everything with so much humour and plenty of good-natured mockery (!!), it was so so so funny, and I haven't laughed like that for ages. Laughing with Sandy at camp wasn't the same type of laughing so that doesn't count. My face ached soooo much by the time we came home, and Neil had to take painkillers for his when we got in!!! He gets headaches easily from other things like that. Anyway, it was great. This guy should be on the TV. He's called John Archer incase anyone's interested in knowing. He gave his testimony of how he became a Christian, and even during that he had us in stitches, throwing in some funny stuff about things he'd thought and done during that time. He has a great testimony. He spent most of his time binge drinking in gangs and getting into fights before God totally changed his life. Anyway, he was so funny :) We had a buffet meal which I did not stress about!!!!!! Gasp!! I always seem to stress about eating anything out of my own house, so this is a great thing!

Yesterday I went clothes shopping!!!! I dropped Neil off at work, and then got into town before the shops had opened!!!! Wow! I shopped for 5 hours. Did I buy any clothes? Nope. I did by an Enid Blyton book and some sewing stuff and a bottle of body spray. HELLO???!!!! I thought I was supposed to be becoming all womanly and therefore going out to buy GROWN-UP stuff?!!!! *sigh* Ahhh I'm impossible. But honestly, I went in every single clothes shop in town, except for Laura Ashley and plus-size clothes shops and obviously men's clothes shops and baby clothes shops (that one was harder to resist!). And I found that I didn't have a CLUE what is out there at the moment. It was a total shock, because guess what I found in the shops?? The 1980s. Really! I don't know where it's come from - I must have closed my eyes for too long or something - but it's there now: Big horizontal stripey knitted tops, hideous knitted short "dresses" which are really long jumpers with a big clunky belt round the waist, zillions of stripes and checks and plaids, black and white checks and polka dots. Yikes. AND glancing in the toy shops as I walked past, I saw rows upon rows of Care Bears!! This makes me feel soooo old because obviously I am now old enough so a fashion decade has rolled around again and I can remember the original. *groan* But oh well. I hope this one doesn't last long because I don't like the clothes! I liked the sparkly girly stuff that was in the shops a couple of years ago. Where's that gone?!! The other thing that has taken over is dirty-look everything, but mainly denim. And if it's not dirty-looking, it needs to look like it's going to fall apart with the first wash. Preferably that AND dirty-looking. Yuck yuck yuck. What IS it that appeals to ANYONE about wearing clothes that look like someone took a rough rock, dipped it in petrol and scrubbed away at your trousers until they were fit for the bin, and then put a huge price tag on them and sold millions?!!!!

I hate dirty-look denim. Hate it. It looks vile on basically anyone I see wearing it. Which is everyone, so obviously I am the one who isn't seeing properly. But just because everyone's wearing it, doesn't make it any different - it still looks vile. I like to look clean thanks. And like I washed my clothes in the last 6 months. Urgh.

Soooo there was nowt in town except for stuff that looked vile or else stuff I was glad to shed in the 80s!! I tried some dresses on but only one of them vaguely flattered me and I didn't buy it because it was quite eveningy and showy, and I probably wouldn't wear it more than once in a whole year so there's not much point. I want some normal clothes that I can wear any old time I feel like looking "womanly". I want to feel parsnipy (see previous entry for translation!) if I put a special outfit on, not dirty or so full of lines and checks and dots that my husband's eyes go funny when he looks at me!! Hmph.

So that was a bit of a disappointment. Neil says I should look in other town centres or shopping malls, but to be honest this town has a pretty good shopping centre and most of the popular shops are there, so I don't think there'll be much different stuff elsewhere until the fashion changes. Fashion makes me so mad!!! It's so annoying. And stupid. Grrrr. I even went in Monsoon and dizzied myself looking at price tags that there's noooo way I can afford, just incase they had some nice stuff with a difference, but their stuff was quite showy, and I just want normal clothes that are feminine and make me feel parsnipy. Maybe the problem is that I don't actually have a clue what I'm looking for? Well, I haven't checked Laura Ashley and I haven't had a very good look in Marks and Spencers, but the very thought that I could find what I'm looking for there makes me shudder because then I really WOULD be showing my age, hehe!! I'm gonna look there next time I go shopping, just incase. But I would be more relieved to find what I want in New Look or something. Although I'm supposed to be realising I'm a woman and being happy with that, not being relieved to find clothes I still like in a teen clothing outlet! This is much harder than I thought it would be.

