I'm feeling ....
|
More to follow....
Unofficial Christian Diaryland Webring!
|
2003-10-29 - 12.13pm previous entry next entry Thanks Katie for the lovely message :) I am continuing to feel better at the moment which is lovely! Yesterday I was more active too. I reserved the shower screen we've been looking for (for yeeears!) at Argos and then I went into town and picked it up. It is really heavy! We might try and fit it before the weekend, when Neil is going away. In town I also went to Marks and Spencer's where I got the gorgeous clothes from recently. I took the cords back and got another pair a little bit longer. I tried loads more clothes on while I was there, which was fun, but I didn't really like any of them. Good thing too, the amount they cost! I also went to the sewing machine shop to buy a machine part that I broke recently. I bought a replacement last week but it was the wrong size, so now I have one the right size. What a thrilling narrative this is! ;) Anyway, just being out and getting things done that have needed doing was really good. It was really crowded in town, and there were huge queues for the car parks. Urgh. This means Christmas is coming. I can't believe it's this bad already though. I try to avoid the place like the plague in December. It's not worth it. I especially hate it on crowded Christmas shopping days in December because of the first December I had M.E (without knowing I had it at the time). I went in all innocently to buy some decorations for our new Christmas tree, and got the flu just from being in town. Real nasty 2-weeks-in-bed-with-high-fever influenza. I know I got it in town because of the incubation time of influenza and how I hadn't been anywhere else in that time. Yuck. I was so mad. And I never recovered from it and became housebound. Grrr. Horrid germy Christmas shopping! Well anyway, so it was good to get out and do things yesterday. After I got all my shopping, I stopped off at the cemetery on my way home. It's not quite on my way but I took a detour. Driving into the cemetery had a strangely "normal" feel to it, like it was becoming a really familiar thing to do. That's weird. I still felt okay though. It is nice seeing the world through stronger eyes, it feels better and I feel more.... held - if you know what I mean? Like I have strong arms around me when I feel this way. When I feel like I have been feeling recently, empty and hurting, I feel like there is nothing around me at all. So the strong arms feeling is wonderful. Cameron's flowers have been moved around. I noticed that straight away. This, for me, confirms that his family MUST be visiting at the weekends like I thought, so I'm glad I avoid going then, to give them space. There were several changes to his grave, which I kept discovering with loud exclamations and reporting them to Cam excitedly, because it was sort of exciting, seeing that something was different at Cameron's place. Not just the same dying flowers in the same places they were left at the funeral. The old flowers which are really on their very last legs, have been rearranged so they look nicer now that they aren't so fresh, and there's something refreshing about it just looking different. The next thing I saw was a glass vase set into the soil in the centre of his earthy mound, filled with water and flowers. It appeared after last weekend, with beautiful pink lilies and some other flowers that I don't know the names of. They stayed alive and fresh all week because they were in water. Yesterday these flowers were lying amongst the other older flowers, and there was a new bouquet in the vase, all bright colours, with white roses, and they looked SO beautiful. I told Cameron exactly how they looked. Then I got worried that my stone with the heart on it might have been moved too, so I went round to his cross marker and peered beneath the flowers to see if it was still there. It had been moved to one side but it was still there. So was the confetti. Then I noticed some other new things - there were tiny red rose petals scattered all over the soil, and laid on top of them, a little bunch of those tiny white flowers that grow in parks and gardens. I reckon Michael (Cam's little brother) might have picked those. Then I saw a tiny bright red stuffed teddy bear leaning his back against the cross. I almost didn't see him against the red petals. He has wire on his butt to keep him firmly in the same place in the soil. I really like him. It reminded me that Cameron is holding a green teddy in his coffin. It's a green teddy with a stethoscope round his neck and a white doctor's coat on. So of course I told Cam all these new things. And then I had been there for a while chatting to him about allll sorts of stuff, when I noticed something else. In front of his flowers that spell his name, there is the most beautiful glass angel. She is about 10 inches tall and her wings are frosted glass, and the rest of her is clear glass. She has her hands together in prayer. I KNOW his family