Great Christian Diaries

2004-04-15 - 12.53pm  previous entry  next entry

I went to the cemetery yesterday and it was soooo nice to go and spend some time there. I'll write about that in a minute.

But first I need to respond to a guestbook message about my last diary entry. Tara, I see you left the same message at my pregnancy journal too, so I deleted that one. If it had been a nice message I probably would have left it there, but in any case, two messages the same aren't necessary - I read both guestbooks regularly so I would have seen it without the need for a double post.

So, your message. You were right about one thing you said (and only one thing by the way) - you WERE mean, and the message was completely unnecessary, making it double mean. Thanks for signing your name though. Most people go all anonymous when they write notes like that, and that bugs me no end.

I guess you have a personal reason to be annoyed at me, because anyone who was trying to point that stuff out in friendliness would not have worded things so nastily as you did. I will not bother trying to guess at various reasons why you might want to lash out at me, since if I hit the nail on the head you will probably react by being mean again. Or maybe you will anyway because I am responding coldly to your message? Who knows/cares.

Forgive me if I'm wrong, but I don't think I know who you are. I don't think you ever signed before. Therefore I can't say, "Well have YOU ever been pregnant before?!" because you probably have and I don't know that so I can't use it in my defence. Although if you HAVEN'T, then you have no idea what you're talking about. But you probably have.

I don't really HAVE to defend myself to someone unkind like you, but I would like to try, because all of the things you said were unfounded and need setting straight (except the being mean part).

I do not for one second believe that I am the only pregnant woman feeling this way. Hello?! That would be... uhh stoopid! And I'm not. So obviously, I don't think like that. BUT, you seem to assume you know exactly how I'm feeling, and let me assure you, you don't. I don't care if you've been pregnant and morning sick before, you do NOT know exactly how I am feeling. Every pregnancy is different, and so is every pregnant woman's experience of the same stage. We are not all androids experiencing nausea to the same exact degree or coping with it in the same way. Two women who happen to feel equally as sick will experience and cope with it differently. Like pain. Ever heard of pain thresholds, as in, each person's is different? Okay well I'm being picky now, so I'll get on with it.

I can't just do that thing you "suggested", where you go, "Ohhh I'm such a deadbeat idiot (as I'm sure you'd have me address myself), thousands of pregnant women the world over are feeling exactly as I do, or WORSE, and they're doing just fine, so I should be too." That's just stupid. You can't do that. For one thing, even if that's something I can have head knowledge about, I can't for one second fathom what another woman's nausea feels like. Can you? I hope you're not gonna say, "Yeah sure I can!" because if you think you have that kind of insight into other people's physical and emotional experiences to the point where you can judge and dictate how others should be feeling and acting, then you are seriously deluded, and in danger of causing a lot of hurt to people if you act on that belief (like you did with me).

So like I said, I can't work on the basis that I understand that other women feel sicker than I do, so therefore I should count my blessings. I'm not going to guilt-trip myself like that, nobody should have to feel guilty about the way they are feeling. But on that subject, I DO count my blessings. I actually thank God every DAY that I'm not being sick, and that the nausea shows my baby is doing okay, and that I can eat and drink through it, and that it isn't as bad as when I had that really bad week or so at the beginning. If you'd read much of my pregnancy journal then you'd know I DO count my blessings, since I write this kind of thing often, even where morning sickness is concerned. But you obviously didn't.

And FYI, I am NOT being lazy by not working - man, you are really jealous of me not working aren't you?! Not that it's any of your business, but I don't work because I am blessed (and thankful) that we are not in a financial position that I need to right now. That's why I didn't go BACK to work. I wasn't working originally because I was housebound for two years feeling way sicker than this with M.E. Bedbound mostly, actually. I probably have a heck of a lot more insight than you into feeling ill and counting healthy blessings. It took me a long time to build up my body and my activities and fitness enough to be FIT enough to go back to a job or study, and by that time we were planning to start a family, so I just stayed home, because we have always planned that our children will always have a parent at home with them as they grow up. And that will be me, in our case. So no, I don't work. Lucky me. But not any weakness or fault on my part.

I know soooo many pregnant women who are morning sick and working right now, who have no choice about going to work and feeling terrible. I know lots of them through my due date groups online and things like that. I always think, "Gosh, the poor things, I don't know HOW they can manage it." and just leave them encouraging/comforting messages and pray for them that they feel less sick and are able to cope with the working day. They all say how lucky I am to not work, feeling sick and all. I know I am. I know I am better off than they are at this stage of pregnancy because of how yucky we all feel. BUT, that doesn't make my nausea any less, or my experience of it any lighter. If you feel sick, not just ohhh a bit queasy, but really sick all the time, it doesn't matter where you are or what you're doing, easy or not easy, it is horrible to feel sick. I have a personal history of a phobia of vomiting which has largely controlled my life since I was a toddler, which does not help my experience of morning sickness, but I am not doing too bad on that issue, which is good.