But I did have a weird experience when I was out. A lady stopped me in the street and wanted to do some market research with me. I always say sure, why not, because before I was ill I always avoided them in the street or said I was too busy. Well I'm not too busy, and I appreciate life more now. I see that there's no point in always being in a huge rush to go somewhere or being eager to avoid people for any reason. So I say yes, and it's never that big of a deal. Even if it takes half an hour it doesn't matter, does it? I have plenty more hours in my day, even if I have to put off something else I had wanted to do. I have the luxury of being able to go out and have things I want to do, and the luxury of being spontaneous and arranging my time as I want. So I see no reason to shove people aside, even if they're just doing it to earn money.

So I said yes, and it turned out to be a taste test for canned spaghetti. The lady led me to a church hall where all the taste-testing was happening, and she asked me some questions to see if I was eligible on the way. Like, was I allergic to wheat, that sort of thing! She asked how old I was and I said 27. She did a double-take and remarked that I was a very young 27. Okay so you guys know people say this all the time to me, but the difference this time was that I said thank you to the lady AND MEANT IT!!!! Normally I say thank you because it seems the right response, and then kick myself because I don't feel like I'm grateful they pointed that out. I feel irritated that people are always going on about it, especially where they ask me for ID and stuff. But this time I was suddenly hit by the feeling when I said thank you - that I really meant it. When I said the words "twenty seven", for the first time it felt like a fairly big number, older than I had expected it to make me feel. This all sounds silly, doesn't it? But it's true. I feel different. Like until now I've been saying, "Oh I'm 27, but I don't care because you and I both think I'm 16, right?" and people have confirmed that, so it's been fine by me. But now I don't feel 16. Really, I think this "womanly" revelation has been quite a big deal for me. It's had quite an impact on how I see myself anyway. I realised as I walked into the hall with that market research lady, that for the first time, I don't feel like a teenager. I feel like a woman in her late twenties, which if I'm honest felt slightly scary, and I was genuinely grateful to be complimented on looking young for my age. It irritated me to be told I looked young for my age before, because I FELT like the age they saw me as. I guess growing up has irritated me, because I've wanted to stay as young as I feel and look. I would never do stuff to try and look younger, because I think that's stupid, everybody ages, and if my mother is anything to go by, you can look perfectly beautiful as your body ages without making any attempt to cover ageing up, no matter how old you are. So I'm never gonna do that.

Neil has always said I'm his "little one", and he calls me that all the time, Little One. Lately he's been saying he'll have to start calling me his little lady instead, because he says I am starting to show signs of getting older. I have faint laughter lines fanning out from my eyes that don't disappear any longer when I stop smiling or laughing. When I'm tired you can see them clearer. My glasses hide them a bit, but I don't mind that they are visible. You still have to look close to see them, but they didn't used to be there so there we go. And sometimes when I look down at my hands, if they're just in my lap or something when I am watching TV or chatting with Neil, my mind flashes back to when I was a little girl and I used to look at my mum's hands a lot. My hands and fingers and fingernails are the same shape and look almost exactly as Mummy's hands, and now that the skin has started to look less peachy, I sometimes feel like I'm looking at her hands like I used to when I was little. It's weird. But it feels right, like a circle becoming complete, so I'm comfortable with it.

The spaghetti-tasting was weird by the way. I had to taste four different brands (I don't know which ones). The last was was gross. Why do they save the gross one for you to walk away with the taste of it in your mouth for the rest of your shopping trip?!! Yuck.

