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2003-10-03 - 3.04pm previous entry next entry I only wrote an entry a couple of hours ago, but I need to write again. I’m going to do it. I’m going to the chapel to see Cameron. I phoned my mum and talked to her about it, and she said if she was here she’d come with me. And then I realised that I wanted to do this on my own. Which made me realise that I actually WANT to do it. Mummy said she regretted not seeing her mum earlier this year, and I had no idea she felt that way. She said she couldn’t do it at the time, but now she regrets it. That’s exactly what I didn’t want to feel, after the funeral is over and time is passing by. I never want to miss this opportunity to see him on my own and say goodbye, without everyone else around me at the funeral. Just me and Cam. I have been too scared, but all of a sudden I felt angry that fear would be the reason I didn’t do something that I really wanted to do, yet again. So I picked up the phone and called the funeral directors. Their line was busy so I chickened out and didn’t try again for a while. I watched Doctors instead. There was this one line in the programme about facing fear, and I thought “Right, I’m just going to phone them again”, so I did. They were busy again, but I phoned them right back and a lady answered. I asked her how I should arrange to visit the body of someone who has died. She asked if the person was at their branch, and I said yes. She asked for “the name of the deceased” (how weird is that?) and I said Cameron’s full name. She recognised him before I’d even finished saying his surname. I was surprised about that. She knew him by name. I don’t know how these places work – I suppose I just assumed that people who have died are just “bodies” or “the deceased” to the staff at funeral places, and that they don’t know personal details, or maybe they even have to look them up on their system to see if they are there. But she knew him just when I said Cameron. I could tell she wasn’t looking at papers or a computer as well. She asked if I had cleared it with his family, that it was okay for me to visit. I said yes. She said they don’t open at weekends unless a specific appointment is made. I asked how soon I could see him. I figured maybe I’d have to give them at least a few hours. She said I could come in anytime until 5.15pm when they close. I said, “What, even now?” and she said, “Oh yes dear, the little one is here in the chapel, you can come in any time and see him.” The little one. My little one. Hearing her say that broke my heart. I said I would come in shortly, and she asked my name and was really nice in general, and then I put the phone down and I have not stopped crying since. He’s really there – his body, I mean – and she knows him. He’s there in the chapel waiting to be visited, and she called him “the little one”. And now I have to go and see him. I just can’t bear to, but I know I need to. I want to as well. At the same time as not wanting to, if you see what I mean. He’s really there. He’s really dead. If I go and see him I’ll know, and there can’t be any doubt anymore, because I’ll have seen for myself that there’s no life in him. I can’t pretend anything, because there will be no mistaking my Cam when I see him, and I will know that he’s gone. I can’t bear to, I can’t bear to. But I know I have to. I need to. I will regret it so badly if I don’t. And today is the last day I can see him before the funeral on Monday. Maybe it won’t be so bad? I just need to go and do it. But first I need a bath. I have run it, but I was crying too much to relax so I stopped the bath and came to write my diary. Usually writing my diary makes things seem better or more in perspective, so it’s always worth a try if my feelings are too much. I need to bath to be fresh and nice for Cam. I know he doesn’t see me, I know he won’t know any different. I know he won’t even know I’ve been to see his body. I am doing this for me then, I suppose. But I want to get ready to go like I would if I was going to see him when he was alive. I want to be clean and fresh, and dressed like he normally sees me. I don’t want to cry like I’m crying now. But I guess that’s inevitable. I don’t know how I’ll do it on my own – I hope their staff are kind and supportive, because I have a feeling I might need someone. But I didn’t want to take anyone I know – even Neil – because I need to do this by myself, just me and Cameron. I love him, I love him, I love him so much. Why does this have to be so hard? |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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