Great Christian Diaries

2003-11-19 - 12.26am (20th)  previous entry  next entry

Thanks Laura-Ann, Vikki and Meg for the guestbook entries! Thanks for the ideas about the Christmas card - I will think about it some more and let you know what I do.

STILL no joy with our internet connection. Our phone line has been "worked on" twice, but no change yet, so I keep leaving feedback and hoping for it to be fixed soon. I miss my hooouuuurs of surfing (!!) but oh well, hopefully I can do that again soon. I am just online to check message boards, emails and some of my favourite diaries, and to post my own diary entries of course!

Well as ever I have tons to write. I am drinking a nice big glass of red wine that I started with my dinner. Housegroup was good yesterday evening. I picked Emily up and we went together. It was kind of weird to be back, since I haven't been to that housegroup in over a year. I have missed it though, and I enjoyed being there again. I was soooo proud to bring Emily along! :) I don't know if that's right or not, but I did feel so pleased to be able to bring her and everyone was glad to see her. We prayed and we sang some worship songs, and then Marigold led this meditation on Psalm 23 (The Lord is my Shepherd, etc) which was really good. I see myself as such an odd little sheep, so scrawny and small and wiry with tufty wool, and a stubborn personality. I want to run in my own directions and I resist the hand of my Shepherd as he presses me to lie down in those green pastures and rest. When he hooks me back to him with his Shepherds staff, I wriggle and scamper with all my legs to try and carry on in my own way. Urgh. Neil and I prayed together after we went to bed 2 nights ago (before housegroup), and while we were praying I had this picture in my head of me suspended above the ground at the cemetery. Like I was in a bubble or on a string or something. I wanted to move this way and that, or get back down to the ground, so I was struggling to move, but no matter how hard I fought, I could only ever move a few inches in any direction and the moment I stopped struggling, I just floated back to where I had been before. It was soooo frustrating. I feel that way a lot, in general. And I often have dreams where I am doing the exact same thing. But anyway, I don't know why the picture was at the cemetery (above Cameron's grave actually). But I asked God what he was trying to show me, and I felt like he was saying to me, "I want your attention." Like he was saying that he would lead me and I wouldn't have to be stuck in the air like that, but only when I finally stopped trying to fight against him (I didn't know I was) and trying to go my own way in my own strength.

I was like, "But Lord, I have to keep fighting and looking out for myself, because there is too much that I'm afraid of otherwise." And he was all like, "What does fear mean to you?" - it was like a real conversation in my head, I could hear his voice in there. And I told him that fear meant being trapped. I felt God say to me that I was not trapped, because I have been given freedom, and that the idea that I'm trapped is a lie. I felt him say that freedom comes at a price. I didn't understand that bit at the time, but then I had a lot of anxiety during the time we were meditating on the Psalm at housegroup, about whether Jesus was going to walk off somewhere with all the other sheep or something (!!) and leave me on my own, or the fact that my enemies were there in the background watching me when we came to verse that says, "You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies." I told this to the group when we were asked for feedback afterwards, although it felt kind of embarrassing to admit that I was so anxious and negative, even with Jesus by my side. And they said helpful things. Today, having thought about it all some more, I am thinking that I understand the "freedom comes at a price" thing a bit more. Freedom is trusting in God with your whole heart, and living in that way, because you are completely set free from expectation and fear and shame and any negative feeling or the weight of those kind of circumstances. But although God has given me that freedom, I can still choose to stay trapped by not trusting God over things.

Sometimes I think when we have a choice it makes life so much harder.

I told Neil all the stuff about the meditation at housegroup (he was at Alpha that evening) and he said it sounded like it matched the picture I had the night before, perfectly. So hmmm. But I don't really know how to grasp that freedom with both hands. Wait, who am I kidding? Of course I do. I stop listening to fear in my head and start countering those thoughts with God's truth. I am being a wuss though because I still feel like that's too hard to do all the time. But it's not. I just need to pull myself together.

Anyway. Housegroup was good. They also prayed for me about Cameron and how I've been doing with that. Marigold did know that Cameron had died - Sue or Judith must have told her. I told them I had seen Cam as mine, my own child, and that I didn't really know where to put my feelings about it all, or something like that. To be honest I didn't really know what I was talking about, it was so uncomfortable to be wearing my insides on my outside, or so it felt, with everybody all quiet and watching me and listening while I said such weird "can't-believe-I'm-saying-this" stuff. I felt tight and weird inside. No emotions surfaced though. Of course. Marigold said I need to accept that Cameron isn't mine, but that I CAN own the grief. Everybody said such helpful things, Emily too. I don't remember what they said, but I know it was helpful at the time. Well, except I remember what Marigold said, because I didn't like to hear it at all. I know, I know, I know, I knooooow Cameron isn't mine, wasn't mine, can't be mine, won't be mine, etc, etc, etc. Let's just lay that on the table. He's. Not. Mine. But is it so wrong that I feel he is? Even though I know he's not? Okay probably. But I hate to be reminded that he's not. And it's so hard to be told I need to accept that. People keep saying that, well, okay just Marigold and Sue. Which is sort of why I haven't wanted to pray with Sue since she said that a month or so ago. I just don't want to hear it. I don't want to let go of that connection I feel to Cameron, and frankly I don't care whether it's right or wrong or helpful or a hinderance, I don't care, I don't care, I do not care. Urgh. Maybe I will someday, but not at the moment. But I don't think I could say all this to anyone if they told me I needed to accept that Cameron's not mine though. I'm too chicken. Or else I just don't want them to start explaining in more depth why I need to let go of that "fantasy". Yeurgh.

