Great Christian Diaries

2003-10-26 - 12. 40am (27th)  previous entry  next entry

Back again. Thanks Laura-Ann and April for your guestbook entries. Laura-Ann, I'm sorry for your loss :( And April, thank you so much for the prayers and all your encouragement. I sure need those prayers. Thanks to people in general for leaving me alone about the thing I didn't want to talk about, after yesterday's entry. I'm grateful for that. And thank you to various lovely people for the uplifting and encouraging emails. I love you guys. All of you who are blessing me so much during this time.

Please pray for Jared's family tonight. Jared died yesterday of JMML, a rare form of leukaemia. He was four. I have been reading his mum's journal for the last week or so. There is so much hurt out there, I am discovering it from reading journals that parents are writing to keep them sane while they watch their children die. It's so heartbreaking, and I can't believe how much hurt there is in the world. I know there's way more than that but even so.... I can't believe it :( Thanks Vikki for leading me to Michelle's journal which led me to Gemma's journal, which led me to Julianna's journal, which led me to read about Jared. It breaks my heart and makes me feel so sad, but it is oddly enough a distraction from the pain I feel about Cameron. Is that weird? Am I getting too obsessed with children dying and death in general? I sometimes worry about that. But I can't stop reading and thinking about these children and about Cameron. One huge thing is I am now immensely immensely grateful that Cameron's death was so quick and his illness was so short in the end. I'm so thankful that he did not have to endure years of chemo or pain or sickness like some of these poor precious children have had to. The very thought of Cameron going through something like that makes me shudder, and that's why I was so scared he might have been diagnosed with leukaemia on that day when his mum left the phone message. When I found out that he had died instead, I thought how much WORSE that was than leukaemia. But now I'm not sure. Thank you God that you spared him that at least.

Neil and I have decided today that if we ever have a son (which I surely hope we do! I love little boys!) we are going to make him a full namesake for Cameron. We are both happy with it. Cameron Anthony. We like the name and the two names together, and they go with our surname fine. Neil was worried that I would be replacing Cameron, but I don't think I will do that. Right now I could not bear to have a son and name him Cameron, it is too painful and raw. But I am beginning to feel that as time passes the pain will not be so unbearable, and I may not feel so achy at the idea of naming a child of our own after Cameron. If I reach the stage where I am comfortable with the idea then that will be evidence that I am also out of the stage where I would want to try and replace him. Besides, our own Cameron Anthony could never replace my Cameron Anthony, ever. Two children are never the same, in fact much more likely that they are totally different. In no time a son of ours would show himself to be a thoroughly different child to the Cameron already in my heart, and that would be that from then on. Anyway, it's just an idea, but one we're both happy with, and we did talk it through for a long time when we walked together today in town. If for some reason as time passes, I never get comfy with having another child named Cameron - because I do feel I already have one - then we won't do it. We will use the name Cameron as a middle name instead. If we have a son of course.

Today has been a through-the-motions day, but surprisingly different in a good way I think. I had another Cameron dream last night and I woke from it, but it was like 1 or 2am, and I was scared to lose the memory of it but I was too groggy to get up and write it down. So I fell asleep again, and had more weird weird dreams (Cam did not visit me in any of those though), and then when I finally woke for church this morning I could not remember anything at all. I was so crushed. And cross with myself, because I KNEW I would forget if I allowed myself to go back to sleep. I remembered Cameron had been in my dream, and I remember he was of his current age, but that's all. I feel like I lost a memory of him, and since each one of those is precious like gold or silver to me at the moment, I feel really upset to have lost it.

But anyway. Such is life. I went to church this morning for the first time since the weekend after Cameron died. It was hard. I was nervous. I knew Sue and Judith would not be there. Neil was there of course, but I still feel constantly irritated by him at the moment. I am really trying not to speak it out when I'm with him, but it's really hard sometimes. I hurt all the time, emotionally, and also physically a lot of the time, and people being in close proximity to me makes the hurt feel like someone getting too near my skin when it's badly sunburnt or something. That sounds stupid. I don't really mind closeness, in fact sometimes I need it, but mostly it makes me want to push people away because it hurts and I can't bear to be touched. That's it exactly, I can't bear to be touched. Sometimes Neil and I hug and linger in it though, and that feels nice, but then halfway through it feels painful again so that's the end of that. Neil is being wonderful and so understanding. He is wonderful.

