I'm feeling ....
More to follow....
Today has been a good day! The weather is so nice today, the sky has been blue and the sun bright. It's been warm enough for me to have the window open all day, and all the leaves are properly out on the trees now. There was a gentle breeze today and the leaves were making that lovely rushing sound on the silver birch trees in the next garden to ours. It all looked so lovely and pretty that I felt quite contented just being alive and seeing it all.
After I'd been sitting and watching for a while, I suddenly thought what a great day for washing it would be! So I put a massive wash on, and then I hung it all out on the line to dry. While it was in the machine, I got the rake and started to rake up the loose grass from when Neil mowed the lawn yesterday. I knew I wouldn't be able to do much, but I just wanted to be out there in the air and sunshine DOING something. I raked about 2 square metres and then I was too tired out to continue. I put the grass on the pile at the end of the garden. My arms felt "zingy" from using the rake but I felt normal, like nobody would really know I wasn't fine if they happened to see me. It was very refreshing, emotionally.
Talking of emotions, I then watched Neighbours, which I have done every day for the whole time I've been ill (a year and a half). For anyone who doesn't know, Neighbours is an Australian soap that's hugely popular in the UK. I'm not a fan of soaps in general, but Neighbours is my exception! I have watched it since I was 11 when it started here, although I did have a big break from it when it got boring in the '90s. Anyway, a character (Madge) who has been in it since I started watching, died today of cancer. It was so sad, I can't tell you. I knew it would be a tear-jerker, I mean I've been crying at recent episodes like her diagnosis and people trying to come to terms with it. But today knocked me out. I cried and sobbed and was quite overwhelmed by it all. I found the acting to be so good and I could empathise with all the characters so much. Some people have said they didn't act that well, but I can't see where they're getting that idea from. It was SO good. So moving. Also I will miss that character so much, she has been there longer than any of the other characters. Oh it sounds silly I know, but it just seems to have really affected me. When the title music had finished at the end I was still crying, and despite cheery adverts for upcoming programmes, I just couldn't stop. The next programme started, which I wanted to see so I kept the TV on, and I was still sobbing! I am okay now, I just was so sad at the time. It was so well done. Not cheesy at all. Very sensitively done.
So I am feeling a bit tired and hollow now, like I do when I've been crying a lot in the last 12 hours, but I am otherwise not too bad after all I've done today, which is great! My appetite is really big at the moment too, which is unusual, but then I am probably catching up from the weekend.
I am watching the birds go to bed at the moment, past the computer and out of the window. The sun has gone down and the sky is pink where it was. The birds are silhouetted against the sky now, and those beautiful silver birch trees too. I have really enjoyed watching God's creation today. Everything he has made is so perfect, so wonderful. There have been little birds and squirrels on our patio this evening, right through the patio door that I'm sitting at a table behind with the computer. I could see all the tiny markings on the birds. I just feel so peaceful and full of awe at God's creation tonight.
"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands." (Psalm 19:1)
Wow, it's been a while since I quoted any scriptures here hasn't it? Actually I have just realised that it has been a while since I read the Bible. Hmmm. That kind of explains a lot, now I think about it. Praise God for his Word.
"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light for my path." (Psalm 119:105)
How true is that?! My "path" has seemed unsteady recently. I've even said in the last couple of weeks, about how I feel like I'm blundering around in a fog and not knowing the way. Well where was God's Word? I wasn't reading it. I wasn't using it to learn about God and receive his teaching. There was no light on my path. My lamp was dim. This explains why I have felt so lost with God recently. I should have guessed - it always happens when I take my eyes off him, and I know it makes a huge difference to me when I am reading the Bible everyday. It stimulates praise and worship, and passion and love. It fills me with new strength and understanding, by God's own Spirit. Wow! God is so good! He just provides for our "daily bread" so well. This has been a wake up call for me as I've written my diary tonight. Thank you Lord.
Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24