I'm feeling ....
More to follow....
Oh dear, it's been longer than I intended. Most of the week actually. I really wanted to update yesterday and the day before but I seem to have been so busy. Thanks Lois for your guestbook entry. Glad you are having the same ideas about dating! Thanks for the encouragement and the welcome home!
I had my first really good night's sleep after my last entry, the first one on British time since we got back from New York. But the weirdest thing was that I felt more tired than all the other days the next morning. Odd. So I didn't do so much. I went to Homebase and bought a load of little things - paintbrushes in preparation for the smelly painting while we went cat-sitting, screws and metal brackets and plates for odd jobs I remembered I needed to finish, and also a pack of bulbs for planting in our border out the front for spring flowers!! How exciting! I got tulip and narcissus and iris and crocus, all in one big pack. So I am excited to do some gardening for spring. But it might have to wait a little bit because the border is waist high with vigorous weeds, and I need to dig the earth out and lay top soil anyway. So that sounds like a lot of work. Hmmm. When I got home I screwed brackets to the kitchen drawers that I made a few months ago, because that was the last little thing that needed doing. And I added metal plates to the landing cupboard (which I also made a few months ago) to strengthen some wood joins. I was really pleased with myself when I finished that. I did polyfill the wall in the stairwell as well. Isn't this so exciting for people reading this?! Hehe!
Well that night I slept really badly. I lay there for two hours or so and just got more and more awake. Only it wasn't the normal kind of awakeness that I get when I can't sleep, it was like when it's noon and you're perfectly alert in every way. I got more restless trying to make myself sleep, so at 2.30 I got up and did what I actually felt like doing, no matter how ridiculous it was at that time of night! I took my duvet and my teddy downstairs (love my teddy) and made a hot drink, and lay on the sofa and watched 'One Fine Day' which is a really good movie that I haven't watched for ages. It's filmed in New York and it was so great to watch it. I feel like I missed a load of things the other times I watched it, because now I know where everything is in relation to other stuff. So that was fun, even if it left me still awake in bed again at 5am. Oh well. I don't know when I fell asleep, but I woke at 7 for a while, and then I set my alarm for 10.30 so I wouldn't push my routine off into another night. I was groggy at 10.30 but it's so strange how I seem to have much better days when I have a bad night at the moment. It's like my body is completely upside down over it's time clock. And it reacts to short sleeps like they are long ones, and vice versa. Weird.
Anyway. Then I came over here (I'm at my parents' house) for our latest stint of cat-sitting. We are here for five days, and my parents are home the day after tomorrow (Monday). I fed the cats but I went back home and painted the cupboard, two door frames and the bannisters (very small bannisters!) in satinwood paint. This stinks so much it makes me feel sick and weird in my head after a while so I can't do too much at once. So I was really pleased that I got all that done. It still left another door frame and a skirting board to paint, but I was so pleased to have done all of that anyway. I felt grim by that point and Neil had come home from work, so we gathered up some things for overnight and went to my parents' house. I felt like my tongue was coated in paint - yuck! It tasted exactly of paint, and even had the same texture and consistency. Ewww!
Well on Thursday night I slept really long and deep, and guess what? I had a bad day! It's so weird!! I woke up a lot with a bad tummy ache, and then I had dreams about it too, and my recurring dream that I seem to be having lately, about being on the toilet in a public place! It's an odd one. There's always one toilet in a really unusual place, like against the wall on the high street, facing out on the pavement with people all walking round it and stuff. And I'm always sitting on it, embarrassed to pieces but unable to.... finish what I'm doing (!!) in order to get off it. People even stop and talk to me about things and ask me questions, but they seem completely unphased by it, like it's the most normal thing in the world for me to be on the toilet in public! It's only ever me who is embarrassed. Urgh. Anyway, I had it again and it was just as vivid and weird. I have NO idea what it might mean. If anything, that is.
When I woke up I felt sick. And I felt sick all day. I couldn't eat breakfast, but it didn't really lift at all. I felt kind of lightheaded with it and it was yucky. I felt scared to go out when I felt like that, but there were all sorts of things I wanted to get done. So in the end I had a productive day, but felt gross all the while. I am quite proud actually! I didn't get sick or anything, it wasn't like that, but I don't know why I was so queasy. I can only wonder if it's something maybe to do with my system being cross at having to adjust from New York or something. I don't know. Anyway, I phoned Specsavers to sort out getting a contact lens trial. They said I could go in that afternoon, so long as I brought a current prescription. Then I walked down the road, hoping a walk would sort my tummy out (it didn't). I walked past a hairdresser which wasn't too expensive (gasp!) and wandered in to see if they had any appointments free. They did, that afternoon! So I booked one!!! Aaaaargh - a haircut!! I never ever do anything that involves change! Scary! I walked on to Wickes (the nearest DIY place) and looked at doors. Isn't this riveting?! I know you're just hooked.