I can't believe I am finding things so much worse these days, rather than in the earlier weeks. It has been four weeks and four days. I wonder if maybe it is so much more raw now because I never gave myself any permission to own this grief before recently. Or maybe I was just in shock. I don't know. Some of the mums when they write about how they are coping in the weeks and months after their children have died, they write and seem to be experiencing the same kind of things to what I've been experiencing lately. Reading stuff like that is immensely reassuring, because I think, "Wow, she was his MOTHER. And I can identify with what she is writing - I even had that exact same experience yesterday!" That makes me feel wonderful because of how it confirms what my heart has been saying for 10 years, that Cameron was and is and always will be, mine, in my innermost being. But also reading things like that makes me feel afraid of being insensitive, selfish, and attention-seeking. Because no matter how painful I think I am finding things, and no matter how much I think Cameron is mine, and no matter how things these mothers write seem to match my own experience of feelings and occurrances from day to day, I can never put myself on their "level" of grief, because Cameron was not really mine. He wasn't half my DNA. I didn't birth him. I can't understand these things and the effect they have on a parent when that child dies.

But I feel torn because one minute I think, ohhhh at last I can really say he MUST have been mine as far as my heart is concerned, as much as if he really WAS mine, because look - look at how it's ripping me up inside and how I can read other mothers write the same things as I feel inside. Which is a huge relief. But then the next minute I feel like I mustn't allow such self-centredness because how dare I assume I know what it is to lose a child of my own? And I'm angry on their behalf at myself. And then forgiving of myself and accepting of the grief and the level of my bond with Cam. And then back to angry and disgusted again. I hate having nowhere to put my feelings for Cameron or my grief over losing him. I have no real-life connection that does my feelings any justice.

Church was good I think. We sang some lovely worship songs. I had no oomph in me to sing them and I watched other people while I sang instead of focusing much on God. But then we sang "Great Big God" with all the actions, and you know that's one of my favourites! And my pastor and his family were sat in front of us. He and his wife have three boys, aged 8, 6 and almost 2. They are gorgeous boys. The little one is scrumptious, he is the cutest thing. He was lying back in his pushchair about to take a nap, and when the music started, his brothers jumped up for joy because they love that song, and they immediately pulled the little boy out of his pushchair and had him do the actions with them. Benjamin (that's the little one) didn't mind being all awake for the song at all. He LOVES to do action songs. He knows all the actions better than most of the adults, and he is so so so so so cute acting them out at the front like that! I love the bit where we sing about God being deeper than a submarine - he pinches his nose and wiggles his bottom down to the ground, and then bounces up again with the hugest smile on his face and his eyes shining, ready to do the "he's wider than the universe" actions - you can not possibly know how cute this child is!

Anyway his parents and brothers were just laughing and smiling with him as they sang along, they just looked radiant. And then I remembered they lost their baby at 12 weeks gestation only a few weeks ago. They are still fixing their eyes on God and I am so sure they are grieving painfully inside at the same time. That really spoke volumes to me this morning. I found myself feeling so warm and fuzzy watching Benjamin and laughing at him too, and it really warmed my heart. The next song we sang was upbeat too, and we sang over and over and over, "Great is the Lord, Sovereign King, we give you praise!" The music came alive and the drums thumped and the beat went on and on, and Benjamin and his daddy and oldest brother and good old Gordon (our lovely housegroup leader) joined hands in a little circle over at the side of the room, and danced and jumped each other round and round, laughing for joy. Wow it softened my heart soooo much to watch those children, not to mention the adults! :) And suddenly I meant the words with all my heart: "Great is the Lord! Sovereign King, we give you PRAISE!" I wanted to lift my hands but they felt heavy, so I lifted my heart and closed my eyes, and just worshipped my God. Cameron was not in my head then, for that time while I was totally fixed on Jesus. I suppose that must be good? I'm not sure I like it when he isn't in my head though. But I know it's right to just let go of everything, no matter what it is, just everything that's distracting you from God, and worship him with all you have. I didn't feel like I had much this morning and I said I was sorry I didn't have much to offer, but I know he accepts just the offering of worship as a precious gift. So that's okay.

