I'm feeling ....
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More to follow....
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2003-12-16 - 11.03pm previous entry next entry I've been meaning to write for a few days but kept not getting round to it. But I'm still here! In fact, here I am, wearing my Winnie the Pooh pyjamas (2 days ago):   Neil's attempt to take a half-decent photo of me so that my parents could see that I don't look any different since the last time they saw me (which feels like forever ago)!!! I think I was in mid-sentence in both. *sigh* Anyway, I am doing okay. Percy is still not well :( He is better in himself and taking more interest in his surroundings, but he isn't eating really, and he's still losing 50g a day in weight, which the vet is not going to like. He isn't being sick anymore though, which is good. They are taking him back to the vet tomorrow to chat, as he says Percy can't go on like this. I hope things will go okay. Mummy is going to phone me after the appointment. Daddy sent me a couple of photos of the cats yesterday, and it was so sad to see Percy so thin and little. He looks tiny next to Paddy now, and they have always been so alike (especially in size!). Poor baby. Emily came to see me yesterday, which was lovely. We chatted for a while, and it was so nice because Emily talked to me about Cameron and just things I am feeling, and we dug a bit deeper into why I seem to have stopped going to church lately. It was really good to talk it through with someone who understood - well, from reading my diary, that is! I didn't have to pretend or explain, which was so refreshing. That's what puts me off about socialising and going to church lately. I either have to pretend or explain, and there's no inbetween, and I can't face either these days. Also I think I really do need to ask people to pray with me about it all at church. I have been avoiding that because I've been scared about becoming emotional and crying with people. I keep thinking that if I open up, especially asking for help, and get vulnerable with people, then drop all my walls and let God into my heart, that I'm gonna just cry and cry and cry forever, and that scares me. Plus I hate the idea of other people seeing that happen. I really think I need to get over that now. I need to just face it anyway. I think God wants me out of this restriction I'm living in, regarding all these fears. I don't think he wants me fearful of emotions and fearful of sickness and fearful of so many things in life. They hold me back, and God has made everything possible for me to live life to the full, and I'm not doing it. So somehow I need to leap what feels like the Grand Canyon and start living like I need to be living. Hmmm. Emily prayed with me which was wonderful. I think I really need some Christian support at the moment. I should find some! :) Judith would always pray with me if I ask her to, but I have been shying away from that because I don't feel like I can be totally vulnerable with her. I feel in some way like maybe she'll be opinionated with me or put pressure on me in some way. She won't mean any harm or probably even know she's doing it, but I really don't need that at the moment, so I'm avoiding asking her to pray with me incase that happens. Getting vulnerable with other people is so hard for me, that I don't want to risk jeopardising it with someone's insensitive comment or something like that. I want soooo much to talk and pray with Sue, but I feel I can't ask her. She's so busy now that she's working for our church. When Cameron died I asked her, and she explained that she wished she could meet up with me regularly to pray but she simply had no time at all, and she suggested Judith - if I was comfortable going to Judith, which I said I was. But I'm not. Not really. Now I feel like I don't want to pester Sue by asking her. Blah. I am really tired this week. I always hate saying that I'm feeling really tired, because it's practically offensive to people with M.E - many of whom read this diary, I know. I know how it feels because I used to be really ill with it too. But I guess that was then. And though my tiredness doesn't compare with M.E. tiredness, man I'm still tired all the same. My eyes sting and I have these huuuge bags under them. I feel out of breath a lot and I am just bumming around the house all the time, because I feel so wiped. Either I am fighting something off, or I am just utterly fed up with not sleeping properly for so long. Probably the latter though. I still can't sleep till around 3am, although I do sleep in quite late in the morning. It takes me soooo long to get to sleep, even if I am knackered, but in the day I can drop off pretty quick. That doesn't help though, because then my sleep at night is even more messed up! Grrr. I am just getting tireder and tireder, but still can't sleep till 3am. Neil says I should just go to bed like 5 hours before I want to fall asleep, and then I'll be asleep by the right time. He says a lot of "helpful" things that are only gonna be useful to someone like Neil who falls asleep as his eyes shut like one of those dolls with the eyelids that open and close. My brain switches on the moment I am horizontal, and I can't switch it off. I think about Cameron a lot, but not just him, all sorts of things. Even movies or stuff from years ago. I have tried being really strict with myself and stopping any thought that comes in my head, even if I have to do that every few seconds. And I've tried replacing those thoughts with soothing music in my mind or calming images, but it never lasts and I'm on a different train of thought before I even notice it's happened. How do you switch your brain off at night?!! I don't know how. Sometimes it's music