I'm feeling ....
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2004-02-18 - 1.07pm previous entry next entry Ohhhh I hate fighting with people online. Mallory thank you for your guestbook entries, I don't want to fight with you either. I'm really sorry I hurt your feelings, because I totally did not mean to. Maybe I should have left the word "American" out of my rant? The point wasn't actually meant to be about America specifically, I just used it as an example. Urgh. I did not mean to offend or put anyone in a box. My feelings are hurt too because I hate being attacked over something I feel or have an opinion about. I am so glad for housegroup last night because I read the latest guestbook message right before I left, and urgh maybe I am way too sensitive (okay, I know I am!) but I left the house tense, tearful and with a tummy ache. The three T's, hehe! Yeah I did not feel nice for hurting someone, and I felt hurt because I felt like I just said ohhhhh I sooo don't agree with such and such, it's so stupid (in an "urrgh I'm cross about that!" way), and then somebody who I love was really cold in their tone and attacked me over it. Okay then I was stupid and gave a defensive response. That was definitely not a godly response and I really regret that now I have had time to cool off. I'm really sorry I did that. But I still feel coldly and unkindly responded to which really hurts. I did not mean to offend, though I can see where I did, and I'm sorry. Mind you, I do seem to be hiiiighly over-sensitive at the moment. I think I am going through some difficult stuff, after God making that breakthrough with me last week. I have been forcing myself into socialising with my pregnant friend, and though I am now so happy for her, it is still painful and difficult. Also I got in touch with Deborah, my other most lovely pregnant friend who is due on Saturday (my birthday!)!!! Yay! I sent a huuuuuge email confessing all my yuck and asking forgiveness and that. She sent me a lovely response and I asked all about her pregnancy so she answered all my questions, and reading that made me cry. Seeing anything Disney makes me cry. Not like, ahhh that's so cute I am welling up, but like, sobbing and crying, that kind of thing! Which is not like me. The other day I posted my very first item that I sold at eBay!!! Today I got a very cold email from the buyer saying she was not happy because I did not put stamps on the package and she had to pay extra. I DID put stamps on, but the package was plasticy so they must have come off. I emailed her and I'm going to reimburse her for those costs (even though I therefore will make a loss on the whole transaction!! Grrr!), and I think she will be nice about it now she knows it wasn't my fault. But the email made me get tearful and tense and that tummy ache again, just because I can't bear it when people are cold or mean to me, whether I deserve it or not. This is why I try not to post contraversial stuff or get into debates in my diary!! Obviously I did not do too well at that lately! I don't know what is wrong with me. Maybe it is because we are going to France tomorrow and travelling away from home, even to visit my parents, makes me tense and things. Or maybe it's the ongoing stress of fertility issues, which is way enough emotional stress for any human being on it's own. I am crying at the moment, but I don't know why. I just started to while I was typing the last paragraph, but it seems to be happening a lot these days. I just start crying without an obvious trigger, and I feel miserable and knotted up inside when I get like this, but over nothing I can put my finger on. Maybe that is why I am being so over-sensitive to online disagreements. I am so sorry I hurt anyone's feelings, but please be nice to me. I am having a hard time at the moment and little things make me really upset. Well. Let's talk about housegroup!! That cheered me up soooo much last night, even with a pregnant person there (!!), so I'm sure it will do the same now :) Okay here is a really good thing to do which might help somebody out there if I tell you - if you are feeling tense or unhappy or hurt about someone and you can't shake it, pray for them. I know if the situation with that person is bad then it's sooooo hard to do. But God is so great, he does not want us filled with bad feelings, either for someone or received from someone. He is about unity. Now I love Mallory so much, I have been reading her diary for years and she is so special to me. Feeling at odds with her was hurting me, so in the car on the way to housegroup I prayed in a way that I learnt on my Freedom in Christ appointment. You tell God you have these bad feelings about the person, and be specific about what they are. You acknowledge them as not being right in God's eyes, no matter whether you feel they are right or wrong, they need fixing if they are negative feelings. You ask God's forgiveness. You tell God about whatever thing has hurt you with this person, and list exactly what it is and how it made you FEEL (v. important). Then you choose to forgive them, no matter if they are in the wrong or not, if you have bad feelings then in some way you need to forgive that person for something. If you are really hurt then this is hard, but speak the words out anyway. Say aloud, "I CHOOSE to forgive so-and-so!" because God will supply the feelings if you keep choosing to forgive. Pray that God will release you from that bondage of bitterness with that person. Then, and this is the best part, start praying for God to bless them!! I did all this in the car, and the moment I started praying God's blessing all over Mallory, wow I felt instantly relieved, like the tension just drained out of me. I hope you don't mind me making an example of you here Mallory! I wanted to show that God is good, and give an example of how to pray if you are hurting or something :) Anyway yay, by that time I was parking up and then I went into Gordon and Katie's house. There were 2 people I never met before, it's been soooo long since I went to housegroup! They seem really lovely girls, I'm looking forward to getting to know them better. We did an ice-breaker, where everyone had to give a story of a time when something surprised them, good or bad! Some of the stories were soooo funny!! I couldn't think of a single thing so they said maybe they would come back to me later in the evening. Then we split into groups of 4 and went in different rooms, and we made a prayer diary for the week ahead. We went round the group asking what each person's needs were for prayer, and then each person's prayer requests were written in one day of the week, that way everyone prays for one of us on a specific day between now and next