I'm feeling ....
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More to follow....
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2003-12-08 - 12.18pm previous entry next entry Thanks Nicola, Emma and Meg for the lovely lovely guestbook entries! :) *hugs* I love it when people say nice things about Cameron. And about me of course! ;) But you know what I mean. Well I have a few things to update on. We went to the pantomine on Friday evening at the Lyric Theatre in Hammersmith. It was okay. Well, it was good, but weird! The weirdest story of Cinderella I've ever seen! And the stage there is pretty tiny so it couldn't have been a truly great traditional panto or anything, so it gets an overall "okay" from me. The ugly sisters were funny though. It has made Neil and I reeeeally keen to go to a huge traditional panto - because this definitely wasn't one. I like the ones where the theatre is absolutely MASSIVE and they have three dozen stage school children with little woodland fairy outfits on doing all the dancing, and a load of different sets and backdrops, and favourite characters that involve the audience and chuck chocolate bars out here and there (!!), and I love all the "ohhhh no you didn't! ohhh yes I did!" routines, and the "He's behiiiiind you!" that all the kids have to shout out in the audience. I've been taken to a pantomine every Christmas since I was 2 by my grandparents, and it's always been magical. So I love all that stuff, and I love to see little kids experiencing it like I did as well, even though I'm all grown up now. So we want to go to a proper panto, and I think we will look into it for next week maybe? If there are any tickets left where we want to go. But it was nice to dress up and go out with Neil and G&G and Bennie and Sarah. And eat ice-cream at the interval! :) But wouldn't you know it? My period showed up 15 minutes before we left the house to go to the theatre. Yup. The conniving little.... So I dosed myself up on painkillers and we went. I was pretty dizzy all evening, but not much else, so that's good. I was relieved! However, this period HAS been from another planet like I was suspicious of, after all that crazy hormonal stuff for the last 2 weeks. I had to spend all of Saturday in bed, and then yesterday we had to cancel Granny and Grandoug coming round for a meal, because I was just not up to it. How weird. It's been years since I've had a freaky period like this one, and I think I've only ever had one or two anyway. Could it have been the supplements? I haven't taken any for a week or two though, but I took them for 9 days running before that. Hmmm. They're supposed to HELP my hormones, not throw them into disarray!! Oh well, maybe it was a coincidence? Anyway, I slept for 15 hours on Saturday!!!! I just couldn't keep awake and if I tried to get up I was too lightheaded. I definitely wasn't ill with anything though. It was just a weird and horrible period. I retained fluid like nothing else, which I only occasionally do on my tummy. But this time my face was all puffy and squidgy as well :( I had much more pain this time with it too, and I have just felt weak and weird, but I'm feeling better now than I did. I am still kind of dizzy/weak but I've been eating well so that's okay. Totally odd. So I haven't done much else. Granny and Grandoug are coming round this Friday for dinner instead, so that will be nice. Neil phoned me this morning to say his company have been bought out and the managing director has left!!! Just this morning! An American company bought it, and their management team have moved in and started telling the employees about the changes, complete with American accents which always sounds weird amongst a zillion flat London accents! Anyway, hopefully they will be a good move, because Neil's company has been pretty awful so far. Maybe they will make things better? I hope so. Neil has study leave this week, Tuesday and Wednesday, but on Wed he has a company outing and meal so that will be nice for him. We won't be going to therapy as a result though, but that's okay. We are doing well so we all agreed that it wouldn't matter to miss a week :) I am baby crazy lately. Very broody. And so disappointed to have another period. But oh well, what can you do. I miss Cameron so much more since Thursday. I'm not sure why. He's in my mind a lot. I am often back to not being able to believe that he's gone, which I thought I was well past. I think of how wonderful he was, and how special, and all those lovely qualities, and THAT'S when I can't believe someone like that can be gone. Maybe he was too perfect in my eyes? Maybe that's why I couldn't see him ever ceasing to exist, and why I'm having such a hard time accepting it now. Although I think I DO accept that he's died and that he's gone. But I still can't believe it. I am also a lot more anxious about throwing up lately. Don't know why. I am flappy and constantly asking Neil if I'm gonna be okay (in my tummy, that is). Which is always a bad sign. I did this with my parents for as long as I can remember, and they got fed up with it by my teens. I don't want Neil to get fed up with me, because I can't help it - I only ask out of the feeling of being terrified that I'll be sick in the night or something. It's crazy of me, I know. But at the time I need someone's reassurance. He's only been at it for a few years, so he hasn't been worn down like my parents were in the end. Yet :S I had a dream last night where everyone I loved was getting sick and throwing up. First my brother, and then my mum. Then Sharon. Ohhh it was Christmas and I went to visit Sharon to help her with the little ones. And Cameron was there I think. But I was the only one who could see him. And he got sick, but I couldn't help him. I hate that he's gone. And I hate that human beings have to throw up. Life would probably be peachy (to my strange little mind) if Cameron was alive and nobody ever had to throw up. |
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