I think if I feel dreadful I have every right to SAY I feel dreadful and moan about it if I want/need to, ESPECIALLY in my own diary! It has nothing to do with other women's experiences of it. This is MINE, and yeah, it IS unique to me, because I can't skip over into someone else's brain and experience their nausea. I only know mine, and I have head knowledge of other people's from what I hear, and I sympathise but that should not make me beat myself up for having a difficult day here and there (or even frequently) because I feel horribly sick. I am entitled to find this difficult, because - regardless of other people finding it harder/easier - it IS difficult. For me. Right now.

If you're married, feeling unwell aside, I'm sure you NEVER have a bad day, or get stroppy with your husband for no particularly good reason, and I'm sure you must be completely immune to the effect of enormous levels of hormones rushing through your body. Oh what's that?.... You're NOT? Well then, stop picking on others who are honest enough to own up to these moments of weakness.

My husband does not put up with "crap" from me. He has a heavy load, working all day and with his study on top, and with me. Things are easier on him than when I was housebound with M.E, I used to be frightened for his health and sanity because of how exhausted he always looked and how I could not do a THING to help him. He had to do all the cleaning, laundry, shopping, cooking, everything. Sometimes he even had to bath me and wash my hair, or carry me places. He had to be there when I was tearful or frustrated as I dealt with the grief that comes with a debilitating illness. All that is a LOT for a husband to cope with. But he did. I get scared now, when I see him under a lot of pressure, or cooking for me, or when he looks tired, or when I am having a hormonal and emotional day and he does a lot of listening and reassuring. I hate to put him under pressure, even when I know I'm doing it.

But here's the thing. No matter how many tens of thousands of women are throwing up then fixing breakfast for their families, my situation right now is that I feel too sick to face food. Preparing it means I can't eat it. The kitchen is a room I feel like throwing up in. This is a naff feeling for a certain period of time, hopefully only a matter of weeks more now. And Neil is also a big boy, and able to help me out here when I feel dreadful, by preparing my food so I can actually stomach swallowing it. If he worked all day and was out all evening and I never saw him, I would have to make my own food or I'd starve, but fortunately I don't have to do that. The help is there, and I think it is okay for me to take it. Neil and I ARE in this together. We are BOTH expecting a baby.

Neil's too lovely to stand by and watch TV when he's home while I go green in the kitchen struggling to get myself and the baby some nourishment. Would any other husband? I hope not. I am sorry if anyone else's husband is as uncaring as that, and I am constantly thankful that Neil is so sensitive and caring. As you saw in my last entry, sometimes I have grumpy lapses in this nice state of goodwill and thankfulness, and start demanding when I shouldn't be that heavy about it. But hey, I am pregnant. I am hormonal. I feel sick and yucky. I am tired of feeling this way and ready for the second trimester when I will hopefully feel better. Sometimes these perfectly normal and expected lapses are going to occur.

I will try to cut Neil some slack. But you said I think I feel worse than the average woman, and that's not true. I know I don't. Or maybe if we're talking "average" then I do feel AS BAD as the average woman, since from what I am hearing and reading, my all-day nausea seems to sit about average for morning sickness - with some being sick (worse than me), and others having no morning sickness at all (definitely better than me). But I am not of the idiotic mindset that I feel worse than anybody else! I can't think what made you assume that. I do not think I feel worse than others. I just think I feel sick and it is getting wearing. And that is it. Not a crime, is it?

Well this has been long-winded and I think I have covered all the things I wanted to cover. Please don't leave me a message again, unless it's to be nice or apologise. Unkind notes that were never meant to lift a person up are things I don't care to receive in general, but particularly when I am pregnant and feeling my way in a new experience that will be emotionally and physically challenging. If you would like to encourage or lift me up, please feel free to leave me a much-welcomed and appreciated message. If not, leave me alone. I'm sorry you seem so bitter about some thing(s), but that is not my fault either, and I'm not going to apologise for any of my struggles or any of my honesty in my diaries.

Okay I feel better now :) Sorry to my perfectly innocent readers for the big long rant! With that behind me, let me get on with writing about yesterday!

It didn't rain yesterday after all, the sky cleared up again and it was a BEAUTIFUL afternoon! So I went out in the car to the cemetery. It was so lovely of Neil to just turn up with the car like that at lunchtime! He has left me the car today as well. When I feel up to going out it is lovely to have the car so I can go further away to places that are nice to walk in.

