I'm feeling ....
|
More to follow....
Unofficial Christian Diaryland Webring!
|
2004-01-15 - 3:30 p.m. previous entry next entry Ahhh I was in such a marvellous mood and I wrote a lovely stonking entry with all my newsy ramblings that spill out as I think them, and then I clicked the back button by mistake without copying the text first, and of course when I tried to get back to the add an entry page the box was empty :( I was so beepity-beep annoyed!! But pah, I refuse to lose my good mood! So I'll start again, but it will have to be a lot more brief and non-rambly because now I only have a short time before my lunch (late!) is ready. Ohhhkay. What did I say the first time? Oh yes, thank you Meg and Becky for your guestbook entries! Meg, I totally understood your meaning and didn't take any offence (sp?), don't worry! Okay I thanked people, then what did I say? Sorry about this annoying narrative, but I think straight into my fingers when I type my diary, so you'll have to listen to me wondering what I wrote next, since it's the only way I can scrunch my brain up to try and remember so that you get the news I WANTED you to get from the last attempt! Ah yes, I'm going to France tomorrow! I can't believe it's come round so fast! It's my mummy's birthday tomorrow and I'm going to surprise her by paying her a visit for the weekend!! Yay! I can't WAIT because I love giving nice surprises! She won't have a clue until I phone her in the morning to say happy birthday, just as I would if I WASN'T flying out to visit! :) I can't waaaait for the phone call. I can't wait till she realises I'm coming over that same day! Yay yay yay! But I will miss Neil sooooo much. He's so lovely. Oh yes, that's another thing I said in my last entry! I haven't updated for a while because, well, a) I've been lazy, but b) (more importantly!) Neil has been home a lot in the daytime because he has his first assignments for his MSc due this month, all at once! So he's been on the computer a lot, and sometimes all evening too. He got the first two assignments in this afternoon after staying up till 3am last night!! Another marvellous thing is something you won't know if you don't read my other journal. His sperm test results came back and he has a HIGH sperm count, and all the other things they test them for were good/normal as well, so that is very good news!! Yay Neil! Of course I am still not pregnant so that must mean something is wrong with me, but I am trying not to think about that, rather that it's just a "time" thing. Hmmm. Anyway, the saga continues in the pre-preg journal. What else? Oh yes, we went to therapy yesterday, and I am very proud to say we are finishing our psycho-sexual therapy at the end of this month!!!! Yay for us! I am so pleased, because I honestly thought things couldn't be fixed when we started it, and now we don't need the therapy any more, we are doing so well! It was such a huge deal for me this time last year. Huge. I am so proud of myself. Of both of us. We started last February so it will have been pretty much a year. I don't want to think how much it cost (pay-per session!), but whatever it was, it was well worth it. I am so lovey-dovey with Neil these days. I am in love. Ahhhh. But I really am :) I will miss Neil so much when I go to France. It will be weird to be without him closeby. Oh poo, my lunch is ready and I haven't finished saying all the stuff I said on my first attempt! Oh I'll just carry on a bit longer, because I think there was only one other subject. I popped into the hospital last week (to do with the sperm test thingy), and it was weird to be back there. I had to go past the children's ward and see the play area through the glass wall. It's so weird to be there because I have sooooooo many memories of me and Cameron there. We covered every inch of the ground in that ward and the play area outside. I mean that literally! Cam was an explorer at heart and he left no stone unturned and no corner unvisited! He never stood still. So we probably did literally cover every inch of the place, every day for a couple of years! I don't know how I felt to be back there, standing in front of the doors. It was bittersweet I guess, not awful but not nice. The world is very empty of Cameron when I am somewhere that is about both of us and he is not in the world while I'm there. I still haven't been to the cemetery since before Christmas. I think that's mostly to do with how I don't go out of the house enough. I often wake in the morning and look outside and think of going to see him (I still refer to it as going to see him, which is probably healthy?). But then I don't get round to it. I think if I was out more, I would probably arrange my plans to include a drive to the cemetery. I don't know. On the other hand, I do sometimes feel like staying away from the cemetery. I am doing so much better regarding Cameron's death lately, and sometimes I get concerned that going back to the cemetery will make the wound all raw and painful again. And that feels too difficult, so there we go. That's all I want to say about that for now. I went shopping in town this week though! It was my brother's birthday on Monday (he's 25 - nooooo, my little brother!!!) and I needed to get him a present. While I was there I found a top in the Next sale!! It's actually something that makes me feel parsnipy!!! Woohoo! It's black with little pink flowers on it, and it's sort of scrunchy and clingy/elasticated. It really flatters my shape so I bought it :) Neil likes it a lot. Then another day I went to the charity shops in the local high street, and I bought a pair of embroidered jeans for £2, and a GORGEOUS summer dress that was originally from Principles (which I avoid on principle (hahahaha) because there is no WAY I could ever afford the stuff in it). I tried it on and it's soooo pretty and it really flatters my figure (rare). It makes me feel very girlie and feminine. Me likey :) So I bought that for £8. Neither of the things I bought look used at all. I like charity shops. Okay I think that's everything. I can update from France if I have the time or feel the need, but otherwise I will write when I get back. I'm back on Monday evening, but I think I will probably be paying a lot more attention to my husband than this diary, at least for 24 hours or so! ;) |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
 |