Later when the songs became slower and more worshipful, I found it difficult to focus on God again because the music seemed to reflect pain that was in my heart and that made me want to withdraw somewhat. The sermon was good. It was about the tongue, and how we as Christians should guard what comes from our mouths, because the tongue has the power of life and death (I can't remember the verse that's from), and to bless or destroy another person. Christians should always speak out of love. As I sat listening, I couldn't stop thinking about yesterday's diary entry when I spouted off angrily at people who have a different belief to me about something and don't like that I disagree. We'll have to agree to disagree people. But I want to say I'm sorry for being angry and sarcastic and everything else I was yesterday that wasn't wholesome and uplifting. I need to keep a closer watch over what I say, even what I write, because that amounts to the same thing. I could have got the same point across without being so.... manipulatively angry, I guess. Or whatever I was. It's certainly not how Jesus would have said it, so I'm sorry, because I really really want to be more like Jesus and I wasn't yesterday. Not that I want to repeat the conversation or open it up for discussion again, but I wish I hadn't said it like that.

Anyway after church Neil reached over to give me a hug where we were sitting, and Gordon appeared and put his arms round both of us and hugged us just as we were hugging each other. Afterwards he just smiled and he didn't say anything before he disappeared again, but the look in his eyes said it all. He knows about Cam and how I'm finding it because I spoke to him about it when I pulled out of Alpha. He gave us a look so full of compassion and love, and it just said, "I love you and I'm here for you." He is lovely. I am so blessed by my church family, as always.

We left quickly after church finished and didn't chat to anyone. I wanted to leave. I think it was good to go to church, but it wasn't too easy and it felt too much today to socialise afterwards. We went to Sainsbury's and did the food shopping. I felt so empty and sad. I feel like I should make more of an effort not to be so quiet and mopey around Neil but I think he is getting used to it because he doesn't ask what's up all the time like he did at first. Poor Neil. I was in the frozen food section grabbing a bag of chicken nuggets (I have a thing for them at the moment!) and a man wheeled a huge trolley full of stuff past me and he had two boys with him, running ahead. As we passed each other he called out, "Cameron!" to the elder of his two kids, and then an instruction of some sort but the "Cameron" bit was still echoing in my ears so I don't remember that part. Is this really going to get easier? I know it will eventually, but sometimes it really doesn't feel like it.

Well after shopping we came home and had a nice meal. We watched some old episodes of "The Royle Family" which I find so funny, so that was nice. And right after that I suddenly had the urge to go out to the cinema!!! Wow! I never feel like going out, even before Cameron died. So this was unusual, and we grabbed the opportunity and left immediately! We saw "Intolerable Cruelty" which opened this weekend, and it was really good. So that was fun. As we left the cinema I felt like it was a really good thing for me to get out and do things and have some fun. People and websites have been telling me to do that, but I haven't wanted to, even knowing they are probably right. So I haven't. But today I realised that it was something I just had to make myself do, I think. I felt the same hollow achy sadness, but it was layered like oil and water, with a sort of good feeling of having been out and been active and enjoyed doing something with somebody. Neither feeling made the other one any less, but I knew it had been good for me. So maybe I will try a bit more from now on. It was like in church when we were singing, when I wanted to praise God and the only way I could focus on him was to fix my eyes on the overhead screen, and read the words staccato, letting my eye fall hard on each word and sometimes each syllable, because doing that drummed Cameron to the back of my mind with the beat of every word, and made me concentrate more on each word I was singing, which was about God being wonderful.

