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Unofficial Christian Diaryland Webring!
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2003-10-03 - 12.11pm previous entry next entry How weird. I am using a PC and typing this in Word. We got a new PC last night and spent the evening setting it up. It’s really nice. It’s just not my Mac though :( I love my Mac. This has a bigger screen and a “better” version of AOL, but so far it just looks odd and unfamiliar and I am well put-off using it. Plus the “better” version of AOL doesn’t organise my favourites into alphabetical order. I’m fussy like that! And everything looks weird and like I don’t know it at all, even my usual favourite sites that I go to every day – they all look odd :( I don’t like it. Neil says I will get used to it. I think he’s right but it’s a shame things feel so weird when I normally use my time online for comfort at the moment. Anyway, when my Sims games turn up I will be able to use them. Post is arriving again so it should be soonish. There are big boxes piled up in here, and my poor little Mac and all its wires on the floor in the corner :( Who’d have thought I would be so funny about a new computer?! I like it though – I’m sure I’ll get used to it, and it’s got a flat screen which is all nice on my eyes. Thanks so much for the lovely messages of support in my guestbook. I appreciate them so much. Meg, I haven’t decided on going to see Cam’s body yet. I know I am pretty much out of time, so I have the car today and I plan to drive to the funeral parlour and just sit across the road so I can just be there and see the place. Is that weird? I just want to feel closer to Cam, but I know that’s gonna make me feel empty when I get there, since it’s only his body in there. But anyway, I thought I might do that. I don’t know if I can bear to see him, incase he looks really different. I think I’ll know better when I’m actually there. I don’t think I can just go in and see him if I did change my mind, because you have to make an appointment so they can get him ready. I spent five hours sleeping and four hours with this whole decision on my mind in bed last night. I know I’ll wish I’d been to see him once my time is up and the funeral takes place, but right now I don’t know if I could. I’m afraid of how I’ll react, which is probably a bigger fear than how he looks. I have one more coat to paint on our new front door – I only got one done yesterday – and then it’s finished! Wow, that door has taken all week to prepare! And yesterday I finally went out of the house and did something useful. I went to the butchers and did an enormous food-shop at the supermarket. Yesterday morning, our fridge contained a lump of cheese, half a pot of (off) cream, a pint of milk in the bottom of a 6-pinter, and four tomatoes. Hmmm! The cupboards were similar, and the bread was stale, so I knew the food shopping was long overdue. Anyway, that was good. I went out and did something normal at last. Neil had his first day on his MSc degree yesterday!! His first day of lectures. They give him Thursday afternoons off work every week so he can attend them, which is brilliant, but he does have to make the hours up every week too, which isn’t so brilliant. Reasonable yes, but not great as he’s having to do more and he always got so tired on what he was doing anyway. His MSc is in Applied GIS (Geographic Information Systems). He already has a diploma in that and an honours degree in Geography. He was all worried about whether he’d get on the course, but I told him they would be gagging for someone with his qualifications! They were :) They waived the rules about it being too late for him to register, and seemed desperate for him to do the course! My clever Neil :) I had a weird dream last night that I needed to get a train out of London but nothing was running. And I was totally stuck there. I kept going back to this London funeral place which had a massive cemetery out the back door on the top floor (?!). I wanted to find Cam’s grave but there kept being huge funerals on and people were all sobbing in the streets and on the pathways so I couldn’t get past, so I kept giving up and going back to the train station. Neil was at the station but there were never any trains, and we went to camp out on a platform. Neil’s mum was there, and after quite a lot of hours I was getting all snappy and irritable. She started talking to Neil like he was a little boy and disciplining him, etc, and then I rolled my eyes at how ridiculous that was, and she asked if I would like to go and stand in the corner until I could behave myself!!!!!!! So I said no, I would not, thank you, and Neil was trying to catch my attention, shaking his head to warn me not to say that, which made me all the more mad. I gave her this huge speech about how I was too old to be disciplined and in any case God was the only one I’d allow to discipline me, so no, I would not stand in the corner or take any other orders from her. Yikes. Don’t know where that dream came from! I don’t have a bone of contention with my MIL at all in reality. She was heavy on the discipline though in years gone by. In the dream she was all angry about it for a while and the she got all pleased with me and said my relationship with God sounded strong. Weird, weird, weird. Not sure what else to write. I feel a bit oddly disconnected from my normal flow of thoughts when I come to write my diary, because this computer is distracting me and making me feel like I’m not really writing my diary. I hope I get used to it soon. We are getting AOL broadband when they set it up in a week or so. It sounds good, and we got money off the PC for setting up with it. We’re already AOL customers so it’s an easy transition. Anyway, that wasn’t exciting news, sorry. What else can I write? I don’t know…. Nope, I really don’t know. I guess I’ll stop then. I need to update my other diary I suppose, as it’s been a while. I haven’t been thinking as much about getting pregnant as other months – which I guess is understandable – but it has popped up in my mind from time to time. And right now I’m waiting for a period – another weekish I reckon. I’ll have to check my chart and stuff. I need to phone Cam’s mum to find out how formal the funeral is going to be. I don’t know what to wear. I don’t want it to happen. It’s too final. I wish Cameron was alive with us. With me. |
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