playing in my head too loud for me to sleep, and I can't switch it off. It really annoys me, though normally I love that my head is full of music. But it does keep me awake at night. Anyway. So I'm tired. I did a bit of sewing last night. I have watched The Sound of Music twice. I seem to be having a Sound of Music fetish of late. It's like comfort food. But the hills are now very much alive with the sound of music when I try to sleep at night (!!), which, much as I love that song, annoys the diddly out of me when I am tired and need to sleep! Ooh this is a boring entry isn't it? Hmmm. I wonder if Cheryl is better from her flu yet? We have therapy tomorrow - our last one before 2004 - and she was ill last week with flu, so who knows if she will be well enough tomorrow? Maybe I'll phone in and ask if she's back at work. They might forget to let me know otherwise. Neil has had 2 days of study leave this week - today and yesterday. Right now he's at an Alpha group/housegroup special evening - they are showing The Grinch on a big screen at David's house. We were both going, but I am just too tired to do anything so I stayed. I think maybe I'll go to bed after this entry and hope I fall asleep sooner than expected! I think Neil should be home soon anyway. I took him to see Cameron's grave yesterday - at last! I have been wanting to for a while. Yesterday he asked if I could give him a lift to Uni, and I came right out and asked him when he would come with me to the cemetery. He ummed and uhhed. I said why not today? He said he needed to work at Uni. I said it was on the way. He made more excuses, so I told him how I felt about that (ie. not happy!). So he said okay, and he came with me. He denies not wanting to go, but hmmm, I'm getting different vibes. Anyway, we went, and Neil was glad to have been. He went really quiet at Cameron's grave. I talked, babbled really, about what it was like at the funeral, where this had been and that, and pointed out this and that around Cam's grave and things that I am used to seeing. I told him how hard it was to be there when I missed Cameron deeply, because of how empty it was there. It was MUCH more of a relief to say that to him while we were there, because instead of just listening, he was truly understanding because he could see it for himself and know where I was coming from. He watched me dig all the soil in Cam's grave so that it was loose and soft-looking, and I picked all the leaves off like usual. I took another bunch of purple daisies and laminated a little note with a sticker on that I attached, saying, "Still missing you Cameron - Alice xxx" He said he found it too much to comprehend that Cameron was in a box below our feet. Well, you know, his body anyway. That's how I feel a lot, but I guess I am getting used to that idea now. I don't like that one bit, but I can't deny that it is definitely becoming the norm, and I'm realising that this is how life is going to be now. Life must go on, and it will, no matter what I do about it, or how I try to stick with the past. Taking Neil to the cemetery was hard because it was a first, and because I let him into something very personal for me. And because I didn't want to chat to Cam like I normally do when I visit his grave. I felt funny. I was so glad to take Neil with me though. I'm so glad we went together. Anyone else want to see Cameron's grave? I feel like showing my darling boy off to the world, now that I can approach his grave without breaking into a million pieces. He's there, even though he's not there, and I love him. Right now I think I am doing better about his death. It's definitely a better patch. I haven't thought about him too much today. But there will be lower patches, and even better patches. One thing I know is that Cam loved life, and he won't be having any regrets or wishing himself back here now. I wouldn't either, not for a second, if I was where he is now. So life here really does have to go on. Right now I am able to see that and go along with it, for now. I'm glad because it feels like a relief, and I don't have such an ache or such a weight on my shoulders all the time. I know it's an up-and-down road, but I'm happy to be feeling better for now, though I miss him so. Well I'm trying to think what other news I might have, but I don't think there is any more. I am writing a fair bit in my pre-pregnancy diary because we are back into trying our best to conceive, and right now I am about to ovulate so I am kind of distracted from normal stuff! ;) Bah. Neil has just arrived home (slight intermission there!) and now my bubble is burst :( Our housegroup leader announced she is pregnant - 12 weeks - and I know she didn't want to have any children. When I talked to her in the spring about how Neil and I were about to start trying for a baby, she seemed quite repulsed at the idea, and certainly didn't want to try it herself! So I am glad I wasn't there. And am not sure how I fancy going back again either. It sucks so much when people who don't care to have kids, or who weren't even trying, get pregnant, and other people (like me I guess) who DESPERATELY want children and have been longing and waiting for it since childhood, and who are trying for all they're worth, don't. I know it doesn't really suck, because it's great for people who get pregnant so easily. That's how it should be. But I feel so bitter about it. It feels so unfair. Unfair enough as it is that we aren't getting pregnant when we so long for it, but more so when it's rubbed in our faces by friends who don't want a baby getting pregnant. Sucky. Sorry. That bubble was nice while it lasted, eh? |
Recent entries..... Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24 |
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