Great Christian Diaries

2003-11-01 - 11.00pm  previous entry  next entry

Oooh it's been a few days. I think I write very often when I really need to, and then when the need isn't so pressing I forget to write more easily. Hmmm.

I can't believe it's November already. Bonfire Night is coming up ("Remember, remember the 5th of November!") but as ever it's already here - there is a huge fireworks display somewhere nearby at the moment and the bangs have been constant for the last 2 hours. There have been a lot of fireworks going off in people's gardens all week, and it wasn't even November then! It bugs me how these one-day events are now strung out over weeks either side. Soooo annoying. Especially with the loud bangs for weeks on end. Loud bangs do not impress me in the least, I think fireworks like that are just plain stupid.

If November the 5th falls midweek then there are bound to be displays at the weekends either side though, so I suppose that's okay. We are going to a fireworks display next Saturday. I got a leaflet through the door about it and thought it looked excellent, even though it is not even close to local for us. There are loads happening more locally, but this one looks seriously good. It's in the grounds of a 17th Century manor, with a lake and stuff. There are going to be human fire acts (!!) that are being kept in line with 17th Century entertainment. I think it's gonna give me heartburn just watching someone swallowing fire and breathing it out again! I feel a bit squeamish about that at the moment, but it will probably be good. I hope! That starts at 5.30pm, and then the fireworks start at 7.30. The paths are all torchlit but we have to bring a torch and good walking footwear. It sounds kind of exciting! Certainly different to other displays I've been to in the past. I haven't been to a fireworks display since.... 1996 I think? Wow that's ages! Maybe '97. I can't remember. With Neil though, so it can't have been earlier than November '95 since that was the month I met him for the first time.

We decided we would like to invite my grandparents because it's nearer where they live than here, and it sounds like their kind of thing, and we thought we'd really like to share the experience with them. So we are treating them to tickets to the fireworks display and they are thrilled to be going with us, it's so sweet :) They really love spending time with us. I love them so much.

Until my late teens I had never been to a public fireworks display because in those days (I'm so old!) they weren't that common. Bonfire Night was a family thing, and everybody got a box of fireworks from Homebase or the corner shop in the week before, and ON November the 5th we would have our fireworks display in our back gardens. Evvverybody did this. Once or twice I went to a friend's house for their family fireworks display. And you would only have fireworks on the 4th or the 6th if the 5th was EXTREMELY inconvenient for the family or something. Midweek made no difference at all, even a school night was fine, because it was always dark by 5.30 anyway so it wasn't a late night and you were at home in any case. We always had the traditional foody stuff outside on plates while we watched the fireworks. I loved making them with Mummy after school - flapjacks and cheese-baked potatoes and sausages on sticks and all sorts of yummy things. Another fun thing was going with Mummy down to the corner shop to choose the fireworks the week before. We always got a basic box with all the usual things in it like Roman Candles and Traffic Lights and stuff like that. Then we always got a couple of Catherine Wheels and several rockets seperately. We got to choose the colours of the rockets, unless Mummy had been in a rush or it got left till the last minute so she had to buy them while we were at school.

Fireworks when I was little always went "whhhhoooooshhh!" Bangs were pretty rare. Pops or crackles occasionally, but bangs were not common. These days people seem to be bored with pretty lights and sprays and crackles, and all they want is the rockets that make a single flash of white light and a bang fit to perforate your eardrums. It annoys me so much, because the whole event is nothing like it used to be and there was magic in how it used to be. Now it's just a noisy disturbing couple of weeks. I hope the fireworks display rekindles my love for Bonfire Night. No wonder kids are so scared of fireworks these days. You can hardly blame them. It's such a shame.

Well anyway, that's my Bonfire Night rant. And now onto my Halloween rant! Okay I'll try to be slightly less long-winded, but it annoys me. I like how Halloween sounds in America. I guess most people would think because we celebrate Halloween in England too, that it's pretty much the same. Well it's not. Here's a typical example: October 20th, two boys aged about 13 turn up on the doorstep with normal clothes on and cheap plastic masks over their faces. "Trick or treat" they say in a completely bored voice. "Come back at Halloween" we say, "You're too early and we haven't got anything for you yet." Do they leave? No, they argue that they are on half-term so they want to do it now. I would really like to say, "Bugger off!" but I get the same message across much more politely instead. Some of the kids in this area were on half-term that week and the rest have been on half-term this week.