housegroup. I am Friday :) When it got to me, I said about Neil and I trying to have a baby and getting nowhere (I didn't mention the early miscarriage last month), and how it has now been 9 months and we have been referred to a specialist. I asked for prayer about trusting God and not getting self-focused and that. I need that soooo much, to be fixed on Jesus during a difficult time like this. I also asked for prayer for Abby and Katia, two of my little sweeties who have cancer. You can pray for them too, please! Abby is 8, and she is in Texas. She has leukaemia and just had a bone marrow transplant about a month ago. She has severe Graft-versus-host disease as a result, which is often fatal, so please please pray that she will survive. She is terribly sick and miserable right now, and her parents are worried that much of the fight in her is gone. Katia I have mentioned before. She is 4 and is in Florida. She has leukaemia too, and had a cord blood transplant (same kind of thing as a bone marrow one, but with a newborn baby's cord blood) almost 2 weeks ago. She also has been diagnosed with GVHD and is very sick right now. Katia is my sweet ladybug, I have grown to love her and her family so much. I have stickers to post to her, and she loves postcards so I will send her one from France. I have a photo to post of Katia and her daddy. I asked her mum and she gave her permission for me to post it here. It made such an impact on me, because it was a wonderful image of a father's love. Katia is immune-suppressed (with a count of zero after all the chemo and transplant) and her daddy had a cold so he couldn't visit her for quite a while when she was feeling so poorly and missed him so much :( This photo was taken the day he was able to come and see her again. You can see how much he loves her. I think it's one of the most beautiful photos I have ever seen.  Isn't she beautiful? The photo made me cry, it's so lovely. Anyway please pray for these special little girls. I have a whole bunch of other children that I love and pray for like this, and will probably mention some of them more at a later time, but these two girls are in desperate need right now. Oh, except Craiggy! He is six years old and so precious, I have grown to love him so much, and his family. Craig needs lots of prayers too as he is going through chemo for lymph cancer. At the moment I can't seem to stop praying for these three kids. I pray when the ads are on when I watch TV, I pray when I am cooking or doing laundry, or taking a bath or sewing. It isn't voluntary even. I wake at night sometimes and before I'm even awake enough to know what I'm doing, I am praying for these kids. God has them on my heart soooo much at the moment. I am desperate for them to pull through. Anyway, back to housegroup. So then we stood in a circle and each of us prayed for the person on our left. It was great! I love to pray with other people!! Then we went back in the main room and we did a Bible study on the authority of Jesus. It was just so nice to be talking about God who I love so much, and reading the Bible which I just haven't done in way too long. So lovely. After we did that I was asked to close in prayer so I did, and I remembered my story of something that surprised me, so I told it to them! Here it is, it's one of my earliest memories: It must have been around my 3rd birthday because I had a new baby brother. I was helping Mummy water the plants in the house, and he was lying in his cot. I wondered what would happen if I watered his head (!!) so I did. I was pretty surprised when he screamed the place down and I got in lots of trouble! Then I don't know if it was the same day or soon after, but I got curious one day about his head again, and I got out the felt-tip pens and drew all over his bald head in different colours, hehehehe! I was genuinely surprised when I got told off again! :) Ahhh you see, I have always been this mischievious! ;) Anyway, Gordon and Katie lent me a book on nutrition for infertility, and I left housegroup feeling wonderfully loved and like a Sim whose social bar just got filled up to the top! :) We were talking about lent and giving things up and stuff - well it started with people asking if anyone ever did do anything for lent. Not many people have really. Then someone said you can take things up instead of giving things up, so Gordon said he would take up smoking and chocolate, hahaha!! I love that I got to laugh such a lot with friends. Anyway, obviously it's meant to be something GOOD, so I was thinking it would be a good opportunity for me to add to my motivation to get fitter. Gordon and Katie and another lovely young couple in our housegroup go to LeRoc dance classes every Thursday evening. They asked us to join them last year but we never did, and so now I am thinking it would be great to do that. Neil thinks he can spare the time - he is soooo busy even in the evenings with all his study. But he loves dancing and it will be fun, and we will be getting out as a couple, as well as building up relationships with 2 lovely couples in the church. So I'm looking forward to that after we get back from France. Anyway, I have been stopping and starting this all over the place because I got a package delivered and then the washing machine stopped so I put it on tumble dry, and so on. So I'll finish for now. I have got a TON to do today. Lots of laundry so we have the clothes we want to pack for France. I have to clean as well, I hate coming home to a messy house when we've been away. I need to contact all the people who I am buying things from at eBay and UKparents so I can let them know I'll be away so I won't receive their packages for a while. I need to renew my library books, order some more glyconutrients, and a million other things that I haven't put on my list yet! Our flowers (the red roses and freesias) are looking beautiful still, and in fact they seem to be just coming out and reaching their peak, so it seems a shame that we'll have to throw them away tomorrow for when we go to France. So I am planning to drive them to the cemetery tomorrow morning and lay them on Cameron's grave. They are so beautiful. He deserves them :) Okay that is all. I am feeling much less tense now with all the distractions and writing about housegroup :) I probably won't get the chance to update till we are in France, but I plan to update before my birthday so I can be all excited about plans for my special day! :) I'm so glad we will be with my parents, because I miss them so much on special occasions when they are in another country. I miss them so much in another country anyway :( |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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