Well I walked home, and felt sick, and drove to our house and watched some TV, and felt sick, and then I drove to Homebase. That's really bad because it's only round the corner, but I felt sick and it scared me to go out feeling sick. I noticed that I seem to have quite a fear of being outside if I feel unwell. It was enough to make me kind of agitated and hyperventilatey (?!) when I was trying to make myself just go out of the door. I think that must stem from having been housebound with illness or something. It made me stop and realise how much I've improved about going out in general since I was healed. At first I found it really scary and it was a great big hurdle all the time to just go to church or somewhere where there'd be other people. So I am doing good. *pats self on back* I just told myself out loud that I was okay, that everything was going to be okay, that I could do it, and I did. I went. I felt so sick in Homebase but it was fine. I bought more paint and inquired about doors (we need new interior doors at some point), but they didn't have what I wanted so I came home. Then I did the whole going out hurdle once again and drove into town to do the opticians thing. I actually parked legally!!! This sounds awful, but lately I have been parking illegally a lot. That is really bad of me actually, I know I shouldn't. I have been getting the odd parking ticket because of it too. Tsk. Serves me right. It's just that if I see a parking meter free and I think, "Oh I'll only be five minutes" then I park there and run off and don't bother to pay. *shame* This time I parked at a meter and paid the ONE POUND SIXTY (!!!!) for an hour, and I went to my normal opticians and picked up my prescription, and took it to Specsavers where they gave me (at long last!!!) my five day contact lens trial. I booked a follow-up appointment for Thursday. I really don't need a trial since I've been wearing contact lenses for half my life, since I was 13 (!!) but hey ho. It's been a couple of years because I didn't wear them while I was ill - three years probably then - so I guess a trial won't hurt.
I picked up our holiday photos again, which were even worse than the last time they processed them *sigh* So I'll have to ask them to put them through again. Hate complaining repetitively. Then when I got back to my car I'd only been 15 minutes and I gave my ticket to someone who was just parking up. That made me feel high and happy because I made somebody smile and feel good about something, so that was nice. It didn't bother me that I felt sick right then, it was so nice. Then I went home and fed the cats, and went to my hair appointment. And now I have hair that is 8 inches shorter than it was!!! I love it when my hair is newly cut, I can't stop touching it and fiddling with it! Hehe! It is now shoulder-length and the guy who cut it asked me if I wanted it cut shorter and graded a little up the front - he said it's very fashionable at the moment. I turned into a bleating little sheep about it because I never do anything different to my hair. Seriously! I grew my hair since it started growing out of my head, until I was 11, when I had it cut to my shoulders for the first time. Then I cut my own fringe a year later (TOTAL disaster!!) and it had to be rescued by a hairdresser! So I had a fringe for a year, which totally didn't suit me so I grew it out. A few years later I had it cut to my shoulders again, then I grew it, then I had it cut to my shoulders, then I grew it, then I - you get the picture. And I am still doing the same thing, having reached the "cut to my shoulders" part of the cycle again! But I like it. And I'm not big on change. I am scared of "styles" or colours. I think my hair suits me just hanging off my head and I wouldn't change the colour if you paid me. God made it and I think it's pretty cool. So there. So I was a bit stuttery when the guy asked me about a little weeny change to my norm!
In the end I said yes, so long as it was minimal, and he did a really nice job on it. I have been playing with my hair ever since. It is soooo light now that it is shorter, like it weighs nothing at all on my head compared with how it felt before. Hair is so strange. I don't know why, it just is. Laura-Ann has the most beautiful hair in the world, by the way. There's a photo on her diary a few entries back. It's soooo beautiful - I want it! Just thought I'd say that anyway. I am feeling kind of random today!