Here's another one: Monday afternoon this week, the doorbell rings at 1.30pm. I open the door and there are three kids standing there, aged about 10 or 11. They are looking thoroughly bored and cold and are wearing jeans and winter coats. No Halloween efforts visible anywhere. "Trick or treat" they say, in the same bored tone we heard in the last example. I give them chocolate out of the bowl of fun-size bars that we buy for trick or treaters (always hoping we don't get many so we can eat them ourselves, mwahahaa!). They say thanks and leave.

Last year we got little groups of teenagers wearing normal clothes with no visible signs of Halloween about them, saying trick or treat whilst holding out their hands. When I offer them chocolate they look at it like I'm offering them mouldy cheese and say "Oh." disappointedly. It's so rude. Kids out here want money when they go trick or treating. I can't believe they've got such a nerve to expect it. It's only the little ones who expect sweets, and we rarely get little ones trick or treating. It's just a horrible holiday in this country. Nobody really makes any effort, except for a minority, and those that do turn up on the doorstep are dressed normally, usually way too old, often rude, and nearly always expecting money. It really sucks. So I hate Halloween. I also hate the vile stuff that's all over the TV around the same time. It's awful. But it sounds a lot more fun in America. It surely sucks here. I'm just glad it's over - except like Bonfire Night the kids turn up for at least a week either side.

Mind you, we usually get one group that makes me like it after all - last year we had three sweet little girls who were actually a decent age for trick or treating - about 5 or 6 years old. They were dressed up really well and one of their dads was hovering at the end of the driveway. They were thrilled with being able to choose some sweeties, and took their time deciding (it was so cute) and they had bags to put them in and everything. That's how it should be, but it hardly ever is here. This year I got two girls the night before Halloween, both aged about 7 or 8. I couldn't see a parent supervising them though. There are never adults supervising any of the kids who we get trick or treating, except for those little girls last year. Sucky holiday. Anyway, these two girls were dressed up great. They were polite and seemed pleased with sweets, so that was nice. But yay, November's here and it's finished.

End of rants. These are always necessary around the end of October / beginning of November, because the two holidays that happen then always get on my nerves in some way. I'm going to be a really grumpy old woman aren't I?! ;)

Well now for my news, such as it is. Therapy went well. We hit on a major breakthrough - we think. Being vulnerable with each other. We have problems doing that. I reckon it is a major cause of our parsnip problems. So therapy has turned into "go and talk about this for homework" instead of "go and have parsnips for homework" which is different. But interesting different.

The other thing I have hit upon this week was when Judith came round yesterday afternoon. We got talking about balances of things in the body and natural means to correct those balances when they go wrong. We reckon my hormones are way out of whack. My cycles are unusually short these days, and still I get an odd long one occasionally (the one I'm on at the moment, for example), which has never happened in all my years of periods. Me being the obsessive journalling person that I am, I have charted my menstrual cycle from February 1988 - my first period right after my 12th birthday. I had a gap in the late 90's but basically I can open a book and see exactly what my periods have always been like. So I KNOW this isn't normal for me. At all. And I have really bad PMS these days. Neil and I have often commented on it, over the last year or so. Normal for me used to be a day or two of moodiness, maybe occasionally a bit of a tummy ache. I never noticed cramps, sore breasts, spots, anything. But now I have quite bad cramps, boobs so sore I can't lie on my front at night, spots and pretty bad mood swings from the day I ovulate. It has been gradually creeping back towards ovulation over the months, and now I am calling mid-cycle PMS "normal", which really can't be right. I also get awful headaches the day before I get my period, and I get quite nauseous as well. My moods are very extreme before a period these days. Also we haven't been able to conceive so far, after 5 months. Or is it four? This is the fifth, and I'm sure I haven't conceived this time either.