Next subject.

Driving Emily home, I had this weird feeling. It was all dark and we were on pretty empty roads, and we'd been silent for a little while, and I was watching the road (obviously!) as we went along. And I nearly said, "Thanks for the guestbook entry, by the way!" But I didn't, because HOW WEIRD IS THAT?!!!! It feels crazy weird to me! Maybe I had felt too vulnerable on the whole that evening already. I don't know. It's so lovely to be "real" friends with Emily after meeting online. But sometimes I get those moments of complete weirdness when I think aaaaarrrgh, because I have never told anyone such personal things in my whole life as I continually spill out into my diary, and she reads it. So if I ever feel like being all mask-y and wall-y and pretending like I'm all fine and normal, and hiding from people so they don't really know what I struggle with inside, then I can't do that with anyone who reads my diary because it's all out there in the open like some big open wound. Gosh, nice vibe Alice! I just get the occasional moment like this, that's all. Mostly I am a very open person and I don't mind all that. But everybody wants to hide their inner-self sometimes, and that's the only time I find it weird / uncomfortable. I still do hide, and she doesn't pry, so it's not a problem. But it's just that even if I am hiding my feelings and she goes along with that, I feel soooo transparent. Especially a few hours later when I'm spilling my guts on here again and she's reading! Heh :) I am silly. I would never want to spill less though. It keeps me sane being so vulnerable and open here. Somehow.

Wellll I'm sure I have other things to say! We had therapy this evening. It went soooo much better than last week. My week has continued to be different since Sharon's phone call. I said to our therapist tonight that it was like it gave me permission to feel okay about things. I don't know whether that was me giving myself permission, or Sharon giving me permission. Or even the idea that Cameron was giving me permission to carry on with life without him. I don't know. But things have been much more bearable since. Still weird, and definitely still hard, but much better. Different. He has been gone 8 weeks today.

But I think the difference is showing. Therapy went well. I have started these hormone-balancing supplements - did I mention that? I think I must have. Well I started them at the end of last week I think. Don't really know what I'm expecting from them, except I'm really hoping for less horrible PMS, and preferably for a much shorter time if at all. I am curious to see if there will be other good effects too, but I'm just trying this stuff out really. Maybe it will do wonders for me like it has for so many others, or maybe it won't. I don't know. However, parsnips is back on. Since last therapy - maybe because I realised I need to get focused on that aspect of our relationship again if we are going to fix it and carry on with the therapy. But things are definitely going well, and who knows if it's the supplements, because last night I woke Neil at 4am for parsnips!!!! That's never happened before :) So Cheryl is very pleased with us. We are too, actually :)

Gosh this is personal isn't it? It's on that line of "do I want to write about that, or don't I?" Sometimes I don't feel comfy writing that kind of thing, so I don't. But other times it just feels like it falls on the side of the line where I do want to write about it. I don't know. It's an awkward subject I suppose. Not for me personally, but it's different when it's on a public diary. I don't think I would write about it at all without substituting the word "parsnips", because at least that (hopefully) gets rid of a lot of yucky google hits.

Neil had a dizzy spell driving home from therapy tonight. It was quite scary actually. He suddenly went, "Woah!" and pulled over and asked me to drive the rest of the way home :S I have been all worried about him this evening, though he says he's fine. He says his vision went wobbly and there was a pressure on the back of his head that made him dizzy. Scary scary scary scary. It made me so scared. But he seems unphased by it, and says he will mention it when he goes to the doctor (hopefully tomorrow) for his LONG overdue check-up. He goes back to work after his study leave tomorrow too. I hope he's okay and that there isn't something horrible wrong with him. Maybe it was the effect of parsnips at 4am, halfway through a much-needed sleep :(

There is a ton of housework to be done around here, so I will have to get going on that tomorrow. I need to sort my sleep pattern out. Lately I have been up till 2am and then I can't sleep for another hour, so I then sleep till late morning the next day. Urgh. Pull thyself together Alice. And last night was the worst, because I couldn't sleep till well after 5 in the end. It's after midnight now so I should try to go to sleep soon. I need a good routine in the day or something. Man I feel pathetic when I write stuff like this.

Well I'm going now. I've run out of constructive things to say and I'm going to go and finish my wine, although I can't help feeling like I've forgotten something I wanted to mention. Oh well, I can always write about it tomorrow if there was anything. Back soon! :)

Recent entries.....

Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24
Update - 5th Anniversary and other stuff! - 2004-08-16
Church picnic and being happy and things :) - 2004-06-27
Barbeque at Cameron's house... - 2004-05-18
To Tara... - 2004-04-19