Great Christian Diaries

2003-11-22 - 4.55pm  previous entry  next entry

Thanks Alison for your guestbook entry :)

Well hello. It's really weird when I can't check what I wrote in my last entry before I write the next one - I forget where I'm at and what I've said and everything. I don't even remember when I last wrote. Let's see.... it must be Wednesday, or Thursday? Well it's Saturday now so I ought to catch up a bit.

First of all - I am 100% un-thrilled about rugby, but I have to say well done England for winning a world cup at last!! That's the first time England has won a world cup in anything since football in 1966!!! And when I say "world", I do not mean it like in America where "world" actually means "national" - I mean global, so that is pretty good! :) Well done England's rugby team!

I have not been to Cameron's grave since Monday. Is that weird? (that's not a question by the way, I'm just asking myself) It feels slightly odd, since usually I seem to go a couple of times a week, and five days feels like a long time. But it's not that long really. Neil asked me if I wanted to go to the cemetery today, and I said no. Feels weird. But this week has been much easier for whatever reason, regarding Cameron.

I'm just randomly spouting bits of news by the way, incase you hadn't noticed yet! I just feel like that today.

On Thursday I had a bad mean nasty tummy. Nothing wrong with me, I have not had a bug or anything. I have just had the most awful IBS - EBS, I like to call it (Enraged Bowel Syndrome) when it's that bad. It's certainly more than "irritable". I woke up with the worst pain in my whole abdomen and sides that morning, and spent the day moving as little as possible. I felt nauseous most of the day so I didn't eat very much, and then by the evening I felt all weak and shaky so I ate a ham sandwich, which made me feel a lot better (if a little pummelled in the stomach region!). I know it was EBS because I actually had a FLAT stomach, I mean, completely flat, like my tummy naturally is, but I haven't seen it flat for three years now because I've had continuous IBS all that time and so it's been bloaty and poochy. But occasionally I have the painful type of IBS just for a day or two, which is waaaaaaay worse than my normal symptoms and very different, and that always makes it flat again.

Anyway the pain was all gone on Friday, but I still felt iffy so I didn't do much. And today I feel fine and am eating Cadbury's Dairy Milk chocolate with shortcake biscuit in it as we speak! :) I know, probably not the wisest thing to eat, but oh well. It's yummy, and I have no self-discipline.

It's only 2.45pm and already the street lights are on outside. It's pouring with rain today and dark and gloomy and wintery, so I guess it's going to be dark in an hour or so. How weird. I can't believe we're this far into the winter already. Where's the year gone?!!

Our internet connection still isn't sorted out, but pah, it's getting boring to write about that so I won't.

I was playing The Sims yesterday. I am so proud of my Sims! :) I should be an architect, their houses are so gorgeous! :) It's fun being able to build two storeys instead of just one on the Gamecube version. Gardens are so fun to build as well. I make pretty gardens with nice trees and flowers and a bench by a big pond with lily pads on it. One morning my Sims got up and there were ducks on their pond! I love The Sims. But yesterday two of my Sims got sick. I never heard of Sims getting sick before! But they started coughing and sneezing and generally acting really ill and having no energy!! Then after a few days they died!!! So I went online (thank goodness for online Sims sites!) and searched for this illness that killed my Sims, and I found out that it was because I got them a guinea pig which they should have cleaned out more often, and it bit them when they were playing with it (I remember that, but thought nothing of it) and they got this contagious disease!! Gosh, I have been playing The Sims for a while but I am still finding new things all over the place! Anyway, I went back and replayed it, and this time I put my Sims to bed for days and had them order pizza instead of exerting themselves by cooking, and they got better. Then I sold the darn guinea pig and bought a pet turtle instead! Heh. This is not riveting is it?

Ooh, saved by the bell! My brother just phoned as I was writing the last sentence, and he was calling from our old house where he and Sarah are picking up the last few things and cleaning the kitchen, etc. He wanted to know if I want the two plants left in the house and the big spaghetti jar, and if I can take something to a charity shop for them. He said they are just about to leave a note for the milkman (who won't stop leaving milk even though they cancelled the account and told him they have moved away!), and then post their keys through the letter box and leave for the last time :( :( :( Soooo sad. I'll have to do that this week too :( I can't bear the idea of closing the door and posting my mummy's keys that have always been her keys in my memory, through the letter box, and that's it, I can no longer get into the house that has been my home since I was five. The new people are moving in on Friday. I can't believe it. I had a dream about them there last night. I hope they take nice care of the house. The piano is gone now, which is sad because I really fancied playing it again when I go round :(

I have been taking my supplements for 8 days now. I don't know if it's making a difference to my hormones yet, or if it will at all. I am feeling kind of PMSy physically, and I'm not due my period for a week or two yet. Maybe it's not going to work, or maybe it will take longer to have an effect? Judith said it might possibly have a mild detox effect after a few days, although for her it was almost non-existant (with the immune boosting one). But I have noticed from last weekend that I've been having weird sweats. I haven't noticed any in the last 2 days though, so maybe that was a detox effect? It made me feel like I was sweating goo and I felt like I was a funny temperature (when I wasn't). Weird. But it's gone now.