I took chocolate, extra strong mints and a fruit flapjack in my pocket, since I've recently discovered that in a pinch they seem to stop my nausea from getting unbearable. A meal is what I need if that happens, but a sugar burst seems to ease things temporarily, at least till I can get home and do something about it. So I drove out there and spent about an hour sitting on the grass (yay, first time in MONTHS that the grass hasn't been too frozen or sodden to sit on!!) next to Cameron's grave. His vase is empty, I wish I had taken flowers to put in it. I hate to see anything about his grave looking un-cared for. Not that it is un-cared for, but I hate to see an empty vase or dead flowers or anything like that. I talked to him for ages, more than normal.

While I was talking to him, remembering things we did together, I realised it has been 10 years this month since I met him. Or maybe it was late March? I can't remember. I told him all about how I felt meeting him and how I was nervous and everything! But how I am so grateful that it was me who the hospital chose to work with him, and not someone else, because my life could never have been the same otherwise. I told him he turned out to be one of the greatest loves of my life. I told him I am going to tell my children about him and bring them to his grave and let them run about and put little hand-picked posies on his grave and everything. I will never forget about him when I have my own children, and he will never lose the special place he has in my heart, just because I have children of my own who I love more than anything. Cameron is too special to forget. I told him if we have a boy, we will give the name Cameron as his middle name. I explained why I couldn't have another child called Cameron (for a first name). I told him I think it's a girl. I'm sure he knows anyway :)

When I sat back and looked around me more, I realised there were daisies EVERYWHERE all in the grass between the graves, and even growing in the moss on the roads and paths. I had this mini-flashback to when they first let me take Cameron out at the hospital. I think he was about 22 months old, so I guess that would have been late April/early May, 10 years ago. He had only just learnt to walk (he was behind in motor development because of all his surgery and complications), and he was the cutest, cuddliest, most gorgeous toddly little person I had ever seen. And he WANTED me, he wanted to cuddle me and be with me! It was bliss. Anyway, I couldn't take him out of the hospital grounds at first, so we just went out with Cam in the pushchair around the hospital grounds. Not very exciting. Until I found this little grassy area in front of the cafeteria, and I used to get him out of his pushchair and we'd sit on the grass. He'd get up and toddle about now and then, and I took rollllls of photos. There were daisies growing in this grass, and we used to pick them. He was fascinated by them. He'd hold them so gingerly between his tiny forefinger and thumb, I can see it all so clearly still. And he'd stare hard at the daisy head for ages and occasionally poke the petals with his free hand. I used to put a daisy in the velcro flap on each of his shoes before we went back to the ward, and he liked to see them in his shoes as I pushed him back in the pushchair.

So, in memory of those times, which must have been about a decade ago, I took a walk round the cemetery, picking daisies here and there so as not to leave huge bald patches (!!), and then I walked down a row of graves asking aloud, "Does anyone have any ribbon or string going spare so I can tie up these daisies for a little boy's grave?" I see graves as people, and so long as there's no-one around, I talk to them as the people they were before they died, by name usually. Anyway I got about 15 paces and from one grave there blew to my feet a six-inch strip of thin purple ribbon. I thanked the donator and tied up the daisies in a pretty bunch, and laid them on Cameron's grave as a memento to our daisy-picking afternoons all those years ago. He would probably have been too young to remember them, but I told him all about them yesterday.

I ate some flapjack, but mostly I felt not too bad in the nausea department, which was nice. The weather was so lovely. I got a good hour of sun on my face which I think my body has been craving after so long indoors and what seems like months of cloudy weather! The wind was strong enough to feel a good pressure on my skin but it was kind of balmy. Soooo lovely. This morning it is really overcast and the air is cold through my open window. But I am waiting for the sun to burn through the clouds and then I think I will go out and catch some more air and sunshine. It felt so good to be out yesterday, and the walk was good for me, so I'm going to try and do that more often. It's easier when the weather is so nice!

I read Neil my diary entry in the evening, the bit about our argument, because I wanted to read to him the bits about how much I love him and how proud I am of him, and all that stuff. I would like to tell him things like that more often, because I FEEL them all the time, I should tell him more often.

The sun is out, the sun is out!! And I'm going to eat something. I'll write again soon :)

Recent entries.....

Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24
Update - 5th Anniversary and other stuff! - 2004-08-16
Church picnic and being happy and things :) - 2004-06-27
Barbeque at Cameron's house... - 2004-05-18
To Tara... - 2004-04-19