We have housegroup tonight. And then Sue is coming round tomorrow to pray and chat with me, which I am looking forward to! :) And we have therapy in the evening. I slept till 11am today - I can't believe I did that! I woke when Neil got up for work but I just felt all drowsy so I went back to sleep. I had some weeeird dreams. I was being chased by policemen who could morph into strange little globs with eyes poking out of them. They were dangerous when they were globs. Poisonous or something. But I could become invisible, so I did. But it was always scary because it was so sunny that I couldn't stay in the shadows long enough as I ran away from them, and they could see my shadow even if they couldn't see me. Also I didn't know when the invisibility would wear off. I became aware of this whistling noise that was more and more frequent, like once a second, and quite regular, and it woke me up in the end - it was my nose whistling as I was breathing like I was running a marathon!!! Hehe! Ahhh the dignity I maintain in my diary! ;) I guess I was catching up on some sleep because I got about half as much the night before and then I did the mammoth shopping trip, and after that I went to the supermarket and the butcher.

I'm not sure what to do today. I could sew, because I got some new fabric, and I have done some housework already, but there's more to do so I could do that. Or I could go out? Neil has the car today, but I could take the bus into town to finish my search for a decent garment. Hmmm, but I feel a bit put off after yesterday, so maybe I won't. I could do some gardening but there's only some weeding to do. It poured with torrential rain yesterday (after I got home of course, nice weather!), but it's still warm so everything's kind of steamed up today. Oooh, I could start to move everything out of the small bedroom so we can put the new carpet down!!!! That would be exciting!! I love clearing rooms out or changing the way the furniture looks, it's so refreshing somehow. Like spring cleaning. I was well-known for it at home from when I was about 9 or 10. The music or a story-tape would go on (usually music once I was about 12) and the door would close, and I would spend a happy afternoon scraping furniture across the floor and dragging things about until my room looked completely different and I was happy with the new look. I like a new look to my surroundings every now and then. Things start to feel stagnant and stale otherwise. But anyway, that would be fun. Heavy work, but fun. Maybe I'll do that.

Last night Neil and I were talking about press-ups (as you do!). Neil does them every day these days, and sit-ups too. I decided to try a press-up. Well I must be pretty unfit because I can only just do ONE!! Starting from up in the air, I can collapse (!!) onto the floor and then manage to push myself up again, but only if my top half leaves the floor first and then my hips follow! So that isn't really a proper push-up, but oh well. Neil showed me how to do little dips instead of a whole drop down and then back up again - they are easier. I did a couple. My shoulders hurt sooo much today! I think I am becoming more unfit again. I did improve my fitness a lot when I did all that swimming, but I haven't been swimming for a few months, and I have sat around a lot more recently, so I think I must be losing some of the fitness I'd gained :( I MUST go swimming again. That worked so well at getting me fitter. I need to be fit for pregnancy. I managed the 5 hours of shopping fine, which was nearly all walking around, so that's good, but my legs are a bit sore today so I could definitely do with getting a bit fitter. Hmmm. I'll have to do something about that.

My naked photo of Neil has been banished to the bedroom :( It used to be on the fridge door, and I very much enjoyed it being there (!!), but you know what I'm gonna say don't you?! Sue came round for the Freedom in Christ appointment last week, and we were sat in the kitchen eating some lunch at the table, chatting away about this and that. And suddenly, just as I was biting into my ham and salad sandwich, my eye wandered to the fridge door and there was my husband looking scrumptious in all his glory!!!! So poor Sue - she was just in the middle of a sentence, and I leapt up like something bit me on the bottom and in one agile leap (!!) I was at the fridge, clapping my hand over the photo with lettuce hanging out of my mouth. Sue looked so alarmed!! She said, "What's the matter?!!" So I had to say, "There's a picture of Neil on the fridge with no clothes on." To which she could only say, "Oh." Hehehe! She assured me she hadn't even noticed the photo, and I put it upstairs in a drawer!! Neil was not exactly thrilled when I told him later in the day! So it's officially bedside table fodder now :( Ahhh I did like having Neil around with no clothes on during the day!! ;) It was fun while it lasted!

Well, this odd little housewife is going to go and do something useful with her day now! :) But I will be back again soon. It's so much fun when I keep up to date with my thoughts and stuff here. It becomes more difficult when there's loads to catch up on all the time. I will update again soon.

Recent entries.....

Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24
Update - 5th Anniversary and other stuff! - 2004-08-16
Church picnic and being happy and things :) - 2004-06-27
Barbeque at Cameron's house... - 2004-05-18
To Tara... - 2004-04-19