Great Christian Diaries

2003-11-09 - 11.10pm  previous entry  next entry

Okay I'm back to finish my entry! Thanks so much Meg for your hug of a guestbook entry. xxx

My day has not been a great improvement on earlier. I feel a bit of a mess. I also don't feel too well this evening, but I think that's just earlier on catching up with me or something. That kind of thing always gives me a tummy ache / nausea later on, so I'm not worried about it.

After I wrote my entry earlier, I picked some more purple daisies and drove to the cemetery. I got there half an hour before closing time and stayed till it closed. It had stopped raining but I wore my raincoat anyway. Cameron's angel statues are gone. I think his mum must have taken them for something or other. Loads of the graves have angel statues and stuff so I'm sure they haven't been stolen or anything. I left my posy of daisies by the one I left two days ago, and I picked all the leaves off his grave again. Then I just stood there for ages. I didn't say anything to him or to God. There were a few people at the cemetery, which I expected on Sunday really. I have never been at the weekend before, because I always think his family must go then, and I want to give them their time there, without me turning up in the middle of it, or being there when they turn up or something. But today I thought maybe I could just go before closing time. With the weather they might have chosen to go yesterday or something? Or earlier in the day anyway. If they had been there I would have left before they saw me. Maybe it would be fine for us to meet there by accident, but I don't want to be insensitive incase it's not what they want right now.

Anyway they weren't there so I stayed. Eventually the cemetery guy came round on his bike telling people that they were closing now, and I had to pick up and move. When somebody tells me it's time to go I always find it upsetting. Even if I might have chosen to leave myself a minute or so later. And there was nothing to do when I was there today. I just stood there but didn't want to leave. When the guy told me it was closing time, I suddenly had a ton of things to say to Cameron before I left, and got all frantic about it. Weird. I said I knew he couldn't hear me, but incase he could, I wanted him to know that I love him more than he could ever know and I miss him, and I wish he was back with us. I wish he could come back, even though I know he can't. I wish I could hug him and I was so sorry I hadn't spent much time with him these past couple of years, and I wished I had told him that I love him before he died. Saying all that as if I was saying it to him made me cry, and then I had to leave him when I didn't want to, and so I cried in my car as I left. But I said I would be back soon.

I am just desperate to cling to something of him. Something must be left of him, something must be there for me to cling to. But when I reach out there's nothing. Just things in my head and my heart and photos of the past and a grave where his body is buried, but all those are like the air, you can't get hold of them and hang on.

Neil has gone out today. He has a Matrix marathon with a load of people from church and Alpha. They are using the church projector in Dave's house to watch the first 2 Matrix movies on a big screen, and then they are all going to the cinema to watch the latest release. The Matrix isn't my thing really so I am happy staying here. Neil has been antsy all week about going, because he thinks he should be here with me, bless him. I KNOW he needs the social de-stressor of going out and doing this, so I'm glad the opportunity came up for him to go. I've been telling him it's absolutely fine so I hope he has relaxed and enjoyed himself today. He should be home anytime now.

Oh yes I never finished saying about this morning at church did I? I was crying in the playground and church must have finished because a few of the kids came out to kick a football around (in the rain!). So I mopped up and went back inside, where the big chat / tea / coffee / socialisey part of church was going on. I stayed out of the meeting hall because I did not fancy a chat with anyone, or a trigger to start crying again because it hadn't gone away anyway. I looked at the art work on the walls in the corridors. Neil was still in with the youth group which was fine because I did not feel like facing him either. I know that's not good but there you go. One or two people passed me in the corridor, clearing up the creche and stuff. Marigold said hello and smiled at me, and I said hello back. Chris said hi and asked how I was, and I told her I was fine, feeling horrible for lying, and asked how she was. She is the one who lost her baby around the same time as Cameron died, at 12 weeks of pregnancy. She said she was fine too, and I don't know if we were both being polite or what. I felt awful when she carried on down the corridor, because I feel so terribly selfish wallowing in my grief when there's a MOTHER who has lost her child and I can't even say anything about it to her. I could have said I was sorry at least. But I didn't. I felt like if I said anything to anybody other than "Hi" I would start to cry. Saying "Fine thanks, how are you?" was really hard. I wanted to reach out to her in some way, or say something, anything to let her know I was sorry that she lost her baby. But I didn't know what to say, or how to say it without crying over my own woes, and that felt wrong, so by the time I'd thought all that the moment had passed and she was on her way.