Who knows if I'm doing better for it, because I've been sooooo stupid with my eating and sleeping lately, so I have been feeling slightly pants as a result. My sleep is seriously out of hand! I can't sleep till after 3am, even if I go to bed much earlier, and then I can't function well the next day if I don't sleep till 11ish, plus I can't seem to wake up before then anyway. Soooo bad. Then of course I have missed breakfast so I eat sort of breakfasty food for lunch, and then dinner with Neil and then that's it so I have 2 meals, one of which is puny. Bleh. Today I was completely oblivious to anything until Neil woke me up saying it was 12.30pm!!!!! I feel so bad. Something has got to be done. I will try waking myself up at a normal time, no matter how little sleep I've had. That should do it if I persevere. Either that, or this is a very good time for a trip to America! :) I'm already on EST as it is. When I go to sleep, it's 10.30pm in New York. And when I wake up it's around 7am. Ahhh New York. I'd love to go there again.

Hmnhmmm... what else can I talk about? Not much is happening. Neil is back at work after his study leave (and hating it because people are being horrible to him again), and he's asleep in bed at the moment, taking a nap. Of course that might be because I woke him at 2.30am ;) Perhaps the supplements are working after all?! ;)

Today we were talking about weird stuff. Well about death really. Ours, that is. And terminal illness. Weird thing to talk about, I know. But it all started because on Neighbours (UK/Australian soap I love), there's this character (Steph) who is around my age, maybe a bit younger. And she has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer. I love her character, and I think it's all being done really well. It has had a positive effect on my awareness of things like this - I've been checking my breasts like crazy since the storyline started! When they first had Steph diagnosed, I remember thinking that if that was me, I don't think I would want to have treatment. I feel like I couldn't bear chemotherapy, I would be so terrified of the nausea and vomiting, and I would honestly rather die than live like that. Plus even if I survived, I feel like cancer would always be breathing down my neck, threatening to return, and that would be terrible if I was young and was scared that my children (if I had any) or loved ones might suddenly have to go thorugh losing me. I couldn't bear my children to grow up without a mother. I think if I was diagnosed with cancer before I had children, and I survived and was still able to have children afterwards, I would choose not to, because I would be scared to leave them without me if the cancer returned. Or to leave Neil as a single father.

Anyway, Neighbours has stirred up a lot of thoughts and feelings for me recently as I watch the storyline unfold. Interestingly enough, Steph did not want treatment at first, but she's going to have it now. After this week's episodes, there has been a little clip of the actress who plays Steph, saying there's information about how they researched the storyline on the Neighbours website. So last night when I went online to check messages and stuff, I went there to have a quick read.

I found it really interesting to see how thoroughly and well researched their story is, and find out how they did it. Also to find out some of the actress's thoughts on cancer. She said the story made her more aware, because she never thought it could happen to her, and now she's not thinking like that anymore. She has regular breast checks and stuff now. I am the same, I never think anything like that could happen to me, but it really could. What's the latest ratio? Is it one in three, or one in five people will get cancer in their lifetime? I can't remember which, but let's say it's 1 in 3. This sounds a bad way to think about it, but think if a doctor told me I had a 1 in 3 chance of developing cancer. That would seem like terrible news and bad odds wouldn't it? But it's everyone's probability (or 1 in 5, whichever it is). So it's naiive of me to think that it could never happen to me. And young people get it too, as I'm discovering more and more as I read diaries online and things. I was really shocked to read that Delta Goodrem (18-year-old singer from Neighbours) has been diagnosed with cancer - Hodgkins Lymphoma. I can't believe that. But she is all positive and is undergoing chemo and radiotherapy, and her prognosis is pretty good. But I didn't know that till last night so that was a shock too.

Then there was this other thing that the actress who plays Steph said she'd learnt. She said she has learnt that you have to enjoy your life and live each day like it's your last, because one day it will be. And that reeeeally hit me, because I don't do that at ALL. I live my life generally in fear of things, and therefore don't live life to the full. The answer to all this new thinking about the possibility of cancer isn't to live in fear of it happening, because what would be the point of that? If it really does happen to me, and someone could come back in time and tell me now that I would get cancer in say three years time, what would I do? After the initial shock, would I want to sit at home like I do now, and wait fearfullly for it to happen? No. I would want to start making the most of life, and getting out there and enjoying myself while I've got the chance. So why aren't I? That really could be my future. Or not. But it could be, so surely I should live like it might be true. I am fed up with restricting myself so much in the way I live, simply because I'm always afraid. If I carried on like this and finally was diagnosed with cancer and told I had a poor prognosis, or whatever, I would really really regret all these years of the way I'm living now.

