I'm feeling ....
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2003-10-23 - 7.50pm previous entry next entry I'm back again but I need to write. I am having a day. My emotions are messed up and I feel sad and lonely. Neil has gone for a nap to give me some space. He is so nice to me. I am just so prickly and irritable and grumpy and down and horrible to be with at the moment, and it's hard to be any other way because then if I try to be, I get a tummy ache or something and I just get the feeling I should be letting myself feel whatever I need to feel right now. I went to the cemetery today. Took Cam another purple daisy. His funeral flowers are past their best now, but the ones spelling his name are still looking pretty good. I talked to his photo a lot before I went, that was a weird thing for me to do. I felt a bit... crazy actually. Don't know if that's a good idea or not, but it was the most cheerful I'd felt all day so I stuck with it for a while. I took a tiny handful of metallic confetti, you know the type that's bright colours and shiny, and in star and heart shapes. I don't want to trash up the cemetery with confetti because I know it's gonna just blow everywhere and people aren't going to want confetti all over their loved-ones' graves. But I just wanted to take something for Cam with a bit of sparkle to it. He was all about sparkle - well, in himself anyway. He sparkled. Flowers and grass and earth seem just too.... bland, or something. Somehow. I was desperate to bring something more lively to his grave, so I thought of the sparkly confetti. I sprinkled a small amount in front of his cross marker, making sure it's hidden under loads of flowers so it won't blow all over the place. It's very windy today. Anyway it is heavier than tissue-paper confetti and there are only a few little bits on the new earth so hopefully it will mostly stay there. I felt better when I saw it sparkling against the earth all colourful and bright and reflective, like little jewels. That's more like Cameron to me. I took quite a long walk around the cemetery today. There have been two new funerals since I was last there. One right across from Cameron. Last time I went, that grave was a new hole in the ground with boards over it, so I knew somebody new would be coming to the cemetery soon. Thats's so sad when you see a new grave in preparation. You know someone has died and that people who loved them are going to have to endure the pain of their funeral in a day or even a few hours from now. That grave near Cameron is covered with flowers, they overflow like Cam's do. There's no marker yet but someone had propped up an order of service from the funeral amongst the flowers. It had a photo on it. A lovely looking man who was just 58. He looked quiet and kind and gentle. Sometimes I don't know what to think when I see things like that. I can't make sense of my thoughts and feelings, and my head can't fathom or understand the concept of death in any way whatsoever. It's so sad. And weird. I sat at Cameron's grave on the grass for a long time today. It was soooo cold and windy so I sat on my bag hugging my knees to keep some of the wind off me. I'm glad I wore a scarf and hat, but I was still too cold. I wish I had taken a warmer coat because I would have stayed longer but I just got too cold in the end. I sang his favourite hymns to him. I remembered another favourite of my own from school and sang that to him as well. I took his photo with me to the cemetery and looked at it when I talked to him. I just want to remember what he looked like and not start to associate Cameron physically with a mound of earth covered with flowers. I don't want my memories to fade. I could write a million other thoughts about all that but I don't want to right now and some of them are a bit morbid anyway. This evening I feel the same as yesterday evening. Like there's something in my throat that won't swallow down - but not like when you want to cry, it's even more physical than that. Or like my chest burns and wants me to smash a few things up to feel better. I feel queasy and hollow and empty, and I can't shake it off. I just want to be left alone, and poor Neil arriving home from work seemed to really bug me because I felt desperate to be alone. Poor thing. I feel so awful that I am making life harder for him. I hope I'm not too much, but I can't imagine it's stress-free for him. Urgh. I woke up late this morning and there were no appointments left at the doctor's when I phoned, so I'll phone tomorrow. I have Pilates with Judith tomorrow but I don't want to go. I am wary about my hip, since it's still not quite right. I don't want to exacerbate an injury if that's the problem. But I don't know if Judith will like it if I don't go. She is so much more of a "go-getter" than me, and she is very keen for me to get out and be active and see people. Which is probably a good idea, but I really really really don't want to right now. I need to phone her this evening. Which I'm not looking forward to at the moment. Ohhhh boy I got a difficult guestbook message today. I just found it. It's anonymous, which I guess I can understand but it still bugs me when people don't say who they are. It is honest and questioning and I'm not cross about it at all, but it made me feel kind of upset to read it. It says this: "have you ever thought that maybe you just aren't attracted to neil? have you ever had a normal sexual relationship (with or without sex...i guess i mean, attraction, etc) with a man before? how about a woman? is it possible you have unresolved doubts about your sexuality? good luck figuring it all out." Some of you could probably answer these questions on my behalf if you've been reading my diary for a long time. But I guess this person hasn't. So here are my answers to these questions. I realise I don't have to answer them but I don't know, I guess maybe I want to. Yes I do have doubts about my sexuality. Yes I have