I'm feeling ....
More to follow....
Oh yeahhh!!! I feel so good!
The weather is beautiful again, and I plucked up the courage to go to the field like I was planning yesterday. I was very nervous about it before I went because I didn't know if it was too much too soon after I went yesterday, and also I did feel tired. But then I always feel tired, I just have to rate it and understand the depth of tiredness in order to accurately predict whether I will be able to walk 300 metres or so and stay outside for a while. It's not very easy. But I decided to go today, I could always come back if I felt ill before I got to the field, or even as soon as I got there. It is, after all, only 300 metres from my house. But that's a long way, like I said before, the furthest I have managed to walk this year.
I made a list of things to take and packed a bag, which was quite exciting! I took a hat, suncream - although I planned to sit in the shade, a bottle of orange squash, crackers and dairylea, crisps and an apple. Also my Bible and some paper and a pen, and a towel to sit/lie on. I took painkillers for if I got a headache and anti-histamines incase I got bad hayfever and felt like taking something that works as well as a piece of cardboard just for the sake of it. And hankies obviously! And I was so nervous while I was packing, it was making me tired and I was worried that if I was tired doing that part, that I wouldn't possibly be able to manage the rest. But I went anyway, and I'm glad I did.
I walked to the field feeling pretty much fine all the way, which is even better than yesterday!! The postbox is sealed now, by the way. We had no post again this morning. I hope this strike finishes soon! Once I got on the field I saw that since I was there yesterday some of the grass had been mowed which is a shame, but it was just around the edges so that was okay. I walked down the field a little way because I didn't want to be too close to anywhere that people might walk, and I was very tired when I finally sat down. The sun was too hot so I went into the shade of some trees. That was near the road so it wasn't that great, but better to be out of the sun. Anyway, I put my towel down and got settled, and I was just lying back and thinking, 'This is the life!' when I saw in the distance what looked like a big swarm of red ants coming onto the field. Infact it turned out to be practically the whole of a secondary school with a few teachers. They were wearing red P.E. kits so they really did resemble red ants from a distance! They got closer and closer to me, and for a moment I wondered if I was their target! Sounds silly but I did consider the possibility for just a moment! I started to feel panicky and scramble my things into my bag. I wondered where I should go and if it would look really obvious that I was avoiding them if I moved now. I considered that I didn't have enough energy left to move far if I wanted to get back to the flat without a problem. And by that time they were almost upon me, so I just stayed put.
I don't know why that was difficult. I think some part of me felt like a potential target for being laughed at or picked on as they passed, kind of like I was sometimes when I was their age at school. I forget that I probably look much older than them now, even though I don't feel like it. They all trooped past me, chattering and laughing with each other, some of them running and chasing and playing about. They passed right in front of me, the whole school, about 2 metres in front of me, and because there were so many of them it took ages. Nobody looked at me or said anything, they were all too busy mucking around with each other and chatting. I felt awkward though, and sat picking at my shoes and pretending to look interested in the field beyond them! Ah, how insecure I am when I pretend otherwise! But happily they went right off the field on the other side, they must have just been passing through. So I was left in peace and I didn't have to move.
Then the sun was more hazy so I went out of the shade, and I lay and sang songs to God and felt some comfort in that. I still am struggling to feel close to God, and I was kind of surprised that I didn't feel more of his presence today than I expected. I'm not put off though, I am happy to praise God no matter how I'm feeling. I got my pen and paper out and wrote what I could see, because I love doing that. I get frustrated because I can't make my words on paper quite describe how things feel and look. I wish I could have some sort of help or tuition on how to write more creatively. I feel like I have it inside of me but I don't know how to express it properly in writing sometimes. Anyway, I like to write what I am seeing and feeling as I do something, because I hope it will capture the memory as well as a photograph, or even better, so that I can relive it again in the future. And that other people can experience it in a way, even if they weren't there themselves. I wrote only a small amount before I was distracted, just about the view I was looking at:
"I am lying on my tummy in the grass and buttercups on the field. Propped on my fist, my chin is about four inches from the grass. I am looking out over the field with the road and the cars behind me, over to the thick bank of green trees that runs the whole length of the field. There are so many shades of green in the trees that I couldn't count them all even if I wanted to. Behind the trees I know there is a little river that runs alongside the field all the way down. I suppose that's why the trees are so lush and green, and why there are so many different types of tree. I know that if you cross the field and go into the trees you step into a different world, all dark and cool and quiet, except for the lovely sound of water rippling along down the river. When I was little, those places used to make me feel as though there was magic in the air."
I got distracted by buttercups and little flying bugs at that point, so I didn't write anymore, except a load of stuff about buttercups because I think they're so beautiful. But I won't put all that here.
Anyway, I ate some food and drank my squash, and then eventually I decided I had better go back. I didn't want to but my eyes were getting stingier and stingier, and my head was getting a bit achy with the bright light, so I came back. I had been there for an hour and a half!!!! And the walk back was fine. I passed some beautiful flowers growing all over someone's fence and was hit by their perfume. It was so lovely. It was like drinking vanilla as I walked past. I closed my eyes to fix it in my mind. I haven't had to rest since I got in, I had an ice-lolly and came online to write this. I feel okay, just my eyes sting, but that's it! I am so happy!!! God is so good!!! I feel like I have achieved so much in the last few days, and I am so pleased! Just a little bit, when I got back, I felt alive inside. Not that I've felt particularly dead, well not literally, but feeling like your insides are about to fall out with exhaustion all the time is NOT an "alive" feeling, and that's how it feels to have M.E., ALL the time. So today I got a glimpse of "aliveness" which was wonderful!
Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24