We've stopped trying for now, but this chat with Judith made me wonder. That and how someone on my Trying To Conceive message boards has been advising me to go to the doc and have my hormone levels checked as a possible reason for difficulty conceiving. Hmmm. I haven't done that, because I felt sure they WOULD be out of balance and then the doc would want to correct it with hormones. I don't like the idea of using artificial hormones to correct hormone imbalances. Hormone balance is an incredibly delicate thing, and each person is different. But a doctor will diagnose and expect you to take a treatment that is the medical equivalent of "one size fits all". I don't like that idea. So I didn't go for a blood test. But I really have believed for some time that my hormones aren't as they should be. In fact, now I come to think about it, I have been concerned about that since..... the start of when I was ill with M.E, and that was 1999. No wait, before that even, because I went on the pill when we got married and it seemed okay but things haven't been right since then. And, oh my goodness! I'll tell you what else!! That is exactly the same time that the parsnip problems started. Exactly. I always put it down to the M.E. Gosh. IT'S HORMONES!!! It must be. I hope, I really hope, because then it can be fixed and I'm not a crazy useless wife, something was wrong with my body and when it's fixed it will be okay again. Oh I really hope that is the case.

Anyway, so I didn't tell all this to Judith, just a bit about PMS being annoying. And she was telling me about this supplement - it's Aloe Vera and something else - that is good for re-balancing hormone levels without the need for actual hormones. I was skeptical (oooh I like how that word sounds, so clipped and rhythmic!) about it of course, since there are so many "wonder supplements" out there that are just a waste of time and money. But she has been researching this other supplement made by the same people - she heard of it on Christian radio since it's been discovered by a Christian group - one that is good for building up the immune system. She was so impressed with the evidence that she is doing a month's trial and so far is managing tons more than normal (she has M.E.) after 6 days. Anyway so she also saw stuff about a hormone-balancing one while she was looking, and she has three friends who are taking it. All three of them lost all PMS symptoms the same cycle that they started the supplements, but then Judith said that one of them had to stop taking it after a while because her sex drive got too high and she and her husband couldn't cope with it since they both worked and had young children as well!!!! Wow. I neeeeed this supplement. If it does for me what it has done for these friends of Judith's, it will fix the things I am having problems with at the moment. Judith said if my hormones are badly imbalanced, it could also be why I am tired and sleeping badly in general.

So I don't care if it's gonna be a waste of money, I really really don't care about that at all! I just want to try it. A month's supply is about £25 and Judith is gonna order me some. I feel kind of funny about writing about it here because I think people might think I'm being foolish and falling for some con, but for £25 I will take my chances. It is sooooo worth a try, because the hormone issues are my biggest worry these days, what with PMS and parsnip issues and not being able to conceive yet. If it works I may be sane ALL month long (!!) and pounce on my husband the moment he gets in the door, and conceive pretty much as soon as we start trying again (that is if the problem has been with me and not Neil). So I will not regret having spent the £25 even if it doesn't make a difference. I am desperate to try. Judith is ordering on Monday. I am soooo impatient!!! I want her to order NOW! Hehe! But Monday is tomorrow so I guess that's okay.

What else? This entry is getting too long. Granny and Grandoug stopped by on Thursday on their way home from a shopping trip. They came to bring me the latest Harry Potter book which they've read and it's now free for me to read. I don't actually want to read it, but I'm too wussy to say that to them because they'll get all defensive about why and get stroppy about Christianity again. This shouldn't stop me saying stuff, but urgh, it still makes me want to not say anything all the same. It isn't so much about Christianity. I have read the other four. I just do not feel motivated to read this book. People seemed to say it was more scary and "deep". It will sound crazy to a lot of you but I don't care to have a book messing with my head, no matter how popular or good it is. My mum gets really angry if I say I don't want to read Harry Potter because she assumes it's because I'm a Christian and my whole family are highly annoyed that I am one so it fires up tempers over little things. But surely it's up to me what I want to read? And I don't want to read it. Whether it's harmless or not, I don't want to read it. I would rather focus on God. And that isn't an "I'm an anti-Harry Potter Christian" comment by the way, just to point that out because I know lots of people are easily defensive and angry if they think for a second that someone's being like that. Well I'm not being like that. I have my opinions on the Christian side of the argument but I don't care to air them here because I don't want my opinions shot down again by people who think they know better and would therefore like to put me down and tell me so.

Ohhh dear I am ranty today, aren't I? I am very PMSy at the moment. For the last few days I have been so crampy and I am back to wearing maternity bras and feeling sore, and I have spots and I've NEVER had problems with spots even in my teens, and my moods are soooo crazy. I am so irritable, and today and yesterday I keep feeling like I want to pull my own hair out because of how restless and irritable I feel. I pace around and try not to swear and stuff, which isn't like me either. But it's not good because my period isn't due for another week. So I need those pills, I tell you!