This should be huge motivation for me to get up and start living life as it's meant to be lived. But for some crazy reason it still seems easier said than done, and I am not jumping up today and taking hold of life with both hands like I thought I would after visiting that website last night. I do not know what can persuade me anymore, because it feels like I've tried everything. I have tried endless counselling and alllll the positive thinking in the world. I pray about it and others have prayed for me about it too, and when I am reeeeally close to God then things are much more as they should be, and I lose my fear. But otherwise I live every day slightly hidden away from the world, and underneath whatever else I might be feeling, I am always always frightened of something (or a thousand things) inside. So I'm starting to wonder if I should be facing my fears in my head. Like saying, "Okay, let's say it IS going to happen. What are you going to do about it?"

Anyway, I was telling Neil all this today and talking to him about it for ages. He is not sure it's good mindset to go thinking like cancer is round the corner, or planning for it to happen. I think he's right about that, but I am keen not to be naiive or to pretend in order to protect myself. And I want to be aware if the likelihood is that high. And I also want a reality check to make me appreciate life and live it like I should. Also maybe it will make me less afraid in some way? I don't know. Fear is often about the unknown. If I prepare myself as if it is "known", then will it defeat the fear? I don't know. I think Neighbours is going to be very helpful to me over the coming weeks and months though. Eye-opening to say the least.

Well then Neil and I got onto the subject of what we would want if we only had a short time to live. Neil wants to travel. He desperately wants to swim with dolphins, and maybe even sharks (!!). He wants to learn to fly. He wants to travel to Australia and New Zealand and Peru and basically everywhere. He would want to do all the big stuff first so that he would have the energy before he started to get iller. He has thought about being cremated before, but he's not sure if that's what he'd want or not.

I don't know what I'd want to do if I was told I had a year to live. Nothing is springing to mind at all, even if I sit and think about it. I have told Neil that under no circumstances whatsoever do I want to be cremated! I can't bear cremation. It's so unnatural. I've been to family cremations of relatives I don't remember, in my teens, and the smell in the air is almost enough to make me retch. I didn't know what burning human flesh smelt like, but I knew it was what I could smell, and it was vile. Plus there is nothing left of a person, nothing whatsoever, after cremation. No DNA, nothing. Their ashes are mixed up with those of their coffin and its linings. Ash, to me, can never represent a person. It's like on Star Trek when there's a transporter malfunction and they point to this pile of goo or dandruff-looking stuff, and say, "That's her cellular residue" and they scrape it up and send it to the family. I could never see that as a person's remains. It doesn't resemble anything of that person. At least on the Star Trek stuff, they could identify cellular residue as belonging to that person. You can't with ash. It's just ash. You obliterate that person's phyiscal existance when you incinerate them - you eradicate every trace of them having been on the planet. With a buried body, their DNA remains, their physical remains still resemble them, even just a skeleton.

Neil said he quite liked the romantic idea of scattering ashes somewhere. I know my parents will want to be cremated - my mum is adamant (should that have an 'e' in it to prevent it looking like an 80's pop star?). Both her parents have been cremated and scattered in a pretty garden somewhere. She will probably want the same. But for me, that sounds unbearable. I've heard people look at the smoke coming out of a crematorium chimney, and say, "Ooh, she always wanted to fly!" But that doesn't do anything for me at all. "She" isn't flying. Just because smoke is coming out from where her body is burning, doesn't mean she's flying. And if you scatter ashes in a garden, it sounds all lovely and nice, but in my mind I will forever be thinking of how in one windy day, the remains of my loved one are more likely to be blowing around the motorway half a mile down the road. Plus there's nothing that makes me feel like the person I loved is there when I look at an urn. It doesn't represent a person to me at all. I am sooo unhappy about my parents' decision to be cremated, but I don't say so because I want them to have what they want.

When I go to the cemetery, I look at Cameron's grave and think, "There's Cameron" and the same for the other graves around him. I look at the names on the gravestones and think of the child under them, even if they are just bones now, they still resemble the child they always were while they were here. But then I walk past an urn further along the road and I think, "What's that?" I mean, I know it's an urn with someone's ashes in it, but to me it has no connection to a human being, no more than just a memorial plaque at a place where there's no body.

Anyway, I have made it as clear as I possibly can to Neil and my parents that I absolutely must NOT be cremated!! I hate the idea. Urgh, I'm so morbid these days. Since Cameron died - well, since the initial shock, I've been thinking about death such a lot, from all different angles. I don't know if that's good, but I am less concerned about it since I read that it's normal on a bereavement site. Anyway. I will stop with this subject now! Sorry!

Actually I think that's all my news, because I can't think of what else to write, so I'll stop now. Hopefully back again soon :)

Recent entries.....

Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24
Update - 5th Anniversary and other stuff! - 2004-08-16
Church picnic and being happy and things :) - 2004-06-27
Barbeque at Cameron's house... - 2004-05-18
To Tara... - 2004-04-19