On the way back to the car, which was parked a fair way away, we talked about naming a child of our own after Cameron. The walk gave us a good while to talk it through, and I'm glad we did. I told Neil I would like to show him Cameron's grave some day. He had to work during the funeral so he never saw it, and I always go alone to the cemetery.

Neil is leaving me the car all week, so that I can visit the cemetery whenever I need to. Because it is getting dark earlier now, I am going to pick him up from the train station whenever he works late. He says he can do the 20 minute walk fine, which he can, but I don't like the idea of him walking through those particular streets in the dark. I am happy to pick him up anyway.

I got freshly squeezed raspberry and orange juice at Sainsbury's today. I like treats. In fact I am going to get a glass of it right now, because I just feel like some of it! I know it's 25 minutes past midnight but oh well. I hope I dream of Cam tonight, and this time I will make myself get up and write it down, even something basic that will trigger the memory off in the morning. Maybe I will keep a pad of paper and a pen nearby? I don't want to lose anything of Cameron, and I feel like each new dream is a new memory, which is rubbish of course, but I don't want to acknowledge that yet.

I'm sure there was something else. I'll get my drink and think before I post this, incase the something else comes to mind.

Okay I'm back. Man this drink is good. Neil is going on the Alpha weekend away next weekend. I'm not. Today he suggested I go to stay with my parents to chill out a bit while he's away and maybe a few days either side. Now I know I'm being crazy because I miss my parents so much and normally I'd jump at the idea. But I really don't want to go. I know this is silly but I feel like I don't want to leave Cameron right now, I don't want to feel far from him. I know he's gone anyway, and there's nothing left here, and I'll be no further away from him in France than I am here. But I ache to be at the cemetery a lot, and if I don't go when the ache starts then it gets awful. I don't want to be packed off somewhere to "get away" from it all, or to be distracted. I WANT to sit in it and let it hurt for now. I don't need protecting. And while I'd love to spend time with my parents, right now I feel raw and like I need to be alone, and like I need to be close to where Cameron is, both in spirit and in his grave. This is where he lived, this area, and I don't want to leave it at the moment. Today I have noticed that I feel desperate to see Cameron's mum a lot of the time. I will NOT contact her, of course, until she contacts me when she is ready. But I long to spend time with her and chat with her, and just BE with her. Like she's my last link to Cameron. To hear her voice even, will remind me of him. I desperately want reminders. Preferably new reminders, because then it's like he keeps on living. I know I probably don't make sense a lot, but I just have to write what I'm feeling. I wanted to go to the cemetery this weekend again, but like last weekend I stayed away incase it was a time where his family might go. I know they might go in the week too, but I don't know.... weekends seem like a time when the whole family might get the time to visit him, and I don't want to intrude. If I saw them there when I turned up anytime, I would drive right past and wait on the far side of the cemetery in my car till I saw them leave, before going to see Cameron myself. Unless they saw me first.

I love them and miss them so much at the moment. I feel like I need them, some contact with them. I haven't got the connection they have, and I feel lonely trying to bridge the gap on my own. But I will wait. I still need to send a card or letter, and I will, but I want to be sensitive. I hope and pray they are doing okay and coping with everything. It hurts to think of what they must be going through, if I feel like this. I need to write that letter to Cameron too, which I think will be hard. I think maybe I'll start that this week. I did not want to start it at the weekend because I have a feeling it will be hard and my hurt might grow and that means I would probably tolerate someone else near me even less, so I thought it was better to wait till the week when Neil would be at work in the day.

Well I think that's it. Long entry again, sorry. I will finish my juice and go to bed, as it's getting really late now. Back tomorrow though, I'm sure.

Recent entries.....

Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24
Update - 5th Anniversary and other stuff! - 2004-08-16
Church picnic and being happy and things :) - 2004-06-27
Barbeque at Cameron's house... - 2004-05-18
To Tara... - 2004-04-19