I don't like how this is making me become. I feel like I'm becoming a selfish, self-focused, angry person, and I really don't like that person. Other people have tremendous difficulties and still carry on giving to others, so why can't I? I guess if I am hanging onto my own emotions so hard then my hands are too full to let them be used in giving. Maybe. I should let them go then. But I can't.

Well anyway, then Neil came out and got all apologetic about coming out late. He is so lovely, but sometimes he is so apologetic about living his own life it seems, that it bugs me. I wish he would think of himself as well as he thinks of me. I love how much he loves me and always thinks of me and puts me first, but sometimes I wish he would put himself first. I love him and I hate to see him always thinking of himself second. He is worth more than that. He shouldn't feel he has to rush out and find me and apologise because he forgot the time or whatever. These things aren't that important, and he should just enjoy what he's doing and not let me be a source of stress about it. I never get funny about where he is or why he isn't here yet, so I don't know why he's like that. I guess he feels he ought to be there if I'm ready to leave or something, and I wish he wouldn't always do that because it must be robbing him of just going with the flow of what's happening where he is.

Anyway so poor lovely Neil, he was being so kind and loving by doing this - as ever - but I was so prickle-full of emotions that I was irritable with him. Not mean though. Just irritable at so much fuss and attention. I dislike myself again like this, because Neil is always so loving and sometimes even that irritates me, and how awful is that? I feel horrible :(

Well we went back in the hall to get our coats and stuff, and Neil stopped to tell someone he was going. I kept my head down and headed straight for my coat, it's so weird but I felt soooo uncomfortable with all those people in there. I could see Sue out of the corner of my eye making her way over to me, and at least I trust Sue and she knows what is going on with me so that was okay. She gave me a hug and asked me how I was doing. I said not so great, and she asked me something which surprised me. She had been doing creche today so she wasn't in the service. But she said, "Did you manage to stay for the whole service?" Now how did she know that? So I said no, I had left before the end. How did she know I might have that problem? I never once considered that I might want or need to leave a service at any point, but she seemed to almost expect it. How weird. She is being quite different with me since she told me she had underestimated how close I was to Cameron. Hmmm.

Anyway she said it was very good that I came to church and she was glad to see me there, which was nice. I guess I was not very responsive and fidgetty because she asked if I wanted to leave, and I said yes, so she was nice about that too. Then we left. Having Neil close to me was difficult because when it comes to emotions, Neil is a person, just like anyone else, and therefore it's hard to deal with emotions with him. Even though he's my husband. Ugh. So I felt the need to squash them down which was nigh on impossible given how huge they were, and therefore I felt prickly and irritable at Neil for stepping too close to me when I was hurting that much, like I once described before.

On the way home we got to one of those roads where a two-lane road narrows to one lane, and you have to give way to oncoming traffic. It was our right of way and so the car that was coming in the opposite direction stopped and we drove past it. Just as we came up to it, I looked up - I was talking to Neil about how I was feeling at that moment - and I am absolutely positive the driver was Cameron's mum. I don't remember what their car is, so I can't be totally sure. But I'm sure it was her. I broke off what I was saying and said to Neil how that looked soooo much like Cam's mum, and he said that's exactly what he was thinking. Okay this is not a big deal - so I saw Cameron's mum driving a car, so what? I don't think she saw or recognised us. But I don't know why this is a huge huge huge deal to me today. Cameron is something of his mum - his mum is something of Cameron. I saw something of Cameron today that is alive, that I always used to see when I saw Cameron. I know, I know, I am obsessing kind of unhealthily aren't I? But it just seemed to mean a lot to me that I saw her, that's all. If it was her, she looked very tired and thin. I hope soooo much that she is alright, that they all are. I am absolutely LONGING to be in touch with them, more and more each day, but I still won't till they're ready. I just think about them such a lot now. Maybe it's part of my yearning to find something of Cameron to grab onto? That would be selfish, wouldn't it, but then that's how I am being lately, and I hate it.