sometimes thought maybe I'm just not attracted to Neil. No I've never had a normal sexual relationship with a man before. I have found men attractive though. I have never had a relationship with a woman either. I have found them attractive too though. I have more experience of an interest in women than my experience of interest in men. I wish I could figure it all out, but then I also wonder - what's to figure? I know what I've chosen, because I feel it is right for me. I personally feel uncomfortable about any feelings I have towards women (when they occasionally surface), because I don't feel it is right from a Christian point of view. I know, I know, huuugely contraversial of me, and I know some Christians would (and, oh dear, probably will) angrily disagree. But it's what I believe. I love God and I want to strive to please him with all my heart, I really do. I want to do what is right in his eyes. I also choose to believe that the Bible is the truth and that it's God-inspired. And since it says in the Bible not to act on feelings towards the same sex, I choose not to. I think I am hugely helped by the fact that I really do find men attractive - well, that's been hampered a bit in the past because of my history of sexual abuse, but still it helps. Plus I know I can find Neil attractive because sometimes I seriously do! And before we got married, earlier on in our relationship when everything in my life was normal and healthy and stress-free(ish!), I found him absolutely irresistable. Honestly. So I know that's there, which is why I know there's hope in this therapy and making an effort. Sometimes it's hard though, especially when I feel so flat and feeling-less and it's been ages since I felt like myself in that area. I feel like I got switched off and the switch broke so I don't work anymore. Neil was the first man I was not afraid of. And the only reason for that is because a lot of people prayed with me about it when I first realised I was beginning to fall for him. I got really scared because I was too frightened of men to think it was possible for me to have a relationship with one. I had a few boyfriends in my teens, but like a couple of weeks each time, which is how long I would manage to go before feeling panicky and breaking it off. It doesn't help that one of them abused me kind of badly too, that really didn't improve my fears! So after a lot of prayer God totally lifted away my fear where Neil was concerned. I felt completely free with him and I loved him and was attracted to him from that point. It never occurred to me to be attracted to him before I realised I loved him, because we were really good friends and he was more like a brother. And I knew I was going to marry him quite a while before we even started going out together, before I even knew if he liked me like that, on the day I asked people to pray about my fear. I just knew. I bought a book on marriage that day even!! Hehe! So I feel my marriage and my relationship with Neil is completely right. I just seem to have had a lonnnnng life of issues and problems with sex. Attraction to women only seems to come up these days when I am feeling desperately unhappy or lonely. Or in the past when Neil and I had that bad patch where we weren't close at ALL, it was quite an issue then. But we're really close in our general relationship now. I wish I felt closer to God at the moment. I really really need his touch. I feel so flat and detached from everything, including God, and it feels like I have a big wall of thick glass between me and other things, even between me and God. Which is not true because the Bible says NOTHING can seperate us from the love of God. But I FEEL seperated. Or at least, I can see it and stuff, but my fingers have no feeling in them to appreciate the touch of it, and the sound of it is muffled through the glass and my sight is blurry too, like when I don't have my glasses on. I feel horrible. I feel sad and empty and I know God is close to me, but I can't tell that much, and I want so much to reach out to him and love him and praise him and know his arms around me like I am used to. Not just for him to love me, but I miss loving God with all my heart. I feel empty when I am not loving God, because it feels so wonderful to love him like that. Like I was made for that purpose. Which of course I was, but anyway, that's how it feels too. I miss Jesus in my life. I feel lonely like I'm without his presence, but I know he must be close to me because he promised he always would be, it's just that I can't feel his presence too much anymore. I just miss our relationship. I am beginning to feel like even if I could snap my fingers and Cameron was alive and well and had never died, even then it wouldn't make everything feel better inside. I don't know why, but it just feels deeper than that now, or something. Neil keeps on asking me what is the matter, because he thinks it's more than just Cameron. Sue asked me the same. They ask me if it's the pregnancy thing, or being bored at home or something. But I really don't know. I can't make any sense of how I'm feeling. And sometimes I feel just fine and dandy. But I don't right now. I haven't got anything else to write, and I've said all my feelings now. I feel like writing for another hour about it all, but I would be going over the same things and that might not be helpful. But I don't mind that guestbook message, whoever it was that left it, I don't mind that you did. I just felt low and achy and making myself question things in my life like that is always hard to do and it often makes me feel low and achy anyway, so. But just because I am being all down, it doesn't mean I wish you never wrote it. If you are asking those things of me because you have experience of homosexuality yourself, then I hope I haven't offended you with what my beliefs and thoughts are. |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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