were there before. What a beautiful thing to put at his grave. I am so pleased with the things that are starting to gather in tribute to my precious little boy. I feel proud of him all over again. I wasn't sad at his grave yesterday. I talked to him about theories of heaven and time and all sorts of stuff that have been making my head want to burst, and that he would struggle to understand anyway. But it helped to tell him the various ideas and also to tell him which gave me the most comfort. Jared's nurse told his parents she didn't believe that heaven is bound by time. She believes that when he gets to heaven they will already be there waiting for him. I like that idea. I don't know what's really true, because who can? But I like that idea. It means although I must endure the pain of seperation from Cameron, he never has to be seperated from me or his family, because we'll be right there. Or we ARE right there. Or something deep and brain-boggling like that! Anyway, I talked to him a lot about that, and it helped just to spill it all out of my head in words. It wasn't so cold yesterday because there was hardly any wind, and the sky was blue and the sun shone, and there are trees all over the cemetery with red and golden leaves. It is so beautiful there, even though it's kind of desolate at the same time. I think it will be much more so in winter when the trees have no leaves. But I was a bit happier to leave him when I decided to go home. I told him many times how much I love him, and promised to be back soon. Things felt better in my head with the idea that life is so short and fleeting. It feels long to us, but in the grand scheme of things it is over in a moment. I find that comforting because it means I can say to Cameron, "I'll see you soon, not long now." When I got home I looked at his photo for a while, and that same weird feeling was there, the one I had when I arrived at the cemetery. It was the beginning of a sense of normality to look at his photo and know that he is dead and that this is a photo of a child from the past. That's a horrible feeling, it makes me shudder. But it's inevitable I supppose. I just thought it would be much later on than this. I don't know how it makes me feel. For now I still feel okay. I had a long chat on the phone to my mummy yesterday, and we talked a lot about Cameron and how I was feeling. She really sympathised, and was so helpful because of course she lost her mum earlier this year so she knows exactly what I'm talking about when I tell her how things have been. I love my mummy. In the evening I fixed my sewing machine and sewed a nappy!! Hooray! I really enjoyed that. And it's got me on a sewing spree now, so I will probably sew a lot today. I got some new fabric in the post this morning so that adds to the excitement! :) I love to sew. I think that is all I have to say today. I feel more like myself again, and it's like when you get a bug and throw up and feel awful, and then you get better and eat and feel good - it feels AMAZING to eat and feel well after feeling so ill, much better than if you never had that bug! Well I feel sort of like that about feeling happy. I have no expectations because I know this is a journey that will have ups and downs, and I can't predict any of them. I just know now more than ever that I have to stick fast to Jesus if I want to get through it and know joy in my life despite the circumstances. We have Relate therapy tonight so I'm picking Neil up from work today. Last week's therapy was the trigger for this latest wave of emotion and pain so I am slightly nervous about that aspect of it. It happens when you get in an environment like therapy with a sensitive therapist who draws your feelings out of you and allows them to stay on the surface for the duration of the session. Then they are raw and impossible to stuff back in. That's what happened last week I think. Oh oh, I almost forgot, when I was at Cameron's grave a huge heron flew right over us, really low. I was going, "Oooh look Cam - a heron!" Which was just something that jumped out of my mouth, and then it made me sad because he can't look or see or hear things here anymore. Right after that, three parakeets flew directly over us, squawking loudly! Parakeets have been wild here since a few years ago when a few escaped from something or other - I can't remember if they were pets or at a public thingy. But anyway, they have been breeding quite happily and are now quite numerous in this part of south west London!!!! Can you believe it?!! I still love to see them in the "wild", now that they are making the general outdoors here a natural habitat. It's so bizarre! So it was lovely to see two such unusual species fly right over in quick succession. I wish Cameron had been alive to see. He would have known the heron I'm sure, because he used to go fishing all the time with his dad. Anyway that is all now. I want to sew. But I will write again soon. |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
 |