Anyway. I wanted to go to the cemetery so after Neil went to his movie marathon, I went. I brought the stone home, the smooth one that fits my palm exactly that I drew a heart on and took to Cameron's grave a few weeks ago. The heart is nearly all washed off and I told him before that I would paint one on properly and varnish it or something, before taking it back there for good. So I brought it home. I feel like I brought something home from where Cameron is, so I have been holding it a lot. I feel like I am getting slightly not right about all this at the moment. Like maybe am I becoming unhealthy about it? Please tell me if you think so from what you're reading, because I'm starting to worry about it.

For example, this afternoon after the cemetery I decided I would sew because it might be soothing. So I sewed a bit. Then I got sooooo tired that I lay down and took a nap for an hour or so, even though it was early evening. I dreamt of Cameron a bit, but he kept on disappearing when I thought I was meant to be looking after him and I was so confused all the time. That dream sort of merged into another one that turned into a nightmare. It was horror-movie nasty, not blood and gore but really really gruesomely scary. This man who was an alien was after me, and he grabbed me and was acting all weird and saying stuff that didn't make sense, and I was sooooooo scared. My mum was in the house and I started calling for her, but that made the man agitated. His face started changing like in horror movies, all gruesome, and he was grabbing at me so horribly. I was screaming and screaming for my mum but she never came. I am soooo glad I woke up at that point.

Then I got up and carried on sewing, but my sewing machine jammed and I can't make it work, and I got so angry with it and swore and everything :( And then I thought, fine, I will go online instead. But AOL is playing up sooo badly, I just can't get online, and it takes ten minutes when I can, and when I DO get online it kicks me off again pretty soon, and then I have the whole palava of getting online again. Anyway this happened and I swore a lot more and hated myself for doing so, but I just feel so angry like I want to use words to express it, but they aren't there, and grabbing at awful words takes the edge off. But it doesn't because then I hate myself for doing so, partly because God hates it and partly because I hate it, but mostly right now because I know Cameron hated it. So I hate myself when I do it therefore. And I still couldn't get online so I cried and sobbed and wailed to God that I couldn't get online or use my sewing machine, and lay my head down on the desk and made puddles in front of my keyboard, and just sobbed and was generally a mess. All because of these trivial things. So I wonder if I am losing it somewhat, differently to how I have been so far since Cameron died? I don't know what I should do if I am. I worry too much probably, but I don't want to go crazy. Or be back in depression. Never again.

Now I have managed to get online so I've written this entry, and I've just realised it's 11pm and Neil isn't home yet.... hmmm. And I haven't eaten so I guess I should do that, but I feel kind of sick so not sure what to do about that just yet.

Today has been a hard day. I don't know what I'm doing tomorrow. I don't think I have anything planned, but I know I need to do some housework and we could do with some food shopping. I will see if Neil needs the car for work tomorrow.

Sorry my entries are like this lately. I know it's my diary and all that, and this is just how things are at the moment, etc, but even so, I know it must be getting tiresome for some of you who normally read my diary. I know loads of you aren't tired of me because you have let me know (thank you), but I feel boring and depressing and samey and like a big moany bore at the moment, and I'm aware it's been going on and on for some time so I'm sorry. I'm sort of not sorry too because it's my diary and I write what I need to write. And I'm not fishing for nice messages, I promise, or reminders of support from those who have already been lovely and told me that already. I'm just saying what I feel, which is that I feel boring now this has been going on for 6 and a half weeks, and I wanted to sort of acknowledge that without it exactly being an apology, but at the same time I kind of AM sorry that life is like this for me and it's dragging on. It must make my diary a downer to read, and I like diaries that make me sit up and feel happy when I see them lit up in red on my buddy list, so I feel kind of bad that my diary doesn't do that any longer. But people keep saying that it won't last forever, and I guess I will have to take their word for it. Right now I can't possibly see how they could be right, but they would know better than me so I believe them.

And blah, I'm signing off.

Recent entries.....

Cameron's first anniversary - 2004-09-24
Update - 5th Anniversary and other stuff! - 2004-08-16
Church picnic and being happy and things :) - 2004-06-27
Barbeque at Cameron's house... - 2004-05-18
To Tara... - 2004-04-19