So I have new hair. And today I don't have glasses! I wore my contact lenses, which were surprisingly non-bothersome. I did get very tired in my eyes after an hour or two, so I didn't leave them in very long. They are daily disposables like I have worn for years, so they are very convenient. I used to wear gas permeable (hard) contact lenses at school and college, and they were far more bothersome, though I liked them. They flipped out a lot and I spent much time crawling on the carpet in school corridors, shouting for nobody to move! Hehe! But the cleaning was so boring and faffy. Disposables are so wonderful, you just take them out wherever you are and throw them away! Amazing. I used them as soon as they came into existance and I think they're marvellous. Plus soft lenses are a lot more comfortable. Tomorrow I am going to church (at last - I've been away for three weeks now and it feels like a long time), and I'll wear the second pair then. I have to wear a pair to my appointment on Thursday and then they'll order me a whole load so I can wear them every day if I want to. Yayness! I feel so..... I don't know how to describe it..... sort of "new". Like, now that I look different in a couple of ways, I want to embrace it big time. Like some sort of "new look" or something. I want to look as different as I feel after my holiday in New York. And I want people to notice the difference. Now that I'm back, I want to be seen with my hair different, without my glasses, wearing new clothes, that kind of thing. I don't want to look same old same old, because I don't feel like that anymore and I want to feel like I have a fresh start. Like a new leaf, or like life begins NOW. I want to put all the past behind, all the illness and that whole chunk of my history, and move on like I didn't have to go through it, like it was a bad dream or something. I don't know why it's taken me ten months of wellness to finally feel this way, but now seems to be the time. I feel good about it. I have been scared up until now to embrace life, maybe incase it wasn't there when my arms closed on it or something. But now I am pretty convinced it's there. I think. I didn't want to step out incase the ground gave way, but I think I am slightly more ready to step out now. I think I still have a lot of fears about life, well, I KNOW this actually, I am pretty bad with my fears at the moment. But I am glad that there is some sort of glimmer of hope that I am moving on a bit. I know there is hope anyway, even if I am not in that place. With God there is always hope.
Today I haven't felt quite so sick, and Neil and I painted in our house again until we felt too gross to carry on. I painted some bathroom tiles that needed finishing this time, as well as door frames and such. We haven't set a date for our "date" yet, but I think it will be on Friday, or maybe Saturday next week. We will probably go to see a movie.
The "age" thing happened again at the hairdressers. The lady washing my hair asked me what school I went to. Oh. My. Goodness. That's the worst one yet. I told her I was 26. There was no more peace and quiet for the rest of my appointment. Everyone in the hairdressers had to be told, especially the owner, who apparantly had asked when "that little girl" was coming in, before I'd arrived. Much amazed gasping and laughter and exclamations had to be uttered. Somebody said, "She's probably married with children after all that!" - to which I responded, "Actually I AM married" and the whole noisy routine began again. *sigh* I thanked everyone profusely, but I really don't know why I did. I know it is a compliment and it's a really good thing that I look so young for my age, but I actually am finding it a bit annoying to keep being mistaken for sixteen. Eighteen isn't quite so bad but it's still annoying to me. At nineteen or twenty this would not have bothered me, and now if people were mistaking me for twenty then I wouldn't mind, but sixteen seems so young and so waaaaay back when I was waaaaay less mature, and I don't really want to be put in that place again when people see me. That sounds warped I know, but it's just how I feel. Anyway, I'm sure I will be reeeally happy about this in ten years time! Or something! Except that in ten years time I will probably look my age and then some, since I will be haggered by motherhood by then!!
Well it is 11.30 now and I am tired (a good thing!) so I am going to go to bed. We have spent a lot of time at our own house today, because when I don't feel that well I really want to be at home. This is a weird feeling because all my life THIS house has been "home" and now it isn't - I mean, it REALLY isn't anymore. The perfect test for this is feeling unwell. Even after I was married and had moved out of my parents' home, I still longed to be there when I didn't feel well, and felt so out of place at our flat. Now it's the other way round, which I know is a good and healthy thing, but it still feels kind of sad and weird that I have obviously broken away from my parents' home at last. I feel sad about that. I never thought I would break away. But I am loving being here this evening, my childhood home with everything just as it always was (just my parents missing), and our gorgeous baby cats snoozing peacefully around the place. I love my cats. My parents are taking them with them when they go to France. For the first time this is starting to sting when I am with them, because they are moving in January, it is official, and that is starting to feel rather close. I know if I ever want to see the cats again I have to go to France, and that feels hurty somehow. My parents will come and visit, but the cats never will. And they're getting old (the cats, that is!). I feel a real sharp stab when I think that they are going away and I'll never sit here in this house where I grew up and cuddle them again.
Well, anyway, that is something I'm sure I'll bring up again, since it'll all be very much more at the surface nearer January. So I'll stop for now and hopefully write again soon. We have a lot of painting to get done still, before we go home on Monday, so tomorrow will be a busy one with church as well. I might catch up here on Monday then. Hope everyone is okay. xxx
Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24