Neil has gone on the Alpha weekend away. He left early this morning and he'll be back tomorrow evening. It's a bit weird with him away, but I have been so grumpy even with myself today that I think he is in a better place! I hope he's having a good time. I have tried to occupy myself with housework, because that always seems to work better than anything else when I am hormonally challenged! Today I've cleared out a lot more of the spare room, and started putting the bed together again. I have done lots of laundry too.

I haven't been to Cam's grave since the last time I wrote about visiting. He is on my mind a lot again. I couldn't sleep last night for thinking of him. My brain was replaying the last time I saw him and what he said and what I said, and what his mum said, and how he looked and all his mannerisms and stuff. I wished and wished I could go back in time just so I'd cherish the time I had left with him more. I have been wondering about how to express my feelings about his death, and about Cameron himself. Words aren't doing it, and nor is visiting his grave and talking to him. Nothing I do seems to be tapping the extent of my feelings for him.

Last night I had this huge urge to write music to express it. I just thought it would all come out much better than in words. But I would have to write for an orchestra to express the hugeness of my feelings, and I don't know how to do that. There would need to be harmony and all sorts of instruments. I don't have an instrument here that I can pitch a note with. I only have two pages of blank manuscript paper. I haven't a clue where to begin. But the music is alllll in my head already, if I don't switch it off it runs continually. Some of it is so beautiful or heart-wrenching that it makes me have to stop what I'm doing and just listen. Is that crazy, having music in my head like that? My head just makes it up. It always has, but it always does it more when I have strong feelings. My head has always churned out jazz and classical music, rarely anything else. I think when I'm feeling upbeat it's often jazz, and if that's in my head then something on my body is always tapping in time. Usually my teeth - that will sound ridiculous! But that's partly why my jaw joint malfunction is so bad - that and biting my nails - because as far back as I remember, which is probably to when I was five or six about this particular thing, I have been banging and grinding my teeth together absent-mindedly in time to music in my head! Crazy child.

Lately when I am sad my head is full of rise-and-fall classical stuff, and if my head feels jumbled with my feelings and I don't know how to make sense of them or express them, if I just focus on the music I feel calm again, because it's all expressed there so simply and without any of the effort that words and thinking takes.

I wish I knew more how to write music. I can write it, but I just don't know what I'm doing when it comes to writing for instruments or parts. I hear it but I can't write it down. I never learned. I know I could ask Daddy to help me because he is a composer by profession, but this is my innermost thoughts and feelings, and that makes it far too personal for anyone to look at it while it's tumbling out onto paper. It would be like asking Daddy to read my diary, only somehow an even more personal diary that this one. I would love him to neaten it up when I was finished, but not before. So I'm not sure what to do about that, but it's something that I keep wanting to do anyway. I'll think about that and see what happens.

I don't know what else I was going to write, my head is blobby. Ahhhh it's nearly 11pm!!!!! I can't believe it's that late! I came up here at 5.30 to clear the bedroom a bit, and I listened to a story tape while I did that because it's soothing, and then I had no idea what time it was but it didn't feel more than a couple of hours later. Then I came online and wrote this entry, and I can NOT believe it is 11pm. I haven't eaten dinner. Tsk! Naughty Alice. I'd better finish this quick and go and cook something! I'm so bad. Sorry this is soooo long! It must be if it's taken me this long to write! The time on this page says 9.26pm, I've just noticed. I've got the car and it's church in the morning. I am so unmotivated to go these days. I am so unmotivated in general these days. I feel so bored at home but at the same time I don't want to go out and see people. My brain is screaming for substance lately. I keep getting cravings for doing brainteaser puzzles, although that is boring too, or working from an old maths textbook, or writing music - not just about Cam. My brain is bored. I need to get a life.

Oh I have work next week. I am being a typist / receptionist on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday from 9-5.30, for £7.50 an hour, and I should be thrilled but I'm not. I'm bored bored bored at the very concept of doing this job, and I don't want to go at all. I am such fun these days. *sigh*

Recent entries.....

Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24
Update - 5th Anniversary and other stuff! - 2004-08-16
Church picnic and being happy and things :) - 2004-06-27
Barbeque at Cameron's house... - 2004-05-18
To Tara... - 2004-04-19